Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sholud they have told me? I suspect IABU on this one

47 replies

Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 14:37

xp lives with his mum, ds(2) stays over every other weekend, xp am i get on ok, xmil and i get on really well, always sending messages on fb etc...

anyway ds has been coming home talking about a little boy he plays with while he is at grandmas, he mentions that the little boy and his mum come to grandmas house and they play, he has been talking of them since before xmas and i just assumed they were friends of my xmil

but it turns out the woman and the little boy are my xp's new girlfriend and her son, now i have no problem with my xp moving on but i at least though he, or xmil would have told me they were introducing ds to a new girlfriend and her son

I feel annoyed that they have been in ds life since about Oct last year and nobody told me, xmil even asked me if i had meet anyone new when i went to her house for lunch last month, so the conversation about new relationships has come up between us and she didnt even mention that xp now has a new gf and they all spend lots of time together at her house

I only got suspicious because ds keeps mentioning them, and i knew this woman is on xmil fb friends(hence the reason i though she was her friend) then on sunday the woman changed her profile pic to one of her and xp looking cosy, i then put 2 and 2 together, xp also mentioned on twitter that his 'missus' was getting broody

I just feel annoyed that no one told me, ffs why do i have to find these things out via fb and twitter

i am probably being unreasonable and its probably none of my business

and before you jump on me saying i must have feelings for my xp, i dont, but i do have gripes about him not paying any child support AT ALL (csa are taking him to court) so maybe this is my way of venting about that as well

OP posts:

Sakladdie · 09/03/2009 16:22

YANBU.
Your exMIL was probably correct as not her place but exDP should have.
If this person in your DS life you should know.
I have been with DH for 10 years 3 of which before i met what is now my DSD.And before meeting her he informed his exW as it is certainly her concern that some strange woman was going to be in her DD life.
As for no privacy,when a child involved there is no such thing.They come first no matter what.

mondaymonday · 09/03/2009 16:25

sakladdie - if the child's mother meets a new (female) friend who she sees very day, often in eachothers houses etc, spend a lot of time together, should she tell the exdp about it?

Haribosmummy · 09/03/2009 16:31

Mondaymonday - Sorry, but it's not the same thing.

I am not a friend who happens to be 'at dad's' a lot, I'm his wife and the mother to his other kids. TOTALLY different.

And, from what the OP has said, her ex and this woman are thinking of kids. That has a massive impact on her child.

I would like to see a situation where DH's ex showed him the courtesy of telling him about the (multiple!) BFs she's introduced to the kids over the years. She never has, but that doesn't mean I/ we have to sink to her level.

The OP, IMHO, has every right to know about a SO in her child's life.

Sakladdie · 09/03/2009 16:32

That is not the point as totally different relationship to child.It is common decency to be precise.
I know that i thought much more of my DH for dealing with things the way he did.
He is an excellent father in all respects.
Also i know his exW thought more of him for this reason too,hence the reason there is absolutely no animosity at all.

mondaymonday · 09/03/2009 16:33

yes you are his wife and mother to his other kids, but the OP's ex is not married and they don't have kids (and the OP has only read about a suggestion of future kids by nosying on fb!)

piscesmoon · 09/03/2009 16:33

I think you should know but I don't think you can blame xMIL, she was put in a very difficult position because it isn't her place to tell you. You should all be blaming XP as he was the one that should have informed you.

2rebecca · 09/03/2009 16:49

My ex didn't inform me when he got a girlfriend. She gradually came into conversations. Getting a girlfriend is a gradual thing after all. It's different if you move in with someone and the child is staying with both instead of just 1, but I don't feel my ex has to inform me about the women he sees when with our kids any more than he has to inform me about the men he sees.
I think some resident parents are a bit control freaky about this.
What practical difference does it make if you find out your ex has a new girlfriend before she meets your kids or a couple of months after? None that I can think of.
I know some women want to meet potnetial girlfriends and vet them but I see that as a sign of not having let go of their ex, and more control freakery.

mondaymonday · 09/03/2009 16:53

2rebecca I agree

When DH in the past mentioned to his ex one day that I would be picking up one of the kids one day from a holiday club (on a day he had the kids, but couldn't get home on time), she refused. Yet her friend (female) is allowed to pick up the kids, babysit etc. Extreme control freakery at work

Sakladdie · 09/03/2009 17:03

Never said if just a short relationship or building up relationship but if going to meet kids then yes ex should know,no matter what parent has kid.
I am thinking of child not self and presume that is exactly what should be done.

mondaymonday · 09/03/2009 17:05

so likewide if the OP meets a man and is seeing how things go in the new relationship, she has to tell her exdp about it?

Sakladdie · 09/03/2009 17:42

If introducing to child yes.Where is the problem here?

Haribosmummy · 09/03/2009 17:51

Agree with Sakladdie.

While you are 'taking it easy and just seeing how things go' you keep your kids out of it (esp. easy if you are the NCP)

WHen you make a committment to have another SO in your life, you tell the mother / father of your kids about that.

Especially, IMHO, at 2YO when kids are figuring out relationships etc.,

Though, I have to say, Mondaymonday, my DH's Ex does border on control-freakery-insanity!!!

