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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry about my MIL insensitive comments regarding my brother and SIL grief?

45 replies

Dragonfly74 · 07/03/2009 20:50

Its almost a year since my brother and SIL dd was born sleeping at 39 weeks. My brother called me today to let me know that on the anniversary they are going to release some balloons and asked if me DH and our DC would like to join them.

I think its a lovely idea, after all she is always going to be their daughter and part of our family no matter what, We always talk about her as we were and still are heartbroken over the loss of a much wanted and loved baby.

MIL was at our house when my brother called and after the phone conversation had ended she asked what we had been talking about.

When I told her she said "Well I think thats morbid and don't you think its time they started to get over it and get on with their lives".

I had to walk out of the room and let DH deal with her. I don't think this is morbid at all but maybe i'm wrong? I don't think i'm being unreasonable, regardless of what MIL thinks my neice existed and we won't ever forget her

OP posts:

chegirl · 07/03/2009 23:22

There is no closure. There is no moving on. I am not terminally depressed or 'stuck'. There is nowhere to move on to.

This is not an angry post BTW. Its hard to get emotions across in posts and I dont want to use a silly smiley thing.

jellybeans · 07/03/2009 23:24

I have lost 2 baby girls who were sadly stillborn. I will always remember them. I think the tribute sounds lovely and think it's lovely that you want to be part of this and remember the little one. One thing i have learned though is that unless someone has been through this the majority of people have no clue. There are a few sensitive people but much ignorance. Your MIL sounds very ignorant. YANBU.

Ronaldinhio · 07/03/2009 23:31

che, I'm sorry for your loss and what you do sounds wonderful. Please don't think otherwise
I'm not saying that any of this is my opinion just that older women often say insensitive things around mc and sb because they literally know no better.
When I miscarried my grandmother immediately said "ah, sure you're young, you'll have plenty more. There's a reason for these things" and moved on as though I'd passed her a cup of tea...very hurtful but she really thought it was for the best and could see no good in "dwelling" on it.
Not mho at all

jellybeans · 07/03/2009 23:44

An older relative of mine said, while it was clear I was in labour at just 20 weeks, 'oh well it's not as bad for you as you have other kids,'. This is a much loved older relative but she is generally very tactless!

Uriel · 07/03/2009 23:45

Dragonfly, not morbid at all. Sorry for your loss.

If you don't want to release balloons what about flying lanterns?

chipmonkey · 07/03/2009 23:47

Oh chegirl, of course there is no "closure" I really hate that word! It suggests that our lives need to be compartmentalised and diminishes the very real need to grieve. Your daughter was, is and always will be a part of your life, even though her own life was so cruelly short. As for "moving on", we all have to "move on" in a way as we can't just stop but I don't think that you can move on and leave your daughter behind. You can move on and carry her with you but you can't leave her behind. How could you?

chegirl · 07/03/2009 23:53

Rohaldino I had this when I had a mc too. I was working in a hospital and I was friendly with a lot of the domestics (as they were called then). When they heard about my mc they said stuff like 'you been out dancing then?', 'what did you do to bring that on' etc. They were lovely women but I have to say that shook me a bit.

Uriel I ordered some lanterns for DDs first anniversary. I know lots of people let them off and they are beautiful. Unfortunately I didnt realise the ones I bought were HUGE and didnt take into account that I live in the built up East End . The resulting chaos and terror of setting light to neigbours houses, telephone wires, next door's staffie etc bought much needed hilarity to a tense moment! I have this image of DS1 frantically chasing the one we managed to let off to stop it drifting into next door's roof! All night I was listening out for sirens incase it had caused some awful accident.

So make if anyone gets any they are little and you let them off somewhere open.

chegirl · 07/03/2009 23:55

chipmunk EXACTLY.

chipmonkey · 07/03/2009 23:55

Uriel, I think the balloon-releasing has already been decided and possibly not a good idea to suggest to Dragonfly's brother and SIL now that it's not a good idea as it sounds like it's already been arranged? But possibly a suggestion for next year, Dragonfly? The lanterns do look lovely!

AlexanderPandasmum · 07/03/2009 23:55

I also release balloons for my DS on his birthday and bake him a cake (he was stillborn and would have been 3 last September). I think it's normal and am that people sometimes think it is morbid. They will always be your child. You want to acknowledge their birthday - despite the fact that they are gone they are remembered every single day. It's the very fact that so many people deny them that makes you wish to acknowledge them more.

I think there will always be clueless people out there who do not understand and often it's an age thing as in the past babies were often taken away at birth if they were stillborn and sometimes not even given a burial.

To the OP - you sound like a lovely sister and SIL to have around and I bet your DB and DSIL are grateful to have one like you .

Uriel · 07/03/2009 23:59

chegirl - I'd wondered about how safe they are...but they're so beautiful.
Perhaps you're supposed to go to an open space to let them go?

Uriel · 08/03/2009 00:00

chipmonkey - I only mentioned it because edam said about the balloons - fifth post in.

chipmonkey · 08/03/2009 00:01

Oh dear, cross-posted with chegirls post about the mammoth-lanterns!
Chegirl, I think when someone dies, the inadvertently funny things that happen really help, don't they? I have never lost a child but my lovely Dad died a few years ago. My ds2 was only 3 and amidst the tears, some of the things he said had us in stitches. Particularly:
"Grandad's in Heaven. And when you're in heaven, you can't get out!"

chipmonkey · 08/03/2009 00:05

I know, Uriel. I wasn't saying it was a bad idea, just that if balloons have all been sorted, now might not be the best time to go on about the environment.

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 08/03/2009 10:35

Thankyou for all of your kind words.

Uriel Thankyou, the lanterns are a lovely idea and maybe something I could suggest for next year but they have already arranged for the balloons for this anniversary.

OP posts:

gardeningmum05 · 08/03/2009 10:43

its 4 years since our daughter died aged 13 days to sudden infant death syndrome and it would of been her 4th birthday this week, and only my auntie rang me. my sister sent a text, a bloody text, 2 minutes of thought sitting at traffic lights!
time does heal, but people just dont understand if they havent been through it. your neice is still part of the family and your brother and his wife deserve her to be remembered on her birthday and every day, because, believe me, they think of her every single second of every day if its only been a year.

lottiejenkins · 08/03/2009 10:56

I lost my first son when he was two hours old, last Sunday i was asked by a vicar to contribute some thoughts about losing a child and my thoughts and those of Shabs on the bereaved mums thread were read out on Radio 2. We said that you never forget and never get over it. I cant beileve your MIL was so insensitive!

orangehead · 08/03/2009 11:03

Not at all morbid, its a lovely idea. Please ignore mil. I hope it all goes well

gardeningmum05 · 08/03/2009 11:27

about 6 months after my daughter died, my mil rang to complain i hadnt rang her. her exaxt words were "doesnt she realise i have lost a grand-daughter" hows that for tact!

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 11:38

I think that it is a lovely idea but your MIL is from a different generation and that isn't the way they did it. They never mentioned it. My great aunt and uncle had no DCS, I was well into my 20's before I found out they had a still birth and couldn't have more DCs-there was no way I could have discussed it with them. I am doing the family history and my father's cousin thinks he had an older sister who died before he was born and wants me to find out. People didn't talk about it so I wouldn't judge her too harshly.

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