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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to stop my son playing with the new boy

75 replies

ThatShittySmell · 02/03/2009 17:56

After the christmas holidays a new boy started DS's school. After a week, DS became obsessed with the boy and they became "best friends" or as DS put it "home boys"

He started talking like that all time, saying he was going out with his homies etc but DH said to let it go and that DS was just trying to act cool.

A few weeks later DS went to this friend's house for tea and came home doing gang sign things with his hands and holding his hand under his shirt as though he had a gun (and also started pretending to shoot people etc). I spoke to DH about it and he said "boys play guns, no big deal" but it wasn't just "playing guns" it was acting out this whole gang thing that was bothering me.

Next a neighbour complained that DS and his friends had been messing around in her front garden. She went out to tell him off and he turned around to her and said "stop tripping". I grounded him for 2 weeks.

Other things that have happened since then are DS and his friend being in trouble at school for calling a couple of girls 'hoes and bitches' and calling people 'muthafucker'. He is now on report for this.

The straw that broke the camels back however was that he went into a shop near us with this boy and opened a can from the fridge and started drinking it. When the shop assistant told them to pay for it immediately and that they shouldn't have opened it first, the other boy replied "chill the fuck out nigga" and DS said "before I pop a cap in your arse".

The shop assistant called the police. Its made even worse as the shop assistant was asian so the nigga comment has been taken as a racial slur.

This is now ongoing but I don't know what to do about the boy. We have been in to the school, they have seperated them during class but say they can't do much more. I don't want my son in any more trouble and I do NOT want him near this boy.

I know its not all his fault but this only started when he came to the school, DS was fine before that.

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 02/03/2009 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ronaldinhio · 02/03/2009 18:41

Does he wear a hankie from one back pocket?

herbietea · 02/03/2009 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wotzy · 02/03/2009 18:46

You need Jeremy Kyle to explain things. I can hear his voice in the distance.

Original poster

ThatShittySmell · 02/03/2009 18:47

Yes ronaldinhio, a blue one.

We don't live in London and there is no (well, very little) gang violence where we live. That is why nobody else seems to be taking it seriously.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 02/03/2009 18:50

I live in London and it never occurred to me for one moment that this is not a real post.

Didn't realise how normal this has become to me!

So sorry for you TST, it puts the fear of God into me.

MillyR · 02/03/2009 19:00

What did the police say?

messymissy · 02/03/2009 19:01

only had time to scan most of the posts on this - can't believe so many find it funny that someone else's ten year old is coming out with this stuff - quite a different thing when you hear it out of the mouth of your ten year old - who are very very impressonable to peer pressure at that age and want so very much to be liked by the 'cool' kids. they egg each other on and it can easily spiral out of control.

i think i would try what one poster has suggested - introduce new after school activities to give him little chance to play with the kids involved. Maybe something that will make him want to emulate a better role model.

my friend's daughter was in a similar position - she now does karate 3 times a week and is full of a confidence she never had before and is keen to keep to rules etc as the karate helps with self discipline and self confidence.

another friend could not get it sorted and is now having to move her son from his school as he was mugged twice by a rival 'gang' of 12 year olds - they live in croydon.

good luck.

screamingabdab · 02/03/2009 19:06

What messy messymissy said, especially activities with male role models, as at this age I think they (whether they have a dad at home or not), really need them.

My 8 year old DS1 does Cubs, not very "street", but they do cool activities like camping, go-carting and climbing. He doesn't do this with school friends, and I think that gives him the opportunity to be a different boy, away from the role he has adopted at school.

kormachameleon · 02/03/2009 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ultimatewoman · 02/03/2009 19:23

"DH would never allow our kids to go to a house if we didn't fully know the parents so YANBU to stop her from going."......Is what the OP posted on my thread 'Am I being Unreasonable To not want DD to visit 'friends' house?'

Seems a bit fishy to me....(Or am I being unreasonable?).

nomoreamover · 02/03/2009 19:31

to reiterate many of the other posts on here - he is 10 years old - and for one I wouldn't allow him to go ANYWHERE without adult supervision - especially not a shop or similar where there is just all kinds of temptation.

