Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want a hen night organising for me? Long...

37 replies

WildSeahorses · 06/03/2009 14:58

This has been bothering me for a few days and I want to know if IABU about this....

I am getting married in a few weeks' time. DH-to-be has a brother who has just proposed to his girlfriend. SIL-to-be and I have known each other for a year or so and we have always got along fine, but lately (especially prior to her getting engaged) she has been quite vocal about what she thinks we should do at the wedding. In particular, she thinks I should have a hen night. I do not want to have one - it's not really my kind of thing - and I have said this to her (on several occasions, as she has been badgering me about it).

A few days ago, DH-to-be said that SIL-to-be had sent him a message saying that he should tell me that she and MIL-to-be are going to take me out for a hen night in the week running up to me wedding. AIBU to be pissed off about this, as (1) she knows full well that I don't want a hen night, (2) if I was going to have a hen night, she wouldn't be the person arranging it for me in any event and it's a bit presumptuous of her to just decide that she is going to do this (3) it's a bit cheeky to say to DH-to-be that he should "tell" me that SIL-to-be and his mother "are going to take me" out - I am not five anymore; if you want to spend an evening with me then extend an invitation to me rather than issue an order to my fiancé and (4) if I was going to have a hen night, surely there ought to be some of my, err, friends there, as opposed to just (future) family?

I do get on with her quite well generally and I don't want to make a big thing of this (we are, after all, going to be family). However, this has really pissed me off. I know this is going to seem a bit ungrateful and I realise that some of you will think that she is trying to do a nice thing for me and I should go along and have fun, but I don't want to just roll over and cave in. Whether or not I have a hen night is not her choice to make - and, while in and of itself it is not a big issue, I don't want it to sort of set a precedent that it's ok to override my feelings (I don't want to come over all bridezilla, but surely this sort of thing is my choice and not hers - she will get her chance to have her way when she gets married). So, AIBU - and if any of you have any advice as to how I can handle this tactfully, it would be most welcome!

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 06/03/2009 15:03

Is there anyway you could set the agenda for the hen night?

Request a dinner with friends or something that you can quietly pretend is not a hen night?

I do see why you're annoyed, but I also see that objecting will do more damage than good.

Wizzska · 06/03/2009 15:06

I feel for you not wanting a hen night, I didn't either. Would the night out she is planning not just be a drink with SIL, MIL and you? If so I'd just go along with it for an easy life. It would grate though. If she's planning a god awful L-plates job, then do whatever you have in your power to stop it. Call off the wedding . Sorry to all you who have had an L-plates hen do and enjoyed it.

MumGoneCrazy · 06/03/2009 15:07

YANBU you told her straight that you didnt want a hen night and she should of respected that

She was wrong to organise one without your knowledge and letting you know through your dp

Could you have a quiet word with your MIL 2 b and maybe ask her to talk to SIL as she quite clearly wont listen to you

Or maybe agreeing to a kind of hen night where you have a few friends including SIL round to yours for wine, pampering and dvds all your choice

flowerybeanbag · 06/03/2009 15:09

Is it a hen night or is it the three of you popping out for a celebratory drink/dinner?

SalBySea · 06/03/2009 15:09

YANBU - stick you your guns

I said all along that I didnt want a hen night (wanted a quiet girly night in with bridesmaids the night before wedding instead

I was in a similar situation to you but I gave in in the end and hated every second of it - it was everything I didnt want. So stick to your guns!

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 06/03/2009 15:12

Well, that's just it - I have no idea what she's planned. I did think about just going along with it to keep everyone happy, but then I think - hang on a minute, if I start doing what everyone else wants over my own wedding, then where is it going to stop? She is naturally quite pushy and I donlt want to be going along with her for the sake of it for the rest of my life...

OP posts:
janestillhere · 06/03/2009 15:13

I organised my own 'hen night' because of this type of situation.

Just refuse to go, I would.

It all adds to the overall stress of getting married and you don't need it.

My hen do was a gathering of my matron of honour, my mum, and two aunts.

We had a wonderful meal in a local hotel and then stayed over in hotel and had breakfast.

Fab.

SalBySea · 06/03/2009 15:20

janetstillhere that sounds lovely - I'm jelous

I'm still sad that I got pushed into an L plate night on the town - I dont do binge drinking ever so why would I enjoy it on my hen night?

flowerybeanbag · 06/03/2009 15:21

Ask her what the plan is. Then if it's something you wouldn't enjoy, just say 'I really appreciate the thought SIL-to-be, it's very kind, but I really don't think it's something I'd enjoy so I'm going to have to say no'.

beanieb · 06/03/2009 15:25

I think you should mail his sister and his mum and tell tham thanks but no thanks you are not having a hen do. job done.

screamingabdab · 06/03/2009 16:30

I wonder why the SIL told your DP to tell you rather than telling you herself. It does seem as if she knows you don't want a hen do, but can't quite butt out. This is overbearing and YANBU

I agree with some of the other posters, but if you can't quite bring yourself to reject the whole idea, for the sake of peace I'd call her and say you'd love to go out for a drink/meal with her and mother-in-law, but you don't want a hen do as such. Make sure you take control of this, eg book the restaurant

beanieb · 06/03/2009 16:34

tell them you are going then don't turn up, then when they ask why tell them you told her boyfriend and he can't have passed the message on and next time you'll be sure to try and speak to them directly

CMOTDibbler · 06/03/2009 16:35

I'd tell her straight out that you really appreciate the thought, not your thing, but you'd love to have a drink with them/go have your nails done/have a meal.

