Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt at being left out?

52 replies

womma · 05/03/2009 13:04

I see the three other women from my ante- natal class every week and we all get on well. I meet them every week for lunch with our babies and they do other things together like exercise classes and baby massage etc which I don't do (by choice, I'd rather save my money until my DD is older and can participate more). I must confess that by not going to these 'extras' I often feel a bit out of the loop with them all when we meet up, but it's been my choice and it's always okay when we meet up so I thought it was fine.
This week I found out that one of them is having the other two and partners for sunday lunch in a couple of weeks (they don't know I know about this, I saw it written on the calendar in her kitchen). Obviously me and my hubby have been missed out of the invite, which I feel quite gutted by. I haven't felt like this since I was at school!
I think it's best not to say anything about this, but I know that if any of them found out that they'd been not invited to something that was arranged within the group they'd be gutted too.
Am I being unreasonable, and I'm right thinking I should just get on with this and keep my gob shut aren't I?

OP posts:
Seeline · 05/03/2009 13:11

I can understand why you would feel a bit left out but TBH they have obviously got closer to each other through doing the extra activities. I would try not to worry about it too much, don't let on that you know, and if any of them do mention it, just say how nice or something. However, perhaps you could arrange something different for the four of you to do at another time - or even involve your partners as well. I think perhaps you are being a little unreasonable, but can totally appreciate your feelings!

fircone · 05/03/2009 13:11

I understand how you feel - YANBU for being hurt.

The first time I asked a mum if she would like to meet for a coffee my heart was pounding, my hands were sweating... I really feel sorry for blokes having to do the asking out.

And now after finding some mummy mates you've been left out. Bummer. But you can't say anything. That would be a bit 'playgroundish' imo. As you probably correctly surmise, they've all got to know each other that bit better and so have upped the social thing to another level.

On the other hand, you may have bad breath and BO

Lawks · 05/03/2009 13:12

I can see why you're hurt. I don't think you need to assume they're deliberately leaving you out - more likely they only have room around the table for 8, and as they dee each other so much more often than you see them it's a natural break to ask the other 2 but not you.

Why not organise something one weekend and invite them all? Then you'll be more in the loop, invitations wise.

Look on the bright side, it would be a pain in the long run if the four of you could only ever do things inviting everybody.

purpleduck · 05/03/2009 13:18

Its a bit of a leap when a friendship goes from mums/&children to partners as well.
I would have thought that they just all decided it at one of those extra activities, and maybe assumed that you didn't want that kind of friendship.

If you DO want that, then I would make a move - invite all them round to yours, or initiate an adults night out or whatever.

I have a friend who I adore and have been friends with for about 7 years and we have only gotten together with our partners maybe twice. I don't know why. I always see her as reserving her weekend time for their parents/in-laws family etc.

SO, short answer, make a move

LouMacca · 05/03/2009 13:25

I can see why you are hurt too. I am really friendly with 2 of the other mums at school (our children are in different years) and we always do things as a threesome and with our partners at weekends/nights out.

If one of us can't make it then fine, but we wouldn't make arrangements without each other OR SO I THOUGHT. A couple of weeks ago one of the other Mums mentioned to me that she had seen my 2 friends having coffee and was surprised I wasn't with them. I felt embarrassed and lied that I couldn't make it.

I don't know why I wasn't included and I haven't mentioned it to them or vice versa. Things are fine between us so I am just letting it go.

I wouldn't say anything. As Lawks said maybe you could arrange something and invite them all round?

MillyR · 05/03/2009 13:41

Loumacca - maybe your friends just bumped into each other in the street and decided to go for coffee.

OP - as your baby gets older and you go to more groups you will all meet lots of new friends, so don't worry too much about who is going around to dinner. I agree with the other posters - invite them around to your house.

Haribosmummy · 05/03/2009 13:52

I can see why you feel hurt but I'm afraid the fact that they do more things together means it's likely to happen.

I made friends with a (lovely) bunch of girls from my AN class, but now that our babies are a bit older, they often (reasonably short notice) leave the kids with their partners and go out for a night out - pub / meal / film.

As Dh is away and I have no close family closeby that I could call on, I don't get invited.

It did hurt a bit when I first found out about it, but my situation is different and I can't expect them to put their lives on hold just because I can't go out without my son!

I did invite them all round here to watch a film in the house and share a bottle of wine, which was nice, but if I'm honest, I know that they were all a bit bored and would have much prefered being in a pub in town.

So, you aren't unreaonable to be a bit sad, but I think you are being totally right not to mention it or spoil the friendships you DO have.

angrypixie · 05/03/2009 14:06

Agree with....everyone! It is NU to feel hurt, but neither is it unreasonable for them to have organized the lunch without you.

Note to self - DO NOT look at anyone's calendar (or notes on fridge, or invitations stuffed behind the mirror, or inside medicine cabinet, fridge or GOD FORBID any other child's book bag)

Sheeta · 05/03/2009 14:07

YANBU... I know how you feel. Our NCT antental group was the same. All of them went to Baby College and sing and sign, and I just didn't see the point (the babies were about 3mo at the time). I'm not a group kind of person, and while seeing them every week was nice, I didn't feel the need to spend a small fortune on classes that DS wouldn't have even noticed (and probably would have slept though).

On the other hand, they have obviously got a bit closer, as they see each other a lot more often... you can't really blame them for being better friends sometimes?

yes, it's difficult and it's shit, but it's not really their fault either...

Why don't you invite them round for dinner?

