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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that arranging transport to softplay centre for dd's birthday guests is not my problem?

45 replies

swanriver · 06/03/2009 22:53

Dd is going to be 7 (yr 2). Her party is after school at a softplay area 15 mins drive away which is a very popular venue for many parents at our school. We have had to book on a weekday, but I have attended two parties at a similar time at this venue before. Two parents have approached me asking me to drive their daughter, because they work. Should I be organising lifts for them, (I can't fit them in my car) or is it THEIR job to ask other mothers? I can only fit 5 people in my car, and my family IS five persons (dh and 3 dcs) I feel slightly put out that they are expecting me organise the transport, although happy to tell them who else is invited. I have tentatively asked other mothers if they mind taking an extra child, but feel a bit embarrassed and bossy to do this, and feel it is parents' job not mine. I have always made my own arrangements in similar situations, or just not gone if it was too difficult...
AIBU?

OP posts:
2shoes · 06/03/2009 22:54

yanbu

Mummyfor3 · 06/03/2009 22:56

YA absolutely NBU

KingCanuteIAm · 06/03/2009 22:56

No, YANBU. Could it be that, because they are working, they don't really know the other mothers well enough to feel they can ask?

MollieO · 06/03/2009 22:56

No but then I wouldn't have a birthday party after school for that very reason - working parents who cannot be there to transport/look after their dcs. In that situation, as working mum, my ds would have to decline the invite.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 06/03/2009 22:57

I don't think it's bad to ask for a lift if it means the child otherwise can't attend. I'm not sure why you feel bossy about asking other parents to offer lifts, I'd be glad to help out if it was me.

MollieO · 06/03/2009 22:57

Completely agree with KingCanute. I wouldn't feel comfortable to ask other mums that I don't know to do a big favour for me.

Northernlurker · 06/03/2009 22:58

Well don't do it if it makes you feel awkward - but these are your children's friends and their parents need a hand and as you'll be speaking to them all when they rsvp it's not much to ask is it?

Tbh as a working non-driving mother - I can pretty much guarantee that they hate asking you more than you hate being asked!

LyraSilvertongue · 06/03/2009 22:59

YANBU.
DS2 has been invited to a party tomorrow (about 15 mins drive away) and I have made arrangements with the mother of another attendee to share the dropping off and picking up.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 06/03/2009 22:59

Its not a big favour, it's a lift. To a party. Just ask around.

ChippingIn · 06/03/2009 23:01

I guess it depends how they asked.... if they said 'DD would love to come, but unfortunately because I'm at work she wont be able to get there, is there any chance you have a spare seat in the car?/can you tell me who has been invited so I can see if someone can take her with them, I can pick her up at the end', then a reasonable request... but if it was kind of assumed you'd do it/organise it - then they are being rude (IMO ).

cat64 · 06/03/2009 23:04

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tigerdriver · 06/03/2009 23:04

YANBU but you could try to put some of the ones who will drive there with spare seats in touch with the non-drivers/working mums.

Can't think anyone would be offended or awkward.

I work FT but try to mix and match days off with parties, so sometimes I do lifts and sometimes someone else does.

Original poster
swanriver · 06/03/2009 23:06

You are right, I need to just word things tactfully. Just felt a bit cross that people assumed we had two cars, or a big car...and at being made to feel bad for organising a "Difficult" party, when dd especially asked for softplay party having had all her parties for last 4 years at home.
I will ask other mothers in a more general way whether they would be prepared to take an extra child, and that probably wouldn't be bossy.

OP posts:
Original poster
swanriver · 06/03/2009 23:11

ChippinIn, that's exactly it, I was just wrongfooted by the way they asked rather agressively. Need to just see it from their point of view.
Anyway off to bed now.

OP posts:
mm22bys · 07/03/2009 08:19

I think it should have been considered when you sent out invitations, 15 minutes drive on a weekday is not insignificant, people may not drive, or they may work, and I imagine it would be difficult for anyone to get there by public transport.

I think it's not inappropriate for you as the organiser of the party to be a central point of contact for the parents who can't get their dc there themselves - some parents will have spare capacity, and if they inform you then you can match up with anyone who needs a lift.

PuppyMonkey · 07/03/2009 08:23

Yep I agree with mm22bys I'm afraid. If it was a weekend, they make their own way there fair enough.

But after school at a location you have to drive to straight from school means that u should have put something clearly on the invitation saying how everyone is s'posed to get there.

Well, if you want anyone to come anyway.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/03/2009 08:29

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thirtypence · 07/03/2009 08:39

I have declined invitations for ds because they were at a time when I couldn't take him. I have made it clear that it is my availability that is the issue not ds's. Sometimes the problem has been solved and a lift found, other times not.

I have also taken other people's children to things if the parents couldn't.

piscesmoon · 07/03/2009 08:42

YANBU You have invited them-getting there is up to them. Even if you held it at your house they would have to get their DC there.If they can't do it they just have to turn down the invitation. All they need to do is ask another parent who is going-the worst they can say is 'no'.

Divineintervention · 07/03/2009 08:45

Whether a parent works or not is not your problem.
YANBU

Original poster
swanriver · 07/03/2009 08:50

I too had 3 dcs to drag around to parties, and did not drive so I know the score, but whilst asking for directions, would never expect host to drive me. Other parents yes, but not host.

OP posts:
cat64 · 07/03/2009 20:25

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pointydog · 07/03/2009 20:31

just say sorry you can't do it.

It is a shame, though, when the timing of parties rules out working paretns.

pointydog · 07/03/2009 20:33

agre with northern - they will not like having to ask

hercules1 · 07/03/2009 20:36

I know noone in dd's class so would have no means of phoning anyone to ask for a lift in these circumstances. I would just have to decline.