None of my friends have had a trad hen night - I went out with all my friends (male and female), other friend had a quiet weekend away at Centerparcs, another we went to tea at the Ritz with all her aunties etc. All totally lovely.

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 06/03/2009 17:09

Exactly, screamingabdab, it is just too pushy. SIL-to-be told DP via Facebook (which I'm not on, so she couldn't have messaged me directly). I assume that the reason that she did it that way, rather than email me directly, is that she hoped DP would talk me into it (thankfully, he has more sense than that).

I am torn between feeling that not doing anything would seem rude and churlish, but another part of me thinks that she should NOT get to ride roughshod over my decisions. I am also concerned that, by going along with this (even if I do take some control overwhat we actually do) I am basically telling my future family that I will go along with anything to keep the peace and that it's ok to not really pay attention to my feelings (or am I just being paranoid here? So many other posters have problems with family members that don't respect boundaries that maybe I'm just overly concerned about this...).

OP posts:
Eilatan · 06/03/2009 17:14

I really hate that L plate round the town thing. There seems to be something awfully ritualistic about it all, like some pre sacrifice event. As if the father giving you away and the wedding cake (bride's body) being passed about wasn't bad enough.

AIBU? AIB a party pooper? probably!

I wouldn't stand for it though. Just a drink with mates would do.

Maybe really I'm bitter cos I coudn't drink (for obvious reasons!)

Uriel · 06/03/2009 17:21

Just get DP to tell her no on your behalf - via Facebook.

Or invite your future sil and mil over for a girls' night in, if you fancy it.

screamingabdab · 06/03/2009 17:26

WSH I don't think you are being paranoid.

I wish I could be more assertive with relatives in general.

When I tried to assert myself over who I invited to my wedding, it upset my aunt, who manipulated my mother to get upset, and then I had my brother phoning me up advising me to let it go. I remember him saying that because it was my wedding i should try to keep the peace. I replied that it was precisely because it was my wedding that me and DH should get OUR wishes.

I don't know what the answer is, because I did get what I wanted but the ill-feeling has gone on for years.

Basically, weddings are times of heightened emotion and will be remembered for a long time

solidgoldbrass · 06/03/2009 17:31

Tell your DP to tell them that you are otherwise engaged that night, but offer no further explanation. You have told them you don't want a hen night. They do not have any right to ignore your feelings and wishes.

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 06/03/2009 17:35

Screamingabdab, that's my main worry - that it will cause a lot of ill-feeling. I just don't think I should have to compromise on stuff like this just so other people will be happy (don't get me wrong, I know there are times when you have to sit on your feelings for the sake of others, but I can't help thinking that this instance isn't one of those times).

Solidgoldbrass - yes, I would definitely have done that if she'd specified a date, but unfortunately she didn't (presumably for that very reason!)

OP posts:
jasper · 06/03/2009 17:39

convey the message thanks for the thought but you do not want a hen night of any description.
Stick to your guns!

SalBySea · 06/03/2009 17:42

"for the sake of peace I'd call her and say you'd love to go out for a drink/meal with her and mother-in-law, but you don't want a hen do as such."

I agreed to a comprimise - said that if we must I wanted us to do something that I would normally do. Something that's me. I hate £1 a shot bars. I give a few options e.g. watersports or country pub lunch etc - I was quite specific. Despite that I got the full L plate treatment in a tacky hen do venue.

I think that if you agree to anything they may run away with it to "surprize" you like my lot did

MrsMattie · 06/03/2009 17:43

Oh stop being a misog and just go! You might have fun.

Ivykaty44 · 06/03/2009 17:56

If you don't want to have a hen night then say it again, I am not having a hen night thank you very much for the final offer but no.

Jenbot · 06/03/2009 18:11

I didn't want a hen night either, I went out with some ex boyfriends for a couple of drinks instead and called it my stag do.

(Most people probably don't want to go out with their exes before their wedding but hey I'm just odd.)

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 06/03/2009 18:14

Thanks for all your reponses - they're really helpful.

I am now thinking that I am not going to go along with this and I will ask DP to send SIL-to-be a message back via Facebook saying thanks but no thanks.

I will ask DP to speak to his mum - he can then tell her that he got the Facebook message from SIL-to-be, but wanted to let her know that I'm actually not doing a hen night at all. That way she knows what's happening and that she's free to make plans for whatever night they had provisionally set. At the moment, I'm not actually sure what has been said about this between her and SIL-to-be (and whether or not MIL-to-be actually knows that I haven't agreed to this). MIL-to-be is really nice and I don't want her to feel that she's been messed around. Or do you think it would be better to leave it to SIL-to-be to cancel any plans?

I'm just glad that on my first AIBU post I didn't get a resounding chorus of YABU!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread