Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sholud they have told me? I suspect IABU on this one

47 replies

Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 14:37

xp lives with his mum, ds(2) stays over every other weekend, xp am i get on ok, xmil and i get on really well, always sending messages on fb etc...

anyway ds has been coming home talking about a little boy he plays with while he is at grandmas, he mentions that the little boy and his mum come to grandmas house and they play, he has been talking of them since before xmas and i just assumed they were friends of my xmil

but it turns out the woman and the little boy are my xp's new girlfriend and her son, now i have no problem with my xp moving on but i at least though he, or xmil would have told me they were introducing ds to a new girlfriend and her son

I feel annoyed that they have been in ds life since about Oct last year and nobody told me, xmil even asked me if i had meet anyone new when i went to her house for lunch last month, so the conversation about new relationships has come up between us and she didnt even mention that xp now has a new gf and they all spend lots of time together at her house

I only got suspicious because ds keeps mentioning them, and i knew this woman is on xmil fb friends(hence the reason i though she was her friend) then on sunday the woman changed her profile pic to one of her and xp looking cosy, i then put 2 and 2 together, xp also mentioned on twitter that his 'missus' was getting broody

I just feel annoyed that no one told me, ffs why do i have to find these things out via fb and twitter

i am probably being unreasonable and its probably none of my business

and before you jump on me saying i must have feelings for my xp, i dont, but i do have gripes about him not paying any child support AT ALL (csa are taking him to court) so maybe this is my way of venting about that as well

OP posts:
plantsitter · 09/03/2009 14:40

You are not really being unreasonable but I bet your XMIL either thought you already knew, or thought your xp should tell you and has been feeling uncomfortable about it for ages.

compo · 09/03/2009 14:40

yanbu
it is obvious to me he should have told you about a new influence in yor son's life
not sure what to do about it though

Original poster
Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 14:40

should not sholud. durrr

OP posts:
Original poster
Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 14:43

but if she though xp had told me she would have freely spoke about it

she obviously knew xp had not told me

it doesnt suprise me that my xp said nothing as we dont speak much, but xmil and i get on really well and i feel hurt that she said nothing

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 09/03/2009 14:45

I imagine she felt it was your xp's place to tell you not hers. I would feel that way in her situation.

Don't worry about it too much, and if you're going to get annoyed with anyone - I would do so with XP!

tiggerlovestobounce · 09/03/2009 14:45

YANBU

thumbwitch · 09/03/2009 14:46

oh do you know what, YA so NBU. It is a small courtesy, but your XP should have definitely told you. I expect your XMIL felt that it was not her place to tell you (true) and was waiting for her useless son to sort it out.

What a stupid situation for him to have set up - it was such a little thing to have made things easy and he's ballsed it up and caused unnecessary upset.

Knickers0nMaHead · 09/03/2009 14:47

Yanbu but she probably thought it wasnt down to her to tell you.

edam · 09/03/2009 14:47

your ex is at fault. Pathetic way to behave.

DrTrillianAstra · 09/03/2009 14:49

YANBU to expect to be told, but I can understand xMIL feeling that it was XP's place to tell you and not her place.

badbadday · 09/03/2009 14:55

I think YABU. I just can't see why exdp should have to report every new relationship to you.

I guess this is the danger with things like fb/twitter - nothing is private any more!

I can see that the new gf may me a key person in your DC's life going forward, but exdp as his parent should be capable of managing this situation

Ivykaty44 · 09/03/2009 14:59

Ok this is where I think all the boundaries are really confussed and messed up which doesn't help.

You get on ok with ep - but he withholds maintenence from you for your joint son. I expect you do this for the sake of your dc - but where is your exp loyalty to you and his son?

You have your ex mil on fb? Fine but her loyalty will be with her son - not you.

Yes it is ok to be civil to an ex p and his family, but get to envolved and things will go wrong and peoples felling will get hurt.

back off and try to keep a more distant but still civil relationship is easier for you and still ok for your dc.

Dont let people trample on your feelings. You have done all the right things but look after yourself and keep a distance.

DollyMessiter · 09/03/2009 15:01

YANBU.
I would be very cross about this.
You sound lovely, and very understanding, and I think you deserve more respect from the father of your child.

Perhaps it is time to state your case a little more forcefully.

Original poster
Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 15:07

you are right ivykaty, i will back off from now on, but you xmil has both me and her sons new gf on her fb friends, it was bound to come out in the end so why not just tell me? i have no problem with him introducing our son to a new relatioship, i just feel like an idiot finding out the way i did, especially since it has been months not just weeks, since they introduced ds

OP posts:
squeaver · 09/03/2009 15:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

But what's more worrying is that he's obviously thinking about having a child with this woman while he's not paying you any child support.

Haribosmummy · 09/03/2009 15:16

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I met my DH's ex before I met the kids and We told her (DH's ex) before we told the kids that we were expecting a baby together (we'd been together ten years at that point)

We're not friendly... In fact, civil is really the best we can do, but she's still the mother of his kids and therefore deserves (and is given) that respect.

Second Squeaver's point... Having kids without paying your CS is worrying.

Original poster
Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 15:28

Haribomummy that is a very civil and adult way to be, and although i dont expect that level of respect from my xp, at the very least i would have hoped to have been told

but like i said, my feelings towards xp are somewhat resentful anyway, which is why i thought i may have BU.

OP posts:
mondaymonday · 09/03/2009 15:28

I don't think being a parent makes someone worthy of respect.

Dh's ex has treated him diabotically and causes difficulty over every single detail of his relationship with his DC's. Imo respect is earned, not a given

Original poster
Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 15:36

thats just it mondaymonday, i think i have been very fair to my xp, when he found out i was pg he didnt want to be a father and left me to cope alone, didnt contact me throughout my pg, didnt want to meet ds when he was born, but i encouraged him to meet and then allowed regular access, i have never been difficult and i think i have earned some respect

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 09/03/2009 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Haribosmummy · 09/03/2009 15:51

MrsJammi - I'd totally agree with you if the child was a little older, but at 2YO, I think a little communication is acceptable.

Mondaymonday - I don't like my DH's ex and she dislikes me even more, but I will always respect her position as mother of my step daughters.

mondaymonday · 09/03/2009 16:01

I guess there's a difference between not liking someone, and finding them and their behaviour utterly dispicable

pingping · 09/03/2009 16:06

YABU on your XMIL its not her place to tell you.

YANBU to expect your xdp to tell you though

Haribosmummy · 09/03/2009 16:09

MM - For fear of hijacking OP's thread (sorry )

Nope, I can't stand Dh's ex. I think she's done everything in her power to alienate DH from the kids, she's obsessed about money (to the detriment of the kids) and she plays more games than the bloody Olympics. BUT, My DSDs have a hard enough time of it without me wading in with my opinion of their mother.

When they are old enough (and they are pretty much there now), then they will see who played games, who was nasty, who called names etc., etc.,

I think it's every child's right to love their mother regardless... We usually do, regardless of what our mothers are actually like... Anyway, that's pretty off topic now...

2rebecca · 09/03/2009 16:16

It would have been courteous of him to tell you, but I wouldn't regard it as essential. I'd be more annoyed at the lack of child support. I presume you've been through the CSA.
Facebook often sounds more trouble than its worth. I'm amazed at all the grannies on it. I suppose I regard it as a teenage thing and think adults should have other things to do with their time.