How do people deal with this?

[Wigglesworth]

It may be me being utterly irrational (probably is) but here goes. My Mum is going to be looking after DS for a day for me when I go back to work, he will be 9 months when I go back. I feel really gutted that I have to go back and that I am going to miss him doing important stuff for the first time. My problem is that if he does something for the first time with my Mum she WILL rub it in and say things like "oh you did xxx for Nanny today, has he done that for you yet Mummy?".
Now it maybe me being totally insane (and it most likely is), but I know my Mum and she likes to wind me up in this way, even though she thinks she isn't doing anything wrong. How can I deal with this, AIBU should I just embrace it even though she has this attitude? It is driving me insane as I am already dreading leaving DS and going back to work and stuff like this makes it worse.

If you're gonna play mind games you may as well do it properly.
Look up all the milestones. Write down average age and then deduct 2 months for each. When that average-2 months age arrives and you take your DC to your mum, you say "Oh, did I mention he's pointing/clappping/whatever? Let me know if he does it for you!"

Of course, he might do X for months after you first claim he's doing it, but that doesn't matter. At least you can always be sure to be one-up on your mum this way.

I agree with notsoclever, it's the first time you see something that matters, gord knows what goes on when you're not looking. My sister was a very late walker and one day just stood up in the midde of the room, walked to what she wanted and sat back down. She looked like she'd been doing it for ages but we were so suprised and that's what is remebered

Aw, try to look at it as nice that someone else is so proud of your dc. I love that my mum will go 'oh, and LOOK she did her buttons up ALL BY HERSELF. she's so clever, best child in the world, bla bla bla' cos let's face it, you can't brag about your dc to anyone else, can you?

My mum sounds a lot like yours. She also looks after my DS one day a week, and has done since he was 11 months old. Sometimes she drives me insane with her competitive attitude and all that 'nana knows best' nonsense. Plus she gives him frosties for breakfast sometimes and scoffs at my attempts to keep him away from chocolate.

She's very bossy and often acts as though I have no idea how to look after my 17 month old. Sometimes she reminds me to 'bath baby' and give him his bottle before bed!!! It has really upset me, she can be very insensitive, but I try to remember how lucky I am to have her support. She also babysits on demand.

Bearing this in mind, I wouldn't necessarily put her off, I'd just be prepared to comprimise and remember at the end of the day YOU are his mummy and always will be.

Does no-one else find that they struggle to pinpoint the first time their child does something anyway. For example, walking. He spent a long time pulling himself up, and would ocassionaly let go and take a stumble away from whatever it was.
We spent an exciting evening in his bedroom where I would hold him up and let go and he would take an excited but very unsteady step or to towards daddy - really just falling into his arms with a bit of foot action in between. Then this gradually improved, until he was walking.
Which of those was his first step or walk?
Same for talking - babbling followed by "Did he just say X?" "I'm sure he just said X" then all of a sudden he says X all the time and has moved on to something new!

Agree, Polarbear. I find those bits in the books really hard to fill in! I know a couple of memorable ones... can't remember when dd first walked at all. But I know she was walking by a friend's birthday...

I usually just put month and year- that makes it fairly easy
At the moment his trick seems to be phrases of more than one word! We were doing a jigsaw this morning and when I asked where the bits went he would point and say "Go there!"
Sorry I love boring people about DS

Tell your Mum you don't want to know if there is a first when you are not there. Then she has to keep her mouth shut or look vindictive.

Nabster is spot on with the way she handled it as a nanny.

Bottom line is you must communicate and lay down what you want from your mother. She's already been there, so it's your turn. Good luck!

I agree with the idea of asking her not to tell you. My Auntie is a childminder, and never tells parents if she sees a 'first', finds a tooth etc.

I agree that 'firsts' aren't really a big deal. It's all emotional claptrap bandied about by small minded people - eg 'I couldn't possibly go to work because I might miss his first step'. It really DOESN'T matter because there'll be lots more to follow. And even if you were a SAHM, there are no guarantees you'd see the 'firsts'. I was home on maternity leave with dc 3 when dc2 took her first step - but I missed it because I was in the kichen putting the kettle on and my friend was in the sitting room with the kids!!

Chill out a bit. And as soon as you can afford it, use the nursery for that extra day - family and childcare rarely mix, for the type of reason you describe. Too many potential pitfalls.

