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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potentially awkward situation with childminding friend - please help me work out if IABU?

63 replies

kettlechip · 09/03/2009 13:12

One of my closest friends is a childminder and currently has a little boy for 2 full days (10 hrs) a week at £30 per session, plus ds for 3 hrs twice a week, for which we pay £15 each time - £5 per hour.

Things aren't working out with the little boy she looks after so I've offered her ds for 2 full days as I'd like to up my hours at work. We agreed the days and all was well until she mentioned that she'd like to raise her fees from the £30 per day she currently charges the little boy's parents to £40 per day for me, so that she wouldn't need to work any other days in the week. She'd have him for 7-8 hours per day. The going rate in our area is £25-30 per day.

This just isn't sitting well with me. DH earns well so in theory we could afford it, but it would wipe out my earnings before we start. WWYD? I feel so awkward talking about money, especially with a good friend and there is no way I would ever expect any discounts or preferential treatment but this feels to be going completely the opposite way.

OP posts:
wabbit · 09/03/2009 13:50

I don't know where you are but rates here are £4 per hour - a 7 hr day would be just £28

a 10 hour day would be £40 pound but those three hours make a lot of difference.
Will she be charging the other child's parents the same as you?

It is hard work being a childminder, not at all like having your own children around, especially now with the Statutory framework... and I think it's work that is undervalued but all childminders are in the same boat.

Why doesn't she charge hourly rates?

nailpolish · 09/03/2009 13:51

offer to meet her halfway if she provides meals?

Original poster
kettlechip · 09/03/2009 13:58

She has always charged in sessions rather than by the hour. To work from 9.30- 2.30 I'd need to pay her the 8-1 and 1-6 session at £15 per time (or £20 in my case!) I think that's why she's struggled to find any other customers as for this area, that is very expensive. She isn't flexible with timings at all.

We live in a very rural area (best not to say which on the off chance someone recognises me or her!)

OP posts:
Nabster · 09/03/2009 14:06

She is charging the boys parents £3 an hour and you, £5 an hour. Why the difference?

dizzydixies · 09/03/2009 14:13

so she's split her days up into sessions like a nursery would, I've never heard that done by a CM before but then charging by the hour used to be a right PITA and I was always left hanging about on people

sorry, my nonsense hasn't helped you any

Original poster
kettlechip · 09/03/2009 14:18

no dizzy, it has helped, because she used to work in a nursery and that's where the idea has probably come from..

And I hate to say this but I think the reason we are being charged more is that she knows we can afford it because of DH's job, she knows I've paid over the odds before, she knows I want to help them (offered to help sell some things for them to raise some cash, DH gives them a few business freebies from the line of work he is in etc) and tbh I do feel by asking for this amount she is exploiting our friendship very slightly.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 09/03/2009 14:20

yes she is then, if you're giving her business you should be treated the same as other customers

btw, I charged less not more for the 'friend' I used to mind for

wabbit · 09/03/2009 14:22

Well, I'd love to be able to pull that kind of charging arrangement off - but i'd feel like a fraud being paid for hours I'm not actually responsible for the child.

nurseries do it to discourage parents dropping off and picking up all hours of the day - and with 15+ children, you can imagine it would be a nightmare to meet and greet parents as and when throughout the day.

nametaken · 09/03/2009 14:25

I think the same as the others. She should be charging you the same as the other little boy, and if she wants more money she should work more like we all have to.

TBH it's a shame she's got greedy because in your own words shes a "fantastic" childminder - How much longer do you need her for, coz if it's just a year or so, I'd definately try to get her to agree on a compromise. Your son is probably really happy there and it's not his fault she's greedy. It's a real shame people have to be like this

Original poster
kettlechip · 09/03/2009 14:26

that's what I feel dixie, I'd never ask for favours or a discount and treated her totally professionally (still paying full price while we were on holiday and not using her, sticking only to agreed days and hours and so on) as I wouldn't want to exploit her.
I just want to be treated the same as other customers, it's nothing to do with me if she chooses to fill or not fill the rest of her week, but I don't feel comfortable paying a premium to give her the choice to work part time.

