to think that dh should give me a rest!!!

[MinkyBorage]

Last week dh went to New York for work on Monday morning, and arrived backyesterday but went straight to work, and came home at 7.30pm last night. I have spent the week hanging pictures, freecycling stuff from the attic, taking stuff to the charity shop, paining bits of furniture and picture frames, making an ikea drawer unit, putting stuff back in the attic, cleaning and tidying etc, and that is only when the dds are in bed. When they have been awake, I have been to ikea, been to look at a bed in an ap't-only antiques place, been to toddler groups and fed them and played with them etc etc. On top of which we received a new bunk bed for them which resulted in an understandably dreadful nights sleep whilst dd2 went from cot to bed. I am absolutely knackered after a week of late nights and early mornings. DDs are 3.4 and 2.1, and I am 8 months pg with dc3.

The week before last he went to Geneva for a conference on the Wednesday, and came back here on Saturday, managing to fit in a days ski-ing.

This morning, dd1 woke up at 4:50, and went back to sleep after a while. then dd2 at 6:20, so I took her downstairs and sat with her until dd1 woke up properly at 7:20, at which point I wen up to get her. brought her in to bed with us and asked dh if he could take her downstairs. DH stayede with dds and gave them fbreakfast. I then got up at 8:50. DH said he thought that we really need to think about getting some help with childcare for when the new baby is born, and that we specifically need help on Saturdays when he is at home .

He does work hard, very hard, but ffs, should he be giving me a bit of a break or not?

He is back in bed now, and he is off to the football tomorrow with clients for most of the day, then bakc to work on Monday as normal.

That doesn't seem very fair to me, no - I would want him to cancel tomorrow and be at home with the dc (not just to 'help', but to spend time with them)

But if a bit of outside help is an option, I would probably consider that for when the baby arrives if he is away a lot with work... but not on a saturday when he is at home!!!

I'm in the process of sorting out trying to get a mothers help or childminder a couple of afternoons a week for after the baby is born, but it hadn't entered my mind that it would be needed on a Saturday. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to get in to an argument about who is the most tired, but then he takes himself off to bed. DD1 has chickenpox too. Grrr.

He's being a bit unreasonable, yes?

You must be bloody shattered

SOunds like my DH!

He works in Russia all week every week, expects the place to be PERFECT when he gets home and often socialises at weekends...

But, as you say, it's with clients - so it's something he has a total choice over. I'm assuming he can't cancel for no good reason (I know my DH goes to football, rubgy, F1 etc., and it's EXPECTED he go if he's needed)

Don't argue about it - you are both tired in very different ways and they are incomparable so you will just go round in circles.

Yes, get a mothers help or a housekeeper and DO suggest that he spends one day with the kids without you (present this as quality time for him with the kids, rather than quality time at the shops for you!

Sorry about the CP - there's a lot of it going around at the mo.

When DC3 was 4 months old, DH was made redundant -then when he went back to work we got regular hwlp at his suggestion because he didn't want to compromise his job by coming home early to help me out, or skimping on extra work and travel.

If help is on offer, I'd grab at the chance - but in my experience you can write off any chance of help or input from your DH for the whole weekend if they've crossed a time zone or two the previous week.
It's not as if he's doing it for a hobby, and, granted, you did a lot while he was away (much more than I ever would), but that was your choice, so maybe you could try measuring your own activities more so that you don't feel so drained when he gets home.

Blimey, you certainly need some help and some rest but not from a mother's help but from your DH!!! You must be absolutely exhausted! I moan about my DH frequently but he wouldn't dream of leaving me to do everything, especially if I was eight months pregnant. I think you need to spell it out to him that you are both parents and he needs to help you out right now.
(Shakes head in disbelief at the DH going back to bed mid-morning)

Well, if Minky's DH is anything like mine 'measuring your own activities' isn't going to be easy to achieve.

My Dh does expect me to be able to keep the house in perfect condition and coming home to a sink full of kitchen / unwashed floors / dirty laundry / unclean bed clothes would not be the best plan for a harmonious weekend

I wouldn't swap him for the world though

But even pre-dc DP never came home to a home in 'perfect' condition

I think the fact that he is offering to get some paid help in shows that he acknowledges how tired you are and that seems fair enough to me. As long as both of you get some rest and free time, if you can afford paid help, then go for it. This stops either of you feeling like the other partner's rest/free time is coming at the expense of yours.

If you werent 8 months pregnant I would agree that you are both tired in different ways.But that puts a different slant on it.When I was tht pregnant with DD2, DD1 was 16 months old and I found it a huige strain lokking after just her.DH went to Paris for 3 days for week and I was livid.But he sure has hell pitched in when he got back!
When you are big it is just more physically hard thus you get more tired.He should most certainly give you a break these last few months at the very least till the baby comes and if you can afford it get help for afterwards in the week and on Saturdays if he really feels he wont be able to help.(though im not sure I would want someone else there when we are having our onloy bit of family time in the week)

There is no argument to be had about who is more tired at the moment.Its you.Unless his work involves lugging a large weight around with him all day and night and having to cope with two small and I assume very active children on no sleep.

My DH and I both work.We have the argument about who is more tired all the time.But we literally do do everything 50/50 so its a more even discussion (but equally as pointless )TBH I find Im less tired from a day at work sometimes than I am when I have been alone with the DD's

God there some shits out there.

Is it just me who interprets "I don't want to get into an argument about..." as "I'm right but you're clearly too unreasonable to see it."

So, you have 2 pre-schoolers, are 8 months pg, been doing heavy-duty chores in addition to your daily routine, you've effectively been a single parent all week with the prospect of it continuing over the weekend.... and you ask if you're being unreasonable. Er.....NO YOU ARE NOT. My DH would have had short-shrift by now. If he recognises the need for help so he can sit around guilt-free at the weekend, then he should surely have the decency to see that you need a break too.

