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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt at being left out?

52 replies

womma · 05/03/2009 13:04

I see the three other women from my ante- natal class every week and we all get on well. I meet them every week for lunch with our babies and they do other things together like exercise classes and baby massage etc which I don't do (by choice, I'd rather save my money until my DD is older and can participate more). I must confess that by not going to these 'extras' I often feel a bit out of the loop with them all when we meet up, but it's been my choice and it's always okay when we meet up so I thought it was fine.
This week I found out that one of them is having the other two and partners for sunday lunch in a couple of weeks (they don't know I know about this, I saw it written on the calendar in her kitchen). Obviously me and my hubby have been missed out of the invite, which I feel quite gutted by. I haven't felt like this since I was at school!
I think it's best not to say anything about this, but I know that if any of them found out that they'd been not invited to something that was arranged within the group they'd be gutted too.
Am I being unreasonable, and I'm right thinking I should just get on with this and keep my gob shut aren't I?

OP posts:

MollieO · 07/03/2009 00:24

Baby college was one of the classes I (and ds) really enjoyed .

I found it hard to fit in to my NCT group. I missed all the classes because ds was a prem and I was the only single parent. I persevered and made some really good friends but it took a while. I also haven't really got to know school mums as I don't really do the school run. It can be hard sometimes, like school holidays, when you discover everyone has plans to meet up and you don't.

ilovespagbol · 07/03/2009 00:33

YANBU at all - I'd feel the same - its hard putting yourself out there in this new mum social world! Why don't you suggest sunday lunch at a baby friendly place for all mums, partners and babies?

Acinonyx · 07/03/2009 09:20

I did Baby College too. It was just something to do with a young baby - everything else is for toddlers. Met some nice mums that I still see regularly 3 years on. We didn't take it seriously - it was just a bit of fun and got us all out of the house.

poorbuthappy · 07/03/2009 12:31

Why do mums do this to each other?
I feel like this with a load of mums at preschool nursery...they are really open with me and say that they are all going to each others houses for coffee etc, but never invite me.

Surely some of these mums must be Mnetters, do they appreciate how horrible it is? Or is it some right of passage??

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/03/2009 12:38

They obviously get on better as they see each other more and if you're not wanting to spend more time with them and their partners why are you upset that they feel the same?

MrsSeanBean · 07/03/2009 12:52

YANBU. Don't worry about it though. Move on, drop them, try to find other friends.

mazzystartled · 07/03/2009 13:09

Actually I think YAB a bit U.I don't invite all my friends to everything that I do. Especially when partners are involved. I hang out with a "group" of mums who I met at antenatal classes, but I have individual friendships with each of them.

I understand your feelings, but as your posts expand on the situation it seems that you don't actually enjoy these women's company very much. Maybe - actually - you need to make more effort. Don't mean to sound harsh but if they are all doing stuff - to which you have been invited - and you keep turning it down, then you stop being invited iyswim.

Or maybe you just need to find some other mum chums.

alicet · 07/03/2009 13:56

I was in a similar situation a couple of years back with 3 friends from my NCT class. like you I ended up excluded through my own choices (mine were more about nap times and therefore times I was able to meet compared with them) so although it was my fault that I got passed over in time I was also very hurt that they hadn't made more effort to accommodate me sometimes - not all the time but sometimes - so that we could have all remained close.

So I know how hurtful it feels. In my case I have ended up getting much closer to other mums as a result and no longer mourn these friendships - some friendships are for life or the long haul whereas others are very intense for short periods of time then for whatever reason fizzle out. Each have a role to play.

Good luck

MarlaSinger · 07/03/2009 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

womma · 08/03/2009 10:25

Sorry to hear that Marla, but you've got us love xxx

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 10:31

It is very hurtful but you just have to rise above it and move on.

TsarChasm · 08/03/2009 10:36

Yanbu

Similar happened to me a while back with a group of good friends who kept referring about having 'friends for dinner'

I finally sussed out they meant each other! Lovely

Iirc I was even asked to babysit once whilst one prepared for her dinner party guests later that evening.

I cooled off big time with them all once I realised. We're still friends but I don't think I ever really felt the same after that. I have firmer friends who would not treat me like that.

traceybath · 08/03/2009 10:41

YANBU. I must say if i was the host i'd have invited everyone - its a bit like leaving one child out of a class for a birthday party in my opinion.

I'd stay friendly with them but as others have suggested perhaps look for some other mummy/baby friends too.

traceybath · 08/03/2009 10:41

Blimey tsar - thats really insensitive - actually no what your friends did was mean and bitchy.

Original poster

womma · 08/03/2009 10:45

Tsar that's outrageous! Cheeky flamin' mare!
I think there's rather a lot of these people about, don't you? Glad I'm not one of them is all I can say.

OP posts:

TsarChasm · 08/03/2009 10:48

I thought so too.

We're all still friends but I never forget things like that. I am ok for coffee it seems but I'm not in the inner circle for dinner parties.

