to think she is not really being a friend and i am just an "extra"

[baskingshark]

an acquaintance living in my area has recently made a lot of effort to socialise with a lot of people.so far so good. she has been nice enough to invite me over along with a few others but each time has not spoken at all to me during the evening.there are usually only 6 to 8 there and the same happens in the pub etc.I am not very out going and probably quite boring but feel miffed that this happens each time.so am i just a big saddo or should i expect to be included?I am nice but don't have as much to say as the other people there who have big egos/personalities.I end up feeling a bit embarrassed and have stopped going.i get the feeling this is networking and i am making up the numbers.i also think i should make more effort but don't seem to know how.the others seem to have a good time but i always feel left out.

Maybe don't assume first of all that she/they are being fake. If you were such a bore, you wouldn't be invited? You don't have to be centre of attention to be considered exciting or great fun. A lot of times, it is the quiet person in the corner who is the most interesting. If she doesn't make the effort to speak to you then you should take that as a chance to talk to the other people who are there and widen your circle of friends regardless?

I know it is hard but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet

I would refuse any future invites and be quite curt about it!

Holy you dont honestly think that its ok for the host no ignore a guest?
I imagine as time has gone on OP has retreaded into the background more and more due to feeling so unwelcome.

hmm, tricky.
She has not spoken to you AT ALL? or has she just not had a conversation with you? Have any of the others tried to have a conversation with you? Do you know any of the others?

Perhaps she is trying to bring you out of yourself - I can't see that she is "using" you to make up numbers particularly, because there are enough there without you and it isn't always the same number of people.

Sometimes it really does seem as though it is impossible to break into conversations - perhaps you could cultivate being louder to be heard...

Don't assume you are boring - there is a reason you are being invited, but if you are not able to join in and enjoy yourself then there is no point in continuing to go. OTOH, if you could use the situation yourself to increase your social circle and practise putting yourself forward, you could get something out of it too.

perhaps she's like me - likes to invite people as I want to cultivate a social life and enjoy going out, but am a crap host and feel really awkward talking to people that I'm not really close to.

She sounds like one of those people who feel they need a group around them. Sometimes this is down to not being very good with what i'd call proper conversation; they can do small talk, which is about all you often get in this size of social group, but anything more intimate and 'real' they can't do.

I don't blame you for not continuing to go - why the hell would you? She's hardly making you feel welcome.

You sound strong, because you've had the spirit to take yourself out of the situation. Concentrate on opening up to people you do like, when you can, and genuine friends will come, IMHO.

FAQ thats probably it.
Thumbwitch of course she says hello and offers me a drink she just wants to speak to the others more.
I think i'm the one with a problem really,i will do better to join clubs/have my close friends as I've never been a networker and am a lot more self conscious now in a big group as everyone is speaking and i can't get myself heard.As each evening is the same its making me much less confident rather than bringing me out of myself so i think this group is not for me

thanks slowreading thats really nice

sleepyeyes - no I don't think it is ok for a host to ignore a guest. I am all for good manners.

However, I know that shy people can be hard work (having previously been shy myself) and sometimes awkwardness can prevail and hence feelings of being ignored or not being able to mix well. Also, sometimes at parties, so much can be happening that things get missed and it's not always deliberate. I'm not trying to make excuses for the host, that's why I suggested ignoring whatever the host is doing and using the occasion to make other friends. If the host is shallow, doesn't mean OP should miss out as there may be some really nice other people there. I guess I am saying give benefit of the doubt and try again rather than sitting in the house and feeling awful about it.

Nowadays I am a person who engages (deliberately) the shy or quiet person in the room purely because I know what it is like to feel less loud than other people and it is really nice when someone makes effort to come right over and start conversation (something Id never have done years ago ). I've made a lot of good friends that way.

sleepyeyes yes thats whats happened i feel a bit excruciated now as i realise she chooses to speak to the others all the time, and the remaining people there know each other a lot better and are meeting up day to day.

actually I'm sort of dreading friday - having a housewarming/birthday party here.

at the moment 6 confirmed (including my DH - we're seperated but "dating" again so hence he has an "invite" rather than just being there) and one probable.

