AIBU to worry about MILs dog and DD

[dribblychops]

Am new to mumsnet so don't eat me alive!

To cut a long story short - when I return to work my MIL will be looking after DD one day a week (she will be a year old then). I am very appreciative obviously but....

I get on well with her but am not so keen on her dog (a doberman labrador cross). I am fond of dogs generally just not this one - she is friendly but I think she would be jealous and MIL lives alone so she is the 'baby'. This dog likes to chase and dismember anything cat or rabbit like. She hasn't shown any aggression towards DD but is interested in her IYKWIM.

Anyway, MIL will be coming to our house with the dog which will stay in the garage as we have cats. Normally when she drives the dog is loose in the car and jumps all over the back seat. I'm worried because she wants to take DD out in the car and I don't think it's safe to have the dog loose at the same time. I think the main contact DD and the dog will have is on walks together so it's not like she'll be stealing the dog's toys indoors or anything.

Am I being paranoid?

DH is worried too and is thinking of talking to her. Thing is she is doing us a favour and we don't want to offend her but I think sometimes pet owners are blinded to their pets bad habits! I'm also worried about her driving but that's a separate issue....!

Agree with LEM. Though I would offer to find and pay for a reputable dog walker to walk the dog.

Do a little research into possible options for the dog (my dog, for instance, isn't too happy being walked with lots of other dogs) but there are lots of options:

Someone to sit with the dog
Day kennels (I used these with one job, it cost £13 per day and were great)
Dog walkers (I used to use Pet Pals but there are lots of fims now)
Local friend who could care for the dog.

If possible, try to come up with a positive suggestion for the dog... so you could say: I don't really want DD and the dog together, but think it's unfair to leave the dog in the garage all day, so how about this idea (dog walker / sitter etc) as I really appreciate your time with your DGD is important....

My PIL have 3 jack russells which are totally out of control. They also smoke like chimneys. My DH had no issues telling them that when we visit we expect them not to smoke over the children and the dogs had to be in a different room or outside (our children are 2 and 3 years old). They got a bit huffy but did as we requested.

I got bitten, completely unprovoked (I fell and dog ran up and bit me) by a doberman when I was about 3.

The ONLY times that our dog has had a bad word to say about ds is when we've been in the car - ds got immediately told off - but its an enclosed situation and difficult for the dog to get away.

She needs to have the dog restrained - not only to stop distraction when driving from the dog bouncing about - but because if you have a crash with a dog behind you, it can hit the front seat and the extra momentum will mean that its as if something much larger hit the back of the seat and it can kill you - a bit like the 'pizza' seat belt add. Our dog sits in the footwell on short journeys and has a harness that fits to the seatbelt in the back for longer journeys - or we would put her in the boot, ideally, and for her own safety, attached to one of the loading points.

I think dog walker sounds like a good idea - offer to pay for it - it can be difficult coping with a toddler and a dog when out on walks, at least this way the dog will get a good walk and your Mil won't have to worry about length of walk if she takes your dd.

Another supporter here. My Mum and Dad have a boxer dog which went for dd1 and nearly went for dd2 (didn't actually bite thank god). For the first few years we insisted the dog went into kennels when we visited and they are not allowed to bring it down when they stay with us (they live 200 miles away so it always involves an overnight stay).

However, they are getting very lax when we go and stay with them - me and dh have agreed the dog can be in the house when we visit but it must stay away freom the girls. Every so often I'll find Mum and Dad in the lounge with my dds and the dog in there too. They think it is alright as it is supervised but I don't trust the dog .

They would love the girls to go and stay with them for the holidays but I daren't let them .

You need to have a long chat with your MIL and set some ground rules. If you feel she won't stick to them I'm afraid you will have to look round for alternative childcare.

I agree with then others and a big NO from me.

Why cant your MIL leave the dog at home, who on earth would take their dog/s to other peoples houses anyway. As a dog owner I would never presume that my dogs were welcome anywhere other than my own house and the park/beach etc TBH.

I would get your DH to tell MIL that you both have worries and that the dog is to have no contact whatsoever. If your MIL doesn't like that then put DD in a nursery or with a childminder.

I have 2 dogs by the way and a 15mo DD (one on the way also) but my dogs are kept in the kitchen and have a doggy door to outside. they are never in the same room as DD without either mine or DH's supervision.
I love my dogs but I love DD more and I don't trust ANY animal with my child ever, no compromise.

