To think it's preferable to donate to a charity than give lots of unnecessary presents?

[MrsMerryHenry]

DH asked his family not to buy him anything for his birthday because he has far too much unnecessary stuff. He suggested they could make a small charitable donation instead, maybe buy a small goat-type gift for Oxfam, etc. One of his brothers balked at this idea, saying the money given to charities never goes where it's needed. In the end he got lots of expensive pressies that he neither wanted nor needed, and I don't think any charities got anything.

We both found this rather sad. I appreciate that people enjoy giving gifts to people they love, and that in itself is wonderful (and they can buy me diamonds anytime ), but it feels more like the important thing was what they wanted, not what DH wanted.

I think a donation to charity is a fantastic present especially smaller local ones.

I think it's a great idea to give money to charity rather than presents - especially for a grown man who probably has more things he needs and can buy most things he wants (perhaps other than the Ferrari ). Your DH sounds like a lovely man.

Friends of ours requested somethign similar instead of a wedding present, so I donated what I would have spent to charity, but i think they found that some people thought it was an excuse not to put their hand in their pocket full stop!

Even if DH could afford a Ferrari, he still wouldn't buy one! He is rather splendid (though he'd probably quibble over whether I actually needed those diamond earrings, grr).

Like the idea of supporting small, local charities, vjg13.

AH, well it all depends on whether your bil asked your dh what he wanted or whether your dh told him what to buy

If you ask someone what they would like to have as a present, you should give them what they ask for, (even if it is a charitable donation) otherwise, what's the point in asking.

If you don't ask what someone would like but just buy them a gift, then it's really up to the giver to decide.

I'm guessing that your bil asked your dh what he would like to have, then decided, that that wasn't something he wanted to buy. This attitude has always baffled me. So no, YANBU.

Is that as clear as mud?

I keep my charitable donations and my present giving completely seperate.

I would never give a charity gift to someone as a present unless they had specifically asked me too. Would probably still then feel a bit bad about not getting themsomething too.

Also - you have to remember that people chose to spend their wn money on what they like. If you ask for a charity gift you do need to ensure it is a chairty/cause that the person giving would actually chose for themselves as well.

I enjoy choosing and giving presents.

myfunnynametaken, it's as crystal clear as those diamonds I'm keen on!

DH mentioned it to his bro in the context of general a convo about his birthday, so it wasn't something his bro had raised. I think he said something to the effect of not wanting his bro to waste good money on stuff he won't use.

But I find it bizarre that someone would think it's a good thing to buy a gift they know is unwanted. What's the point? And if the one gift that would make DH happy was the knowledge that an impoverished child somewhere had a bit of extra food for a week (yes, I'm tugging at those heart strings!) why should that be so objectionable? Weird.

Hulababy, it feels a bit like having your mother buy you a Fanny Craddock cookbook because it's what she likes, whereas what you actually wanted was Antonio Carluccio. You'd say thanks, then once she's out the door you'd laugh and chuck it in the charity box (ahh, so charities do benefit in the long run! ).

Isn't a gift meant to bless the receiver? If it's for the giver, why don't they just keep it for themselves? When I buy gifts I always ask myself what the other person would most enjoy, rather than making my preferences the important factor.

a little gift for hula

i think the crux of it is that present giving is in the power of the giver. It is never a good thing to tell/request what a gift should be. As the receiver you simply accept graciously, and that's all you can or should do.

It's not in fact 'to bless the receiver' though a good thoughtful gift of course does that....but IMO because it is a gift, it is as much about the giver as it is the receiver, which is why people often have this visceral reaction of being either very offended or very reluctant to being told what to buy.

I think its a great idea, Im having my 40th birthday in April. I have asked for no presents but instead for donations for the school for the deaf where my son goes and also to Winstons Wish which have supported my son since his dad and grandad died.

I think it's more about a difference of opinion about what a gift is for, Leo9. I wouldn't dream of getting someone a gift that I knew they didn't want, it's just bonkers IMO, not to mention a waste of money and the earth's resources. The only party that benefits in such instances is the shop.

But yet as you say some people feel very strongly that their preferences matter just as much as the recipient's. It goes without saying that how one accepts a gift should bear no relation to whether that gift is wanted or not, all well-meant gifts should be gratefully received. But IMO the giver should be equally gracious about the recipient's choices.

I would be thrilled to be able to get someone a charity donation instead of presents - less trekking around the shops and a good karma glow for everyone. Trouble is, you can't dictate what someone gets you, it's completely down to the giver, isn't it?

Weird comment from his brother too - doesn't he trust any charity?

DH and his bro just have very different values. His bro is pretty crap at relating to people, and values material things more than relationships. So with that in mind it wouldn't surprise me if he said all charities should be abolished and people should just fend for themselves .

I agree MrsM, it is highly odd to get people a gift you know they don't want but I do think people sometimes react badly when told what to get or not get. And that's because of the nature of it being a gift! It is simply not up to the reciever to ask, or suggest, or tell people what to buy or not buy as a gift

TBH I think if a relative had said to me "I neither want nor need anything so please save your money and don't buy a gift", I would have been ok with that, but the add-on where he suggests what they should do with their money instead, is just rude, IMHO, though of course with good intentions.

