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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this odd of a 15 year old?

37 replies

StayOutOfTheLight · 26/02/2009 18:46

15 year old goes upstairs to her mum and says "Dad is watching something dirty on TV downstairs, really dirty sex" the mum says "what?? what is it?" so the girl replies "don't know but they were doing that really dirty thing where the man goes on top of the woman"

So to cut a long story short, turns out the dad was just watching a movie with a sex type scene in it. The mum says "why did you say it was dirty??" so the 15 year old says "well it is! the man was on top of the woman!"

The mum says "thats normal, its just sex" so the girl replies "thats the dirty part of sex though, the horrible, rude part"

personally, to me she sounds about 5, not 15. Her mum is also worried (and knows I'm posting about it on here as she'd like opinions).

The girl also regularly says stuff like "I'm never having a boyfriend, I hate boys" etc. Again, more like a small child than a 15 year old IMO.

Or am I being unreasonable and expecting her to act more grown up than she should?

OP posts:
Desiderata · 26/02/2009 18:50

It sounds like she might have an issue with her sexuality.

bigTillyMint · 26/02/2009 18:51

Yeah, that's what I thought.

twinsetandpearls · 26/02/2009 18:52

I agree with desi.

Melscorp · 26/02/2009 18:54

That is definitely not right, especially being 15 and all.

I don't know in which direction to point you, but clearly alarm bells ring.

It could be like Desiderata said and she has issues with her sexuality, but even if that is the case, she may need to talk to someone professional.

Sorry, I couldn't be of more use.

SoupDragon · 26/02/2009 18:54

I wonder if she wants to tell someone about her sexuality but is trying to get someone to ask/discuss rather than having to tell.

MadamDeathstare · 26/02/2009 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 26/02/2009 18:55

I guess another more unpalatable scenario is that she's been the victim of abuse.

MotherFlippin · 26/02/2009 19:01

This reply has been deleted

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MotherFlippin · 26/02/2009 19:02

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divedaisy · 26/02/2009 19:03

I think sometimes in todays society we expect every child to be more grown up about sex. She obviously has some theoretical knowledge about it - maybe from sex education in school - and to her mind it's unpleasant and not something to look forward to. i can rememeber being totally scared of it too - but that is going back about 25 years.

What is her mum worried about? This child may be immature about sex, but surely this is a refreshing change. She isn't naive about it's reality - ie no more birds and bees, but better for her to be reserved than out dropping her knickers for the boys. She'll soon discover that it may be messy, and can be dirty but is also enjoyable with the right guy.

She may be scared about it. Maybe somewhere along the line she has heard it described as a dirty act (maybe at church??), but maybe her mum needs to sit down with her and explain that she doesn't have to be scared about it and she's young enough still be be young and not feel pressured by it, but that when she's older and meets the right guy it really will be OK. I'd be more worried if she was the 'other way'...

Better to be able to talk openly about it rather than ignoring the issue. Then when she is ready, or there is a problem with it, they can continue to talk and she can get the support from her mum.

TheCrackFox · 26/02/2009 19:04

That's what I thought Motherflippin.

cory · 26/02/2009 19:04

She may have issues with her sexuality, she may see sex as something rude- but I would also be worried about the babyish way she speaks. Can't imagine my 12yo speaking like this. Just possibly my 8yo in terms of maturity, though he wouldn't pass the dirty comment.

As you say, sounds more like a 5yo. I would be concerned.

juneybean · 26/02/2009 19:06

This sounds a lot like my cousin who used to bang doors and cry if she heard my auntie and uncle having sex. And this was only a few years ago. She is 18 now and my mum is starting to question her sexuality so perhaps...

cory · 26/02/2009 19:14

It could of course be that she is using babyish language to wind her mother up. But what I think odd is not feeling uncomfortable about sex, but speaking of it in such a very young way.

divedaisy · 26/02/2009 19:50

it's hard when you don't know what the girl is really like, and what type of house she is being brought up in - eg what the family is like and expectations etc.

when I grew up it was in quite a strict christian household and it was implied, and I don't recall it ever being said outright, that sex was dirty and not something to be enjoyed - especially by the woman. It left me fearing boys and my hormonal emotions during my teens.

