To wish OH was a bit nicer when people congratulate us

[Queenoftheharpies]

I'm 15 weeks pg and the OH has been OK about it up to a couple of weeks ago. He's never particularly been looking forward to being a dad, but for the my sake and also his mum and dad who are desperate for grandchildren, we made the decision to start a family.

But the last couple of weeks, as I've started to actually look a bit pregnant, he's got really gloomy and frankly it's getting on my nerves. We've just seen a couple of mates who have only just found out about the baby. When they said "congratulations", as you would, he said something like "The jury's still out on whether it's congratulations or not".

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

If it was just a joke and he was secretly really happy about the baby, I wouldn't mind. But I've always known he hates babies, hates people who like babies, refuses to look at friends' baby pictures - he won't even give to children's charities!

I've settled into pregnancy now - stopped feeling sick, tits have finally stopped hurting but I'm not really that big, still mobile and got plenty of energy. I feel like we should be enjoying this time and he's ruining it by being on a massive downer.

I'm starting to wonder if it was a huge mistake to have a child with someone who really doesn't seem to want children, and feel guilty and selfish for going ahead when the poor kid might have to grow up with a dad who doesn't love it.

he hates babies?!

erm, i think his joke is either incredibly crass or his idea of trying to hide his fears

either way i think it is inappropriate

several things worry me in your post - why are you having a child for the sake of his parents?

how do you feel about the situation?

TBH, my alarm bells are ringing loud and clear

TBH I am worried for you as well. Although for some people pregnancy is hard in many ways its the easy bit. The hard bit, especially from a relationship point of view, really starts when the baby arrives.
What do you hope will happpen ?

Well it's a bit late now for second thoughts isn't it?

I think you need to tell him he is making you sad and then deal with the fall out. I think there is a chance he will tell you that he doesn't want the baby/is upset at the situation/feels trapped and scared - and hard as it will be for you to hear it I think you do need to articulate whats going on here.

You are going to be parents - which is a wonderful and scary thing. It is a mutual effort and you've both got to give a bit - sounds like he is willing to do that by the decisions he has already made.

The one thing that's certain is that he will love his child. Worry about how you are going to pick your way through this situation but don't worry about that! Have you had a 12 week scan - how did he react to that?

I don't have any experience to offer advice, but just wanted to give my support.

YANBU. If he is having a wobble about the whole thing, he needs to talk to you about it and not voice this, even jokingly, in public (have you talked to him since you got pregnant, how was he when he found out?).

As you said, he is an adult and he did make the decision.

Hopefully another MN will come on soon who has had a similar experience

You need to talk to him.

Before I had kids, I would be more interested in little puppies than other peoples kids.. Of course, my own is TOTALLY different.

But, I'm a mum... Dads will often take longer to bond with babies.

I'm being totally honest here (no offence meant, so please just take this for what it's worth) - I would feel pretty hard done to if I felt I was having kids for the sake of my parents.

How does HE feel having kids to please his parents? Was it his idea? Yours? joint?

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I've just announced a rather unplanned PG on my DH and he's been great about it. He would have been quite happy if we hadn't had kids, but we're soon going to have two under two and he couldn't make it any easier for me.

I hope you can talk to him.

You need to talk to him about this as bluntly as possible. He agreed to have a child and is now being petulant about it, of course you're upset!

It's a question of whether or not he can get over it.

Does he really hate babies/baby photos? Or is it lack of interest rather than hate.

Because I wouldn't say that either dh or I were particularly interested in babies before we had our own.

But his comment is incredibly crass and disappointing. And hurtful and unnecessary.

I would be concerned if I were you. I think it may be worthwhile having a serious discussion about how he is making you feel.

OMG - he said that to friends?

It's one thing to be apprehensive about having children, but quite another to so ugly about it...

YANBU

I've only found out since splitting with my husband that when a mutual friend took him out for a drink to celebrate my pregnancy he said he thought his life was over, and couldn't see being dad 'for long'.

It was true.

I hope you have friends and family to support you.

My husband always said he didn't want children, then we had a bit of a suprise, we now have 2 wonderful children and he says he wants 2 more!

Hopefully once your little one arrives he'll be the same and realise it's the most wonderful thing in the world.

YANBU. You do need to talk to him though, I'm sure you're a little scared of it all too, children do change your life anormously, perhaps tell him your fears giving him the chance to tell you his? Like Haribos said, it is totally different when they're your own and I'm sure once the little one arrives all will be fine. Tell him you really need his support, pregnancy can be tough but should be a time of sharing the happiness of what's to come. Are you close to his parents, are they being supportive?

Hope all goes well, most fathers I know said they weren't bothered about kids until they had one, now they're all big softies who talk about nothing else!

He's an only child, so if he doesn't have any children he'll be depriving his parents of grandchildren, as well as obviously depriving me.

The pregnancy was a conscious decision for both of us. As I said, I've always wanted kids, and he says that since he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, if that means having a baby then he'd do it.

I didn't have a scan at 12 weeks because I ended up having an emergency one at 9w - I showed him but it was just a blob then. He didn't seem quite so unhappy at that time - it's only quite recently that he's started being really gloomy about everything.

