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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's appropriate for a child to say sorry for upsetting another child?

30 replies

Aranea · 10/03/2009 17:24

My mother has made me wonder whether I am being unreasonable in my expectations.

DD1 (4) had a playdate, during which the other girl informed her that her drawing didn't look anything like it was supposed to. She kept saying it, even though DD1 was upset by the comment. DD1 then got very upset and came and cried on my knee.

She said, 'Why did X say that?', and in the moment I couldn't think of anything better than, 'Well perhaps she wasn't thinking about how it would make you feel.' So then her mother made her apologise.

I was glad, as the apology made DD1 feel better. And if DD1 were to make another child cry by her comments, I would absolutely expect her to apologise. I think it's important for children to learn to think about each other's feelings.

But my mother says that criticising drawings is fair enough and actually seemed to think I was being inappropriate and perhaps embarrassing in thinking the other child had not behaved well. Her comments have made me feel a bit defensive and upset. So... am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tamarto · 10/03/2009 17:26

No YANBU your mum sounds like a bit of a loon

Perhaps you should chose something she does to critize over and over again to see how happy she is about it then!

noavailablename · 10/03/2009 17:27

No you are absolutely NBU. Good manners cost nothing, and are very important IMO, and the earlier they are taught, the better.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 17:31

No YANBU.

Of course it's possible that the other girl was just saying what she thought, not meaning to be hurtful, but of course it's our job as parents to get them to consider other peoples' feelings, and apologise

purlease · 10/03/2009 17:37

Definitely YANBU. My MIL would be a bit like your mother. At Christmas she mentioned a friends daughter being tone deaf and felt it was wrong to encourage her singing. Why put kids down? Life will deal them enough shit when they get older. I think when they get to secondary, you can maybe be a bit more honest but lets not destroy their self confidence.

MmeLindt · 10/03/2009 17:39

I do think that children should learn to that their actions or words have an affect on others, and if they upset or hurt someone that it is appropriate to apologise.

I am not a fan of making children apologise, as I think that it is sometimes seen as a "Get out of gaol card". Hit. Apologise. Hit again.

My DS would do this, he would apologise at practically the same time as hitting his sister.

They do have to understand that they have done wrong and mean it when they say sorry.

In the situation that you describe, I think that telling the child that she had hurt your DD's feelings was appropriate.

fryalot · 10/03/2009 17:39

agree with the others.

YANBU

Original poster
Aranea · 10/03/2009 19:31

Oh, good! Hooray. I feel much better.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 19:33

That has got to have been the most amicable AIBU ever.

Doesn't anyone feel like a bit of argy-bargy?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 10/03/2009 19:40

you are being TOTALLY unreasonable.

iwontbite · 10/03/2009 19:43

well, i think it's ok for a child to tell another one that her drawing is shit. but they do need to learn that saying things like that is unkind.
and it wasn't nice to keep wsaying it either

equally you should have a chat with your dd and tell her that hey, not everyone sees things the same. and just dcos her friend thought her pic was rubbish doesn't mean it is and as long as she was pleased with it that';s the main thing

i can';t stand forced apologies though

SerendipitousHarlot · 10/03/2009 19:45

Definitely NBU.

I wouldn't hesitate to get one of mine to apologise for hurting someone's feelings.

Morloth · 10/03/2009 19:48

I think its OK to get kids to apologise if they have been unkind - otherwise how will they learn to know that they have been unkind?

purlease I disagree with this to an extent, my DS is wonderful and talented and my PFB but HE. CANNOT. SING. its worse than cats screaming. I am as tactful and gentle as possible but would not like to see him end up as an outake on American Idol or something, he needs to know that is not one of his skills.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 19:50

Hecate How very dare you? {grin}

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 19:50

Feck, that was

MrsGravy · 10/03/2009 19:50

Well I don't think it's 'badly behaved' for a 4 year old to make a negative comment about a picture - they don't really have empathy at this age, and they don't understand about lying to protect somebody's feelings.

Perhaps that's what your mother meant?

That said, I agree that it's important for them to learn empathy...so I'd have got my DD to apologise too, only after explaining WHY she needed to apologise

edam · 10/03/2009 19:54

Well, of course YABU, don't you know that we must never correct other peoples' children?

Sorry, couldn't resist!

OK, then, really I do think that was fine. Other girl said something that hurt dd's feelings (even if she didn't mean to), this was pointed out, girl said sorry, dd felt better, girl and dd have learnt that sometimes you say things that make people feel upset and the right action is to say sorry.

AitchTwoOh · 10/03/2009 19:59

mmelindt, what do you do if not ask them to apologise? dd had to apologise for being meanto my mum today, how else might i have handled it? like you, i don't like the rote-ness of it.

frasersmummy · 10/03/2009 20:06

When ds is mean I sit him down and say something like how would you feel if mummy said you were horrible and she didnt want you in the room any more

when he replies I would feel sad I say well how do you think mummy feels ???

when he admits it would make me (or other person) feel sad he then says sorry

MmeLindt · 10/03/2009 20:22

Aitch
I tell him that I would like him to apologise, and ask him to think about how he would feel if another child hit him/ridiculed his painting skills or whatever.

I try not to back myself into a corner of making him apologise but I do make it clear that he should.

At 4yo they are just beginning to understand empathy and realising that how the wronged child feels. I prefer to work on that than getting him to parrot "sorry" even when he does not know why he is saying sorry.

When I say to him that he should apologise he says, "'pologise"

AitchTwoOh · 10/03/2009 20:24

oh right, gotcha. yep, i try to to it more like that myself. dd said 'i apologise you grandma'.

i know what caused her bad behaviour, though. sodding angelina ballerina. i hate that mouse.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 20:33

Aitch pray tell, what has Angelina been up to?

Original poster
Aranea · 10/03/2009 21:09

Aitch, I expect YABU. Poor Angelina.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 10/03/2009 21:20

oh, she's such a rotten little prig. and so horrible to her cousin henry. dd has started saying 'i hate x or y', just like angelina. and throwing stuff about her room when in a temper. i've banned the sodding mouse but the memory lingers.

katiestar · 10/03/2009 21:48

The other 4 yr old was just being truthful ,tactless but truthful.
I woul;d have gone doen the road of saying 'well i think its a lovely drawing I especially like X Y and Z' You need to be teaching her to be more resilient and not fall apart at every piece of criticism.

Nighbynight · 10/03/2009 22:01

I tend to agree with katie and madame lindt both. forcing children to apologise has many pitfalls.