For starters, I would let him know, when he swans upstairs for a lie-down, that you will be expecting to match it, minute-for-minute, this afternoon, while he sorts his DDs out. AND IT'S NOT HELPING YOU OUT either!

Sorry, I missed the bit about you being 8 months PG (I just read PG).

I have to say, when I was PG with DS, I was constantly shattered and didn't have two other DC to look after!
Clam - I do appreciate your point, but how would YOU feel if your DH expected to earn money - pound for pound - that he does...

I have one friend whose DH feels like that and I think that's horrid. I do expect my DH to work hard so that I can stay home with my DS... He expects that, in return, when he is at home, he can relax in a clean house.

Personally, I think it's a good deal and it works for us.

i suggest you take up the suggestion to get help fast before the new baby is born. esp help with cleaning. it sounds as though your dh has a full on workload, all the travelling and hospitality may seem an enviable escape from your daily grind but it probably isn't and you most probably are feeling lonely, unsupported and thus resentful.
talk it over with dh, make an action plan of what help you need/ can afford to get through this difficult time and be ready for the new baby

as for saturdays, maybe he should aim to spend some time with the kids as they haven't seen their dad all week?

If I was off all day and DH was the sole earner then of course the house and dd's would be my domain.I wouldnt mind that at all.But at weekends we would still share the work (as we did when I was on mat leave)One would have a later lie in one day the other the other and so on.
Being at home and being at work are both still work iyswim.So both still merit a break.
But add being heavily pregnant into the mix and the balance shifts.The pregnant one should get more rest because her body is under added pressure.
What would happen if you just decided to get back into bed OP?

Absolutely agree that the '8 month PG' changes everything.

Just gettting up, washed and dressed made me ready for a nap!!!

That said, when I was 8 months PG, my DH once didn't come home in 3 weeks cos he had to 'socialise' at the Barcelona GP....

The only time he took heat because of it was when he sent me photos of the pit lane babes That was not appreciated!!!

Minky - give yourself a break! You're 8 months preg and doing way too much. Your DH is likely to carry on travelling and escaping from exhausting childcare doing fun important client stuff. Tell him he's absoutely right (i assume he's paying) and get YOU some help with the cleaning and childcare. But seriously STOP. The important thing is you and the baby - NOT painting the furniture!

Thanks for replies. He has just got up adn is pissed off that we've had lunch without him, and is telling dd1 that he was going to take us out for lunch but "you've already had it!". I don't know what he's going to eat!

I've been working flat out to sort out the flat because we've got a lot to do before the baby's born, rooms being moved about annd changed, a new floor in the attic etc etc, it's by no means normal housework, but I do take the point that I perhaps should have got a bit more rest instead.

Harribsmummy, he sounds like your dh when you say that him coming back to a mess wouldn't make for a very harmonious weekend, it would be a problem. However, the place is not immaculate by any means, it is bearable, but certainly a work in progress right now, which he hasn't complained about, he'd get short thrift if he did though.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It seems that hubby is better at you at drawing boundaries and taking care of himself, his suggestion of help is a great idea, take him up on it. And YOU take care of yourself, your list of what you did was a long one, but a lot of it was (sort of) voluntary. Please don't take this as harsh, as not intended to be, but you seem to have clearly deliniated roles and he is working hard, as are you, I think he would be wrecked if he took on extra in helping you, SO hire someone, or do less. Also he is not a mind reader, and would have his own stuff at the forfront of his mind, if you need help, support, a cuddle. TELL HIM. Men love it when we make is clear to them what exactly they can do to help, us getting toushy or bolshy just confuses them.

Haribo.... are you saying that being a SAHM means you're to be on duty 24/7 with no relief, whilst he goes out to work during the week (mainly) yet gets the rest of this time "off"? In my view (and, thankfully, DH's) we each split our time 4 ways: 1) earning money outside the home for all our benefit, 2) looking after the kids, 3) taking care of the household chores and 4) leisure or relaxation time for us all. All of those things are valued equally, regardless of who does them.

Hang on, the OP's DH isn't going off travelling - he's working to support the family, which involves travelling an getting jet-lagged and stressed about makng connections.

I agree it's horrible when Daddy comes home and is effectively out of action all weekend, but sometimes that's just how it has to be.

As I and others have pointed out, clearing lofts and looking at beds is optional extra activity, and this DH doesn't seem to expect a great deal domestically.

There's nothing wrong with going back to bed for a few hours when you've just returned from NY - what is he, Superman?

Take the offer of paid help and use the time this frees up to either do family pursuits at weekends, or encourage him to take the older ones out while you're with the new one.

I've just re-read and mamamila said it much more nicely than me.

Likewise, there should be no problem with an 8-months pregnant woman going to bed for a few hours either. She's been short of sleep too this week.

But I agree about the "optional" activities. She really needs to slow down, and only do the essentials. Lofts can wait.

DH used to go to London for work about every 4 weeks, for up to 3 days (he's a muso, so he gigs in the evenings). He would drive back on the 4th day, 'recover' for that evening, sleep until lunchtime the next day, and take things quietly for that afternoon/evening, sleep until lunchtime again the next day, rest that afternoon and then go out and gig (locally) that evening... and so it would go on.

After he had done this about 5 times, I pointed out to him that, yes, he had a hard weekend in London, but if he took 3-4 days to get over it, then I would have had a really hard week and when was I going to get a rest and a chance to recover from his weekends away?

Take him up on the childcare/help offer, but get a cleaner for weekdays, childminder/home help/whatever for the time he's not around. Keep the weekends for family as much as poss and let him know that you expect him to spend some quality time with his children or he will look around one day and they will be teenagers and he won't know them.