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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU but can't help feling strongly about ugly gravestone - please speak words of wisdom to me!

50 replies

Homebird8 · 26/02/2009 21:42

I went to visit my baby son's grave yesterday to find that the little girl buried next to him has had her simple wooden cross replaced with a permanent gravestone. I'm sure it's just perfect for her parents and family and that they've given it a lot of thought through, I'm sure, rivers of tears, but I just think it's ugly.

We went for simplicity for my son's stone and felt what we chose was in keeping with the 14th century church and peaceful village churchyard. This new stone is out of character and of course very permanent.

For the sake of her poor grieving family I wouldn't change it, but for the sake of me and mine I do so wish it wasn't there. The graves are very close together and I can no longer see my little one's stone without the new one being in full view (not a case of out of the corner of my eye I'm afraid).

I am being absolutely unreasonable but I can't help thinking that in 40 years time, when I'm a little old lady, it will still be there, in our place, like Blackpool plonked on the side of Snowdon.

Please can anyone help me see the bright side. Tears come so readily...

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 21:46

Oh I really have no idea what to say, but didn't want to leave the post unanswered xx

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 26/02/2009 21:47

comfort yourself with the thought that they are grieving too

and that you wish them comfort in their time of grief, even if that means they are comforted by a gravestone

sorry for your loss

Original poster
Homebird8 · 26/02/2009 21:49

I don't know what I'm looking for Ivykaty. I just needed to tell someone who wouldn't be made to feel as badly as I do. Thanks for answering. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
mamadiva · 26/02/2009 21:52

Sorry I really don't know what to say either.

Am very sorry about yur DS

BUT as horrid as it sounds I think YABU this family have lost their little girl too and for whatever reason they picked that one for their precious DD, it may not fit in and it may not be pretty to you but to them it is significant as your sons is to you.

Please just focus on getting yourself through this awful time and don't worry about silly little things like this, it can't eb changed there is nothing you can do but respect this family as I'm sure they would you.

I am so sorry and feel really bad for being harsh but it has to be said.

thisisyesterday · 26/02/2009 21:53

aww homebird

i don't think you're being unreasonable... but you know as time heals maybe it will seem a little better. you'll get used to it and you know, it doesn't detract from your sons grave and all that that means to you...

noonki · 26/02/2009 21:54

Hi Homebird,

I am sorry that you have lost your little boy

I have few words of advice other than to suggest that in some way you try and make it into a way of looking at how much difference there is in the world, a difference that your son added to as did the little girl he is by.

Obviously you are aware that both graves will remain where they are and that in reality it a triviality.

However it would upset me too.

In our family when we face difficult times we try and deal with it by making things into a joke. I don't know if this would work for you and I in no way mean to trivialise the loss of your child. But without going
into detail, a family tragedy was ease with gentle humour.

hope someone comes along with some better advice soon.
x

Habbibu · 26/02/2009 21:55

Spending time on SANDS made me realise that people grieve and remember in such different ways. It's easy enough to avoid on a forum, but much harder in the graveyard where your own baby is buried.

Stones weather, though. It won't always look like it does now - it will start to look more "in place" as time goes by. If you wander through another graveyard you'll see all sorts of stones that would have really stuck out when new, but with time and weather they settle in.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy.

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 21:57

As time passes (I have spent a lot of time searching in these places) the stones fade, they fade at different rates and this depends on the stone.

With luck the nieghbouring stone will fade fast through the weather and dimininish as an eyesore, and also with not being the new stone.

I am sorry that this pains you and hope somehow you can in your mind find some comfort. Your baby son - can I ask what was his name?

Original poster
Homebird8 · 26/02/2009 22:00

You are all so kind. You're right about time helping and I certainly don't wish the other family to have something that wouldn't suit them but it simply makes my stomach turn. Perhaps weathering will help but I'm not sure all that sickly ornamentation and the sheer size of it can ever look more subtle.

I'm going to the church on Sunday for my Godson's baby sister's Christening. It's going to be so hard to focus on the wonderful new life just starting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Homebird8 · 26/02/2009 22:02

He was Christian David. It means belonging to Christ, Beloved.

OP posts:
ContainsMildPeril · 26/02/2009 22:04

That little space is his, all his. No matter what goes on around him it will always be so. Just as no matter what distractions go on around you you will never lose him or forget him.

It's still a special and sacred area - honestly. Just as the one next to him is special and sacred to their daughter.

Habbibu · 26/02/2009 22:05

The weathering will make a huge difference over time - I often walk through St Andrews abbey, and you have to really look to see the big ornate ones - they all just blend in in a rather elegant way after a while.

Be gentle with yourself on Sunday. That is a very difficult thing to do, so don't expect too much of yourself.

