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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about my MIL insensitive comments regarding my brother and SIL grief?

45 replies

Dragonfly74 · 07/03/2009 20:50

Its almost a year since my brother and SIL dd was born sleeping at 39 weeks. My brother called me today to let me know that on the anniversary they are going to release some balloons and asked if me DH and our DC would like to join them.

I think its a lovely idea, after all she is always going to be their daughter and part of our family no matter what, We always talk about her as we were and still are heartbroken over the loss of a much wanted and loved baby.

MIL was at our house when my brother called and after the phone conversation had ended she asked what we had been talking about.

When I told her she said "Well I think thats morbid and don't you think its time they started to get over it and get on with their lives".

I had to walk out of the room and let DH deal with her. I don't think this is morbid at all but maybe i'm wrong? I don't think i'm being unreasonable, regardless of what MIL thinks my neice existed and we won't ever forget her

OP posts:
Habbibu · 07/03/2009 20:53

No, it's not morbid in the slightest, but it's a sadly not uncommon reaction - people don't understand what it's like to lose a child, and dismiss it horribly.

Just avoid the conversation with your MIL - it's essentially none of her business. I'm so sorry for the loss of your wee niece. The first anniversary is hard, but it does get easier to live with, and you will never ever forget her.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/03/2009 20:55

YANBU but people can be remarkably stupid in their comments.

My mother told me that she wouldn't have been as upset as I was when I lost a baby. She'd have "just got on with it". Apparently.

You just need to do what you and your brother and SIL want to do.

Ronaldinhio · 07/03/2009 20:55

I think that she said what many, many people from earlier generations think and say.

Perhaps you should have spoken to her quietly and explained why you are doing it and how her statement made you feel

I'm sure she isn't an evil woman just unthinking

edam · 07/03/2009 21:03

Ronald's right, it's a generational difference. Our grandmothers or mothers (depending on your age) were told to just get on with things. They weren't allowed to bury stillborn babies, just sent away from hospital and told not to think about it but get on and have another one. Your MIL is being a bit insensitive but their generation was taught to have a stiff upper lip and not give in to your feelings.

(I don't want to add to your problems, but perhaps you haven't heard that releasing balloons is really not good at all for the environment or wildlife? see this Maybe you could think about an alternative?)

Kimi · 07/03/2009 21:04

Oh I am so sorry for the loss of your niece,
I am also sorry you are landed with a stupid and thoughtless mother in law.

My FIL died 7 years ago and we still let balloons go on his birthday and the anniversary of his death.

MumGoneCrazy · 07/03/2009 21:05

I think your MIL was being rather rude and insensitive i think releasing balloons is a lovely idea

My cousin gave birth 3 n a half months early bout 4yrs ago the baby lived for 4months then died, because he had so many heart and lung problems a yr after burying him she found out she was pregnant again but at 30wks they discovered the babys heart had stopped, after giving birth she buried her baby boy with his brother and on the annversarys of their deaths she goes to see them with teddies and balloons it helps her and is in no way morbid.

Wether its a stillborn, or you had your baby for a few days weeks months or even 30yrs that baby is still your baby and still family why shouldnt they be remembered

Habbibu · 07/03/2009 21:24

My mother and MIL don't have this attitude, I'm glad to say - it's not representative of all their generation, believe me.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 07/03/2009 21:30

Thanks everyone, I just can't for the life of me understand how someone can imagine you can ever get over the loss of a child.

She wasn't even my baby and its still so painful, I can't begin to understand my brother and SIL's pain.

OP posts:
MaryBS · 07/03/2009 21:32

No you're not wrong, but I agree it IS a generational thing.

Go and support your brother, I hope its a sunny day with a wind to carry the balloons for miles... RIP little one

chipmonkey · 07/03/2009 21:34

Dragonfly, your MIL sounds like mine. She was cruelly insensitive after my Dad died. It possibly is a generational thing but not right all the same.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 07/03/2009 21:39

MIL is notoriously insensitive but I would have thought where she lacks sensitivity she could have used a little common sense!!

OP posts:
Habbibu · 07/03/2009 21:41

Lack of sensitivity and lack of common sense often go hand in hand, I've found.