So when I got married and were building our own house I could never call 'our bedroom' just that to my mum, rather it was the 'master bedroom'. And I rememeber being embarrassed when I told her I was pregnant with my first because it was like an admission that I had had sex with my husband.

It is possible she has been abused, has enganged in sex and is trying to cover it, or is confused by her sexuality. Best still to gently talk it over with her and get to the root of the childds views.

Original poster
StayOutOfTheLight · 26/02/2009 19:58

Not sure about the abuse issue, I don't know her that well but I do know that both her parents are oldish (50s) and she's had a very sheltered upbringing.

Strangely the kids at school do call her a lesbian and have been accusing her of having sex with teddy bears etc.

I don't know, its all a bit odd to me, her mum only tells me what she wants me to to hear. I suspect there is much more she isn't passing on.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 26/02/2009 20:52

oh well, she is clearly being sexually abused and this should be reported at once to SS!!!

I think she does sound a tad immature and that she has possibly found out about sex during playground gossip rather than in a positive environment. I think it is maybe time for the mum to have that birds and bees talk. But you can just imagine girls in the playground going - OMG and he sticks his thing in THERE??? EEERrrrrrrr Thats dirty!!! I remember saying that i was never going to have a baby because i had to do THAT!

lljkk · 26/02/2009 21:07

Sex is very scarey to contend with, many teen girls don't want to deal with it. I would think it's a good chance to talk to her about her fears. Just let her talk.

TheSmallClanger · 26/02/2009 21:12

It sounds as if she's having a hard time talking about sex frankly with her parents - the age thing perhaps isn't helping. It also sounds to me as if she has already started experimenting, or is having some feelings she doesn't understand.

The bullying thing would worry me more than being a bit mealy-mouthed about sex. Is she "repressed" in other ways?

cory · 26/02/2009 21:29

"But you can just imagine girls in the playground going - OMG and he sticks his thing in THERE??? EEERrrrrrrr Thats dirty!!! "

LEM, these are 15-year-olds. You surely don't imagine that many 15-year-olds have only just found out that he sticks his willy in there??? Most children these days have had some kind of sex education.

Not saying that this girl is necessarily being abused or anything- just that she does seem very behind for her age. Either that or she is regressing because she feels uncomfortable.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 26/02/2009 21:41

has her mum talked to her about masturbation and sex in general?

LucyEllensmummy · 26/02/2009 21:44

yes, she does seem immature, i have an 18yr old and happen to know she was sexually active at fifteen . But there are children who are niave, in comparison to my girl who was precocious. It does seem a little odd, but not sinister. I just wonder if the girl was trying to put cat amont pigeons a little.

juneybean · 26/02/2009 23:28

I don't think waiting until you're older to become sexually active is naive ? If that's what you're inferring LEM?

nickschick · 26/02/2009 23:35

I think shes just a young girl with not a lot of experience as to what constitutes happy healthy sex- maybe so far in her life its not been an issue - girls grow up at different rates maybe shes just a young 15?

I dont think id be worrying about her sexuality thats an added pressure she doesnt need and i think id be inclined to let her mature at her own pace.

It doesnt sound like the language of a 5 year old either she is just saying thats how sex makes her feel at this moment - did you never during your childhood thing sex was gross the whole idea of it???

In fact in this day and age when an earlier thread involved the story of a 15 year old prostitute Id be glad to have a daughter like that.

She will change her mind when she meets someone she loves.

choosyfloosy · 26/02/2009 23:39

What is really positive is that she has felt upset in some way, and has gone to tell her mum immediately. To me, for a 15 year old to bring this subject up with her parents is IMO absolutely great, but also quite to me simply because I absolutely could not have done this, I would have died rather than let any word about sex, sexuality or relationships pass my lips to my parents (I still don't like doing it now at 40!) To me this is a great flashing warning light that something needs to be talked about, but I doubt very much that it is as scary as abuse. I think worst case scenario, like other posters, is that she has ended up feeling pressured into having sex with someone and hated it. This is bad, but if she is still communicating with her parents this is EXCELLENT. Well done them.

15 is one of those ages where you are 5 one minute and 35 the next, surely. I don't think it's that odd that what she is saying is expressed so awkwardly.

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