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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my friend didn't reprimand her child for hitting mine

27 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 09/03/2009 16:38

My friend has just visited with her DD. They were playing upstairs (both 3.5, friend a tad older) when DD started crying - this girl had hit my DD with a wooden play sword, in the face!! I was cross, but didn't say anything to the girl as her mum was there so i was expecting her to tell her off - I just comforted my own DD who was sobbing. Then the other child demanded to go - good i thought, so her mum took her downstairs, but when i came downstairs child had started playing with my DDs toys and refused to go!! FFS - i told her that me and DD were going to do some cooking now so she would have to go.

I feel quite upset for my DD as this is the final straw for me, my DD, for some reason, is really attached to this girl but i get the impression that she doesn't like my DD. She tends to ignore her when other children around and can be quite blatant about blanking her. I have posted on here before as i have questioned whether the friendship is worth pushing as i do get on with her mum, but not after this - she could have really hurt my DD. My Poor DD was so upset - if it had been the other way around i would have gone ballistic at DD. Well i would have been very cross and let her know this somehow.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 09/03/2009 16:42

YANBU, I would expect her to at least tell her child this is not to be done again if she really does not want to "tell her off".

Is she your friend who carries on doing her cleaning when you visit her and expects you to look after her DD as well as yours? (sorry if I have the wrong person).

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 09/03/2009 16:43

no, this is someone who i really get on well with. She is a bit PFB, but so am i really if im honest. But i do think that she should have at least told her not to do it - i don't think im going to push this friendship as my DD always tends to get upset by this girl.

OP posts:

mylifemykids · 09/03/2009 16:47

How do you know what happened if they were upstairs? I'm not saying the girl didn't hit your DD but maybe she did it because your DD tried to take the sword from her? Not that it's an excuse for your friend not to tell her off though!!

Parents not telling their children off for hitting another child is a pet peeve of mine!

dilemma456 · 09/03/2009 16:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 09/03/2009 16:49

no, the girl told me herself she hit DD with it but she was only playing - but it stunk of "shit, i need to get myself out of trouble here". I had mixed feelings about this child, but this has sealed the deal.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 09/03/2009 16:50

Well, If you get on well with the mum but your DDs do not get allong can you meet when they are at playgroup or nursery (if they go at all that is). Sometimes friendship between children do change in time, DD1 had a bad relationship with the daughter of one of my friends and one day (sorry I really cannot remember what actually happened to change the things arround, but they are now as friendly as me and her mum) so all is not lost.

Is it possible at all that your friend has not realised that your DD was crying because of hers?

Gorionine · 09/03/2009 16:51

If the little girl owned up, maybe it was really unintentional, still, the mum could have sais something.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 09/03/2009 16:52

she knew because she was right behind me when i went up to find out why DD was crying. I think its time to break to ties - they will be going to different schools anyway - thankfully.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 09/03/2009 17:01

I think at the end of the day you know best if it is worth or not to keep trying .

Morloth · 09/03/2009 17:41

In our house if you are playing swords you are NOT allowed to whine when (not if) you get whacked. That is what swords are for.

It happened upstairs, who the hell knows what they were really up to. Just forget it and let it go.

Kids are going to do this stuff, if you get put out everytime then you are in for a pretty rough ride.

IlanaK · 09/03/2009 17:46

Sorry, but the swords get put away in our house when friends come to play for exactly this reason. And ours are only foam or plastic. There is no way I would leave a wooden sword ina room with unacompanied children.

MoshiMoshi · 09/03/2009 17:52

It is tricky when you know you would have done something differently had you been the offending child's mother. I find it tricky and certainly would have been cross and reprimanded my child if they had been seen to be bullying or overly aggressive, but ultimately, everybody parents differently and what you are doing is judging the way they are raising their child. Is it really worth losing a friendship over that? They were playing with swords after all and, as Morloth said, swords are for (pretend) fighting but 3 year olds are definitely to young to be held responsible for their sword fighting. I know my 5 year old can get a bit carried away with his light sabering and he is quite good at it!

Your child is still little and you will probably find over time that the children who seemed little monsters were just going through phases and that you grow to like them and wonder how you could have thought they were horrors all that time ago. I know I have! So seriously consider whether it is worth losing a friend over this - you could still see the friend but for girlie dinners rather than playdates? This is what I have had to resort to with a friend of mine whose boys run riot when they visit!

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 09/03/2009 17:59

fair point about the sword, although to be fair there is only one sword and i wasn't aware it was there - I do think it was a case of this girl hitting my DD, not during play as my DD was doing something else. I think if it were a one off i would take it as a one off, kids will be kids etc, but my DD keeps getting upset by this girls rebuffs etc. I guess i can't make her like my DD though can i, honestly, she sometimes looks at my DD like soething she has trodden in and often completely blanks her at ballet.