You will never be able to sit comfortable at work if you allow MIL to have her dog anywhere near your baby.

Dribblechops... Well, I think 'asking the audience' has given you a pretty conclusive answer !!

I think the real issue now is how you deal with it.

You say you get on well enough with your MIL and that she is doing you a bit of a favour - but also that she would be upset (offended?) if she weren't included in childcare arrangements...

it's also fair to say that people who treat their dogs like babies aren't able / willing to see that there may be a problem.

I would broach the subject along the lines of:

1. You worry about the dog being in the garage all day
2. You would like to give MIL a little time to settle into having DD (and DD being with MIL) without the added distraction of the dog (I have a 9 month old and a labrador and it's not the easiest task in the world getting them out of the door for a walk - esp. if the weather is bad)
3. You would like to consider a dog walker / sitting service (I would stress, at this point, that it's not forever, just for a few months, settling in if you will)

I really think you will be able to guage alot from your MIL's reaction to this. If she is very positive and receptive to your ideas, then I think you have less of a problem with her accepting 'your' rules (IYSWIM)... If she challenges you on that, I have to say, I'd worry that as soon as your car is off the drive way, the dog will be out of the garage and up on the sofa!!

I really do hate to be negative, as my own dog is totally part of my family, but I know this is what my parents would be like (not about dogs, per se, just about my rules generally) which is why they are never left alone with DS.

I hope you manage to find a compromise...

Not read all the thread but I wouldn't have them together without me there, EVER.

(and I'm a dog lover with a dog of my own).

I might be flamed for saying this but esp not with a Doberman cross.

I have to echo chequersmate re the doberman cross (and I am sure not all doby X's are like this) but one of my dogs is a doberman cross and she is extremely skittish and and ALWAYS on edge. She has growled at DD before now. DD was only walking past her (divided by the room divider) So now DD is NEVER in the room with her. If I had to choose one of my dogs to snap it would be my doby X.

".....Ambulance and police were called but the father killed the dog with a hammer before the police arrived......"

Sounds like my ideal man! Is he available, do you know?

Like all things in life it's about risk and consequences. When you have a dog near a child it's a case of:

risk: Unknown (most owners make themselves feel better by claiming it's low)

consequences: Utterly utterly hideous. Permanent irreversible damage or even death. There are lots of cases. One is too many.

Take away the often ridiculous emotional attachment people have to their dogs and any sane human being would not have dogs and small children in the same space. Why take the risk at all? Get a dog when the kids have left home. If you have to go through the trouble of keeping them separate (and you should), then why bother?

MIL and the dog need training classes, regardless of the childminding. She doesn't sound as though she has proper control of it anywhere, so you are right to be worried. She needs to be the leader of the pack and the dog should obey her, this is important not only for the dog, but everyone who comes into contact with it. And the dog won't be truly secure unless it knows its position in the pack, such dogs are potentially dangerous.

You are right to be worried, you won't be able to relax or concentrate at work. Tell MIL you'd like the dog to stay at it's own home while she minds DD at yours. And dogs, like all other passengers, should be restrained in cars. You could look up some numbers or websites of dog behaviour trainers, and dog agility groups, too. They wear the dogs out, get them to socialise well with other dogs/humans, and improve their confidence, as well as teaching them obedience.

Ban the dog altogether, what would happen when your mil goes to the toilet etc.
I'll watch your blinking wean if it means it isnt left alone with the dog! (would mean a long trip to scotland though to drop the baby off )

It's always the bloody grandparents and their dangerous dogs when these tragic events happen.

Brightwell exactly, you could say that of lots of things:

Like all things in life it's about risk and consequences. When you put a child in a car it's a case of:

risk: Unknown (you have no idea who else is on the roads or how competent a driver you are)

consequences: Utterly utterly hideous. Permanent irreversible damage or even death. There are lots of cases. One is too many.

People still put their kids in the car because they're too freaking lazy to walk to the corner shop though.

I agree but it's often a necessity to drive somewhere with your child in a car and you reduce the risk by driving carefully (I hope!)and reduce the consequences by securing the child properly. I'm not saying never take any risk, that's impossible in life. I'm saying don't take pointless risks. I guess what I'm really saying is with a commodity as precious as young children why run the risk of having a dog in the same space at all?

