IABU but can't help feling strongly about ugly gravestone - please speak words of wisdom to me!

[Homebird8]

I went to visit my baby son's grave yesterday to find that the little girl buried next to him has had her simple wooden cross replaced with a permanent gravestone. I'm sure it's just perfect for her parents and family and that they've given it a lot of thought through, I'm sure, rivers of tears, but I just think it's ugly.

We went for simplicity for my son's stone and felt what we chose was in keeping with the 14th century church and peaceful village churchyard. This new stone is out of character and of course very permanent.

For the sake of her poor grieving family I wouldn't change it, but for the sake of me and mine I do so wish it wasn't there. The graves are very close together and I can no longer see my little one's stone without the new one being in full view (not a case of out of the corner of my eye I'm afraid).

I am being absolutely unreasonable but I can't help thinking that in 40 years time, when I'm a little old lady, it will still be there, in our place, like Blackpool plonked on the side of Snowdon.

Please can anyone help me see the bright side. Tears come so readily...

Homebird, i'm sorry that youre going through this. Perhaps in time you'll come to see this little girls headstone as something that should have always been there, and not something that is an eyesore.

Im not sure if you want to, but please feel free to look here - it's a thread for bereaved parents and has brought some comfort to me - you'd be most welcome.

You're right everyone. I do believe in a family's right to find a way to grieve and remember that suits them. I would be nowhere without this choice myself and I wouldn't want to take this from any other family.

There are also very strict guidelines about what can be put up in the church yard which we were careful to adhere to. I can't see how this monument would be in line with them but the decision maker is the vicar who I'm sure thinks, quite rightly in some ways, that people are more important than monuments. None of the local stone masons would allow a family to sidestep the checking of the design with the vicar so he must have sanctioned it.

Would I be being completely unreasonable to write him a short note to tell him how I feel. I can't say that I want it changed because the family has chosen it now and they need it but if I don't say how I feel then I'm not doing myself justice either. It's a huge dilemma. The vicar was so accomodating of our need for our own minister to conduct our service for Christian, how can I suggest that he be less accomodating about families' choices in the future.

You are a lovely person Homebird - it must be hard to see past your own greif. I think you will learn to accept the tacksville headstone as part of the place you visit.

I had a similar, but nothing at all lilke your experience. Near where my father is buried a little boy was buried who was killed in an accident at only 18 old. For a while i couldn't visit my fathers grave because it really upset me - the little lad would have been the same age as my DD. What upset me most was seeing all his paraphernalia on the grave - it is like a shrine to the nightgarden, with his trike as the centrepiece - i get choked just thinking about it. Its really in your face but now i quite enjoy looking at is, as i think they add little toys every now and then. It must be a great comfort to his parents to still be able to buy little tokens, but it is so very sad - i don't know how you bear it to be honest - so sad for you!

Not unreasonable at all, Homebird.

I think - if you really don't want it removed - you could write a letter explaining that, but decribing your feelings (your OP put it really well) and saying:

"as it looks unlikely that the memorial conforms to the churchyard regulations, I presume that a faculty was applied for and granted. I do wonder if you could read my comments out to the PCC because when graves are in such close proximity to each other, the appearance of one memorial really does have an impact on mourners at another grave and I do wish the PCC had considered this when it approved the faculty application."

• or something like it - I don't think I have put it nicely enough.

*faculty - this is the Church of England version of planning permission. In theory a vicar has to ask for a faculty to bang in a nail in the church to hang a picture. A faculty should probably have been applied for in this case, and probably was.

*PCC - Parochial church council. (see: Vicar of Dibley). The PCC has to approve any faculty application. If one was made for this memorial the PCC likely approved it because it was being made by people who had just lost their child, and who would want to upset them further? I'd think the PCC were unlikely to have considered any objections by people visiting neighbouring graves.

Sorry this is rushed. School run!

