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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want a 15 year old girl I don't know at all to stay at my house for three weeks?

66 replies

emkana · 01/03/2009 23:46

My aunt phoned me from Germany - she has a friend who has a daughter who would like to come to the UK to improve her English... so aunt thought of me... [sigh]

aibu to not want some teenager moping around my house for three weeks?

OP posts:

moondog · 02/03/2009 00:06

I'm genuinely shocked and saddened that Emkana has spent more than 20 seconds thinking about this.

TheFallenMadonna · 02/03/2009 00:07

Well, I would say the same as ponders and spidermama, but I'm also wondering how many friends with teenage children your aunt and other family members have. And once the word is out...

bellavita · 02/03/2009 08:21

My aunt used to have german students to stay every year so they could improve their english.

Cammelia · 02/03/2009 08:30

"some money towards food" is not enough for putting up a completely unrelated stranger for 3 weeks

It will be the longest 3 weeks of your life...............

duchesse · 02/03/2009 08:34

Depends very much what the girl is like. We have done this with a variety of children from a variety of countries and it has very rarely been anything other than delightful. Only once did I decide I really wanted to strangle send the little bugger back after three days. Parents not to send children if they know they're not civilised enough. Plus even surly teenagers make an effort in someone else's house.

Alternatively, ask around the playground if anyone would like a penfriend for their 15 yr old, and broker the dealer rather than play host.

kitbit · 02/03/2009 08:35

What about less time? 3 weeks is AGES. And she will probably be homesick. A week-10 days should be plenty and that's not so daunting?

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:37

Why not find out more about it. e.g what is the girl like-some teenagers are delightful!
What would you be expected to do with her? Would you get money for keep? Is she good with children? It could be very useful to have someone to keep your DCs entertained in a holiday period.

ChippingIn · 02/03/2009 08:39

LOL I would have said yes immediately, I think it would be great. When I was about 6/7 we has 2 (female) German exchange students (Mum got talked into it as the neighbour had been 'double booked'), I still remember them well and feel sad that we lost contact with them after a few years. My parents enjoyed it too and I think if we'd had a spare room we probably would have done it again. Most teenagers are lovely when they are with other people, even if they aren't at home. Much to be gained I think. Why not (as someone else said) suggest 2 weeks if you aren't too convinced you could do 3.

frogs · 02/03/2009 08:45

Emkana -- I've done this, and have lots of Gm relatives, so no doubt more to come.

FWIW:

(1) blood relatives are one thing, friends of friends etc quite another. I've generally said yes to cousins (and I have a big extended family) but friends of relatives etc is a whole nother ballgame. Not okay unless they're friends of yours, or you happen to have a child the same age who is in need of an exchange themselves.

(2) unless you're geared up for teenagers, both you and the 15yo will be miserable. You're not in entertaining teenagers mode, plus you have no other teenagers handy that said 15yo can go out with to cinema/swimming/bowling etc. Even if you make shitloads of effort, it's still not going to be that much fun for anyone, and more to the point she's not going to learn much english anyway.

(3) 17yo+ is another ballgame cos you can put them to work in an aupair-type way, but I'm guessing that's not what they're offering?

(4) tell aunt all of the above, and tell her to get her friend to investigate some age-appropriate opportunities for the girl, viz summer schools for international students at UK boarding schools, EF-type language courses or UK activity holidays (PGL-type things) which also take non-english speaking kids for language-learning purposes.

Honestly, stay tough. We had a 19yo cousin staying for 6 months when ds was a few months old, and even that was a bit of an effort although she was ostensibly old enough to be useful around the house (ha!). Unless the 15yo is the oldest of a family of 8, in which case the equation might look a little different the whole idea will be doing you and her no favours at all.

Lawks · 02/03/2009 08:47

Oh my god, you bunch of miserable feckers! (Erm, no offence intended ).

We're always open house for anyone who wants to come and stay, no matter how tenuous the connection. What an amazing opportunity for this girl. I know my children will do a bit of sofa surfing when they need to when they're older, and I shall wave them off gladly, knowing I've done my bit by having the children of their hosts to stay previously, and will probably have their grandchildren in future.

Or of course you could just shut the curtains, bolt the doors shut and sit muttering miserably into the television...

Noooo.... join in with the world.

FannyWaglour · 02/03/2009 08:52

Tell them you were thinking of getting an au pair in for the summer, so you wont have room.

If however, this girl would like to stay 2 months, and take on many of the au pairs duties, then fine. But due to her young age, and the fact that she cant take on all the duties of an au pair, she wont be paid.

She wont learn much English over a 3 week period. But if she stays 2 months, and earn her keep, it will benefit you both.

You would need to talk to her first, to find out if she is mature enough to take your kids out to the park, etc.

