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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another playground thread- is it my 'hijab' that puts people off or AIBU?

56 replies

sherazade · 05/03/2009 19:28

hi,

i'm just wondering if maybe i'm being unreasonable or over sensitive. DD1 is at nursery (attached to a school) and I have made 'friends' with some of the parents at drop off /pick up time. we all live locally and bump into each other regularly at the park /shops next to the school. I'm always polite/friendly, just balanced i'm not in peoples faces but I do have the odd friendly chat with a couple of mums. The other day one of the mums who lives a couple of doors away from me was asking mums round for a coffee after drop off time, she mentioned it to two women next to me a in a rather hush-hush voice and then again to a mum infront of me. I was a bit suprised that i hadn't been asked- i know her as well as the other ladies. I kept on thinking she'd ask but she didnt, and i felt a bit stranne sloping off home on my own as they all headed to her house. a bit sad actually . similar things happen to me every now and then and i do start to wonder if maybe its my muslim dress that puts people off, i'm not in black from head to toe or anything- just jeans, baggy tops and a small coloured headscarf. i really would be interested to hear peoples comments as in real life people dont tell you how they feel about your dress obviously.

OP posts:
LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 05/03/2009 19:29

I hope it's not that

Obviously it wouldn't put me off

gemmummy · 05/03/2009 19:30

wouldn't bother me sher, i quite like some of the traditional dress, the brightly coloured sari's are beautiful.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 05/03/2009 19:31

Its a very sad world if your muslim dress puts people off. very sad indeed
I'm sorry she left you out - thats rotten.

MmeLindt · 05/03/2009 19:32

It would not put me off.

It is understandable that you are upset, that is a very rude thing to do to someone.

TheNatty · 05/03/2009 19:33

no it wouldnt put me off. headscarf covers your head not your face yes?
i can find the all in one type with just a slit for the eyes off putting on because u like to see a persons facial expressions when they are talking as my hearing is not great.
but what u describe wouldnt bother me at all.

id invite you over for coffee

ruty · 05/03/2009 19:34

that is ridiculous and rather unpleasant if that is the case. However i've experienced things like that, it does lead to questioning 'well what is wrong with me' but playground politics are invariably complicated and baffling. How about you inviting them all to yours? That's what i would do.

Original poster
sherazade · 05/03/2009 19:35

yes ruty, i think i will

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 19:35

Wouldn't put me off at all. Perhaps she just didn't think - if that was the reason, she wouldnt be the sort of person i would want anything to do with anyway.

PinkPussyCat · 05/03/2009 19:35

Aw sherazade

You can come to mine for coffee anytime!

Like Ruty's suggestion - try that one

JazzHands · 05/03/2009 19:36

It wouldn't put me off.

If you had your face covered I would have said it was a strong possibility that was why it happened, but not just headscarf surely.

ruty · 05/03/2009 19:37
Smile
steviesgirl · 05/03/2009 19:38

Sounds like they are being prejudice tbh. If it's not covering your whole face then what's the problem?

They obviously think that you are different in some way just because of your religion.

Sorry to hear that. I don't personally judge a book by it's cover and it wouldn't be an issue with me.

Dilettante · 05/03/2009 19:38

Oh dear. I'm sorry that happened to you. I would have felt the same as you - left out. Do you think it definitely was that or could there have been some other reason? To be honest it would be rude to ask everyone else in front of someone you weren't going to invite any way surely? If I was ever brave enough to ask other mums round for coffee (!) of course I wouldn't be put off by someone wearing the hijab.

Drusilla · 05/03/2009 19:38

I will stick my neck out here and suggest that whilst it may not put people off you, it may make them think twice about whether you want to be friends with them if they are non-muslims. Does that make sense? I would be brave and make the first move.

debs40 · 05/03/2009 19:39

It wouldn't stop me either. I posted the other playground thread and I think this demonstrates the problem. People are sometimes rude without thinking and you can end up looking for reasons when there are none apart from people being unthinking!