Homebird, I can see exactly how this might feel - and like Habbibu I realised from SANDS that people grieve in very different ways and it seems my way is not the most normal!
I lost my daughter in August and another little girl was buried next to her last week. For some reason this really upset me, I think it's the thought of other people going through it... I wouldn't have been so upset had it not been another child. But like a pp said, a lot of people derive comfort from their child being with other children.
I don't think you should write to the vicar though like you say he must have approved the memorial in the first place.
Oh, and odd coincidence - I am going to my niece's christening on Sunday, she was born two months to the day after my daughter. I'm sure we will both have bittersweet days, I'll think of you when I'm there.
Go gentle on yourself.

Olissa, I was thinking of you today when I was at the Christening. I managed it very well and was able to take DH to see our little one's grave afterwards which helped. When we were together there with our 2 DS's I seemed to be able to focus better on our own plot.

How did you get on? It must have been so hard with your niece obviously being family and born so close to your DD. My heart goes out to you. Take a deep breath and breathe in some strength.

Thanks also to everyone who has got me though this week. It's been tough and you've been great.

I think as BalloonSlayer says, it may help you to feel better by writing, because even if it can't change anything, it will allow you to feel that your voice has been heard.

Your posts have been so entirely reasonable,HomeBird, and despite your grief, you are able to accept that this other family have a different view and different tastes.

I also think the post about your son having his space describes it really well.

I expect I would feel the same in your position, and I think it's very honest of you to admit to how you feel.

And can I add that you chose the most beautiful name for your son.

I can't imagine how you must feel Homebird .

My only advice to you would be to wait (maybe for a fortnight?) before deciding for definite what to do. You won't be able to un-write the letter once it's written - and there's a chance the vicar will feel he has to act on it - which may not be what you'd want, in the fullness of time.

I don't think you'll change your views on the neighbouring headstone - but I think seeing it was a shock and you need to wait for that shock to wear off.

Much love xx

I'm so so sorry for your loss, but please don't write a letter.

This family has also lost their small child, they took their time, love and put their pain and heartache into choosing this gravestone for their baby girl ... imagine how hurtful it would be to learn that somebody was disapproving of it?

And there is nothing to be done, it is there now, you say you would not want it removed, so what is there to gain? Except potentially hurting this family more than the enourmous, unbearable amount of pain they have already suffered? A pain that you know all to well

Please think about that. Please.

I am so sorry for the loss of your darling Christian Homebird.

Maybe take some time to switch the situation? A little empathy to fellow grieving parents may help you with this. Just like Christian's space gives you comfort, so does the little girls grave to her parents. Don't let it become an issue for you.

Take care xxx

I am so sad and sorry about your little boy

You sound like a very lovely person.

Please dont write a letter. As you say the family have put a lot of love and thought in to choosing a gravestone, and for them to know that someone thinks critically of it may make them feel as though someone is being critical of her (I am guessing and obviously this is not what you intend).

I agree with everyone else that the weather may help.

Could you buy a climbing plant and gift it to them/her? This may make things more asthetically pleasing too? I dont know.

So so sad for your loss.

Dear Homebird,

I am so sorry for your loss. I DO understand how things like this can upset you but as others have said, we grieve differently.

This stone obviously brings comfort to this child's family, how horrible for you that it has the opposite affect on you. You sound as if you know your feelings are a bit muddled and that is very common and perfectly natural.

I wonder if this stone is a focus for some of your grief and anger? I am not trying to analyse you - I just know I got angry and upset and some fairly odd (to me now) things after my DD died.

I took my DD to woolworths after I picked her ashes up from the funeral directors. I put her in the trolly seat and took her shopping. I know many people would find that shocking but I wanted to do it so I did. We all do stuff differently and its all ok. I am just so sorry that this has caused you distress. But I think to write a note would cause a great deal of distress to the other family and I dont think this would help you.
Take care.

Re: the letter - might it not be helpful though, for Homebird to write a letter to the vicar, not expecting any action to be taken (because presumably if the gravestone complies with legislation there is no action to be taken anyway) and certainly not for the other family to be made aware of her feelings, but simply to get it off her chest and feel heard?

She mentioned that the vicar had been very compassionate and understanding, and maybe feeling that she could offload about it to someone who is in a position of authority and responsibility, and can listen, and be completely confidential about it - that may just help.