Would you find it rude if the relative said 'please don't worry about getting me anything but if you really want to, then why don't you xyz'. I think that's a bit gentler than just giving instructions. Or would it feel the same to you?

We're thinking about DS's next bday; he's obsessed with a particular, heavily marketed brand and I'm concerned that he already has HEAPS of their stuff already. As kids are so vulnerable to marketing (he's 2) I feel it's important for us to protect him from being sucked into the marketing machine. However my in-laws will not see it this way at all. I'd love to be able to say 'you're so generous yaddayadda please get what you like but our home is overwhelmed with X toys so try not to get any' but I think they'll completely ignore us.

So I think: do I ask, then get angry with them when they ignore our request? (prob not)
Do I ask, then hide the toys from DS when family has gone? (probably)

I think our families should be gracious and understanding and accept that we have genuine and reasonable reasons for not wanting our child to be overexposed to marketers' ploys. We have very different values from them. But knowing them they won't even bother trying to see our perspective.

Sorry, I'm starting to rant.

MrsM I think as parents your attitudes and way of operating will stop him getting sucked in to the marketing machine. You simply cannot control what other people get him. Other people's gifts on one or two days a year will not overly influence him. Your values will be his, whether he gets branded gifts from relatives or not.

There is plenty you can control but I really don't think I will ever think it's ok to try to control what gifts are given you, unless the giver specifically asks you "what shall I get your ds?"

I think your husband's motives are good but I do think YABU.
What your husband has effectively said is "I don't care whether you would normally give to charity or not, I'm going to make you do it because it's my birthday."
His brother has given his reason for not wanting to do this and he's entitled to his point of view.
If your BIL asked for a birthday present only available from a company with an appalling human rights record, would you buy it for him?

YANBU. I think gift giving has become obscene in a lot of cases. I would put the unwanted gifts that your DH has received in a charity shop.

It is my brother's birthday soon and I am getting him some vacuum bags, some pants and some cash. He's younger than me, his job is in jeopardy and he is very stressed about money. I have discussed this present with him and he is very pleased about it. There is one family member hell bent on buying him something he doesn't need or want and there is no persuading them otherwise. It'll end up unused until enough time has elapsed to put it in the charity shop. I just don't know why people buy stuff that other people don't want. I would personally prefer NO present whatsoever. It is wasteful on so many levels.

Re your PILs and your DS's birthday, it sounds like it's a lost cause to make your request. I think just let them give your DS whatever they're going to give him and then after his birthday, undertake a project of slimming down his toys. I also have a 2yo DS and I've found that if he gets more than one present at a time (like Christmas just gone), he'll select which is his favourite and he will love that toy. He will wake up asking for it the next morning, but the other toys will be largely overlooked. You might find that with your DS if the GPs give him loads of presents. For my DS's birthday, I'm going to give him what I have bought him the day before, my mum is going to give him something on his birthday and my brother the day after. That way, he will appreciate each of the 3 presents and they'll all get used.

By Leo9 on Fri 27-Feb-09 15:11:55
i think the crux of it is that present giving is in the power of the giver. It is never a good thing to tell/request what a gift should be. As the receiver you simply accept graciously, and that's all you can or should do.

Very well put.

Asking for the warm glow of giving to charity is as reasonable as any material gift.

And between family who always buy each other presents, I don't think it's wrong to say what you want. It's part of the unspoken agreement between families. I get you something I hope you want, you get me something you think I'd like.

Nothing wrong at all IMO to ask for a charity donation instead, whether the giver likes giving to charity or not.

YANBU.

This reminds me of a conversation I had on here just before Christmas.

My brother wanted a certain gadget for his bike. My husband said "No we're not getting that they're crap and it won't work." I said "but that's what my brother wants". DH said "tough".

Most people agreed DH was being unreasonable.

MrsMerryHenry I take exactly the same viewpoint as you do. If I'm spending money on someone, I want to buy them something they desire. Not something I want them to have, I find that puzzling.

Tanith, I understand the principle of your illustration but it's a rather crude way of illustrating it - only because you've polarised poor human rights against charity!

However let me illustrate my response with a RL example. I love gifts that are nice luxuries - a Lush bath bomb or a nice handcream make great gifts, IMO. A friend of mine only likes totally practical gifts - she once asked her DH for a garden rake, and was thrilled to receive it for Xmas. I hate giving gifts like this, however because I know it will please her, I do it anyway.

If your dh asked for a charity gift, I don;t see no one did what he had asked for.

Next time, he should be much clearer about who he supports and why.

Leo9 I agree with you that there's prob no point in asking family not to buy DS that certain toy, (though tbh there are so many bloody toys available in the shops that if we ask them not to get a particular brand they'll still be spoiled for choice). I think it's indicative of their attitude in general that they have a rather overbearing way of insisting that their way is the only way to do things. If it were my family I don't think we'd have the same prob (DH thinks same).

Which brings me to what I think is the crux of the matter: you've done a jolly good job of trying to persuade me but no matter how you've tred to say it, the idea of refusing to buy someone something they want because you want to get them something else is all about self, self, self. That is in complete contradiction with the whole point of giving a gift to anyone.