To wish OH was a bit nicer when people congratulate us

[Queenoftheharpies]

I'm 15 weeks pg and the OH has been OK about it up to a couple of weeks ago. He's never particularly been looking forward to being a dad, but for the my sake and also his mum and dad who are desperate for grandchildren, we made the decision to start a family.

But the last couple of weeks, as I've started to actually look a bit pregnant, he's got really gloomy and frankly it's getting on my nerves. We've just seen a couple of mates who have only just found out about the baby. When they said "congratulations", as you would, he said something like "The jury's still out on whether it's congratulations or not".

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

If it was just a joke and he was secretly really happy about the baby, I wouldn't mind. But I've always known he hates babies, hates people who like babies, refuses to look at friends' baby pictures - he won't even give to children's charities!

I've settled into pregnancy now - stopped feeling sick, tits have finally stopped hurting but I'm not really that big, still mobile and got plenty of energy. I feel like we should be enjoying this time and he's ruining it by being on a massive downer.

I'm starting to wonder if it was a huge mistake to have a child with someone who really doesn't seem to want children, and feel guilty and selfish for going ahead when the poor kid might have to grow up with a dad who doesn't love it.

OP - I'm not sure you crying actually will make him aware of how you feel - it will make him feel like shit though and he will dwell on that. If you want him to understand then you have to articulate it - crying just won't do it - and I say that as a very emotional and tearful person myself!

OK, we talked quite a lot over the weekend and things have picked up between us at least. Had a very difficult conversation about sex where he fessed up to (already) finding me less attractive just because I was starting to show a bit.

But then had loads of sex over the weekend, which cheered us both up.

I think we both know that when the baby arrives he will love it - because that's what happens. Keep the stories of reluctant-dads-made-good coming though :-)

In another conversation over the weekend I heard him saying "I don't want to have children, but QOTH does", which also struck me as a bit odd. But I guess for women you start being a mum as soon as you see that pink line on the pg test, but dads don't start being dads until the baby is actually born.

Be very careful with your assumptions that your OH will fall in love with baby the second he/she is born. Some mums don't, so to expect it of dads can cause unnecessary heartache if they don't.

It can be a long slow process for parents to bond with their babies, and men don't have the hormones pushing them into it.

Hopefully your OH will take one look and be utterly besotted. But if he's not, that is just as normal and will need to be treated gently. Some dads only find themselves falling in love when baby is a bit older and can interact.

I just don't want to see you set yourself up for a fall (and also have to agree with Solidgold too).

I am sure he does not really hate babies.

As Peachyfox says. Men are just a bit apprehensive about the whole process. He is making jokes as a sort of defence mechanism.

To be honest men feel left out while the woman is made to feel special and fussed over by everyone because she is pregnant.

I am sure he will ADORE the baby as liilymolly suggests.

Until the birth happens a man finds it very difficult to bond with the abstract concept of the baby by just watching his DW/DP get bigger.

I certainly will not forget holding DS1 and DS2 for the first time. It was my DW that found it difficult to bond after the birth.

Well, I don't mean that when the baby arrives he will instantly fall in love with it in the way that women are supposed to. But I know he'll do his best to be a good dad, and that based on a straw poll of our dad friends (from the most reluctant to the most enthusiastic) a bond of some kind will probably form, at some point.

I also know women who felt nothing at all when they saw their baby for the first time - just numbness and exhaustion.

Sorry if my post came across negatively, I just really didn't want you to rely completely on something that might not happen - the last thing you'll want to deal with when the baby is born is dashed hopes.

Glad you're going into this with yours eyes open. I really hope it all comes together for you. Have you considered something like Relate to deal with any problems as they arise? And as a neutral forum for you OH to voice his fears?

Hi Queenoftheharpies. glad you managed to talk to him, and you are feeling a bit better. I think what you said about the Sex thing is really interesting, and seems to show that voicing his feelings (and you being able to hear what he said, which must have been quite hard for you), meant you did have sex. IMO sex after babies is a big difficult issue.

I agree with what ABetaDad has said, but maybe whilst you are trying to work through this with him, you could get him to agree not to make comments, even jokes to other people, as this is really undermining of your relationship.

We have been to Relate in the past - and it was a huge help, they are brilliant. We're comfortable saying to each other "do you want to take this to Relate?" without implying that we're heading for a breakup, which is useful.

At the moment neither of us think we need it, but it's nice knowing they are there.

I think things will get easier when we tell his mum and dad - he'll have his dad to talk to for example (who was also a reluctant dad but who has been an excellent father and FIL).

Re: the bloke's guide to pregnancy - a friend of ours bought us a similar book about fatherhood ("fatherhood - the truth") and he won't read it.

In the same way, he's refusing to come to antenatal classes with me, refusing to learn anything about childcare (nappy changing etc) other than from me - generally refusing to engage with the whole process.

Now that I've stopped feeling upset, his whole attitude just seems childish. I'm reminded of trying to get an unwilling toddler to put his wellies on or something.

Oh - mine was like that as well.

Refused to go to any type of classes, sulked a lot, suddenly started going out at the weekends, (and he is not a "going out" type), made it seem as though shopping for baby stuff (essentials, such as a cot, not the fripperies) was like having bamboo sticks poked under his nails. The first time he saw the scan picture, he said: ?is it too late??. That really shocked me.

However, he is now besotted with his boy ? absolutely besotted ? and fell in love with him the second he was born. Quicker than me, if I?m honest. Turned up at the hospital the next day with all sorts of crap baby stuff.

All prompted by fear and the unknown, and I have had some grovelling apologies from him about his behaviour from that time.
It is very annoying though ? I can quite understand why you want to him to just bloody grow up and deal.

I know it's telly and not real, but this thread kind of reminds me of the episode in Friends when Richard kept saying to Monica that he would have a child "if he had to" - so she dumped him.

You're way past that, so I would just say that hopefully as others have said it is an adjustment. The fact that he feels able to say how he feels, whilst hurtful for you to hear, is probably a good thing, because at least he is talking.