Or should I just ignore this 'friend'?

[debs40]

I'm going to try and cut a long story short.

I have an old school friend. We have known each other for 20 years or more. There were three of us together of school who kept in touch.

About ten years ago, I moved to London with dh and I got very friendly with this old friend. We saw each other every weekend. She didn't have many other friends so she would come out with us wherever we went.

After a couple of years we moved out of London for dh's job. This friend became very distant. I became pregnant and she became even more distant. Being pregnant, and knowing no fear, I confronted her about it and we had some upsetting exchanges after which she ignored me and wouldn't get in touch.

I had a miserable first pregnancy and found this very upsetting. I have no family so friends are very important to me. I tried to explain this to her and she accused me of manipulating her. She admitted at one point that she was annoyed that I had moved out of London without a thought for her.

Anyway, we keep in contact but never really discuss this. It's like the elephant in the corner.

I keep in touch with the second friend too who cannot understand what this is all about and who has a good although distant relationship with this other friend.

This London friend now has two children of her own and we have been to visit and it has been civil. We exchange presents for the children's birthdays and Christmas but that's it.

I always initiate the contact or suggest meeting and she has never been to our house. I get the feeling she would like this to fade away naturally but doesn't want to be the one to do it.

I suppose I'm still annoyed that we don't have any sort of honest relationship and that I feel I'm put up with 'under sufferance'. She makes plans every year to see the other friend but never suggests coming here. I have invited her many times.I feel like I'm still being punished. I know she holds grudges for a long time - this disagreement happened 6 years ago!

We never talk on the phone or do anything more than exchange emails when I send one to her and she answers.

Do you think I should continue with this or just let it die a death? If I have to admit it, I have probably let it go on this long because it is uncomfortable because of the mutual friend involved and also because a silly sense of pride makes me think that doing anything else would be playing into her hands. But that's not a healthy basis for any relationship is it?

Advice/thoughts welcome wise ones!

I can understand the need for friends when you have no family but you are getting nothing good from this friendship and I think it is time to let it go. Sorry.

we-ell, I think you've answered your own question really.

Read back your own OP as if someone else had written it, then post your advice.

You know that she isn't really worthy of your friendship, she let you down when you needed her and she seems to be the queen of holding a grudge!

Let it go naturally but keep friendly with the mutual friend. If she changes her tune and wants to be a better friend then give it a go, but I wouldn't put any effort into it.

Thanks, that's my feeling really I suppose but do you send presents for birthdays etc or just let it go. I suppose I worry that it makes me look a complete bitch not to do that which is why she's probably still doing it but making no other effort. But then if I do aren't I as bad as her?

One of the hardest things I have ever done is to let go of an old friend. I've had a similar situation with a mate from Uni who became VERY distant when I had my first child (she had miscarried and found it really difficult to be happy for me). I tried to be understanding but I felt like I was being punished for my life moving on. Eventually things have just kind of fizzled out and whilst it saddens me, I know that we are not the same people as we were when we were really good mates. You just have to accept that mates are not like family, they may not be in your life forever. It's sad but true . I would let it go- she's taking away from you more than she's giving you.

I think I probably would send something. But not have any actual contact, just a present and card through the post.

You don't want to be putting any emotional investment into this friendship because you're giving and not receiving anything.

As long as it won't upset you to send a present then you may as well.

Unless, of course, you really don't want to. In which case, don't.

You could always (if you wanted to) let it be widely known that due to the credit crunch and the recession/downturn you are cutting back on giving birthday gifts and you don't expect to receive many in return.

(sorry, that was three options rather than the one you probably wanted )

and no you're not as bad as her! You've put effort in for six years!!! That's more than most people would bother with!

Thanks. She recently mentioned that she was going to see the mutual friend so I stupidly said 'great why don't we come down too'.

Silence since then. I realised that this had probably annoyed so I said please don't worry if you want to go and see her on your own, didn't want to crash your plans.

Silence again.

She is very passive aggressive and it is difficult to know whether you're doing/saying the right thing. I've tried to keep to the approach of acting as I would with anyone else but it never seems to have a happy ending!

The trouble is the other friend now thinks it's a great idea and wants us all to come and see her. This is what got me thinking. I suggested it as I thought it might be a way of moving forward but she always manages to show she is still not 'pleased with me' so what is the point!

I think I might just say we can't actually make it but that she is very welcome to visit us at any time - of course she never will but at least I've tried.

she sounds really quite horrible tbh

Are you worrying because you think you should stay friends with her, because it seems disloyal to let the friendship go?

I can't believe you actually want to spend any time with this person!

You deserve a better friend that she is, really.

You're obviously a person who invests a great deal of energy and emotion into your friendships, which is great by the way, but you are getting nothing back from this person.

I don't want to be harsh, but she doesn't want to be friends with you. Let it go, you deserve a lot better.

How upsetting debs40. It seems fom her silence that she doesn't want you there. It seems you are flogging a dead horse. I know how hard it is when you don't have family around and I also understand hanging on to friendships when you shouldn't. It is harder for some of us to let go of friendships.

I think you need to step back from this relationship. I know you have a common friend, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with the treatment you are receiving from your friend.

It is awful that you can't all meet up and have a great time. I can't understand why she is being so difficult, but you need to stop worrying about it as it will only make you ill.

I do feel for you.

Gosh, I don't think I'd bother. Just arrange a nice week-end with the other friend alone after she has been to see them and leave it me. She sounds a bit twisted and quite rude tbh.

Thanks so much folks. I know you are right. It's what dh has said for years.My dh refers to it as her 'dark arts'!

