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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset/angry with DH for telling me how to spend 'our' money?

37 replies

dingledangle · 07/03/2009 15:23

I have ordered some items of the internet for my DD to make various Easter related items over the easter weekend (coloured eggs/easter hats/bunnies etc). When I mentioned this to my husband today he told me that we 'cannot afford these things and I need to be careful what i spend our money on'.

I am a SAHM and have been since the birth of my DD (we now have two children) in total 4 years. DH has always told me that his salary is 'our' money' and that I earn half of this as I am at home looking after the chilren full time.

I was really cross as some of the things I have ordered can be used again next year. I admit they are not essential but it was more his reaction that suprised me. It is not as if I went a bought myself some clothes or anything like that. (At the moment I am wearing a pair of maternity trousers (I am not pregnant or over weight!) a reduced price top pre birth of daughter and reduced price shoes.)

I am just wondering whether it is time to get back to PAID work and earn my 'own' money to spend as I please. I am so cross! AIBU?

OP posts:
SmallShips · 07/03/2009 15:25

Can you afford them though?

twinsetandpearls · 07/03/2009 15:29

Perhaps you cannot afford them.

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 15:29

Yes we can afford them. I think it was more a statement of 'how essential are they'

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 07/03/2009 15:31

Well he sounds like he was a bit charmless about it but the recession is biting and he must be worried about your family finances. It may well be the time to get some paid work if you can work out affordable childcare. I don't go for the 'my money your money' thing though - but if you contribute to the pot you might feel that is less of an issue. Do you run the family budget together? Again it can be disempowering if you leave it all to DH. YABatinybitU but I can see that you were just trying to do something lovely for your DD!

SmallShips · 07/03/2009 15:32

Why don't you go out and buy yourself some new clothes instead of buying easter tat? You can make easter stuff at home for free using paper and eggs.

wannaBe · 07/03/2009 15:34

IMO it's not about whose money it is - it's about whether you can afford to spend the money on things that aren't really necessary.

Your dh isn't saying that it's his money, he's saying that you can't afford to spend money on unnecessary items, and this would be the case regardless of who had earned it. Presumably he's not out every night spending the money on things for himself while he tells you you can't spend money is he?

If money is tight then he has every right to say that you shouldn't be spending money you (as a couple) can't afford, in the same way as you would have the right to tell him he couldn't afford to spend money.

So yes I think yabu.

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 15:35

Good suggestions SmallShips Sparkletastic I run the household budget with electricity, food, TV Licence etc. I agree the recession may be freaking him out a bit.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 07/03/2009 15:37

I don't go for the my money your money thing either - it's all mine!

Seriously though, I am a sahm and dh earns the money and it is our money. And if I went back to work what I earned would still be our money. but if we were struggling financially and one or the other was buying worthless tat then I think that either would be well within their rights to point out that it was a waste of money.

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 15:50

*wannaBe I agree about if we both earned it would be our money etc. But it was like being spoken to by a parent! Also what one person thinks is tat another thinks is not. Especially as these items were with the kids in mind.

I can remember some of the 'tat' I made as a kid. Can anyone else?

OP posts:
ConnieComplaint · 07/03/2009 15:51

Your dh didn't say it was his money, you say he said our money, which is positive.

Some men tend to think the money they earn is theirs alone! I didn't work for 5 years & during this time I never felt like I wasn't 'allowed' to spend the money dh earned...'our money'.

I know you say you can afford it, but maybe dh is thinking of the future? I used to work with a woman who was reckless with money... I'll give you a couple of examples.. she bought a £50 handbag then told her dh she lost the cash...

Her dh once got a bank loan to buy a car but before he saw a car her fancied she had withdrawn half of the cash to buy her dd some designer trainers & her son a toy tractor with a remote control, because 'they wanted them'. She also bought herself a pair of shoes & jewellery.... now when her dh called her at work (I sat right beside her so I knew all the details, not because I was eavesdropping, but because she told us all!)she said she had a right to spend the cash... he said no she hadn't as it was for a car, a loan took out in his name & she had stolen the money.

Anyway I don't think the story above has any relevance to you!! But just an example of how spending 'a little bit' of money here & there on things we don't need can get out of hand.

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 15:54

It is not that kind of spending! But appreciate the sentiment.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/03/2009 15:56

Er.......child benefit money? Where does that go then? On your child I pressume.

