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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off at dh for cancelling dinner party because..........

26 replies

MummyAnnabella · 07/03/2009 14:57

a relative has died. is an uncle by marriage who dh was not close to and only saw at weddings and funerals. he didnt even particularly like him while he was alive. funeral isnt to tuesday

in fact the death isnt even the reason he cancelled but because i went out to do the food shop and asked him to hoover while i was out. i then went and spent over £100 on food etc and came home to find he hadnt lifted a finger and then phoned the 2 couples to cancel. i said why do that all cleaning done (by me) except floors and all food bought and he said "its just easier".

now i specifically asked him this morning if he was happy to go ahead as i left to do food shop and he said yes.

would you not be annoyed??????????

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 07/03/2009 14:59

I wouldn't be annoyed I would be livid!

bellavita · 07/03/2009 15:00

me too onadiet!

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 07/03/2009 15:01

I would be annoyed only because he hadn't told me he wasn't up to it before I went and did the shopping.

Whatever the reason he doesn't want to do the dinner party - I seriously doubt it's cos he can't be arsed to clean a floor.

pagwatch · 07/03/2009 15:01

I would not be annoyed i would be livid. What a twat. I would phone and re-invite and apologise for lack of hoovering but explain that DH is grieving through the medium of dirt

pagwatch · 07/03/2009 15:02

ooeerrr
onadietcokebreak.
Jinx

GossipMonger · 07/03/2009 15:04

Would be furious to have spent £100 first and then be told the dinner party was off!!

What has he said since? does he know you are cross?

BadSister · 07/03/2009 15:04

He is being a twat.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 07/03/2009 15:11

pagwatch - thanks for making me smile on a v unhappy day!

am so glad and relieved you think he is twat too. he knows i am cross but is trying to make me feel bad by going on about him being dead etc. this morning he was quite clear we were going ahead and it wasnt an issue then.

laurie - you do not know how averse to house work the lazy shit is. we had one couple last sat for casual tea and i did all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, clearing up while looking after 2 children under 2 so he could play football in the aftrenoon!!

i am livid and just want him to go out somewhere as i cant bear to even look at him!!

OP posts:
GossipMonger · 07/03/2009 15:12

I think you should go out for a coffee and leave him to the children etc

for you.

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 07/03/2009 15:12

Have to agree with LaurieFairy - this has to be about looking for an excuse to cancel something he did not want to do.

Is there a reason why he felt he could not tell you the truth about what is really behind this?

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 07/03/2009 15:21

he has been moaning about doing it in the first place but can i point out all 4 guests are his friends and he was the one who planned it. dont know why he moans as he doesnt have to do anything as i do it all. when we then do something like this then he enjoys it and says oh yeah after all it went well.

god i dont know what is wrong with him. when we met he was v sociable but now he just moans and is so negative. like i have arraged for a night out with some of my friends next month and all their husbands are coming too for a change. told dh and he has moaned so much already about having to go. is it not fair enough to expect a little effort from him - we only go out about once every few months?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 07/03/2009 15:25

Is he depressed or stressed - sounds like he has undergone a personality change and that can't be due to the death of his uncle surely?

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 07/03/2009 15:27

no nothing to do with uncle death has been unsociable for about 4 years since we got married - will only do stuff with his mates and he only has about 2!!

wondered re depression. he smokes dope a lot though he is 40 and i always wonder if there is a connection.

OP posts:
Helen31 · 07/03/2009 18:30

YANBU - this is totally out of order, and made worse that he is obviously using the uncle's death as an excuse.

Not aware of a link between cannabis and depression, but Frank does say there is a link between the regular use of cannabis and an increase in the risk of later developing psychotic illnesses including schizophrenia.

DollyMessiter · 07/03/2009 18:34

Perhaps he is depressed.
Perhaps he is bone idle.
Perhaps it is a mixture of the two.

Whatever it is, you need to get him to address it, because he is a grown up, and needs to pull his weight in your relationship.

Not enjoying housework is NOT an excuse to get out of doing it, or most of us would be up to our eyeballs in dust and crap.

You sound far more tolerant that I would be.

DollyMessiter · 07/03/2009 18:34

Oh, and I'd be making reservations at a local restaurant or pub, and meeting the friends without him.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 07/03/2009 18:55

dolly - you are so right about all of that. esp me being too tolerant - a friend has just been round and she is always telling me i am too soft. but what do you do - have rows about every little thing?

i tend to let a lot of stuff go but keeping the peace means there is a lot simmering sometimes. how can you change someone? i reeally dont want to become a nag. it is so funny as in all other areas of my life i am so assertive but at home sometimes i just keep quiet to keep the peace as i dont want him to lose his temper.

OP posts:
DollyMessiter · 07/03/2009 19:04

Perhaps you could suggest you both go to see his GP if you suspect he is depressed?
It is unfair that you have to subdue your own needs because of his temper.

It's tricky, I know - and oh so easy to advise on the internet.
I wish you both well.

Helen31 · 07/03/2009 19:05

to hear that MummyAnnabella. That's not a good way to be feeling. Could you open up a conversation over cup of tea/glass of wine in a non-confrontational way to explain that you're worried about him and how his behaviour is impacting on you, and want to see whether there is anything that the two of you can do to make things better? People can change, but they need to acknowledge that they need to first.

GossipMonger · 07/03/2009 19:21

He needs to knock the dope on the head as well.

That is something I would never tolerate esp now he is a father.

pamelat · 07/03/2009 19:24

I would re invite people and tell DH to go to bed, but then I am unreasonable

In all seriousness, he is out of order. We once had a huge huge row on the afternoon of a dinner party which ended up with us both crying and me saying "I dont want anyone to come round". He threatened to cancel everyone but after 5 minutes I realised how rude that is (without a real reason) and instead we made up and even told our guests later that they were almost "cancelled" (after spending £'s on food). Close friends though.

Am assuming dinner party was tonight?

JazzHands · 07/03/2009 19:30

Aha. It's cos he's stoned then.

I had an ex who used to come home and say "if you have anything you would like to talk about better do it now because I will be stoned soon".

The relationship didn't last!

He just can't be arsed and is being unsociable because of that.

Oh and YANBU to be utterly fucked off.

Original poster
MummyAnnabella · 07/03/2009 19:59

yes i agree re dope and asked him to stop when we got married and asked again when we had kids. he just ignores that.

helen - you are so right but he doesnt think he needs to change so we cant get anywhere.

OP posts:
nametaken · 07/03/2009 20:04

Next time he invites his mates round for a dinner party let him do all the work. Shopping cooking etc etc. Take a back seat.

JazzHands · 07/03/2009 20:24

I think you need to find a way to approach the smoking thing.

Maybe see if you can get him to agree that he won't on days when you have things planned. If he often puts things off/cancels things you had planned as all he wants to do is mooch around the house then he won't really be able to argue otherwise.

Ask him just to try it for the next time you have plans and see how it goes.

The ex I was talking about once got in a total panic because he lost the provisions he had to go on holiday, and as we were on holiday he couldn't get any more. It really is insiduous. he still smokes loads - it's his lifestyle.

But I think you need to tell your OH that as a start he needs to not do it when you have plans as it ruins them. I mean he can always have had a drink tonight instead for chrissake, or a smoke after they had left...