MamaHobgoblin · 07/03/2009 21:54

Lack of imagination - not just a generational thing, I think.
That said, some people do have huge problems talking about stillborn babies and just don't know how to react. Could you talk to her about how strongly you all feel about your niece?

Portofino · 07/03/2009 22:00

Is this really generational? My mum died when she was 21 - far from being a baby and I am certain that my nan has NEVER got over losing her child. Not even 35 years on.

MadamDeathstare · 07/03/2009 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chegirl · 07/03/2009 22:03

I dont think age or anything is an excuse for this awful attitude.

I talk about my DD all the time, I let off balloons on her birthday and anniversaries and I buy her a cake and put fairy lights on her flippin urn at christmas!

Just anyone tell me I am morbid.

I am sorry about your neice. I hope they manage to get through the day as best they can.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/03/2009 22:03

Portofino, I think it's because it's a stillborn baby rather than a "real person" iyswim. Certainly my mother explained her remarks by saying she wouldn't expect someone to get sentimental about an unborn baby - it's when it's born that bonding takes place. I found that rather hard to believe.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 07/03/2009 22:08

chegirl Sorry for your loss, Those are all lovely things that you do for your DD.

My brother and SIL sometimes apologise for talking about their DD and I tell them not to, After all they are her Mummy and Daddy even though she isn't here.

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 07/03/2009 22:11

portofino
I meant a different generational reaction to stillbirth and miscarriage.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 07/03/2009 22:12

every mother i've talked to had "bonded" with their baby from the very start, ie finding out they were pregnant, seeing the scan pictures, feeling the first kicks, getting to know their rhythm of active times and sleepy times inside you, feeling their hiccups, listening to music together, stroking talking singing to their bumps..... that baby is real, loved, dreamed about, named.... all before they are born. I find it so sad when people dismiss it as less "meaningful" than the loss of someone who spent longer here with us.
Its not morbid of course its not. I think its a lovely thought to do something to remember and try to release a little of the pain.

CKelpie · 07/03/2009 22:14

I don't think YABU, I know that grief effects different people in different ways so by that rationale, your MIL was not being unreasonable either, by her own standards.

Personally, I think that recognising the loss of a child is reasonable but that if some kind of resolution/closure is not found eventually then perhaps professional counselling might be called for in order to 'move on'.
But circumstances are unique and individual.
Everyone acknowleges anniversaries of birth, live events and death, it's so very personal that no-one else can really comment.

chegirl · 07/03/2009 22:17

dragonfly how sad they feel they should apoligise. How nice that you are sensitive enough to tell them its fine.

My DD was 14 when she died. I do not think my grief is 'worse' or I have more right to be devastated than your brother and SIL. They have lost their child. Its the worst thing ever.

I wish them strength and offer my sincere sympathy.

5inthebed · 07/03/2009 22:47

dragonfly I think your MIL was being a bit insensitive and probably speaking before she though about what she said. I do think its a generation thing as well.

My sister has just had a miscarriage this week, and was telling her daughter's friend's grandmother about it. This woman then commented to my sister "That'll teach you to stay away from bad boys" She barely knows my sister and her fiance. It was a very odd and thoughtless comment to make.

Chegirl I think that is lovely what you do for your daughter, especially the fairy lights on her urn.

Portofino · 07/03/2009 22:48

I suppose what i meant is that we presume that former generations were more "hardened" to these things. Actually I don't think they were - at least not since the turn of the century. In the 20th/21st century we do not expect our children to die bfore we do. Before that, maybe it was a real expectation....

Ronaldinhio · 07/03/2009 23:20

Portofino, I was talking about my experience of dealing with older generations attitude to and general insensitivity around the issue of stillbirth and miscarriage. Not their feelings toward the death of their children.
In my experience people from a generation or two back have a much harder or, in the face of it, more matter of fact attitude to sb or mc. I think often their experience was that it was something to move on from as though it had never happened and never speak of it, dwell upon it certainly never celebrate or mourn the lost child or children in anyway.
My point was that coming from that generation you are not always the most sensitive or pc for that matter but that it doesn't mean that it is said with malicious or cruel content.

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