This will either put them off, or ensure that you have a little helper over summer.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:54

I like the open house approach too Lawks-I think it is great for DCs-you get all sorts of connections and when your DCs are older they can have contacts and possible places to stay in different countries.

duchesse · 02/03/2009 08:54

From memory, German schools only have a few weeks off in the summer (about 4?) so that wouldn't be feasible for a 15 yr old.

FannyWaglour · 02/03/2009 09:00

We also have an "open house". We love guests. It is great for the children. We have friends from all over the world, and when they visit our kids find it enriching.

Stayingsunnygirl · 02/03/2009 09:15

I had the same worries when asked to have my goddaughter, who I hadn't seen since she was a toddler, to stay, but agreed anyway - and it was a great week. She got on like a house on fire with the boys, and she and I had a lovely day out shopping for her birthday present - and I'd happily have her come to stay again.

That said, three weeks is a very long time to have a guest, and whilst I love having guests, I do breathe a bit of a sigh of relief when they've gone and life goes back to normal, so I understand your misgivings, emkana.

I was in a similar situation when I was 17 and doing A level German. My mum arranged for me to spend a fortnight in Germany with a friend of hers, to improve my spoken German, and I appreciated Marlene's hospitality so much - and appreciate it even more now, when I consider how difficult it must have been to have an unknown teenager come into a childfree house (their children had grown up and left home).

noddyholder · 02/03/2009 09:36

I have a bit of an open house policy too and kids love it It brings a good feeling to your home and some teenagers are actually nice!I have done similar and it was fine

2rebecca · 02/03/2009 09:42

I think it depends on you and your partner and your kids enthusiasm for this project which sounds minimal. My kids would like it as they're sec school and enjoy German.
It sounds as though your kids are too young to benefit though if the lass would be possibly "playing" with them. If this isn't something you'd have been keen on without your aunt's intervention I'd say no.
It's also better for the German girl that she goes to a family who are keen to have her and keen to show her around etc.
I think this is a thing you do when your kids are older and even then it can go pear shaped.

admylin · 02/03/2009 10:05

It might not help the teenage girl so much to come to UK and stay in a German speaking houshold - try to talk them out of it that way! Would be better if she found a pen-friend of that age who is learning German. That's how I improved my French as a teenager, I wrote to a girl, she came to stay then I went to her place. You or even she could email the local school and ask the German teacher to get one of his/her pupils to write to her maybe?

castille · 02/03/2009 10:11

This could be a case of mother wanting teenager to improve her English so is hoping to pack her off somewhere against her will

Which would be a total nightmare for all. If you do it, or find someone else who is willing to have her, for goodness sake make sure that the girl actually wants to do this first!

ZZZen · 02/03/2009 11:33

find some good camp/scheme for teenagers. Quick!

ZZZen · 02/03/2009 12:16

actually I agree with admylin. Staying with a German speaking family will not improve her English much, will it? I'm presuming you speak German with the dc at home as a rule.

If she has a particular interest like say music, it would help her more to attend a young musician's course, staying with English speaking teenagers at the camp and having to speak ENglish all day long, if those kind of options are financially within the family's means.

I suppose the point is to get her in an English speaking environmenti nthe hope that will motivate her to want to learn the language more at school

Original poster

emkana · 02/03/2009 12:55

I don't sit in the house with the curtains drawn, rest assured

Thinking about this I feel that I will gladly have teenagers staying over when my own children are teenagers - they can do stuff together then. Whereas now, like frogs says, it would be a mahoosive effort to entertain her.

Good idea to put her in touch with a teenager locally, will get in touch with school.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 02/03/2009 13:04

I think 3 weeks is excessive - a week or 10 days would be do able but 3 weeks is too long. We had an exchange student once (I forced my mum to agree ) and it was not the easiest thing in the world as she was a bit odd but it was only for a week.

Libra · 02/03/2009 13:15

We had a 15 year old Danish boy stay with us for a week last year.

It was fine, for a week, but I really could not have coped for longer.

Plus, DS1 was 14 at the time, so they hung around together, went into town shopping together etc.

Plus DH was putting in a new kitchen, so they both got roped into doing that.

It helped DS1's Danish as well, which was good (DH is Danish) but I am boringly monolingual so the boy got lots of practice with English as well.

It also helped me learn that DS1 is not as untidy or smelly as he could be!!

rookiemater · 02/03/2009 15:45

Am I the only one rendered temporarily speechless by the unpleasant visual imagery of Moondog and Trevor macdonald engaged in vigorous mutual masturbatino.

I mean I have never seen Moondog, but still quite frankly, the mind boogles.

Am off in search of a calming cup of earl grey (decaffinado)

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