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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this person on my antental thread is selfish?

28 replies

Catatonia · 23/02/2009 14:53

Have changed names because I don't want to offend anyone on my MN antental thread.

It's a great thread with some lovely supportive people on it. But there's one member who I find very selfish. She only posts when she wants to ask a question or needs some support. Never responds to anyone else's posts. Several times now the post directly above hers is about how someone has just suffered a MC or is very ill, but this poster doesn't even make it any mention of it, unlike everyone else. I'm lucky in that my pregnancy is so far healthy and normal, but I feel it's bad form that this person can't spend one sec saying how sorry she is to hear someone's bad news. I know that we don't all have the time to read all the posts and I wouldn't blame anyone for that, but this poster never provides anyone with support, just takes it.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Tillyscoutsmum · 23/02/2009 14:54

no - you're not. Some people in life are just takers

myfunnynametaken · 23/02/2009 14:55

yabu - go tell her on said thread.

ScorpiowithabigS · 23/02/2009 14:56

you should say this in a private message to her or on the thread.

Maybe she cannot deal with others mc's very well, doesnt know what to say or has had several herself and is terrified.

ItsThatFuckerSQUONKagain · 23/02/2009 14:56

I think YABU.

We all take what we want from this kind of forum. For some of us it's chat, a bit of advice and the feel good factor of advising others.

Some people just want the advice and that's fine.

Also not sure about starting a thread to complain about another poster, tbh Even though you haven't named names. And I don't think you should name names.

CoteDAzur · 23/02/2009 14:57

YABU. Don't be a coward and go say so to her.

Some people find it difficult to find the words to comfort others. That doesn't mean they are 'selfish'.

And even if she is, it's just not appropriate to create a thread just to rant about her.

Lulumama · 23/02/2009 14:57

you should challenge her directly. this will have everyone on every AN thread being paranoid

also, she might not scan the thread or use MN as anything other than a Q&A place

it might not be a community or 'real' for her
IFYSWIM

threads like this a baaad idea though

YABU

Ohforfoxsake · 23/02/2009 15:00

I'm not sure starting a thread on it is reasonable, sorry. She might not have much time to chat away. And this sort of feels like talking about someone behind their back.

If you don't like it, ignore her posts, or say something like "sorry for not answering you, was thinking about XXX's situation. Did you miss it?"

So sorry, I don't necessarily think YABU, but I think this thread is.

But I sort of think AN/PN threads are a bit of a private conversation. Despite being on a public forum IYSWIM.

NewTeacher · 23/02/2009 15:03

Whats to challenge? She may only log on when she needs help and doesnt read other peoples threads. I dont see anything wrong with that.

Just because she doesnt answer every single thread on that group doesnt make her a bad person.

Hulababy · 23/02/2009 15:05

People use MN in different ways.
There are all sorts of people on MN.

If you really do have an isue with the poter - tell her yourself on that thread, or privately.

YABU to start such a thread as this IMO though.

Pruners · 23/02/2009 15:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Catatonia · 23/02/2009 15:07

OK, fair enough, I see your point about this thread being unreasonable. I just wondered if I was BU, was using this as a sounding board, because if I was then I would just forget my annoyance. But I see that this probably wasn't the right way to deal with it and I apologise if I've made anyone feel paranoid, wasn't my intention.

OP posts:
pooka · 23/02/2009 15:08

Agree that this thread will make all ante-natal posters paranoid.

I'm rather rarely on mine - am terrified of jinxing things and while lovely to see all the great scan news, my scan not until tomorrow and I'm almost pretending that I'm not pregnant until then. Is it me?

Original poster
Catatonia · 23/02/2009 15:10

No, pooka, not you. Oh dear, really sorry to make people feel paranoid. Can I blame preg hormones and first time preg anxiety? Pretty please?

OP posts:
Lilyloo · 23/02/2009 15:12

I think people post on here for lots of different reasons.
You will likely find as your thread changes and women go off on mat leave and have baby they have more time / inclination to post.This was the case for me certainly. I now use my post natal thread a lot but struggled to keep up with my ante natal one.
Also if she cant kep up maybe she scared of missing posters out if she replies individually.

Guess its just down to how much support individuals choose to give / take.

Maybe a more general thread asking this question would have been better though.

ItsThatFuckerSQUONKagain · 23/02/2009 15:12

you've done it now, catatonia, you'll have every single poster on every single ante-natal thread asking "is it me?"

littleboysblue · 23/02/2009 15:13

Sometimes when I log on I'm in a bit of a hurry so will post my question and then log off again and come back later.
I do make an effort to comment on my ante-natal thread, but there are times when I don't know what to say either for lack of experience (example CS, breastfeeding, reusable nappies) so will 9 times out of 10 just not comment because I have nothing to say on it and can't help anyway or I say why I'm not commenting.
I think a whole thread on this person not responding to others is a bit strong, just ask her.

SmuttyNuttyTaff · 23/02/2009 15:13

Catatonia - the ante-natal thread i'm on moves very quickly and sometimes scan reading is all you can do to keep up. posts get missed. also some things you just have no words for (or has been said so many times you feel you have nothing left to add).

we have regular posters, lurkers and some that just pop in to update us or ask a specific question. which is all fine, someone will always respond and that is the beauty of it not everyone has to reply to everything.

also if you post directly after someone chances are you have been typing rather than reading their post.

None of us (i hope) think any less of each other. I love my AN thread and would be lost without the lovely ladies that reside on it. Though i'm sure its not the same for everyone.

you are being a tad unfair.

laweaselmys · 23/02/2009 15:20

Why don't you just ask MNHQ to delete this thread. You have your answer already, and the more people that see this, the more paranoid they are going to get.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 23/02/2009 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mm22bys · 23/02/2009 15:44

Some people don't know how to express themselves.

Some people may think their offering commisserations or sympathy or whatever sounds a bit "fake" to a stranger on the internet.

YABABU.

jujumaman · 23/02/2009 15:47

yabu

This is the internet, not a private party at your house. Ignore her and get this thread deleted.

BalloonSlayer · 23/02/2009 15:53

I used to go on another site which had quite a small M2B area.

One poster was always posting for advice, sometimes urgently - Please please please, is anyone there, I am so worried, sort of thing. Once I think I sat up late typing a reply to try to reassure her.

She never ever said thank you. Not just to me, to anyone. And never even posted on the threads she had started to say how the dreaded situation had panned out. Just on to the next thread about another problem.

I stopped bothering to answer her questions and I suspect other people did too. She rarely posts now - probably thinks the place isn't as friendly as it was.

Flier · 23/02/2009 16:01

Well sometimes I suppose people are just too wrapped up in their own little worlds. Is this the persons firstborn? If you feel so strongly about it perhaps you shouldn't have name changed, or perhaps you should CAT the said poster.

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 16:02

You should have said it to her face. YABU.

FioFio · 23/02/2009 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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