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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do people deal with this?

48 replies

Wigglesworth · 11/03/2009 12:02

It may be me being utterly irrational (probably is) but here goes. My Mum is going to be looking after DS for a day for me when I go back to work, he will be 9 months when I go back. I feel really gutted that I have to go back and that I am going to miss him doing important stuff for the first time. My problem is that if he does something for the first time with my Mum she WILL rub it in and say things like "oh you did xxx for Nanny today, has he done that for you yet Mummy?".
Now it maybe me being totally insane (and it most likely is), but I know my Mum and she likes to wind me up in this way, even though she thinks she isn't doing anything wrong. How can I deal with this, AIBU should I just embrace it even though she has this attitude? It is driving me insane as I am already dreading leaving DS and going back to work and stuff like this makes it worse.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 11/03/2009 12:04

I'd get someone else to look after him. If you are this stressed before you start work, what affect will she have on you when you ARE back. I think it's one of the pitfalls of having family care for your little one - seething resentment that has to stay silent can't be healthy surely ?

Strawbezza · 11/03/2009 12:05

Difficult one. Try to appear unselfish (even though you may be screaming inside) and share her delight in the event you missed. After a few tries, if she sees you aren't rising to the bait she'll stop doing it.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 11/03/2009 12:06

Get someone else, will save a lot of heartache and agro.

Twims · 11/03/2009 12:06

Get someone else to look after ds

EllieG · 11/03/2009 12:08

Have you tried telling her how upset this would make you? Maybe she thinks it is just a joke - she might not do it if you told her it made you unhappy. And if she does continue despite you telling her how it makes you feel, then YAdefoNBU.

NewTeacher · 11/03/2009 12:11

You know your mum winds you up and you know she is likely to so it would be best if you took it on the chin.

ignore it I dont think she is being mean just over excited. My MIL is the same.

SHe's helping you out so let her have this one. Its only going to get to you if you let it....

Good luck.

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 11/03/2009 12:13

I personally would lie through my teeth and say "Yes he has. Isn't he clever!?"

Unless it was a tantrum.

Then the answer is "No, he NEVER does that with me!!"

But then I'm v immature.

Original poster
Wigglesworth · 11/03/2009 12:14

He is going to go nursery for 3 days, and it wouldn't bother me as much if he did his first times there cos I know they wouldn't rub it in. Unfortunatley we can't afford to have him in nursery more otherwise we would. I know she is doing us a favour etc etc before I get flamed for being ungrateful and she loves DS to bits, it's just her attitude with me and this really pisses DH off too.
I am toying with just telling her he has already done it at nursery so she doesn't have the satisfaction. I know I just have to deal with, I just wondered what would be the best way.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 11/03/2009 12:31

Yes, definitely - if she comes out with that, say 'oh, yes, he did that for me at the weekend' or 'at nursery on Tuesday...' or whatever, then she won't be able to rub it in.

I was a bit when picking up ds from nursery one Monday evening when they said 'how long has he been doing that' - walking - he hadn't done it at all for us!!!! The following morning though he was doing laps around the kitchen table between mouthfuls of breakfast - clearly waited until he was sure that he could do it without falling over....

mloo · 11/03/2009 12:32

It sounds to me like you have a competition thing going with your mum - and it takes two to compete. If she says "He did this for Nanny today" you say "Wow, that's great. I can't wait to see it." You do not bite or playing petty games ("He already did it at nursery, actually.") Your mother has a competition problem -- you rise above it.

Tortington · 11/03/2009 12:35

rising above it is nice rhetoric but in reality bullshit.

use nursary as planned. becuase competative people do not deflate when you 'rise above' they have won - they think.

i never took stock in 1st anything - he walked for the first time - whoopsy do -

i mean jesus christ almighty - throw a party.

thumbwitch · 11/03/2009 12:35

I was also going to say just fib if necessary and say "oh yes, he did that for me yesterday/last week - is that the first time he's done if for you?"

It really doesn't matter if it's true or not in this instance - it will spike your ma's guns and she won't be able to rub it in.

As to fretting over the fact that she did see it first, well, that's a natural thing but the nursery are 3 times more likely to see it first than your ma, and it's highly likely you will miss out on a few firsts.