Rhubarb · 05/03/2009 14:14

It can take a long time to make friends, even if you see them every week.

I used to belong to an NCT toddlers group. I always felt a bit different anyway because they all came from the posh end of town whereas I didn't. But one week I offered to have the tots group at my house. Normally you'd expect 4 or 5 mums to turn up every week and I'd been going without fail. More for dd's benefit than for mine, but I thought I really should make an effort.

Not one person came to my house. I believed their excuses however and arranged to hold another one the next month. This time, halfway through the time alloted, one mum turned up to see how I was getting on. She was the only one. I stopped going altogether after that.

Then by coincidence, when I was at the tots group organised by the Church, I bumped into that same mum. I'd been going there for a few weeks and it was her first time. I could see that she was nervous and edgy, so I sat next to her and chatted, reassured her that it wasn't too "churchy" and I got us both a cup of tea. We became firm friends after that!

So don't give up. You do get knocks and blows, esp in motherhood, but be the person you are, never try to be someone you're not to please them. Accept it when things don't work out and instead of looking back and thinking "If only", look forward and start doing other things that bring you into contact with a wider range of people.

warthog · 05/03/2009 14:17

that's disgusting rhubarb - can't believe people sometimes.

Original poster
womma · 05/03/2009 14:45

Thanks for your messages, it's a minefield all of this isn't it? Yes, I'll just take it on the chin and get on with it, although I have to say I've gone off them all a bit after this....I wouldn't dream of setting up something without all of us because I know how horrid it is to feel left out of things (and there's plenty of room at this woman's place for all of us too).
Anyway dear ladies, I can see I'm not alone in feeling like this, or feeling like I've been treated in a way I wouldn't treat others. Never mind eh? I think I need to cast my (mums) net a bit wider socially and move on.

OP posts:
mm22bys · 05/03/2009 14:49

YANBU, it does hurt.

Sheeta, what on earth is "Baby College"?

Rhubarb · 05/03/2009 14:51

Unfortunately, not everyone is as lovely as you. And it's always the nicest people who tend to get hurt.

Arrange something yourself on that day, have a couple of friends round or get a nice lump of steak and a bottle of wine!

The NCT run bumps and baby clubs, also coffee groups and so on. Give them a try?

Sunshine78 · 05/03/2009 14:53

Could have written the op myself a few years back. decided in end to be freindly but not rely on the other 3 and made an effort to make other friends - now they are left clinging to each other and I have a great circle of friends. I did feel really hurt myself at the time but it is there loss in the long run not yours.

DandyLioness · 05/03/2009 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sheeta · 05/03/2009 19:56

mm22bys www.babycollege.co.uk/

sigh.

designed to make new mums feel like they're doing the most they can for their PFB, I'm sure.

(cynical old me )

Haribosmummy · 05/03/2009 20:11

Flippin' hell. I thought I was a leading member of the PFB club and even I wouldn't consider 'baby college'....

I left one swim class, cos we were told to 'swim up and down' and I got told to leave the pool cos my (3MO old!!!!) son was crying and I cuddled him.

I can't stand that sort of competitiveness. They are babies... they need love. There is plenty of time for competitiveness....

I wonder whether you get a diploma for your baby at the end of the course!!!

ra29needsabettername · 05/03/2009 20:32

babycollege [yuck]

Original poster
womma · 06/03/2009 15:33

Dandy- tbh I after this I don't want to invite them round to mine for anything (I really don't have the space to host a lunch for eight people and four babies). I feel like I'm trying to earn their approval for some reason, and I don't think I should have to try so hard after what we've been through together so far!
Sadly, the truth is that they've just left us out, but thinking about it, it's going to be an afternoon of talking about house prices and the hostess' forthcoming wedding, and I get as much as I can bear of that when we meet up weekly anyway...which is one of the reasons I don't do all the extras with them!
Yes, I'll stay in touch with them and carry on with the weekly meet up, but I think this is the nudge I need to find some new mums who are more on my level.

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 06/03/2009 19:29

I can so imagine that feeling when you saw the diary entry. This is the sort of thing that does upset me - but it is very difficult to organise weekend meet-ups with partners. We are going to have the same problem soon when our dcs start school and someone has suggested meeting at weekends. Two of us just don't have the space for it and the husbands don't know each other.

YANBU - but I can also see how this would come about without it being anything to do with you personally.

NigellaTufnel · 06/03/2009 23:18

YANBU.

I had something a bit similar, and it is a horrible feeling. Chin up! Don't worry! And know that you're not the only one!

wannaBe · 06/03/2009 23:27

yanbu to be hurt.

I can also see why you wouldn't want to invite them over - I'm the type that always does the inviting and invites are never recipricated. To me that just feels desparate so I don't bother any more...

oopsagain · 06/03/2009 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChippingIn · 06/03/2009 23:34

YANBU, it's a horrible, horrible way to feel

Why don't you ask them all around that day and see what they say ... just kidding. If you did that and they said they were just about to ring you as they had started to arrange something, you'd feel awful being there

Why not invite them all (DH's too) to do something (go out somewhere if yours isn't big enough) and see how it goes, maybe once you've all met up again it will be fine.

Perhaphs they were doing one of their classes and said 'We really should have lunch with the DH's, yeah you free this date, yeah great...' without thinking about the bigger picture IFYWIM?

I think we sometimes take things personally, where there has been no evil intent by the other person (Charged as Guilty ).

Swipe left for the next trending thread