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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too shallow?

29 replies

AllTheGoodGirls · 10/03/2009 22:25

So I've met a nice man. We have lots in common. He's genuine, kind hearted, polite, respecfull ...

I do like him but I do not fancy him at all.

I'd like to give things a go but I can't get past this.

The main thing is that he has had a gastric band fitted and has lost over 11 stone in weight. He has hinted that he may need a tuck for extra skin. This has really put me off and I know how shallow that is but I've always been a health concious, active person so this kind of thing is 'alien' to me (I'm not perfect and quite often have that "first thing in a morning look" but I do try and look after myself).

On our first date, he wore jeans with a cardigan that was about 5 sizes too big for him. It was huge, baggy, scruffy looking and this he wore to a nice pub-resteraunt. He did explain that as he is still losing weight so rapidly, it didn't make sense for him to buy new clothes but surely you'd make a bit of an effort for a first date? even if it was just a decent fitting £5 t-shirt etc??

So am I being shallow?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/03/2009 22:27

yes you are

but then I would be the same

if you don't fancy him, don't even go there

rookiemater · 10/03/2009 22:28

Well you either do or don't fancy someone and its hard to make a relationship go somewhere if you don't.

I'd give him one more short date maybe. Actually no I'd be mortified if my date turned up with clothes that were far too big for him.

Candlewax · 10/03/2009 22:29

If you don't fancy him, don't bother. There is nothing worse than feeling "obliged". You have to FANCY him, you really do!

JeanPoole · 10/03/2009 22:29

imagine what you will think of him in 10 years if you think this now.

wrinklytum · 10/03/2009 22:29

I am not a style fashinista so maybe you should ignore my comment but if you feel he is a "Nice man" and you have lots in common and he has genuine positive traits I think YAB a little unreasonable.

If you really DON'T fancy him then you should be honest.

smurfgirl · 10/03/2009 22:32

I did not fancy my DH when we met and for the first few years of our friendship, that said I did fancy him when we started shagging dating, so I think it does matter.

I could never picture myself kissing him or doing more even when I fancied him but obviously it worked out!!

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 22:33

You don't fancy him. You can't help it. YANBU

moondog · 10/03/2009 22:33

I couldn;t fancy a man with a gastric band.
God no.
Shallow, me??
Hell, yes!

beanieb · 10/03/2009 22:36

you should talk to this poster.

duchesse · 10/03/2009 22:37

Possibly, but I'd find the whole rhino skin/fungal infection in folds thing rather offputting as well. Certainly enough never ever to want to find out about them. I think maybe he needs to pursue the makeover a little further if he thinks folds of redundant skin and their removal is a suitable first date conversation.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 22:37

Aren't they the same person?

piscesmoon · 10/03/2009 22:41

I would find it very offputting-it isn't the thing to talk about on the first date and I think he should have made an effort. It may be shallow but I don't think that I would pursue it.

bigcometobedeyes · 10/03/2009 22:58

Sorry to say but I think I would be the same - it couldn't have taken much to make more of an effort for a first date. Yeah you do have to feel attracted and wanting more...

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 23:03

oh for heavens sake stop feeding those things!!!

bigcometobedeyes · 10/03/2009 23:06

OMG is this a troll - feck

Original poster
AllTheGoodGirls · 10/03/2009 23:08

I am not a troll!! jeez

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 10/03/2009 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 23:18

ah feck off, ive never accused anyone else of being a troll - have i??? nah - me??? Well ive not been first too so i am defo hoping i got it right htis time

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 23:19

oh and thanks for the advice comment, it gives me a warm glowy feeling really

eyeprob · 10/03/2009 23:38

the OP is the same as one by BBQ somebody on another thread.
BBQ somebody is a person who started a thread a few days ago abotu how pleased she was that somebody's DH left her.
she got a roasting there- didn;t see how the thread turined out

Yep op is a troll, or is related to one

have never done that before- nor felt the need, but it isn't funny and isn't particualrly clever

hmc · 10/03/2009 23:40

"BBQ somebody is a person who started a thread a few days ago abotu how pleased she was that somebody's DH left her.
she got a roasting there- didn;t see how the thread turined out"

Actually I think that thread may have been deleted, since I can't find it...

eyeprob · 10/03/2009 23:42

oh, i didn't look for it- couldn't be thaat bothered TBH.

ut suspect it did get nasty- and this thread is eaxctly the same as a thread posted by the same OP as the deleted one.

solidgoldbrass · 11/03/2009 00:06

Look, having a partner is not compulsory. There is no need at all to force yourself to begin or maintain a couple relationship with someone just because both they and you are single.

steviesgirl · 11/03/2009 01:44

I could have been put off by my now husband when we were dating by his double chin, balding hair and bags under his eyes, but I looked past that and fell in love with the person inside. We are soul mates now and can't live without each other.

Give the guy a chance. YABALBU.

muggglewump · 11/03/2009 02:28

You don'tfancy him, nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't either, just the loose skin would be enough to put me off.
You say you get on well though, could this be a friendship?
He could be a great friend. Worth a try maybe?

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