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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for DH's stuff I have destroyed?

75 replies

SourCreamnChive · 08/03/2009 09:34

I got so sick of DH leaving his clothes all over for me to pick up that I told him I would throw away anything I found on the floor as though it was rubbish.

He didn't believe me. So, I began throwing away boxer shorts and socks whenever I found them slung on the floor. I hid a pair of his jeans and a coupl of t-shirts that I found on the floor saying that I'd thrown them too (althought wouldn't).

Anyway this morning he went to get changed and has no clean boxer shorts. He went mental saying I would now go out and buy him a load of new underwear from my own money. TODAY.

I told him to piss off.

AIBU? I'm so angry.

OP posts:

dittany · 08/03/2009 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgimama · 08/03/2009 14:54

It isn't controlling to expect people not to leave dirty clothes lying around - clean clothes belong in a cupboard or a chest of drawers. Dirty clothes belong in a laundry basket. The floor doesn't come into it.

Some of you must live in squalor if you think this is normal. OP I feel really sorry for you.

mm22bys · 08/03/2009 14:58

YABU. and childish and immature.

Next time, don't throw his stuff away, just leave it where it is, don't pick it up, don't wash it.

Like what's happened now, he will run out of clean stuff, and he will get the message.

violethill · 08/03/2009 15:00

Who says the OP's husband is expecting her to pick up his clothes and wash them for him?
He was leaving them around on the floor - he clearly has different levels of tidyness to the OP but that isn't a crime! If she just left them or kicked them into the corner then he'd stick them in the washer as soon as he ran out!

I can't believe that any adult thinks it is acceptable to throw away another adult's belongings. It is behaving like a young child. And a very badly brought up one at that.

Part of being an adult is learning to communicate your needs and wishes in an adult way. Telling your partner that you would prefer them not to leave their clothes on the floor is the preferred method. Sticking them in a bin bag or leaving them in a corner would be the next stage, if talking doesnt do the trick. But binning them is totally stupid.

It does amaze me though, the relationships some people get themselves into, and then tolerate for years!!

traceybath · 08/03/2009 15:02

Must say i wouldn't want my bedroom floor covered in dirty underwear - its not nice is it?

Surely its pretty basic to put dirty clothes in a dirty linen basket.

I'd have a discussion about houswork/chores and set some ground rules that work for both of you.

dittany · 08/03/2009 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill · 08/03/2009 15:11

Why the hell would one adult do the washing for another if they aren't happy with the situation and don't feel respected?!

The only time I ever took full responsibility for the family laundry was when I was staying home on maternity leave. I was around all day so it was easier for me to do it. I would not, however, expect to pick my partners clothes off the floor. I would have left them there and let him do it.

We choose to run a household where we both manage to switch on the washing machine though, and the children do theirs. It's really not rocket science. It's very odd that some people allow these situations to happen and then come on MN complaining about how unfair it is!!

dittany · 08/03/2009 15:22

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Lenlen · 08/03/2009 15:23

and a healthy kind too. i hope both of you ould calm down and realize what went wrong and sort things out so both of you won't be pissed out again.

pooka · 08/03/2009 15:31

But why should the OP have to live with his scuzzy pants on the floor? What if she has tried the not picking them up action (or inaction) and the end result was a bedroom that looked like a bombsite.

I have tried in a flat share the trick of leaving washing up/hoovering whatever until the other person noticed and did their fair share. What happened was that the flat descended into utter squalor. Hideous.

dittany · 08/03/2009 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill · 08/03/2009 16:19

I never said my relationship is perfect dittany, but maybe what you find difficult to understand is that it's based on the premise that my partner and me are both equal adults. We operate on a basis of reasonable communication rather than issuing eachother ultimatums. Neither of us is a fan of passive aggressive behaviour.

As for never ever hearing of the 'not doing it tactic' not working... not my experience. I refused to bring down dirty plates from my dd's room and after a while she got fed up of mouldy crockery.

Princeonthemove · 08/03/2009 16:27

Why should I have to live with shitty boxers all over the floor? If he wants to live like a fucking pig he can go and sleep in the shed.

I can't be doing with untidyness lazy bastards childish blokes piss me right off.

