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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To distance myself from friend who makes snidey remarks about my DC?

31 replies

princesstoxic · 04/03/2009 19:43

I have namechanged. I have known this friend for a couple of years and been friends for about a year. We have children of similar ages. Every now and again, out of the blue she will make a snidey comment about my DC ie her DS has been hanging about with my DS too much and that is why her DS is being cheeky. They don't even see much of each other and don't play together at school!
Now before you think I am being precious, I fully accept that my DC are not angels and will often talk about how they are driving me mad. AIBU and what would you do? BTW I have never been in this situation before and generally thought that people did not say negative things about other people's DC to their faces at least!

OP posts:

Pinchypants · 04/03/2009 19:48

Ooh, this would give me a bad feeling in my tummy! I wouldn't like this and would probably see (much) less of anyone who made unjust negative comments about my kiddies, especially if I hadn't known them that long. If they weren't a great friend (and what great friend wouldn't keep their mouth shut or not even think that stuff?) I wouldn't even bother tackling them head on. Cheeky mare.

Original poster

princesstoxic · 04/03/2009 19:49

I have thought about having 'words' but I don't think it is worth it!

OP posts:

wotulookinat · 04/03/2009 19:51

I have been in this situation and I just bit my tongue at the time. With hindsight, I wish I had said something. Could you calmly have a word?

nametaken · 04/03/2009 19:52

I don't know why princesstoxic but I think almost every single mother I know has met this type of person. They are nothing but snidely little PITAs.

See a lot less of her and a bit more of the friends and acquaintances who make you feel good about yourself.

MayorNaze · 04/03/2009 19:52

oh just avoid her. life is too short for "friends" like that.

captainpeacock · 04/03/2009 19:53

Definitely cut them out of your life completely. Parenting is hard enough without other peoples nasty comments. When my dcs were younger I put up with friends who were truly nasty bitches because I was a sahm and didn't want to be lonely. Must say I only managed it for a few months before pride stepped in and I cut them out of my life completely. Honestly people astound me with some of the things they say. I would not dream of being nasty about other people's children. These type of people often stick with their own sort and you can feel like you are the odd one out, but like you I was able to see my dcs faults, but could also see faults in their dcs that they were blind to. This is a form of bullying and I bet you they were bullies at school.

traceybath · 04/03/2009 19:55

is she a good friend or someone you could happily do without?

if the latter, next time she says that her child should spend less time with yours i'd say 'how funny i'd only been thinking the same thing about your child and how they influence my child's behaviour - good to see we're on the same wavelength'.

am hoping she at least doesn't say it in front of the children.

warthog · 04/03/2009 19:55

i would not let her get away with it actually. she's not doing herself any favours. eg.

'my ds has been hanging round with your ds too much - he's getting cheeky again'.

'do you think my ds is cheeky?'

then either

'yes'

'why?' - drill down - maybe she has valid point.

'err no it's just a joke, can't you take a joke now?'

'your jokes are crap'

Original poster

princesstoxic · 04/03/2009 19:59

traceybath and warthdog - I wish i was quick thinking and good with words but I might just end up saying something I regret.

I think she is someone I can do without but not happily IYSWIM.

OP posts:

nametaken · 04/03/2009 20:06

captainpeacock I also put up with some nasty bitches because I was a sahm and didn't want to be lonely. I only realise this in hindsight though. I wish MN had been around 10 years ago.

And why oh why oh why is it always the mothers of horrible kids that are so quick to be snidey about other peoples.

Original poster

princesstoxic · 04/03/2009 20:07

"And why oh why oh why is it always the mothers of horrible kids that are so quick to be snidey about other peoples."

LOL.

OP posts:

nametaken · 04/03/2009 20:09

why?

IamAlsoADreamer · 04/03/2009 20:12

Best off without -trust me.
I have actually had the same problem and like others kept letting it slide and then one day-wham-I actually saw what she was doing and cut her off and d'ya know what I do feel better.
Tis hard being a parent as someone else said without someone else judging your kids.

onthepier · 04/03/2009 20:14

I would let the friendship drift, be non-committal about meeting up etc. She does sound very rude!

I had this a few years ago. My son was diagnosed with a speech + language disorder quite early on, + this other mum at the school gates would say, "I can see that my ds is spending a lot of time with yours", + then proceeded to make comments about words her ds was suddenly mispronouncing!

Needless to say I try to avoid her whenever possible!

Pruners · 04/03/2009 20:18

Message withdrawn

ShyTalk · 04/03/2009 20:50

onthepier - what a horrible person she must be. I am not surprised you avoid her. I am only surprised you don't sneak up on her and put a bat up her nightie.

Original poster

princesstoxic · 04/03/2009 20:50

Nametaken

Because one of her DC's behaviour is quite bad at times but i would NEVER say that to her.

OP posts:

StercusAccidit · 04/03/2009 20:56

IMO you have the right to do anything possible to protect your DC's from harm. This woman is harmful either directly (from saying nasty stuff to them) or indirectly (from saying it to you or other people)

No.. YANBU by avoiding her.
I would do what warthog said too cos that would be funny

chegirl · 04/03/2009 21:04

I agree with MayorNaze,
Life is too fricken short to hang around with 'haters' (see how hip I am?)
Why bother with someone who upsets you?

I had a friend who was always blaming my child for her child's behaviour. If they were both running around like nutters she would keep saying 'DS2 stop making [her child] run around like that!' Etc.

I havent seen her for months. I am bearing up pretty well considering

captainpeacock · 04/03/2009 21:22

Nametaker, I too wish MN had been around 12 years ago. I think this kind of treatment goes on all the time. Like you say, why is it that the most outspoken mothers seem to have the most uncontrolled dcs.

Chergirl glad to hear that you are managing without her. Me too! 12 years later and no regrets!

Original poster

princesstoxic · 04/03/2009 21:29

I'm also a SAHM and have'nt got loads of friends but my DC come first - live and learn.

OP posts:

fraggletits · 04/03/2009 21:53

Have so been there! A good few times actually.

I would never say anything negative about somebody elses child to them. I'm not in competition with anyone and I don't enjoy making people feel horrible. I just don't get it.

I had a so called friend say some horrible things about my daughter. It all started when she was the first to start talking out of her little baby friends...leaving this persons (older) son trailing. I got told her voice sounded low! DD's behaviour suddenly started being scrutinised all the time. I was told her son kept having to be told not to eat with his hands like a savage which he'd copied from my DD......aaarggh getting angry now and this was 2 years ago!

Anyway, enough was enough and I just blanked her texts and moved on. Jealous fat bitch was all she was nip it in the bud before it gets worse!

ADealingMummy · 04/03/2009 21:53

I actually confronted a mother (NCT Group), last year for making snide comments about my DD, who isn't even two yet !

I saw her in the supermarket, and told her (very quietly) I felt very unhappy with her comments about my DD. OMG she was sooooo shocked.

Never let anyone put down your children. If we don't stick up for them , noone else will.

captainpeacock · 04/03/2009 22:02

fraggletits you say it all when you say that you dd was the first to start talking. It is all to do with jealousy.

fraggletits · 04/03/2009 22:15

CP - all DD said was 'all gone' when she finished drinking or eating....with her hands like a savage ... She was hardly quoting shakespeare! - this sad person would translate grunts that her son made into adult logical thoughts/feelings - constantly trying to make him seem better than all our kids. So so wierd.

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