Sorry - you are probably worried sick about him and us telling you its your fault is not the way to go about helping you

Listen to what others have said on here and get him into some seriously supervised activities like karate and cubs etc - karate particularly is excellent at instilling self respect and discipline. Lucky for you you don't have any real gang issues near you - if you did your DS would be in one by the sounds of it. Ask the police if they can be really stern with him verbally to try and put the fear of god in him (although if you can avoid a record that'd be advisable) and as for privledges - he has none. No going out without an adult, no seeing this boy, no PC no playstation xbox whatever and get him playing with other children - maybe at your house so you can keep an eye on him.

Good luck - battle down the hatches and stand your ground - he is NOT going out alone and he is not hanging around with this kid. The end.

Seriously - good luck

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 19:38

You have to come down on your DS like a ton of bricks and make him take responsibility for what he does, every time.e.g I would have set up a meeting with the shop assistant and got your DS to apologise and ask what he could do to make amends-in the same way get a meeting at school where he apologises to the girls. Make sure that he knows that he is not to use that sort of language at home. Do not let him go to the boys home. Make sure that he is separated in the classroom. I would get a notebook where any playtime incidents are written down so that you can insist on him writing letters of apology.
If you don't clamp down now he will be a nightmare as a teenager.

toddlerama · 02/03/2009 19:38

No gang affiliation is funny. Confiscate his blue hanky and tell him he isn't old enough for that crap.

Depending on how "old" a 10 year old he is, you could do some research online (vet all of it - some is horrific) to show him what he is actually supporting with this stupid game (which hopefully it still is).

I worked in LA prisons as part of my masters program, and the worst, most violent sociopaths were gang members. Not trying to scare you more as you are obviously taking it seriously, but you need to stamp it out now before it goes further.

As other posters have suggested, saturate his time with other things so he isn't at a loose end and looking for company in the wrong places. Tell the school you don't want them sat together.

ultimatewoman · 02/03/2009 19:43

"DH would never allow our kids to go to a house if we didn't fully know the parents so YANBU to stop her from going."......

Is what the OP posted on my thread 'Am I being Unreasonable To not want DD to visit 'friends' house?'

Seems a bit fishy to me....(Or am I being unreasonable?).

MumsyPiemaker · 02/03/2009 19:53

I can't understand why a ten y.o has so much freedom to get into this kind of mischief anyway. Surely at ten a child should not be walking around in the street? When I originally read your post I thought you were talking about a teenager.

The other boy is no angel, but lets face it, what has been going on with your DS in the past ten years, for him to be so easily influenced in such a short space of time? Who were his friends before the new boy came? Where are they now? Is your DS normally allowed to go into shops on his own, unsupervised?

Your DS is 10 - you are responsible for where he goes, what he does, who he talks to. It is very easy to try and blame another person for your DS behaviour - but as his mother, who presumably has known your DS all his life, you are responsible - not another 10 year old boy who has only been in you DS life for a short space of time.

chipmonkey · 02/03/2009 19:59

If this were my ds, he would be grounded and not allowed to see this boy. I have grounded ds1 and stopped him visiting a friend for much milder behaviour than this and he's 12.

troutpout · 02/03/2009 20:03

Agree with scummy and Reality

georgimama · 02/03/2009 20:08

No idea whether OP is pissing around or not, but if this was my son he wouldn't leave the house without me or his father, except to go to school, until he was 18. He would be grounded for ever.

Ton of bricks (how I love that phrase) approach is the only way to go as pisces said.

SerendipitousHarlot · 02/03/2009 20:11

georgimama I've been reading your posts since I started posting yesterday. And I think you're me.

sobanoodle · 02/03/2009 20:13

my boys weren't allowed out alone at 10, except to post a letter 100m away.
Simple as that.

Sycamoretree · 02/03/2009 20:14

Messymissy - I'm not saying it's funny if the OPs kids is really doing this, I just said I laughed out loud when I read the post because it seemed like a very well crafted bit of trollery designed to make us snigger.

The OP, as far as I can detect from my basic searching skills has only started posting in the last few days.

And I live in London, FWIW.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2009 20:16

Thatfishysmell

georgimama · 02/03/2009 20:19

Serendipitous, I have been on full rant mode the last few days - am concerned as to what threads you have seen - I do spread myself thinly on MN.

Sycamoretree · 02/03/2009 20:21

Tee Hee Anyfucker

(not changed your name yet then I see )

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