How wonderful to receive such considered advice from everyone, especially those of you who have children no longer with them. I think I will take the advice to wait a while before deciding whether or not to write to the vicar. If I do I will make it absolutely clear that I do not want the other family to hear of it in any way and that I do not want their personal memorial changed at all. My feeling is that it must not be changed now. It is the family's gift to their child who can now be given so few .

Actually, on reflection it's seeming more like a bad idea to write and letting nature take its course in the form of plants to naturalise Christian's grave is seeming like the way to go. The churchyard regs only allow me bulbs and annual flowers (so something like winter flowering jasmine would be out) so I'm going to have to get creative. There are already snowdrops and snowflakes coming up through the grass. Any other ideas?

Just to add that to all those who appear to equate Homebird's writing to the vicar with informing the other family of her views - there is NO WAY a vicar would let that information slip. If Homebird says she would like to keep her views from the other family, then she can be confident they will never know.

However, Homebird, my idea of asking for the letter to be read out to the PCC is a different kettle of fish. I wouldn't be 100% sure members of the PCC wouldn't blab about it

Glad the weekend went ok.

Homebird,

Would it help to write it all down in a letter to yourself or even to your little boy? I used to write to my daughter often. I still do sometimes. I would write down all the things that I couldnt say because they wouldnt have made sense to anyone else. When I re read them I dont quite understand them myself anymore, but at the time the feelings were so strong.

I hope that you are able to resolve this issue in some way.

Tclanger, that plant website is great. I like the idea of white flowers and I've seen some fritillaries which might just fit in perfectly. Thank you.

Ballonslayer, thanks for the warning about gossip. I'll bear it in mind. I'm a great one for believing that if you don't want anyone to know something then don't tell anyone. I love your wisdom!

chegirl, I have some letters I've written to Christian and they have helped on the occasions I have written. Perhaps it might work this time. Thanks for the reminder

Homebird - I'm so sorry to hear your story.

Don't write a letter - what good could it do? The family with the next plot obviously don't share your taste, but they do share your pain. And you may one day find yourself visiting at the same time. Surely you'd feel more comfortable then having kept your views on their hideous eyesore of a memorial to yourself.

Homebird, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of your little boy. My advice is to do nothing whilst your grief is still raw. We all may act and feel differently in such sad circumstances so I wouldn't want to presume that I know exactly what you are going through, but I personally found that with the passage of time, I came to view things in a slightly different way. Lots of love. x

Hello again Homebird, it was a lovely day but emotionally exhausting... and DS drove a toy tractor up and down the aisle for quite a while, luckily no-one minded!
I'm trying to think of plant ideas for you. We're allowed to plant anything on Caitlin's grave but shrubs have to be kept under a foot in height. I have rosemary (for remembrance) and a dwarf rhodendron called Mme Masson. Masson's my maiden name, so Mme Masson is Caitie's granny I'm going to grow forget-me-nots soon but they won't flower until next year.
Have you had a look around to see if there are any flower varieties called 'Christian'? I've just found a nice astilbe but again that's perennial!
I'll keep thinking about it.
To combine some ideas from posters above - maybe you should write a letter, to help you vocalise how you're feeling, but not actually send it? I know you don't want the other family to know how you feel, and you definitely don't want them to change the stone, so I think you just need to do something to make yourself feel better.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've managed to get the situation largely in perspective which says a lot about the person you are in such difficult circumstances, and I hope the distress this has caused will soon ease.

Just a though - one day you may find yourself visiting Christian at the same time as the people next door are visiting their little girl - and at that point, particularly if you get talking to them - I suspect all thought of monuments will become pretty much irrelevant.

God Bless x.

Homebird.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm in a similar situation so I hope you don't mind me chipping in.

We chose a "green" cemetery which is supposed to have very subtle grave markings. People are starting to use what I think are large, inappropriate grave stones. I'm 'right' in that their grave markings shouldn't be allowed according to the rules but my upset about it all is really a displaced grieving for my son. All that's happening is that rather than crying for my loss I'm spending time getting worked up over something that really is rather unimportant. The grief can be so overwhelming. Maybe anger over an inappropriate gravestone is easier for me than grief. Maybe you're the same?

If this is miles off course for you please feel free to ignore me. It does, little by little get easier.