He refuses to go to any of the classes (because he doesn't want to have to meet other dads), but has offered to be at the birth.

I don't have any doubt that he'll do the right thing in terms of night feeds, nappy changes, the school run and so on. And that's an awful lot more than most women get.

Sorry, that last line should be "and that's an awful lot more than some women get"

My alarm bells are going as well, although I think there is hope that he may dislike babies in general, however will fall in love with his own. Also, lots people are not that taken with babies (me, for instance), but put up with them because they grow into children.
He may well be scared. Hope you did not only decide to have kids for the wider family. At the end of the day it is nothing to do with them.

Queenoftheharpies, your last post made me feel sad.
You and your child deserve much more than doing the right thing.

His fears/concerns need to be addressed, but not in this way. You need to know where you stand.

Oh dear. I'm afraid it does sound very much as though he feels that you pressured him into agreeing to have a baby when he really wasn't keen (and TBH it does sound like you put pressure on him), and it is actually not that unreasonable of him to be unhappy.
I think you do need to have a proper talk with him and listen to what he says (I do not mean that you should contemplate ending your pregnancy for his sake, of course, that would be the death of your relationship anyway). He may well transform into a loving dad once the baby is born - but he may decide he wants to walk away.

Could he be depressed generally? He sounds a bit like eeyore from your posts. It must be very spirit sapping and draining to have him being so negative about your pregnancy.

I think you should talk to him.

I agree its more than some women get but equally some women get OHs that are as excited as they are, attend all the scans and classes they can, seek out Dad networks etc etc
I hope you are able to talk to him about how this is making you feel. I hope that he changes once the baby arrives.

Actually I didn't put any pressure on him at all. My coming off the pill after the summer holiday was his idea. His exact words were -

"I know you'd never push it because you're not like that. But if you want a kid I think we should get on and do it as soon as possible".

But I think the reality is starting to bite.

Of course YANBU - you need to talk to him, I'm afraid. I would say 'When you say x, it makes me feel y' - keep it non-confrontational.

My DP was very unsure about it to - he said he wanted kids 'one day', but was very prevaricating about it...he fell in love and bonded with DS the moment he saw him, much faster than me.

Good luck!

I really have sympathy with the situation you're in - I've been in it too.

If men only reproduced when they felt ready we'd have died out.

I think lots of men feel very apprehensive about having a baby but it depends on their character how they express it.

I 'persuaded' my DP to go ahead with IVF (apparently I was like a little girl begging for a puppy...). He was NOT keen. When waiting to see if I was pg he said, when asked how he felt about it: "If there was a button I could press to make it not work, I wouldn't press it. If there was a button I could press to make it work, I would press it, but I would be thinking shit, why did I have to press that bloody button.."

Since then I've kept gently asking about his feelings, reassuring him I'll still be his lover and best friend not just a mum.

The situation may not look great now but if he has a chance to talk and feel he's heard, it may all work out perfectly.

Don't let him take a back seat when the baby's born - I'm not letting my mother stay because I want us to have to do it together, (added complication - we had to use donor sperm because of a hereditary disease hence the IVF) - I want him to bond early and not retreat into the safety of his books.

And lo! He has recently become a tummy-patter and talks about our future + baby. He seems quite happy, perhaps happier than before.

BUT YANBU, your husband was very ungallant to say what he did - don't let him get away with that.

Actually, for once I agree with SGB! [has to sit down, coming over faint with the shock emoticon!]It does sound as though he felt pressured into this situation. i appreciate you say you didn't pressure him, but sometimes pressure is more subtle than 'I want a baby and I want it to be yours' repeated ad nauseum. I am for you as there is nothing more special than to both be excited and looking forward to meeting your own child for the first time, but I do think he needs to be listened about this. I am sure that as you say, the reality of the responsibility is just beginning to bite and he sounds as though it is a big worry for him.

At least he's agreed to telling people!

I got pg (unplanned) and DH wasn't happy. When I was bleeding at 6weeks he actually said he was disappointed at the scan and there was a heartbeat. He would have been over the moon if I'd had an abortion. He refused to discuss the pregnancy much and didn't even tell his mother until I was 7 months pg.

By the time I was 7/8 months pg he'd got his head round it and started been excited. He was madly in love with DD as soon as she was born. I just think the whole idea of becoming a dad totally freaked him out.

We have talked about it quite a bit. He keeps telling me not to worry, and that it's not my fault. He is, as pooka suggests, a bit of an eeyore. I've even suggested mentioned that he should maybe mention it to the doctor if his mood doesn't improve, but he won't.

Had a huge cry last night so he's aware of how it's making me feel.

When I accidently fell pg with dd my dp told me have an abortion and he did not want to have children
this went on through the scans, antenatal classes etc and he had face liked smacked arse.

I packed his bags at 35 weeks and told him to either like it or lump it.

He stayed

DD was born, she is now 3 and he ADORES her, and so much so we are due our next dc in 2 weeks time (his idea to have another)

Sometimes I think it takes men until the baby arrives to come to terms with them.

I really hope the same happens with you, although it really is shit to deal with when you are pregnant.
Massive sympathies and hugs x