Original poster

Iprobablyam · 09/03/2009 18:10

have spoken to xmil and told her i know as i think xp has put her in an arkward position and i didnt want her to feel uncormfortable. she said she guessed i would find out this week as the girlfriend has been posting on her wall about the relationship and like i said she changed her profile picture (i think she was letting me know by doing that tbh as i have been posting on xmil wall this week too)

Anyway i agreed it wasnt her place to tell me and she agreed it wasnt nice for me to find out via facebook. She said she doesnt think the relationship is serious which is probably why xp didnt feel the need to tell me

Haribosmummy i agree with you, While you are 'taking it easy and just seeing how things go' you keep your kids out of it, xp has obviously introduced ds very early on in the relationship which is his decision and none of my business.

But like i said in my op, i probably am B a bit U and i cant expect the same level of respect that i would show him. I centainly wouldnt introduce my ds to a new dp unless i knew it was serious and would inform my xp if i did have a new dp as i know ds is bound to mention it.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 09/03/2009 18:11

I don't understand the connection between telling your ex you have a new girlfriend/boyfriend and "thinking of the child".
That tends to presume that mum knowing about the girlfriend before the child meets her somehow benefits the child. Why should this be?
It satisfies the mums nosiness and desire to be informed about her exes love life but I really don't think that it benefits the child.
I think children benefit from not having a series of short term girlfriends and boyfriends paraded in front of them (although at 2 most of that stuff would go over their heads) but I don't think women have a monopoly on introducing new partners sensitively to kids.

2rebecca · 09/03/2009 18:23

It sounds as though you've sensibly sorted it out. If girlfriend isn't serious I'm surprised his mum has met her and posted pictures of her on facebook, but then I don't get adult men who choose to live with their mums and women old enough to be grannies who gossip on facebook.

ChasingSquirrels · 09/03/2009 18:33

I can see 2 points of view here.

Ex told me a few weeks ago that he was seeing someone else and was telling me because he was going to introduce them to the children.

In one way I am glad he told me - because the children have then talked about his GF and child, and I know who they are talking about.

But in another way it is none of my business anymore and tbh my children's life while they are with their dad is not actually my concern - I am only involved in it to the extent that they wish to discuss it with me.

Haribosmummy · 09/03/2009 18:39

But, surely, it's preferable for your children, CS, to come home and feel able to speak about Dad's GF and child and know that you know who they are talking about.

my DSDs (because of their mum's extremely volatile reactions to things she doesn't like) effectively lead two lives and I think that's quite sad, to be honest (not to mention quite dangerous for a 14YO to know one parent doesn't speak to the other!!!! )

CS - I hope you are OK... I've followed your posts and I don't suppose having to deal with a new GF was easy for you.

nomoreamover · 09/03/2009 20:24

to echo others.....anything that important to do with your DS is most definately your business. ESPECIALLY if she is getting broody and there may be half siblings on the way........YANBU - he should have told you and is a coward for not doing so

ChasingSquirrels · 09/03/2009 22:04

I don't know Haribo. Yes they should feel able to come home and speak about what happens at their dad's, but equally I am not PART of that life.
It's the same as school - they can come home and talk about it, but I only know about it from what they tell me - not because I am part of it.
I certainly don't want them to feel that they can't talk to me about it, although I am sure that the older one will feel this to an extent in order not to hurt me.
I try not to quiz them about what they have done with their dad. I treat it in much the same way as school - "did you have a good day?" or "did you do anything fun today?", which leaves it open for them to tell me about it if they wish, I think that they need to be able to decide what they want to tell me, but be aware that I am happy to talk about whatever they want.

I agree on the point about one parent not speaking to the other, I think (hope) we will always be able to talk about issues affecting them - but at the moment there are very few issues to which this applies (ie ds2 had a dodgy tummy, ds1 banged his head at school just keep on eye on him). Obviously this will change as they get older.

BUT they HAVE got two lives, this is the course that their father has chosen and they now have to live with that. I don't like it, I do think that it is sad for them, but I can't change it. All I can do, as I hope he is doing, is make it as easy as possible for them.
I can not integrate those two lives - regardless of the fact that it isn't really practical, it isn't a possibility for my own sanity, and I'm not sure whether is would be better for them anyway, or would it be confusing? I really don't know.

And thanks for the bit about the new GF. TBH the few days after he told me was hellish - like going back to the beginning again. But actually it was probably the best thing (well apart from him coming back!) that could have happened - as it is making me accept that it is over (I KNEW it was, I KNEW we weren't going to get back together, but I guess deep down I still HOPED. Now I don't).
I don't know if it will be a long term thing, although I guess as he has introduced the children he/she are hoping it will be.
Whatever happens I hope that in the end both he and I manage to find happiness out of this mess, and that the children know that they are loved by both of us.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 09/03/2009 23:17

Forgive me if I'm off the mark here - as my child maintenance situation has thankfully been uncomplex so I'm no expert on it - but...
...could your XP have been keeping quiet about NW because she's contributing to the level of income the CSA takes into account, either by NW staying over at his mum's or him staying at NW's?
Not to delve too far into conspiracy theory but how certain can you be that he's not just using his mum's house as a forwarding adress and has actually moved in with NW elsewhere?

NotPlayingAnyMore · 09/03/2009 23:18

(By NW I mean "new woman" - his GF)

mondaymonday · 10/03/2009 07:44

iprobablyam - you are a very nice person

2rebecca & chassingsqirrels - you both talk a lot of sense

Flip

1 2