-It sounds like you despise him. It doesn't sound you like him very much any more. In throwing his clothes away, you are expressing a lot more about the way you feel towards him than just his 'shitty boxers'.

dittany · 08/03/2009 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyEllensmummy · 08/03/2009 17:06

You say "im going to throw your stuff away if you don't stop leaving it all over the floor" to a child, not an adult. I am a messy cow, bet my dp gets tired of my shit everywhere - if he threw my stuff away, i'd leave him.

Coldtits · 08/03/2009 17:15

And what if you've hinted, asked, pleaded, demanded and BEGGED that shitty pants are not left on the floor for you to pick up? What then? If he's still not picking his pants up, you have a choice of pick them up and wash them, or leave him. On the one hand, who could bear to say they left the father of the children because he wouldn't pick his pants up - on the other hand, who could bear to be forced into the role of skivvy simply because the other person in the relationship will not keep his side of the bargain?

What do you do?

NOT all people listen, nod, smile, reply "I'm sorry, darling, I can see you're hurt, and I will endeavor to behave with more respect". Some people will reply "Yeah. Ok. Tomorrow then" and it never gets done - leaving you to live with it, do it yourself or leave.

I agree with Dittany on this. Violethill, mouldy plates in ANOTHER room are completely different to shitty pants in MY room, and FWIW when exp ran out of pants because they were all over the floor, he simply stopped wearing pants. Some p[eople are not reasonable and adult. We have to deal with them as best we can.

FAQinglovely · 08/03/2009 17:16

haven't read the thread but you threw his clothes away??

I threaten to throw my DS's thing away if they don't look after them, and indeed they do "disappear" if they continue not to listen......however even with their stuff I don't actually get rid of it, it stays "hidden" for a period of time and then magicallly appears back where it used to belong.

I would never even contemplate threatning another adult with something like this - let alone do it! (and I'm crap at communication in geneneral)

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 08/03/2009 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

violethill · 08/03/2009 17:27

You seem to be very good at telling other people what their relationships are like Dittany!

I stand by my comments: I think throwing another adult's belongings away is an appalling way to behave, and quite frankly if this is what the OP's relationship has come to, it begs the question of why they ever got together!

No one has the 'perfect' relationship. But it astounds me how many people don't even seem to start from the point of treating each other as an adult!

SnowlightMcKenzie · 08/03/2009 17:29

He isn't treating you as a skivvy! I'd place a bet he couldn't care less whether you picked them up or not. Eventually when he realises he has no clean clothes (after re-using probably) they'd be likely to end up in the washing.

If you don't want them on your bedroom floor, moving into another room or asking him to would be the grown up way of handling it, and an active and mature 'effect' of the behaviour that you don't like.

peachyfox · 08/03/2009 18:15

I think you should only give an ultimatum you can reasonably see through if necessary.

People's attitude to tidiness is fully formed way before we have to deal with them, and it's hard to change someone when they don't see the problem.

But its still only a few pairs of pants, can't you just scream and shout and use emotional blackmail like I do?

Er, why would separate bedrooms be more grown-up No need to cut off your nose to spite your face surely!

ConnorTraceptive · 08/03/2009 18:25

Dh does this alot and it drives me mad, but I wouldn't throw stuff out. I generally just kick it all into the bottom of his wardrobe and ignore it, I'm very much out of sight out of mind.

SnowlightMcKenzie · 08/03/2009 21:33

Not seperate bedrooms in a huffy way, just in a 'so I don't have to look at your mess' way, - but then, I might be a bit biased on the seperate bedroom thing and look for any opportunity. DD is 6 months and doesn't sleep through the night IMO because she stirs which makes DH stir and turn onto his back, which makes hims snore and then wakes DD completely, and then I have to feed her .

mumeeee · 08/03/2009 22:00

YABU to throw his clothes out.

gagamama · 09/03/2009 12:20

Surely you could see this coming though? Even if your tactic had worked, the clothes that had already been thrown away weren't going to reappear, were they? By all means treat the clothes 'like' rubbish (eg. put them in a sack in the garden or something for him to deal with when he decides to wash them) but now he needs new clothes so still won't have done any washing. It doesn't really help your cause.

Buy him some new underwear and a packet of Persil and tell him that's your lot as far as providing clean undergarments are concerned.

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