Or should I just ignore this 'friend'?

[debs40]

I'm going to try and cut a long story short.

I have an old school friend. We have known each other for 20 years or more. There were three of us together of school who kept in touch.

About ten years ago, I moved to London with dh and I got very friendly with this old friend. We saw each other every weekend. She didn't have many other friends so she would come out with us wherever we went.

After a couple of years we moved out of London for dh's job. This friend became very distant. I became pregnant and she became even more distant. Being pregnant, and knowing no fear, I confronted her about it and we had some upsetting exchanges after which she ignored me and wouldn't get in touch.

I had a miserable first pregnancy and found this very upsetting. I have no family so friends are very important to me. I tried to explain this to her and she accused me of manipulating her. She admitted at one point that she was annoyed that I had moved out of London without a thought for her.

Anyway, we keep in contact but never really discuss this. It's like the elephant in the corner.

I keep in touch with the second friend too who cannot understand what this is all about and who has a good although distant relationship with this other friend.

This London friend now has two children of her own and we have been to visit and it has been civil. We exchange presents for the children's birthdays and Christmas but that's it.

I always initiate the contact or suggest meeting and she has never been to our house. I get the feeling she would like this to fade away naturally but doesn't want to be the one to do it.

I suppose I'm still annoyed that we don't have any sort of honest relationship and that I feel I'm put up with 'under sufferance'. She makes plans every year to see the other friend but never suggests coming here. I have invited her many times.I feel like I'm still being punished. I know she holds grudges for a long time - this disagreement happened 6 years ago!

We never talk on the phone or do anything more than exchange emails when I send one to her and she answers.

Do you think I should continue with this or just let it die a death? If I have to admit it, I have probably let it go on this long because it is uncomfortable because of the mutual friend involved and also because a silly sense of pride makes me think that doing anything else would be playing into her hands. But that's not a healthy basis for any relationship is it?

Advice/thoughts welcome wise ones!

I'm just adding to the stuff said above, but one thing that really helped me let go of a friend was the quote "our lives ran parallel for a while". There seems to be this pressure to have friends as family, some are, but there are others which die naturally. However, there are times when your lives cease to run in parallel, and you move further and further away from each other.

Thanks so much everyone. It really helps to have objective views on this.

I've been carrying it around in my head wondering what to do. I feel dh would get annoyed with me for worrying about this as he thinks she is a waste of space (because she has been very hurtful) so it has been nice to get it out in the open.

It's funny because she has been completely ignoring emails lately but I sent one today to both friends saying that the meet up date might be difficult for us and she promptly emailed back with 'oh what a shame'. I think I know the truth of this situation now!

thanks

solidgoldbullet4 - sorry missed your post before - I take your point and was conscious of how it might sound as I wrote the words I did. However, the whole "refuses to marry etc" -they are her words not mine. This is what she has told me and not how I have perceived things.

She is a very private person, very traditional with a particular image of herself and how things should be. It is very much all about the right house, school, holiday destination etc and I know that not being married has not fitted that image for her and that it has caused her pain. That is not a judgment I would make for her.

I think she let me see too much of what her life was like when we were in London. She certainly shared her thoughts about her relationship in a way she usually doesn't and I think she resents me for knowing these things.

What everyone has said today has really helped give me some clarity. This is an old school friend not uni friend so the relationship goes back along while but there's nothing to be gained by trying to keep it afloat.