4 of them know each other fairly well from church - but I'm closer to 2 of them than the others
1 one them knows a few of those 4 from my DS's Christening
1 of them knows the one from DS's Christening from on here
DH knows all but the latter one in one degree or another.

yes, I too have been the shy one in the corner who sits back and doesn't get talked to or heard when trying to contribute to the conversation - it's most uncomfortable.
But it is all too easy to allow that situation to continue, and as HG says, it can be quite difficult to engage with someone like that in a group situation.

Still, a good hostess, or someone who is looking to make friends with everyone, should make more effort with every person in the group.

I still think she must see something in you that attracted her to inviting you along, though, baskingshark - and I still can't see it as you just being a makeweight.

Just a thought....you don't HAVE to like going out in big groups! My XH used to drag me along to his social networking things where I had to play 'good wife' and chit-chat with people all night while he ignored me and worked the room.

People who know me in RL would be surprised, but I actually don't like big groups (though I can appear to have a good time). I really prefer 1-2 close friends. If you've got nothing to say to these people, why bother? Don't make yourself miserable for something you think you 'should' do.

its probably the group dynamic as three of them are very close friends for the last few years.

sarah yes i agree

i think it would be different if it seemed a genuine friendship with this woman as it originally seemed.

oh god your last post has me even more nervous about Friday night now - as 2 of them coming have been close friends for a few years, eeek

sorry!
am thinking i should have my own social event maybe that would help!

no it's ok - I've been an emotional wreck most of this afternoon/evening so just ignore my witterings LOL.

I used to have a serious red face problem. Whenever anyone talked to me, my face would beam beetroot red even my chest, neck and my whole body would feel boiling hot, my hands would sweat and I felt like a total turd, I hated it because it was so obvious. I'd find it impossible to think of something relevant or interesting to say, everyne else was cleverer, smarter. It was sheer hell. I'd always say stupid things and rethink it over and over about how crap I was.

I dunno what changed, I just kinda decided that even if I made an arse of myself I should try harder and damn those extreme blushes. Christ if I had £1 for everytime I've made a social arse of myself I'd be a millionaire.

baskingshark - now there is an idea!!! Your own social occasion, and why the heck not? Bloody hell, go for it girl!

well i seem to have got much shyer partly because i'm older i don't have any glam factor as i used to have i seem to have become invisible.I've always had a lot of friends and maybe i'm just mixing with a set thats partly already established and partly too young for me.They also drink quite a bit and i don't drink[i'm even boring myself now fgs!]
What's confused me is she is always very keen for me to go so it seems churlish not to go,but then i go and don't speak to her and i mainly went so as not to let her down!!

You don't need to be glam or pissed. Maybe you do need a different circle of friends if that is how you feel but never ever feel that you are not enough!! Maybe you are more mature and I mean that in the nicest of ways, in the intellectual way

I do think there are people who don't feel like the evening has been a 'success' unless loads of people turn up. My XH was like this.

However, even if this is what your friend is doing, I don't think it means she is a bad person or is doing it maliciously. There may be a dual purpose--she likes lots of people, and you seem shy so she wants to help you 'get out there' by inviting you. Nice thought, but some of us just don't need big groups!

Next time, you could just say, 'I'm not really one for the large groups, but thanks for the invite anyway'. XH used to always try to convince me, tell me who else was going to be there, say how interesting it would be, etc, etc. But the point for me was, I wouldn't have any attention from him, didn't know/care about anyone else there, so didn't want to go!

cheers Holy!
I guess she's the hostess so she can suit herself to a degree so i'll get that party list started!

There have been times at the pub too when i've tried hard to talk and she and another woman just talk over everyone its like a competition to get a word in!