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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be cross at everything being handed on a plate...

95 replies

BuckTarbrush · 26/02/2009 15:16

Someone I know has got pregnant (by accident ) and has immediately got an offer of a privately rented house paid for almost totally by the DSS, all arranged through someone she knows who works for a Housing Association. She's getting virtually everything paid for. She lives with her mother, in quite a big house, her partner will be living with her (she said he wouldn't but winked when she said it). It makes me so cross that I have to work very hard in order to pay my mortgage, as does my DH, and we struggle every month, but it sounds like she'll be able to stop working. It makes me so cross! AIBU? Surely not!

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 26/02/2009 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whatsthecolourofmummy · 26/02/2009 16:40

what would you prefer? return to the workhouse?

VTVTVT · 26/02/2009 16:42

bof sorry to hear about your job

anyone can go and privately rent a house then claim housing benefit, i dont see why she should have to stay with her mum

i dont see how making teenage mums stay living with their parents, is going to cut the rate of teenage pg

conniedescending · 26/02/2009 16:42

until they can afford to leave home without subsidies

might not seem such an attractive prospect to many then

VTVTVT · 26/02/2009 16:44

OP is she a teenager?

unpaidworker · 26/02/2009 16:45

Why should GP have the burden of their adult children living with them and their offspring to?

unpaidworker · 26/02/2009 16:45

Why should GP have the burden of their adult children living with them and their offspring to?

VTVTVT · 26/02/2009 16:46

good idea, lets scrap the benefits system and sent everyone home to the parents

BitOfFun · 26/02/2009 16:46

Hehehe, if I'd have lived with my mother till I met a man capable of keeping me, I would still be there, given that my attraction tactics are very slutty. It was all "Not Under My Roof", and "Don't Go Gallivanting, You Are A Mother Now"

SnowlightMcKenzie · 26/02/2009 17:05

Not sure how I feel about this issue tbh.

My mother got pregnant under the age of consent and in them days had no support, so had to give up her baby for adoption was the only responsible thing to do (ran away to do it because her dad kept arranging 'surprise' abortions.

She feels strongly that people who get pregnant accidently should not be supported by the state to the extent they are, given that there are alternatives and a shortage of babies available for adoption by secure and loving families. She doesn't think that women should be 'made' to give up their babies, but she thinks the alternative is too comfortable.

Me, I think that sometimes 'accidental' pregnancy is a lifestyle choice. When I fell pg I was looking forward to having a child and the buggy market gave me a headache. A friend of mine seemed to be more looking forward to buying a buggy that would go with her outfit and cool baby accessories.

In my previous job I was involved (not directly) at reducuing teenage pregnancies and what was very clear is that those who fell pg 'accidently' did so for a number of social reasons. For some it was a way out of their current horrible lives, for others it was out desperation to be considered an adult. Often the alternatives (for particular social group) is too difficult or too far away.

To have the world and it's friend making a hard sell to vulnerable young people about what gadgets and clothes they should be parading, and driving their desire for independence and freedom, whilst at the same time telling them they can have them in 10 years, when the have finished school, gone to uni and then paid off their debts makes life very difficult for them. If pg is seen as a way out I can honestly understand it.

What we need to do is spend tax payers money on addressing these social issues, enabling young people to feel they have a voice, a chance and to help build their aspirations, rather than providing housing etc once the baby is here.

Nekabu · 26/02/2009 17:16

I know someone who got pg (not by accident) and lived with her parents for a while until they bought a second house as an investment. She then moved into that and her rent (to her parents) is being paid for by benefits. So she gets a house, her parents get an investment and she gets to stay at home with her dc whilst people like the OP go to work to earn the tax to pay for it. I can see why she's a bit fed up.

BuckTarbrush · 26/02/2009 17:28

Thanks for all your posts, I don't want to be seen as boring or bitter because I really don't think I am either, it was really just a question of whether you believe that you are owed something by society or not I suppose.

The girl in question is 22 I think.

I'm sorry my post was boring - that was my first attempt at starting one and I've been put off starting another one as I bored so many people!

x

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 26/02/2009 17:32

I don't think it's boring. It's a topic that is interesting because there will always being differing sides to the argument, and it is something that people change their minds about over time.

abraid · 26/02/2009 17:32

YANBU, OP.