Personally, there is no reward for me in having a dog that would remotely make the risk worth it. Others clearly think differently.

Why have an open fire? Why take foreign holidays that involve flying? Why let your child play rugby?

Each to their own, no need to be so black and white about it, parents mitigate risks for their children every day.

It'd be a pretty miserable world for children if thry weren't allowed to do anything that involves ridk.

I do understand!

I wrote:

"...Personally, there is no reward for me in having a dog that would remotely make the risk worth it. Others clearly think differently...."

I was responding to your question:

"Why take the risk at all? Get a dog when the kids have left home."

Didn't realie it was rhetorical

I would insist on the dog not being there at all. She obviously won't lock the dog up all day, nor is it fair to the poor dog to do that either. Dogs cannot be trusted around children FULLSTOP. So many dog owners insist their little darling is soft as your pocket but how many times have you heard awful stories about so called family dogs mauling babies and young children to death.
If you MIL doesn't agree then change you childcare arrangements favour or no favour, your DD's safety is more important than hurting your MIL and her pound puppy's feelings. She wouldn't be doing you much of a favour if she is putting your DD safety at risk.

Brightwell - I asked my Mum if she remembered this incident. She did, vividly, and recalled that the girl's mum had her hands and arms shredded when she tried to intervene and the child lost its ear.

My mum is now blind and has a guide dog - you just won't get a better trained or safer dog - and she says she would not have her dog in close proximity to our 7 month old DD2.

If the owner of a guide dog is uneasy about dogs and very small children then what chance with a spoilt "baby" dog???

As already said YANBU But am I missing the point here? why does MIL have to bring the dog to yours in the first place?? is there not someone who could sit with her dog while she was looking after her granchild? Under NO circumstances woud i feel at ease leaving your child with mum and her dog. IMO when people sometimes get older they treat their pets as the children they no longer have and many times this includes spoiling them and not setting proper boundaries= recipe for disaster.

I agree. Reading the OP, it seems like the concern is not to hurt the feelings of the MIL! You can be sure that the dog does not care and would happily be left at home for the day.

Maybe a solution would be to explain firmly but fairly to the MIL that you are not prepared to have her dog in the house or the garage and she would need to leave the dog at home. If she is still happy to babysit under those terms, then fine, if not you will make other arrangements.

Brightwell - with all due respect, you have no clue the dog would be happy being left at home all day.

Mine wouldn't. he won't even drink water (regardless of how much is left out for him) when he's alone. I don't ever leave my dog for more than 2-3 hours, but sometimes I'll get home, he'll say hi and then rush off to drink, cos he's parched... But he won't touch his dishes while he's alone...

So, it's not really fair to make a sweeping judgement that 'the dog would be happy' cos you don't know that and (no offence) you don't come across as the biggest dog fan ever!!

The OP has been told, loud and clear, that she's not being unreasonable, but how she handles that with her MIL, surely, is up to her?

If it were me, it would be tactfully, to see how she responded...

I know with my parents (and this has bugger all to do with dogs, just how they are) they will not listen to me when it comes to DS. My mother feels she has raised kids and therefore knows everything there is to know. I've given her a couple of chances, which she's blown and I don't leave DS with her now, cos I don't trust her, but I think it's worth wording a proposal along the lines of a dog walker (see my last post) to see how MIL reacts. If she reacts negatively, then yes, lay down the law... but she might not... that's my point...

Thanks ladies...
I think there is only one clear answer to this and that is for her to leave the dog at home. It is very used to being left - before she retired it was in the house all day every day. Now it's older it can't cross its legs all day so we have decided we will pay for a dog walker to come in and walk it.

I think if we were to let her bring the dog over but impose rules on its whereabouts then they could very well be broken. I have told her that it should be harnessed in the car but it falls on deaf ears.

DH will talk to her. Tactfully.
I will feel so much better knowing I can go to work and not worry. I thought I might be overreacting but after hearing some of your stories I think my concerns were justified!

Good luck, dribbychops.

I really do think a dog walker is the way to go - one day a week isn't much and can be sold as a positive for the dog, as much as your MIL (and YOU )

I hope it goes OK (the talk that is!) please keep us posted!!