Aranea · 11/03/2009 12:39

I have a friend who asked the nanny not to tell her if her baby did anything for the first time when she wasn't there. Maybe you could do that with your mum? That way you end up with the excitement of seeing them do the new thing, and not the misery of feeling they've done it for someone else and you're waiting to see it.

Original poster
Wigglesworth · 11/03/2009 12:39

Thanks, glad that people think I am not being precious and over reacting. I am also happy that most people think that fibbing is the best option. Custardo, agree with you rising above it sounds nice but this would spur her on to do it more TBH.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 11/03/2009 12:44

absolutely - to save your sanity, fibbing is far the best option!

squilly · 11/03/2009 12:55

Rise above it if you can. Vent on here if you can't. I had to (well, in my mind I had to) allow my MIL to take my dd for a day even though MIL drove me nuts and was SO controlling.

I put up with years of MIL putting dd in different clothes after I'd dropped her off then changing her back into her own clothes by the time I picked her up (only found out cos she took photos and showed me!) and bragging about the fact that dd was kissing her all the time (yes and she kissed the dogs a**e several times too, so that one didn't tick me off too much grandma)

And one day, your ds will grow up and tell you he loves you more than he loves his nanny. I know that's mean and low but my God, I loved it when my dd started saying that to me. Though I did, in my defence, simultaneously say that she must love nanny lots and lots as nanny loved her to the edge of the moon and back.

I look at it this way. One day with nanny = no child care fees to pay AND the added bonus of us not having to go over there and see her so often, because she's only interested in dd after all

Grandparents. Can't live with em and sadly, they're not around long enough for you to realise that actually, living without them isn't nearly so much fun.

Good luck with it all and don't beat yourself up too much if work seems a major struggle at first. You'll soon be juggling home, work and kids like a Billy Smarts Circus professional.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 11/03/2009 13:10

One other idea - how about passing over a video camera with instructions to record any firsts? Then your mother can see that you're aware that she might get to see something first, but are treating it as a perfectly natural thing/complete happenstance as to where it happens? Take the sting out of her tail...

staranise · 11/03/2009 13:21

My mum's the same - just bite your tongue and rise above her pettiness, it's not worth the argument otherwise. Consider it the price of free childcare. Best of luck on the return to work!

thumbwitch · 11/03/2009 13:29

wiggles, my mum was a bit like this over other things - and she would keep prodding until she got the reaction she wanted! so I sympathise. Rising above it got progressively harder and rarely managed to get past stage 2 prodding!

WinkyWinkola · 11/03/2009 13:31

But why would someone revel in seeing a child's first whatever before their mum did? Why would that be such a triumph?

Nabster · 11/03/2009 13:33

I was going to say tell her he has done it for you.

When I nannied I would never tell the parents if they did or said something new for the first time with me. Let them have that, they missed enough leaving the child while they worked.

fizzpops · 11/03/2009 13:40

I second those who say to lie and say he has already done it.

Fwiw my Mum looks after DD once a week and although she would never rub my nose in it if she had a 'first' it tends to be that she notices things once my DD has been doing them for a while - like words that she understands or gestures she makes etc.

I jokingly call my Mum's house 'Nanna bootcamp' because my Mum tends to strongly encourage rolling/ crawling/ whatever the next milestone is, but I specifically tell her to encourage certain things because her house is better equipped for certain things so it has never been a problem.

Perhaps you are really just not wanting to miss out on anything your DS does which is understandable but it may possibly be colouring your judgement? Give it a try and see if your worst fears are confirmed and then say something if necessary - not worth having a row before it has even happened.

FlorenceofArabia · 11/03/2009 14:02

It doesn't matter if he has a "first" in front of Nanny because the first time he does it for you will be the first time he does it for his mummy - and that's the important one - anything else is just practising!

notsoclever · 11/03/2009 14:02

The first time YOU see your dc do something is the most important thing. That is what will become part of your memories

My dd1 walked 6 steps (I only saw her by accident) then she didn't do it again for another 3 weeks. Who knows what goes on when you are not there?

DaphneMoon · 11/03/2009 14:15

Your DC will NEVER love their nanny as much as they love you, be content with that thought. There will be some things they do for the first time with you, just make sure you tell her.