That said, cuddling my new niece was much more therapeutic than I'd expected after dd1 died - took me a couple of months to work up to it, but it was better than I could have ever hoped.

Original poster
Homebird8 · 26/02/2009 22:06

What words of wisdom. I've been working this over and over in my mind but you are coming up with a new way of looking at it. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 22:08

That is such a lovely name - Christian David. Focus on the new life I expect is not only hard but painful, take faith in your own faith as that will bring you a small comfort and will keep you strong on Sunday x

mamadiva · 26/02/2009 22:13

Beautiful name Homebird

I'm sure you will be fine on Sunday but just don't be too hard on yourself about things just take it one step at a time.

I wish you all the best, have you had time to grieve yourself and do you have a good support network?

There are counselling lines which can eb useful if you need a new POV on things and someone you can talk to whenever you are feeling down.

Original poster
Homebird8 · 26/02/2009 22:13

It's not our own church (we go to a URC chapel) but the one in the village where I grew up. It feels like my history and my future all rolled into one. So many important things for my family and friends have happened there. The last time I was in the church was for a funeral. This time it's a Baptism. The baby's parents were married there too. Time to take a deep breath I think.

OP posts:
noonki · 26/02/2009 22:15

What a beautiful name. I think that the Christening will be another difficult hurdle that you will get through.

I send you all my best for Sunday x

giantkatestacks · 26/02/2009 22:21

Homebird - I know exactly what you mean - please try to take comfort from the children being buried next to eachother though.

My mother is surrounded by toddlers at her graveyard - I used to find this unbearably sad (which of course it is) but she was a nursery nurse and now I find it comforting and right as if she could help them somehow.

snigger · 26/02/2009 22:23

No words of wisdom to add, but I wanted to empathise with the 'grit in your eye', so to speak.

I think your attitude is very gracious at a time when few people can see little but their own pain - I hope the christening goes well, and that your loss, along with the other headstone, mellows and eases with time.

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 22:55

Snigger is so right, you are indeed being so very gracious and Christian would be so very proud of his mummy.

ninedragons · 26/02/2009 23:08

I understand completely - this garish monument suddenly means it is not the same place you chose for your DS.

But the previous posters are right about the weathering. And variety is kind of wonderful - have you ever walked through Pere Lachaise in Paris?

As the shock of this mini-Blackpool (that made me snort - I know exactly what you mean) wears off, you might find comfort to know that you are not alone. There is another family whose aesthetic taste may be worlds apart from yours, but whose grief is exactly the same.

slummybutyummy · 26/02/2009 23:35

Homebird - what a lovely name you gave your son. I'm so sorry for your loss. I do understand that you want your son's grave to be a special place - it still is. Although I too would be upset to find something so garish next to his grave, I'm sure the monument will look better over time. I also think that you may be able to find comfort in the idea that although the little girls family clearly have very different taste to you, she like your baby son was much loved. How awful it would be if her grave was left untended.

I hope that you have lots of support for Sunday - I admire your strength in going and am sure that your godson's family do too x

BalloonSlayer · 27/02/2009 08:10

Homebird I am so sorry for your loss.

What a shame the other gravestone is so ugly. I can't help but wonder if it conforms to the churchyard regulations? We have quite strict ones for our churchyard, anything even slightly out of the ordinary has to go through a ridiculously complex procedure to be approved, and even then I get the impression something like you mention would definitely not be allowed. (If anyone is interested, churchyards have different rules to cemeteries, and are far stricter.)

Obviously you would have to tread carefully as you don't want to upset anyone who is feeling as awful as you. But would it be worth asking for a copy of the churchyard regulations (I'd have thought there would be some) and seeing whether you think it conforms. Or perhaps you could ask a friend to ask for you?

Having said all that, I would not have thought someone would be able to get this far with a monument that was deemed unsuitable.

Hope all goes well on Sunday.

LucyEllensmummy · 27/02/2009 08:28

Oh, what can i say - nothing can lessen your loss I am so sorry for you and your family. Of course every little thing is going to hurt, and this isn't a little thing, its got massive impact. I feel quite for you actually as the council or whoever runs the grave yard should have some vito on what is put there - but then of course there is another family greiving and i really don't have an answer

I guess the only thing you can do is try and turn it into a positive thing. Could you plant something that will grow so that the other headstone is less in your face?

Another thought, if you visit your son's grave and this family are there (long shot) maybe strike up a conversation and look for thier reasons for chosing the headstone? Maybe the feel the need to be OTT for some reason, like a massive display is the only thing they can do? If you could understand their choice, it might make it easier for you to have to see. It might be that this little girl had a big personality and this is the way the parents are celebrating it? Personally i think subtle is the way forward, but thats just my opinion.

So sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of your grief.

LucyEllensmummy · 27/02/2009 08:30

oh beautiful name, just lovely!

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