Reallytired · 05/03/2009 19:41

I don't think that being a muslim is anything to do with it. Unfortunately cliques between mums is common and white british women often get left out.

I hate pick up time at school, its one reason I love picking my son up from after school club.

ib · 05/03/2009 19:42

Wouldn't put me off as such, but I do find sometimes I am a bit wary of people who wear things that are a statement of their religion. It's not because I object to them, but because I would be worried about inadvertently saying/doing something offensive.

I am blithely irreligious (not a rabid atheist as such, just indifferent to the god question and a bit of many religious behaviours) and I have no doubt that when talking to religious people I commit several grave offences a minute without noticing.

I do try to make an effort when I'm around people I know to be very religious but it doesn't exactly make for a relaxing time iyswim.

Once I know someone and they learn to disregard my (inadvertent) rudeness then I of course have no problems at all.

Hope I don't offend anyone too much with the above!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 19:42

This probably marks me out as some kind of inadvertant racist, but I'd feel you were dead exotic and I'd be thrilled to invite you round, because my life lacks excitement and... I was going to say "colour"...

I'll shut up now.

Lawks · 05/03/2009 19:43

I think it will put some people off, yes. It's ignorance and fear of the unknown. Am sure some people would love to be friendly but have heard all sorts of half cocked stories and would be nervous about making a 'cultural gaffe'. What if your husband won't let you go out for tea? What if you can only drink special halal tea? What if you're offended by MTv on the telly when you get there? Silly, but some people have no experience of making friends with people outside their immediate cultural norm and so have nothing to go on other than the media and vague heresay.

Inviting them over will solve all of that and I bet once they realise that you are normal and drink tea and watch corrie they'll include you.

laweaselmys · 05/03/2009 19:44

If they do have false impressions of you, (Don't see why though, you sound the same as everyone else there just plus a headscarf!) inviting them round would be a great way to get to know them a bit better.

Although I would be petty and not invite the exclusive one.

SalBySea · 05/03/2009 19:44

TBH if it was head to toe covering with just eye slits it would put me off as I find communicating with people without facial expressions difficult - same goes for people who've ODed on botox, I find it really hard to talk to them. It has nothing to do with religion though, might have something to do with the fact I had glue ear as a child so maybe I'm extra visual or something.

But you said your face is exposed so it cant be that

I hope its not a religion thing as that would be sad

However some people just like being cliquey and arent happy unless they're excluding someone, anyone, and this month its you! could just be that. Maybe the only way she knows to make friends is to bitch about others and she cant do that if everyone is present

BlameItOnTheBogey · 05/03/2009 19:45

I wouldn't put me off but I can see that it might put other people off if they have no experience of the muslim faith and feel a bit ignorant about it. They might think that you wouldn't be interested. I honestly think the best thing in this situation is just to say; 'ooh, can I come?' when you hear them discussing it. I know that's hard to do but it's always been my strategy and seems to work. I did this a lot when I worked overseas. I'm sure that people didn't invite me to things because I was 'different' and they were unsure of what I would want to do/ whether I would be interested. After I invited myself to things, they soon realised that actually, I wasn't different at all.

Marthasmama · 05/03/2009 19:47

I would just assume that they are planning to get horribly drunk on gin and did not want to put you in an diffcult position.

Habbibu · 05/03/2009 19:48

Even if you had covered your whole face it would still be rude - it doesn't make you any less of a person to be treated with respect, ffs. I'm a bit with OldLady - I don't know many muslims at all, and so would be interested to talk to you because of the differences, and then I guess we'd find loads of stuff in common, and become friends - I think that's quite a usual way of being interested in someone.

toddlerama · 05/03/2009 19:48

Surely there aren't people left who are put off by a bright headscarf and a baggy top and jeans?? I wear that often enough and I'm not Muslim! Unfortunately, I think it's probably just a bitchy little clique and has nothing to do with religion. Invite them round to yours and see if they come! I say that, but I am never brave enough to invite the mums round. I'm such a geek.

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