OP posts:
Shoshe · 09/03/2009 14:28

I have never known a Cm charge for a 'session'.

All the CM's I know charge by the hour, here in North Dorset I charge £3.50 per hour.

GColdtimer · 09/03/2009 14:29

She is trying to emotionally blackmail you which just isn't on. Saying that if you don't pay she will have to go and get a job (which will make her miserable) puts you in a really difficult position.

She is exploiting your friendship and you might be better off being very honest and saying that to her. Explain that you feel in a really difficult position and ask her if there is any compromise. At the end of the day, she wants to work as a childmidner and you want her to look after your DS. You just want to be treated the same as any other client.

My DH is a guitar teacher and no longer teaches friends because of the difficult position they put him in. I have never heard of it this way round though.

NeedCoffee · 09/03/2009 14:29

agree with everyone else-also, really she should be grateful that you have offered to help her out by her having ds because things havn't worked out with the other boy imo.

nametaken · 09/03/2009 14:30

the problem is, punishing the CM also punishes your ds - if you can afford it pay it - it's not worth the heartache of upsetting your son.

tiggerlovestobounce · 09/03/2009 14:30

Are there any other childminders where you live? Maybe if you had a look at them and saw what they were like you would have a clearer idea of how much nonsense you are willing to tolerate from the CM you have.

Either way though, she does seem like she is abusing your friendship, and I'd be uncomfortable with that.

DaisyMooSteiner · 09/03/2009 14:36

Pfffft. She's taking the piss. She's basically asking you for a handout so she doesn't have to work as many hours. If I asked my friends to give me £50 a month I know what answer I'd get!

Kewcumber · 09/03/2009 14:39

I'm afraid I would end up resenting a friend who did this. Even if you gritted your teeth paid it, I suspect it wouldn't be many months before you really resented it.

Bye bye friend and childminder at that point. At least if you look for a more reasonble childminder then you stand some chance of keeping her as a friend (if you want to).

In your position I would look mournful and say "oh dear I'm sorry thats too expensive, how disappointing"

then look for a good alternative - other childminders are good too!

Original poster
kettlechip · 09/03/2009 14:40

Just contacted another childminder for details. It's such an awkward situation, thanks so much for all your help and suggestions. I know ds2 would be happy there but I think he'd probably cope fine at nursery, whereas ds1 needed the home from home environment. With my business head on, £40 just isn't viable considering my earnings in 5 hours, and DH would actually be subsidising me going to work if we paid this in childcare.

I'm a bit cross with her for putting me in this position after spending hours on the phone telling me how unhappy she is with the boy she's currently minding, plus their financial situation, but naively I really didn't see this coming at all. I do not want to fall out with her, and have left it that I will think it over.

OP posts:
HSMM · 09/03/2009 14:52

If she currently charges £15 for the 3 hours you have at the moment - £5 per hour, then an 8 hour day at £5 per hour would be £40. Same rate? More than I charge, but it's up to her.

Original poster
kettlechip · 09/03/2009 14:56

Other Childminder has just called me back. She has just qualified although has 3 older dc's of her own, sounds lovely, charges £24 for an 8 hour day and best of all, lives on the next street to us. My friend lives 5 miles across town and ds' school is 10 miles in the opposite direction from her house so I'd have had to do a 22 mile trip just to drop both dc's off.

It's a no brainer really isn't it? Am going to go for a look around tomorrow morning!

OP posts:
nametaken · 09/03/2009 14:58

oh well done - I hope everything turns out to be OK. Maybe your friend will think twice in future about assuming you will cough up a full time wage for her to only have to work part time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2009 15:03

cheeky mare!!!

YOUR FRIEND THAT IS!!

the other lady sounds perfect

it is silly to use a cm (friend or not) who is that far away from you

if the going rate is £3, then the day should be £30!!

Original poster
kettlechip · 09/03/2009 15:03

thanks nametaken, and everyone else who helped me with this saga!!

OP posts:
malovitt · 09/03/2009 15:13

She shouldn't be discussing how unhappy she is with her existing mindee with you, either. Very unprofessional.

tiggerlovestobounce · 09/03/2009 15:40

The other CM sounds great, hope it goes well for you tomorrow