Why would she want to compete with you, though? It's odd, isn't it, for a mother to want to wind her daughter up like this, whether she's doing it intentionally or not..

If you can think it through and come up with some answers, might you find it easier to deal with her upsetting behaviour, do you think?

Some mums just are like that, OBM. Mine was. It might not be consciously intentional but they still do it. And it is very difficult to deal with when it happens all the time - part of the difficulty is exactly because you DON'T know why they feel the need to do it, or what they get out of it.

Understood, tw. Would it then be best to tackle it head on? "Please don't compete with me about who happened to be present when he reaches such and such a milestone - it's upsetting and I'd like us to enjoy his achievements together?"

Good luck OP.

another way of looking at it,she wants to assert her role as Gran.she feels insecure and unwittingly projects her anxieties on to you.She feels insecure,wants affirmation and perhaps bigging up her role/contribution

on other hand,she is doing you a favour.not only financially,but by the trans-generational bond too.3 generations

yes,she may well irk.but probably you irk her.we tend to replicate and mood match feelings people evoke in us.think about it,she drives you insane.she provokes reaction

step back,think of ds getting to see Gran

praise her role
make her feel validated and important
depersonalise this.when she tells you DS smiled for gran.you praise and say YES isn't he great,and leave it as neutral statement

you need to reconcile yourself,that as a mum no one else will ever feel as good as mum/dad.this diminishes but never completely leaves you as a parent

nursery is initially a leap of faith.but you give it time,and wow they develop

OBM - I don't know, I never managed to get it through to my mum that she was doing this - she said she couldn't see it herself and therefore couldn't stop herself.
My dad thinks it was because she had low self esteem and that she was jealous of things I had that she didn't - some personal, some achievements, some opportunities - so whenever she had a chance to "bring me down", she did.
But she was apparently unaware that she was doing it, despite me tackling it with her a few times!

I am SAHM and missed DDs first steps and first words as ONE afternoon a month she would spend at my mum and dads house while I shopped. Just happened that way that they got both the milestones , however returning to see 2 beaming grandparents , clearly overjoyed and very excited I wasnt sad - I was happy for my parents . I wouldnt deny my parents those happy moments for a second .
TBH I`ll never forget my Dad running down the path shouting on me to hurry up before she says Dada again - "you're going to miss it "

Bless him - but no Dad , I didn't miss anything she never stops talking now.

Can't you be grateful that your mother is helping you out and don't turn these moments of your daughters development into some petty competition ???

Thumb witch your Dad has hit the nail on the head, she is jealous of me, my DH says that all the time. She does not do this with anyone else. She has never ever said to me that I am a good Mum etc, nice things that Mums should say to their daughters. When I was visiting them one night with DS, my Dad commented on what a lovely happy baby DS is and how myself and DH must be doing a good job, my Mum backed that up with " well she's got an easy baby hasn't she?", WTF. These are the type of nasty sly little digs she makes. She has been like this with me since I was a teenager, I think she has some resentment towards me. Don't get me wrong I love her loads she can be very nice, thoughtful and kind and would drop everything in heartbeat to help us but she has a sting in her tail and likes to wind me up.
Babbi, it really wouldn't be a problem for me her having some firsts with DS if she didn't have this attitude towards me. When he does stuff at nursery it won't bother me so much cos I know they won't rub my nose in it for the next 20 years!

Dandylioness you are right, her Dad was a miserable old wanker, god rest his soul. Her Mum isn't the loving caring Mum we would all like to have so given her upbringing and background I can totally see why she acts like she does. However wouldn't you endevour to not act that way towards your own child if you knew how bad it made you feel?

florence of arabia..what a nice post.

my mum was like that, any opportunity to have a snipe. now i have nothing to do with her and i am so less stressed and so are my dp and children! not having to be nice to nana that they didnt particularly like.

if you have a great mum, you honestly do not know how lucky you are, i dont think my mum has ever quite forgiven me for being born

Thanks to everyone for your posts and advice. I have posted on here about my Mum lots of times since I joined MN and everyone has really good advice and I don't just get flamed all the time which I really appreciate.
When I had just had DS my DH had to work away and I didn't have much help, I didn't ask my Mum cos she would have made me worse. I was on the brink of PND but coming on here and venting and getting sensible opinions and advice from impartial people really helped me. I guess what I am trying to say is thanks to everyone and keep helping each other cos it really makes a difference to posters who really need advice. , sorry Kate Winslet style oscar speech there!