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 15:58

child benefit goes in to a savings account for each child!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 07/03/2009 15:58

thing is, if you have the money there it's easy to be complacent and spend without thinking about it iyswim. I know I've been guilty of that - going to the shops and buying things without actually checking that the money is there to buy them because I know that it is, and so I end up spending money on things that, although we can afford them, we certainly don't need them.

So perhaps that is where your dh is coming from?

foxinsocks · 07/03/2009 15:58

tbh, I think everyone is nervy about money at the moment.

I don't know what sort of industry your dh works in but I have seen people in tears on the train twice in the last month (and have heard them on the phone saying they've been made redundant), it's happened to several friends of ours and it does tend to affect you.

If it is out of character, I wouldn't get too upset about it but perhaps have a nice chat over a glass of wine about how things are going at work, what the future holds etc.

It may be that he's feeling the pressure of being the bread winner when jobs are disappearing and the economy is going down the toilet!

(or he may just have decided to be a bit of a twat )

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 16:02

Everyone has been so lovely with their replies.......I feel like a complete B***d now towards DH.

He is not normally this tetchy about money, so perhaps it is the economy etc that is making him nervous.

I thought it was a bit of a sad thread but wanted to get other/s perspective/s......

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 07/03/2009 16:30

I don't think your reaction was out of order at all. It's impossible to mind read all the time and quite often, comments are spoken with a whole background of thoughts that haven't been shared!

The important thing is that it's out of character which is probably why it shocked you.

Acinonyx · 07/03/2009 16:37

It's very hard to agree on how every pennyis spent. Dh and I have abudget and in theory we know exactly how much money is avaiable and have allocated x amounts (after all bills etc) to each of us seperately and to dd. Having amounts allocated to each of us independently does stop any such rolling of eyes if I spend all mine in baby gap (I can't seem to help myself - all charity shop stuff for me though) and dh buys bizarre CDs that he only listens to once.

I must say x has got smaller this year, sadly.

violethill · 07/03/2009 18:28

If he's worried about money, then it's entirely reasonable to question spending on unecessary things.

Actually, I think the YABU not so much as your reaction to what your DH said, but in your final point that although your DH says talks about it is as 'our' money, and seems entirely reasonable about it, you assume that if YOU start doing paid work, it'll be 'your' money to spend as you like!

Double standards there! If you want it to be joint funds, then joint funds it is, whether he, you or the two of you work. If you want separate funds, earn your own and keep your money separate.

The key issue though is what you can afford. If you want to buy things that are unaffordable on the income your DH brings in, then yes, it's time to get yourself back to work.

violethill · 07/03/2009 18:29

Goodness what's happened to my typing today!

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 18:36

Good point violethill about the double standard if I went back to work and spend what I earned!

I just dislike feeling like I am being judged on what I spend money on. DH is never like this with money, although now I think on it there are books that he buys that if it is 'our' money then perhaps I should judge those purchases! However I never do as I always see that he earns the money, not me (despite his argument that I do as I am at home looking after children!)

Like the idea of an allocated amount each month to minimise this happening Acinonyx

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/03/2009 18:44

Think your DH could certainly have phrased it better but as the sole wage-earner in my house, even in a relatively safe job, I'm more worried than I was about what we'd do if the worst happened. (I'm actually slightly more worried about the possibility of having to make some of my team redundant - not that that is even remotely on the cards - but I would just hate myself if I had to do it).

Anyway, that aside, I don't like to criticise my DH for spending on things that I think are daft (more gadgets for him than things for ds, incidentally) but we have agreed that when I have time (that'll be never then) I'll set up a budget properly so we each have some discretionary dosh to spend on things either for ourselves or for treats for ds, I guess.

Ronaldinhio · 07/03/2009 18:53

Puts on flameproof jacket

I'd go spare if I was working/worrying and my husband spent money on Easter tat we didn't need.

I know that different arrangements suit different families but I've never thought that what I earn is "our" money. Only mine.
What he earns is his.
We split the costs of childcare etc.
Crap arrangement really but I'd really be cross if he spent "our" money on non essentials without discussing it.

Sounds as though he was very mild in his response therefore yabu in my badly fiscally organised book

Original poster
dingledangle · 07/03/2009 18:56

Honest post thanks!

OP posts:
Uriel · 07/03/2009 19:03

How much did you spend?