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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

another playground thread- is it my 'hijab' that puts people off or AIBU?

56 replies

sherazade · 05/03/2009 19:28

hi,

i'm just wondering if maybe i'm being unreasonable or over sensitive. DD1 is at nursery (attached to a school) and I have made 'friends' with some of the parents at drop off /pick up time. we all live locally and bump into each other regularly at the park /shops next to the school. I'm always polite/friendly, just balanced i'm not in peoples faces but I do have the odd friendly chat with a couple of mums. The other day one of the mums who lives a couple of doors away from me was asking mums round for a coffee after drop off time, she mentioned it to two women next to me a in a rather hush-hush voice and then again to a mum infront of me. I was a bit suprised that i hadn't been asked- i know her as well as the other ladies. I kept on thinking she'd ask but she didnt, and i felt a bit stranne sloping off home on my own as they all headed to her house. a bit sad actually . similar things happen to me every now and then and i do start to wonder if maybe its my muslim dress that puts people off, i'm not in black from head to toe or anything- just jeans, baggy tops and a small coloured headscarf. i really would be interested to hear peoples comments as in real life people dont tell you how they feel about your dress obviously.

OP posts:

giantkatestacks · 05/03/2009 19:49

It is difference thats the problem and not the hijab per se I think. Bogey is dead right.

Though this doesnt actually help with the problem does it - is there ever a general coffee after drop off type thing at a local cafe - could you start one?

JazzHands · 05/03/2009 19:49

Out of interest whereabouts do you live sherazade? Is it an area with a reasonably sized muslim population?

NotPlayingAnyMore · 05/03/2009 19:50

It may be out of sheer ignorance about your religion/culture that they do not invite you, for fear they may offend you if you're "not allowed" to go.
At school I remember a friend of mine worrying about us both laughing and joking along - not even flirting - with a boy with a Muslim sounding name in case we were "tempting him to sin". We didn't even know if he was religious at all!
People's best intentions can tend to come out this way, unfortunately.

Original poster

sherazade · 05/03/2009 19:51

reallytired, you said white british women get excluded too, but i am a white british woman i'm also muslim and wear the headscarf.

drusilla, i don't think they would have any reason for them thinking i want to be friends with them, I'm always smiley and chatty etc

lawks, thats an interesting post , i did ring my sis having a moan about ;being left out' and she did say it was probabky out of ignorance that they may i have thought i was sooo restricted that a coffee at theirs wouldnt be feasible for me.

i'm going to ask some mums round on monday morning......i dont wear my headscarf in the company of women at home and they will probably be more at ease with me.

oldladyknowsnothing... lol.. i'm really not interesting or colourful at all, in fact i get mistaken for an 'english' muslim alot of the time.

OP posts:

laweaselmys · 05/03/2009 19:53

I would struggle a bit to get to know somebody I only saw with full face covering but that's because without seeing lips I can find it very hard to hear. Sadly, I doubt all these woman have this excuse, and even if they did - I'd hope, like me they'd just say something, and ask you to speak louder to help me!!

littleducks · 05/03/2009 19:53

sherazade- it does make a difference and does put people off, that i know for certain, but why it does is the question im stll trying to puzzle out

littleducks · 05/03/2009 19:53

sherazade- it does make a difference and does put people off, that i know for certain, but why it does is the question im stll trying to puzzle out

BoffinMum · 05/03/2009 19:54

I think it's a bit like a father being at the school gate, tbh. Nothing wrong with him, no reason not to invite him to coffee, but people are unsure of the social code, so it's easier to leave him out.

IMO the way around that is to nip it in the bud straight away and host your own rather splendid coffee morning, with decent cake, and the problem will go away fairly rapidly. Nobody can resist decent cake.

laweaselmys · 05/03/2009 19:55

sorry x-post.

sorry but - lol, see, even online you are having assumptions made about you. We're all bloody rubbish. Hope things get a bit better.

SnowlightMcKenzie · 05/03/2009 19:59

I grew up in a very Muslim area where I was in the minority. I was left out, not deliberately I don't think, but because the Muslims did things a bit differently and I didn't attend the pray room at college when they did.

I like to think I would never leave an obvious Muslim out of a social event, but at the same time I might make an assumption that they would not be interested as from my experience they have their own networks and way of doing things.

I did have a couple of close Muslim friends at school but they were never allowed out with me in the evenings. Again, this has probably coloured my perception.

pagwatch · 05/03/2009 20:04

TBH I wouldn't make assumptions about why cliques and groups grow up. At my sons first school there were several mums who hissed and whispered together. i put it down to deep seated insecurity as they had known each other since nursery school and they were too fragile as a group to cope with 'new' people.
I ahev three children in three different schools and we have moved a lot. It happens all over and for lots of different reasons.