Gorionine · 26/02/2009 18:15

Do not leave! Most people get flamed on their first OP, me included1 but I must say NM is a very valuable resource, stay long enough to make up your mind .

JollyPirate · 26/02/2009 18:16

I don't think pregnancy is an attractive prospect to teenagers. The ones I work with invariably got by mistake, often didn't realise they were pregnant until fairly far on and getting anyone housed in our area is a nightmare - nearly all the teenage parents I see are with their parents still - one or two are housed in bedsit/one bed accommodation and their lives look pretty crap. I don't see any teenage parents in lovely homes with gardens. They are entitled to housing but the idea that they get pregnant and get a house is a myth - trust me on this as I see it day in and day out. There is NO housing locally - and a mahoosive waiting list. Even "high priority" families wait months and sometimes more than a year for housing.

The £500 maternity grant on an expensive pram does nothing but show their lack of education and understanding - poverty in it's own way.

SnowlightMcKenzie · 26/02/2009 18:18

I got flamed with my first OP and it was on a cuddly topic to, not AIBU.

PortofinoLovesPancakes · 26/02/2009 18:35

My parents lived with my grandparents until they could afford somewhere of their own. There is a desperate shortage of housing in the UK and I can see why it is annoying that this person should get accommodation when there is bound to be someone more desperate for it.

I don't think it the OP is boring. I think the benefits situation in the UK is set up to give more help to those who take little responsibility for their lives, than to those that do. How it should be changed though I have no clue.

Doobydoo · 26/02/2009 18:39

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable.But would you accept similar help if you knew someone?
We are returning to UK from Ireland where 'who you know'is all important from the top down.Can be a total nightmare if you don't 'know'enough people of influence.

lou031205 · 26/02/2009 18:49

In our area, you can't get housing benefit for paying a close relative who lives in the same house as you.

The sure start maternity grant is payable to all those who receive benefits, and those who receive more than the family element of CTC. Even by a penny. £500 per baby.

We are expecting DC3, and qualify for the grant. We will be spending it (all) on an expensive buggy from New Zealand. With a 3.3 year old with Developmental delays, a 19mo and a newborn, we don't really have a choice. We have to have a triple buggy that can go off road, because the journey to preschool involves unpaved paths.

We don't need any other equipment, so why is it wrong to spend it on that?

As for:
By conniedescending Thu 26-Feb-09 16:26:34
"and there's this £190 healthy eating grant thats being introduced "

It is actually a Health In Pregnancy Grant, and the poster says "Help towards all those extra bits and pieces" - it is not specifically for eating, and even the illustrations involve buggies, cots, etc.

If someone is getting housed because they are pregnant, they are in a very unusual situation. You would normally have had to given birth first. I know of a family who had been given a transfer to a bigger property because the woman was in late pregnancy. A few weeks before moving the woman had a late miscarriage. The transfer was halted

Alambil · 26/02/2009 19:59

If you know she's commiting fraud (saying shes single when she's not) then report her.

Simple, really.

StayFrosty · 26/02/2009 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toddlerama · 26/02/2009 20:55

If I could receive benefits to house my husband, me and my 2 children, I would and I would have no qualms about it. We all live with my parents. Works for us because we get on unusually well, but who wouldn't take a home for their family if it was offered?

Being jealous of them is silly - as StayFrosty said, if it's such an attractive option, quit your job, stop paying your mortgage and live like a queen!

Also, genuine question, how come people resent single parents raising children on state money, but don't mind people receiving state pension? They're both in need of assistance and with the breakdown of family and community, who will help them if not the govt.? Saying that grandparents should have to take in their kids and grandkids is the same as saying you have to care for your when they're too old to work. And I don't want my In-Laws!!!

Divineintervention · 26/02/2009 20:56

I think YANBU, but there is little alternative for people on benefits... a slow change is needed to help inspire people to want more.

PortofinoLovesPancakes · 26/02/2009 21:18

In Belgium, you are apparently responsible for your parents if they need residential care. If they don't have the savings, or a house to sell, the children and apparently even the grandkids are responsible for the debt. Or so I am assured by my work colleagues. I believe that in other European countries familes are expected to support each other too. Spain springs to mind.