I know you only get one side of it here, but I am someone who is a loyal and reliable friend and I do have a good group of friends who are fab and kind people. That is what makes this relationship stand out so much.

I'm also a bit of a soft touch for people with a problem and she is a bitter, lonely character so I've always endeavoured to keep a channel of communication going. But I actually think she just uses that to be mean!

Thanks you've really helped!

I had 2 very close friends at university and I realised that with one of them, it was always me making the contact. I first thought she was just scatty etc and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, I decided that I wouldn't call her, I would wait for her call to confirm what I thought. It's been a good few months and she hasn't called. I have now written off the friendship without any row or discussion etc, but I also have the complication of a 3rd friend. I think by just letting things slide, rather than having a confrontation, it leaves the door open in the unlikely event they have a mind change and keeps things OK with the 3rd person. Your "friend" isn't a friend so I wouldn't bother anymore.

I would also email (nearer the time) and say re the presents (like someone else has suggested) that we're in the credit crunch and the kids have enough toys so you are cutting back on present volumes. That stops the present stuff which seems silly anyway.

Hope this works out, FWIW I think you should concentrate on your new friendships and they will flourish and let this one go. We all change and like partnerships and marriages, sometimes you grow apart and you need to move on.

This has helped me today as I was thinking of groveling back to a friend. She'd been quite mean to me over a period of time and in the end I confronted her and told her how much she'd upset me (reduce me to tears twice), she didn't see it that way and said I should know better and not to be so daft. I normally take things on the chin, but she went too far. So by confronting her, it showed her real nature and I knew it was time to let it go.

Thanks guys.

Crokky - it is hard when there is someone else involved as taking action makes you feel like the 'bad guy' - silly but true.

Wotzy - I agree. Sometimes by confronting people you do see their true nature and I think I have seen this friend's. I actually think that's part of the problem. She is someone who likes to be seen in a certain way and she knows she was a cow and so would actually rather I disappear than be reminded.

That's the way I like to see it anyway!

All the advice given seems to be right, ie. to let go of this non - friendship. There are more people out there! It's just a risk but you have to take it to make more friends.

Do you ever suspect that there is more to it? How friendly/not friendly was she to your husband? Was she jealous of your relationship and wanted to cause you strain? It is a strange emotion jealousy and one that she perhaps needed help with and she was probably just as lonely as you. It sounds as though she is/was trying to punish you and cause you problems, I am just curious as to why?

I think that she is trying to use this other friendship (the one where she goes to stay) to make you jealous (or guilty- as you suggest - a punishment). Rise above it!

It would be good for you both to move on without each other and for you to reinvest in a new friendship - good luck!

debs40 - I am going to buck the trend and say don't sever your ties. Remember, 'new friends are like silver, old friends are like gold'. It is a real blessing to have a long term 'friend' - someone who remembers who you were pre DH and DC, someone to remind you when you forget.

But it doesn't sound like this old friend is nice enough to want to remind debs of any good old times they shared and she still has some good old mates who she does get on with who probably would.

I have done things like that. I have spoken to her and written to her and she has replied with things like 'there's no problem'. To take that further you'd have to start the whole argument again. She is very passive aggressive and won't engage in discussion about it.

I do understand. I think she has been lonely. Her partner refused to marry her and although they have two kids together I think she found that hard. I think she has always been jealous of my relationship with dh too as we used to go out as a couple and take her with us while her partner went out with his own pals. She really likes dh but he doesn't trust her after what has happened and thinks I'm too soft!

I'm really open and wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't hold grudges so I've really tried but I really do get nothing back.

Just let it die. Having big confrontation scenes with people is utterly pointless: dump her and move on. There's no need to discuss it with the mutual friend: carry on being friends with the mutual friend but don't worry about the other one.
WHile I have some friends from Uni days, other people I was once close to I have lost touch with as circumstances change: it isn't that big a deal. Are you maybe trying to hang on to your image of yourself as the 'good kind compassionate friend' to the extent that you are coming across to her as a bit patronizing? I founc your last post (12.57) a tiny bit slappable TBH - could you maybe have been rubbing her nose in the fact that you have a lovely DH and her partner 'refuses to marry her' and goes out without her?

I would make some excuse about not being able to make the reunion weekend and then slowly pull away. It doesn't sound like much of a friendship anymore. Just limit it to pleasantries, cards at christmas and the odd email about the kids.

I also live with an elephant in the room, and i know it will never go away. Not a nice feeling.

Hi Debs40,

It really sounds like you've done a lot to "make this friendship heal", you've reached out, tried to talk, wrote to her, etc and she just doesn't seem to want to make the same effort.

As hard as it may sound, she either can't let go or won't let go of what happened (which is sad, because it also hurts her) or she doesn't want to continue with the friendship, which then means there is nothing you will do to make her see that you can move past this.

On the other hand, you're hurting, as this does affect you, but you don't deserve to be treated this way. It's not like this happened a few months ago and you haven't tried to patch things up, it was ages ago and you've done innumerous things!

I guess your DH can see how this hurts you and how little she's done and that makes him mad... he wants you to be ok.

I'd follow the advice of letting her go, keep civil emails for Xmas and birthdays but nothing else... otherwise, the same will go on, you trying to reach out and her just remaining "silent" and, as you say, passive agressive to you. Don't feel guilty, you've done more than enough and sound like a loyal and forgiving friend.

I think that you should just move on.
I dont know why you are worried about 'playing into her hands' or 'being the bad one', as from what you have written it sounds like she moved on from your friendship years ago.
You dont have a friendship with this person - it sounds like she never initiates contact with you, or does anything other than the bare minimum to be civil.I would let it go, and spend time with people who want to see you.