Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not leave my DS (3) at a birthday party on his own?

33 replies

mylifemykids · 28/02/2009 09:58

I asked MIL to have DD while I took DS (nearly 4) to a birthday party next weekend. She looked at me with complete confusion and asked what I would be doing while she's got DD and DS is at the party. When I told her I would be staying with him she looked very at me and said she didn't understand why!

The party is in a pub (a bit strange for a 4 year old's party but each to their own I guess!), DS has never been there before and the majority of the other parents will be staying.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 28/02/2009 10:00

Not at all.

None of dd's peers were left at parties at that age. They are all turning 5 now and most parents still stay, although some of the more confident children are now being left.

My dd will probably want me to stay for some time yet, she's 4.8

Reallytired · 28/02/2009 10:00

It does seem to be a strange location for a party. Under the circumstances I would be wary of leaving my son.

However I left my son at parties on his own at a similar age. I think it was good for his emotional development. It depends a lot how well you know the parents and how confident your child is.

bigcometobedeyes · 28/02/2009 10:07

No not at all. I habe always stayed with my DS at parties and all the parents stayed with their DC's when I hosted my DS party recently. I envisage staying with him at parties for many years to come too.

The only exception is if he was a few years older and I was taking a turn with a 'trusted' parent in kind. The most I have on this score is allowing my friend to take my DS to loo whilst she took her DS (both firends the same age, when we are out and about)

I think parenting has changed so much and is largely influenced by the media that it is the way things are now. Also I find some people forget what its like to have small children to think about.

I wouldnt want to miss seeing my DS have fun anyway!

Original poster
mylifemykids · 28/02/2009 10:10

The way I see it is, DS has only been at nursery with these children for 4 months. He knows the children but not the parents. If I just dropped him off and told the parent of the birthday boy that I wasn't staying and for them to keep an eye on him, would they even remember?!! I can imagine DS just wandering around on his own looking for someone he knows and trusts and not finding them.

I didn't think I was being unreasonable but the way MIL looked at me made me feel neurotic!!

OP posts:
Devongirl · 28/02/2009 10:11

MILs always have different ideas in my experience - most of the time I ignore my MIL's advice I'm afraid! Just do what you feel is right and don't be pressured into doing something you feel uncomfortable with. I just offer to help out at parties - most people normally are happy to accept that - and then you won't feel like your there just to watch DS, but to supervise food/bouncy castle/drinks etc whatever needs doing, (while keeping a sly crafty eye on DS at the same time). YANBU!

mustsleep · 28/02/2009 10:21

YANBU ds is 7 and I still stay with him at parties, a few parents will leave their kids but most still stay

It makes it easier on the party host imagine having to look after 20 kids on your own!!

ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 10:22

YANBU

With LO (3 years), I stayed at the first couple of nursery school friends parties, but when I'm there she's back and forward and not really 100% joining in. She's with these kids from 9-12 (minimum) everyday and is fine, so as far as she's concerned being left at the party is no different to being left at school. I always check with the parents and leave my mobile number, so far all have been fine with her being left. I'd say around 70% of the kids are left at these parties. One Mum even said it was nice not to feel so 'watched' and like you have to entertain the parents as well.

However, you have to do what you feel is right AND in the setting you described (pub not hall/house) I'd stay too...

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 28/02/2009 10:23

If the party is 'at a pub' it's going to be one of those places that has a back room or upstairs room done out as a softplay area BTW (these are great for kids parties as all the parents can have a nice drink to take the edge off being in a luridly coloured room rammed with howling, baying, thundering pre-schoolers).
At 3 most parents stay with their DCs - I certainly did when we went to parties like this, partly because at the first one we went to, DS was still in nappies and I thought it way too much to expect another parent to change him if he shat.

Hulababy · 28/02/2009 10:30

I think it is VERY common for parents to remain with children at parties at least up until school age (so 5th birthday parties) and often int the year after that.

I would not have left a 3 year old at a party on their n unles I knew the family very well and it was in their own home.

In a pub - which I have no problem with venue (been to ones at Charlie Chalk style befpre and also ones in private rooms in pubs) - I would def stay at that age, I would in any public venue at that age.

christywhisty · 28/02/2009 10:34

My Ds's 4th birthday was at a pub, so not a strange place to have it. They had a nice kids menu and a play area outside, and we hired an entertainer in the back room.
I think most parents stayed, but I wouldn't have expected them to.

