...to not want a hen night organising for me? Long...

[WildSeahorses]

This has been bothering me for a few days and I want to know if IABU about this....

I am getting married in a few weeks' time. DH-to-be has a brother who has just proposed to his girlfriend. SIL-to-be and I have known each other for a year or so and we have always got along fine, but lately (especially prior to her getting engaged) she has been quite vocal about what she thinks we should do at the wedding. In particular, she thinks I should have a hen night. I do not want to have one - it's not really my kind of thing - and I have said this to her (on several occasions, as she has been badgering me about it).

A few days ago, DH-to-be said that SIL-to-be had sent him a message saying that he should tell me that she and MIL-to-be are going to take me out for a hen night in the week running up to me wedding. AIBU to be pissed off about this, as (1) she knows full well that I don't want a hen night, (2) if I was going to have a hen night, she wouldn't be the person arranging it for me in any event and it's a bit presumptuous of her to just decide that she is going to do this (3) it's a bit cheeky to say to DH-to-be that he should "tell" me that SIL-to-be and his mother "are going to take me" out - I am not five anymore; if you want to spend an evening with me then extend an invitation to me rather than issue an order to my fiancé and (4) if I was going to have a hen night, surely there ought to be some of my, err, friends there, as opposed to just (future) family?

I do get on with her quite well generally and I don't want to make a big thing of this (we are, after all, going to be family). However, this has really pissed me off. I know this is going to seem a bit ungrateful and I realise that some of you will think that she is trying to do a nice thing for me and I should go along and have fun, but I don't want to just roll over and cave in. Whether or not I have a hen night is not her choice to make - and, while in and of itself it is not a big issue, I don't want it to sort of set a precedent that it's ok to override my feelings (I don't want to come over all bridezilla, but surely this sort of thing is my choice and not hers - she will get her chance to have her way when she gets married). So, AIBU - and if any of you have any advice as to how I can handle this tactfully, it would be most welcome!

Yes OP, I know what you mean, my first AIBU was really uncontroversial (" aibu, or is killing puppies wrong?" or something)

Why don't you speak directly to your MIL about it?

YANBU, by the way, Hen Nights are the seventh circle of hell imo.

YANBU, I feel your pain, I HATE that kind of thing to. When I got married I had hen day at Sanctury in london which fantastic. We then went for one drink at nearby bar and home as we were all spaced out from massages etc.

Total bliss, no L plates and my sister got to organise stuff. Everyone was happy.

Good luck.

It could easily be that your MIL has no idea about any of this or that you don't want a hen night and was thinking it was sad that none of your other friends were throwing you one... or something long and convulted like that.

I would ring her yourself and say, you'd heard that SIL wanted to throw something with MIL for you and it really wasn't what you wanted and that was why you hadn't organised anything but thank you for the thinking of me blah-di-blah. That way she's not going to get wires crossed and think you just didn't want to spend an evening with her!

Hen-nights are simply horrid, YANBU for avoiding it!

God, no. I had a hen night foisted on me and was really pissed off about it. Make sure she absolutely knows you hate them and don't want one. And then prime friends that you amy be making fake arrangements with them at very short notice...

Why don't you tell her that it sounds great, but it's really not 'you', but you'll look forward to helping her plan a hen night when it's her wedding.

Can you 'give her something' if she's desparate to have an involvement in your wedding? Could she and MIL pop round one evening for a glass of wine and to 'help you decide' something about the wedding that you're not actually bothered about? (Can't think of an example, but you know what I mean)

It's a bit of a liberty for anyone to organise something for a bride in the week before their wedding - there's usually plenty to do (even if it is just relaxing to be daisy fresh and ready for the big day ) that you should not feel one jot of guilt in turning them down as not having any free evenings that week.

good luck for the wedding - hope the hen night is non-existent and the wedding goes just the way you and your dp want it to!

Could you suggest that you, MIL and SIL go out for a nice meal after the wedding. That should remove any need for L-plates and other ridiculousness.

If she's awkward about it, you'll just have to start planning her hen-do for when she marries your BIL.

MrsMattie we say misog in our house! Lovely word

OP - I do understand why you might not want to go and I can appreciate that it's annoying you that people aren't respecting your wishes, so YANBU in that respect.

Tricky situation, my sil is pushy too and I feel for you. Is the wedding quite soon? Can you pretend you're just too busy/stressed on that day/week/(year)?
I think I made myself a little unpopular by putting my foot down on a lot of things.
But it's quickly forgotten and if it isn't and pushes people away who I don't really want around, I don't mind. (like cousins who totally think I'm U for not letting anyone smoke in the house!?)

Sil cannot understand why I refuse to take on their dad's hunting dog and probably thinks I'm a bitch because of that. I ahve valid reasons, I would clearly be the one looking after it and I have no spare time as it is and at 6 months pregnant that's not going to get better, the garden is not big enough for that kind of dog, I don't particularly like or dislike dogs but I'm also allergic.

For what it's worth I'm really glad that I'm not the only one who didn't want and didn't have a hen night.

Can you find a compromise and invite a couple of friends for dinner one night and ask sil and mil to join it for that?

If no compromise can be found than I would say definitely do it your way otherwise you'll always feel like you've been pushed over.