It's ok really though. I don't mind the occasional dinner party but they used to be at it every week. I wouldn't have been able to keep up the momentum.

Original poster

womma · 08/03/2009 10:48

Thanks Tracey, I agree with you entirely. There's a whole world of lovely people out there for me and DD to make friends with!

OP posts:

debs40 · 08/03/2009 10:50

YANBU - yes, the best way to deal with it is to not take it personally, rise above it etc etc but I don't treat people like this and wouldn't expect to be treated like this.

Some people, however, like exclusivity and find it more difficult to function in bigger groups. They like to compartmentalise friends and keep them in their boxes - these are my friends from the NCT, these are my friends from baby boolockx gym/massage etc, these are my pre-baby friends - and never the twain shall meet.

You can try inviting them back to your house but it may well be that they are moving in a different direction.

New friendships can be fickle! Sorry, it's not very comforting I know, but it's perhaps a measure of the people you are dealing with

onadietcokebreak · 08/03/2009 11:01

I meet lots of new friends at antenatal yoga and the under 1s group I went to. I was always careful to include the quieter shyer ones in meets up and often held open house meet up.

Three of the women who met up through me have now gone off into a little clique which was hurtful at first however now Im glad they have! I found their smugness tiresome. (they are SAHM and I work). They also started to live in each other pockets and exclude a couple of other mums. When I realised that I probably wouldnt have chosen to be friends with them pre baby I decided to remain amicable but not go out of my way.

I have about 7 good friends through the baby group days. All of which are people I would have chosen to be friends with and are my kind of people. We all give each other equal support and advice. There is no bitching, one up man ship or smugness. They are the sort of friends you need.

The point Im trying to make is you need to sometimes go to lots of different groups etc and make friends with lots of different people. Then as the months go on you realise who your true friends are.

Bumperlicioso · 08/03/2009 11:03

OP, while YANBU I suppose neither are the other mums. It's a hard lesson to learn that you are not always invited to things. I say this as someone who gets very upset when left out of things! I have complete paranoia that no one likes me. I wished that I had done NCT classes as without them it was so hard to make friends. Though it sounds like a bit of a minefield.

Am I the only one who wants to cry at the baby college website. I completely understand that when you have a young baby you will go to anything to get out of the house and meet people - but Baby College? Just the name sends shivers down my spine! And the blub is just designed to make you feel like you would do a shit job of bring up your baby on your own. Grrr!

Sorry, that is completely beside the point. OP I completely understand how you feel and my response would probably be to organise something myself and invite everyone.

SamVimesIsMyHero · 08/03/2009 11:04

YANBU I have two good friends who are friends with another two friends (who I know but am not particularly friendly with). Found out the other day that all of them (except me and my dh) went out together for dinner at a local v. posh restaurant. They all have loads of money whilst me and dh, whilst comfortably off, don't. I couldn't help feeling a bit p*ssed off that we weren't included even though I wouldn't have wanted to go (lol!)
You just wonder WHY they wouldn't even ask us (even if we said no) or maybe do something we could all enjoy. YARGH! I hate this stuff. Anyway YANBU and I know how you feel!

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 11:28

'Am I the only one who wants to cry at the baby college website.'

NO, I was intrigued so had a look. I am glad that mine are older and babies were free to be babies!
I would just widen your circle of friends.

Bumperlicioso · 08/03/2009 11:37

But see piecesmoon, that's the hard bit - widening your circle of friends, when the only way to make new friends is to spend a fecking fortune on Monkey Music, Baby College, Aqua Tots or the like! These things just make me so mad as they are such a con. But it is hard to make friends otherwise. I've started forcing myself to go back to toddler groups on the day that I am off, fortunately I have found a really nice one, but I find it so excruciatingly hard to make friends at these things, which is odd because pre baby I was never shy and can talk to anyone, but I seemed expelled my self esteem along with the placenta

debs40 · 08/03/2009 11:45

Bumperlisco - I sympathise as I found this after I had my first son. It was very hard to go traipsing round to all these groups and sit through hours of tedium (often) to try and pally up with people who seemed decent. Quite often it seemed like everyone knew each other and even if I was open to making new friends, they weren't!

I was living in a completely new area too. Also, I am self-employed and work from home so didn't have that work network of friends to rely on. I found that following non-baby routes to friend making was more constructive - just doing things that I was interested in (voluntary work, local politics, book groups etc)whatever it is.

There's something about being a mum and trying to find new friends which brings out the worst in people - excluding others, bitching etc etc. This sort of thing goes on in the playground all the time!

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 11:50

I found that if I went to several toddler groups then I could start a conversation having seen someone at another one and then you can free meet ups at the park etc. The NCT was really good because you went to someone's house and they can't ignore you. The library does things for free. It isn't easy -they can be a bit cliquey- but OP is going to get upset in the future if she relies on the one little group for friendship.

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