Oh god, how pfb do i sound

OP posts:

MoshiMoshi · 09/03/2009 18:03

I used to feel like that about a neighbour's son who my DS really liked but he was obviously not as keen. It is perfectly natural to want to protect your children. But if I am honest, it was really me being offended for my DS - he wasn't bothered! And in fact they have grown up a bit and a year later they are best of friends and I have completely changed my mind about him - he is a sweet boy and we get on really well as parents. The boy was just growing up! Avoid the playdates until (if) you can stomach them again and just see your friend for drinks/dinner. It'll pass I am sure!

Morloth · 09/03/2009 18:06

A bit, but we all do it LucyEllensmummy.

They have to sort it out for themselves (obviously within reason).

You can't protect her from having her feelings hurt, what you can do is teach her how to deal with it when it happens.

nickschick · 09/03/2009 18:09

LEM as a mum of 3 boys I have really learnt my lesson the hard way with regards to this .....i would have said very sternly what a horrid thing to do, I thought you were friends,I would then have made moves to get the child and its mum out of the house and would certainly not be in a rush to invite them round again.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 09/03/2009 18:17

i normally would have said something, but the mum is pregnant and its not going well. Maybe thats why she didn't say anything - i'll leave it, but don't think i'll push the friendship tbh.

OP posts:

nickschick · 09/03/2009 18:20

its bloody awful tho isnt it?

is your dd ok?

luckylady74 · 09/03/2009 18:37

I think 3 yr olds blanking each other is normal (my twins have just turned 4) as is hitting someone if there's a play sword to hand.
However, a parent should insist on their child apologising if the child's upset.

Tbh my dd sounds like the other child a bit - her 'best' friend rushed upto her in ds1's playground this morning and gave her a hug - dd screamed! Dd likes her personal space and is a mardy cow in the mornings before preschool!

Do you think you're expecting 3 yrolds to conduct their friendships like adults?

YANBU at the lack of apology, but I'm not sure about the rest.

I'm aware that my lot don't always get on perfectly with the kids I invite round, but that's because I invite my friends around and just expect that they'll get on with who evers here - surely I don't haved to worry about who they're friends with before they start school?

bubblagirl · 09/03/2009 18:53

children are friends one moment and not the next im always told from 3-6 you shouldn't class your children as having friends as they actually dont know the meaning of friendship and shouldn't be expected to

i think i would only say something to my ds if is aw him hit the other child as it could have just been an accident and without seeing what happened wouldnt be fair to punish if it was not intentional

i would have made a point of playing more carefully and being nice to each other but wouldnt be fair if they were both messing around sword pings and hits your dd face and the other girl is then punished for an accident

children will be children and thats all you can look apon them as if worried how they play together keep them where you can pull any bad behavior up but 3 year olds are not intentionally nasty they have no real concept of how friendship works

i do feel for your dd though as have read many threads on how this affects her if your not happy with the friendship then leave it as your dd seems to like the girl regardless

Kimi · 09/03/2009 19:06

I think the other mother should have told her child off, If it were me I would have told my child off, I would also have told the other child off if someone hit my child and the parent let them get away with it

MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 19:12

YANBU re: the fact that the child's mum should definitely have reprimanded her for hitting your DD. But your attitude towards the 3 yr old girl is immature and, yes - unreasonable. She is three, FGS.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 09:09

How is my attitude immature??? I haven't said that i dislike this child at all, just that, for some reason, i don't think she really likes my DD and that maybe i shouldn't encourage the friendship. I do think the mother should have reprimanded her, but she didn't and thats her choice i suppose. I would have repreminded DD. I have listed the issues that she has with DD to get other peoples opinions. This girl has a sort of best friend who she sees a lot and goes to a CM with a girl the same age as her. It might my MY DD causing her to behave the way she does with her, my DD can be quite full on with cuddles etc.

NOT immature at all - quite by your comment to be honest.

OP posts:

sarah573 · 10/03/2009 09:27

I think you are being very a bit PFB over this! 3 year olds do behave like this because they are 3 year olds! If you fall out with everyone who's child behaves in a way you do not like you are pretty quickly going to have fallen out with everyone.

If you fiends DD did hit your DD intentionally then yes she should have been reprimanded. From what you have said though it sounds very unclear if the hit was intentional, or an accident, or in the course of rough play. This may be why mum didn't tell her off as she didn't know, and if it was for the latter two she really doesn't deserve reprimanding. You were after all the one who left them with the toy.

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 10/03/2009 09:32

why couldn't you tell her off yourself?

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