I think the suggestion to host is a great one - you will then get a better idea of whether they are being foolish and ignorant - or if they just all go to the same knitting club and don't want to own up

PussinJimmyChoos · 05/03/2009 20:06

Salaam O Alikum Wa Rhamatulali Wa Barakatu (excuse spelling - its in transliteration!) Shez - I'm an English convert too - whereabouts in the UK are you?

SoupDragon · 05/03/2009 20:07

It is far more likely to be ignorance - a misconception that muslims do not socialise with non-muslims perhaps.

Original poster

sherazade · 05/03/2009 20:10

pussin walaykum salam - i'm Not an english convert, i said i get mistaken for one so i'm not exotic looking or anything, i just look like an ordinary white women, but with headscarf on. I'm a white arab . My father is blond/blue eyed and my mum is rather dark skinned, i came out more like my dad than mum iyswim

OP posts:

noonki · 05/03/2009 20:12

I hate playground stuff it is as bad as being back at school.

I take it that she left out many other parents too all for different reasons.

I do get where ib is coming from, to my shame I feel a bit on edge around anyone religious. So in that instant it wouldnt be the fact you are muslim but more that you are religious iyswim.

I havce friends who are lapsed from a wide range of religions. But only one that is practicing (sikh).

I think some times religion can feel threatening as people think they will say the wrong thing (I ALWAYS manage to say for god sake infront of my v religious mil)

I think inviting them round to yours is a top idea.

PussinJimmyChoos · 05/03/2009 20:13

Ahh, Dh is Arab too - which part of the M.East are your parents from? I am nosey aren't I

I find people are more puzzled by white Muslims as, ime, they expect Muslims to be Asian or Somalian..people get a bit hmmm when they see white muslims...its madness really as any race can be Muslim but its just the expectation iyswim?

People also think us Muslim women are right prudes who scuttle home to cook and spend the afternoon bowing and scraping to our husbands...yeah..right

dilemma456 · 05/03/2009 20:15

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sherazade · 05/03/2009 20:15

yes pussin, people defo get puzzled by white muslims. well, my m.e background is very varied, we have syrian and palestinian mainly, but theres also indian blood in my mum. and to top it off DH is mixed race too..
goodness knows what the kids will make of themselves. i identfy myself with jordan the most though as thats where generations before us have migrated/settled and where i used to go for hols as a kid.

OP posts:

PussinJimmyChoos · 05/03/2009 20:18

DH is Syrian - Syrian men...mmm

I think inviting them around is a good thing and if that doesn't work out, then at least you know its their problem, not yours and maybe try to find a circle of Muslim friends in your area? I've found having Muslim friends really helps with my iman, especially as a convert to Islam, Ill Hamdu Illah!

Reallytired · 05/03/2009 20:32

sherazade, I'm sorry for assuming that you were not white. I'm sorry for being naive.

I am a white christian and I have been made to feel left out by other mums. It is horrible when it happens and feels exactly like the school playground. There are lots of threads on mumsnet where other women have had similar experiences to you.

JazzHands · 05/03/2009 20:43

I think that maybe a few others have it - maybe it is to do with being religious, rather than being muslim.

I also feel uncomfortable around people who are practicing members of religious groups, no matter what the religion is. I knocked a burgeoning post-natal group friendship on the head when I realised that she was a fervent catholic. Me and religion don't mix...

Actually having said that, it's a load of bollocks, as just wearing a headscarf doesn't necessarily mean you're v religious at all, so strike the comment I have just made Back to square 1...

27T · 05/03/2009 20:44

You're not being unreasonable. The silk headscarf things are cute. I remember that when I was a kid in the early sixties most of the women in Liverpool wore something similar all the time.

27T · 05/03/2009 20:48

BTW - as a SAHD of a 7 month old DD I am getting this already at various classes and clubs. I can understand why though.

WilyWombat · 05/03/2009 20:57

It may be if they know nothing about your faith they dont know if its something you would do, if youre braver than me you could say "I drink coffee too" next time...then if they still dont invite you then you know they are not worth the effort

hotbot · 05/03/2009 20:59

nah just some people are ignorant, have you not found the same at toddler groups - i have , - very clique
good on you for inviting some people round tho, you are a lot braver than me
i must admit that i walked home from 1 group intears as they all seemed to know eachother and were arranging going out for lunch after the group. i was ranting ti my mum on the phone after and decided not to go again
BUT i should have invited them round
good luck

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