ABetaDad · 28/02/2009 11:01

I would not leave a child of 3 at a party in a strange place he/she did not know.

jazzandh · 28/02/2009 11:04

Most parents I know stay at this age (DS 4.5) but I was left at parties from 2.5! My Mum said I was happy to go off - think she was quite hurt actually. So perhaps it's a generational change!

lizziemun · 28/02/2009 11:58

I have only left dd1 (just 5yrs) at birthday parties a couple of times and only when they are at freinds houses.

When in halls and pubs with play areas i have always stayed it what i feel comfortable with.

plonker · 28/02/2009 12:02

YANBU at all!!

I wouldn't dream of leaving a 3yo alone at a party!

My eldest dd was 7 before she allowed me to leave her. My second dd is almost 6 and I left her alone for the first time at a party last week.

I would be more at a parent leaving their 3 yo than at the parent staying ...

Gorionine · 28/02/2009 12:08

I think it all depends on how you and himself feel about it.Ask yourself these questions befor and then decide: Is it his first birthday party?
-Is he shy?
-Did he ask you to stay?
-Do you feel confident to leave him?
-Do you trust the other parents to keep an eye on him if anything happends?
-Is he on a special diet that needs someone to help him choose only the foods he is allowd?

piscesmoon · 28/02/2009 12:11

I would stay at that age, unless it is a family that they are used to going to on their own. I am a bit surprised that anyone would stay with a 7yr old! By that age they need a bit of independence.

DontCallMeBaby · 28/02/2009 12:15

YANBU. I think you can leave a child at a party at that age, pub or not, but only if they're happy to be left (DD at nearly 5 is not), confident in their toilet use, and ideally under the charge of a specific adult. Most parents left their 3/4yos at my friend's DD's 4th birthday last year, and she was horrified - none of them checked that she was happy to have them left in her charge, and no one left a contact number. The best thing, I think, is when a particular parent, familiar to the child, is left to keep an eye on the child as well as their own child.

plonker · 28/02/2009 12:15

piscesmoon - Yes, I agree, I didn't want to stay with my 7 yr old ...she just wouldn't let me leave!! She was a very sensitive and shy child. I'm pleased to say that I no longer have to stay, thank goodness (she's 9!!) lol

piscesmoon · 28/02/2009 12:20

If she wants you stay then fine, Plonker-I wouldn't force the issue, let them do it in their own time. I was imagining that you were a controlling Mum who hovered to check that she didn't eat anything outside your approval!!! I think people know their own DC best and should be guided by the DC.

racmac · 28/02/2009 12:51

YANBU I have just left DS8 at a party at a pub and wondering if he is ok no way would i leave my ds3 at a party on his own and definately not at a pub

Fairynufff · 28/02/2009 13:35

YANBU at all!

We wouldn't leave our sensible 7 year old DD in a pub on her own no matter how many mums and adults are around.

An 11 year old girl was raped in the toilets of a very busy Sainsburys near us not too long ago... You never know who is around looking for an opportunistic moment with a lone child. 3 is virtually a baby and I would even feel unhappy about leaving them alone at a friend's house party.

CantSleepWontSleep · 28/02/2009 13:56

YANBU re not leaving ds, but is there some reason why you can't take dd with you too?

seeker · 28/02/2009 14:12

I wouldn't leave a 3 year old, but I wouldn't expect to stay with my 7 year old.

TheCrackFox · 28/02/2009 14:15

Wouldn't leave my 3 year old but my 7 yr old would be mortified if I stayed.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/02/2009 14:36

it all depends if your child wants you to stay - my 3yr is happy and wants to stay at partys by hiself, but generally they are in a hall with an entertainer and he knows the people at the party

agree that if every parent left their child,the birthdays childs parents would then have 10+ children to look after.and having 10 3yrs is a nightmare

normally it says on the invite whether to drop off/parents/siblings welcome

is this pub a charlie chalks or a brewsters/brewers fayre?

if so then yes is in a pub but in the middle of pub there is a soft play centre , with doors that lock and children are given a plastic sleeve thing which is tagged, so they cant escape through the door without alarms going off

can you not stay with your dd as well? grab a glass of wine coffee?

are other parents staying?