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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed with my mum for actually saying that I should not go on a day out with a group I belong to as my dh is unsuitable to look after our dc

63 replies

Sails · 22/02/2009 22:57

She is serious. She said I should feign illness, make out I'm not interested hide the leaflets make some excuse rather thann leave him with the dc. In some ways she makes valid points he does lose it with them has little patience not very safety conscious (ds2 is 15 months) all points made by mum. However I still think this it is none of my mums business and I can't believe she is being like this. Says it would worry her sick if she knew he was in sole charge of them and she cannot believe that I am even considering it.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/02/2009 23:03

Well...is he safe with them or not? If yes, YANBU. But...you say he has very little patience and isn't safety conscious. If she's right to worry, then YABU and should deal with your useless DH.

Janos · 22/02/2009 23:04

On the face of itm your mum is being unreasonable.

However, does she have genuine concerns re: your DH or do you think it is just prejudice of the men can't look after children sort?

If the former, take her concerns seriously. However, if it's the latter, that's a load of bollox.

ravenAK · 22/02/2009 23:10

Your mum is BU - what's feigning illness etc going to solve?

If you think she may have a point re: dh & dc then he needs to get skilled up asap - maybe you go off for the morning initially...

What does your mum imagine would happen if you were ill?

unknownrebelbang · 22/02/2009 23:14

If you consider your children to be safe with him, then tell her to butt out.

If you mum is right, isn't it about time that DH learns how to look after his children?

edam · 22/02/2009 23:17

How bad is your dh? If he's that clueless then you really need to sort him out before leaving the kids to his tender mercies for a whole day.

Janos · 22/02/2009 23:24

Yes, I think the key is whether your DH really is 'clueless'.

Do you think he is?

Tortington · 22/02/2009 23:26

oh ffs. clueless =lazy bastard. tell him to pull his finger out

ChippingIn · 23/02/2009 00:11

Sails YABU - presumably your Mum loves your DS and is (as you say yourself!!) justifiably worried about his welfare if left alone with your DH for a whole day. If she is worried sick about this, how can you expect her not to say so, I mean it's not like she's saying she doesn't like it that you allow him to stay up late or eat crisps or something trivial is it???

Can your Mum not have your DS for the day?

THEN: You need to get your DH sorted out. Anger management classes? Parenting classes? Whatever it takes to get him up to speed as a decent parent.

unpaidworker · 23/02/2009 00:19

If he is not able to look after your DC safely then your DM is not BU. If he can look after them safely she is BU.

Do something about DH if you need to.

Bathsheba · 23/02/2009 08:22

My Dh has had severe mental illness problems over the last 4 years and I have been unable to leave my kids with him.

he is vague, he's wander off and do something obsessive for hours rather than look after them, he'd forget to feed them as he'd be so focussed in one task, or he'd just randomly fall asleep.

If your DH is a danger to your children becasue he is so unconcious of safety then you need to address that, and if that means not going on a day trip then you need to consider that.

My Dh is a lot better now - still vague and very untidy but no longer a danger to the girls and I can now leave him with them (I'll come back to a rubbish tip but everyone will be safe and fed).

wotulookinat · 23/02/2009 08:25

Maybe your mum could look after the children?

kitbit · 23/02/2009 08:38

If my mum had genuine concerns I would much rather she said so, risk offence and make sure the problem was dealt with, rather than say nothing and quietly worry and maybe let a disaster happen rather than butting in.

She's being unreasonable to butt in with your relationship, but if she is genuinely concerned she is absolutely right to say something about it from concern for you and her gc.

wotulookinat · 23/02/2009 08:45

Kitbit has a very point. If (God forbid) something happened, and your mum said then said she had had worries, you would be questionning why she didn't speak up before.

PuppyMonkey · 23/02/2009 08:46

It is your mum's business if she genuinely thinks something awful might happen if your kids are left alone with your dh. You say she "makes valid points" so I would be worried. Are YOU worried about leaving them?

kslatts · 23/02/2009 08:49

I think it depends on whether you agree with your mum's comments or not, do you?

Original poster
Sails · 23/02/2009 10:12

Have suggested to mum she looks after them but she said that would look really good wouldn't it?! Yes some of her points are valid.

OP posts:
intheLiffey · 23/02/2009 10:26

When he 'loses it' is that really his way of signaling to you that it's about time you stepped in and got things under control??

Is his anger directed at yOU or at the children??

oldraver · 23/02/2009 13:32

If she's that concerned has she offered to have your son ??

theyoungvisiter · 23/02/2009 13:48

I would be absolutely horrified if my nearest and dearest felt that my DH was not safe to look after our children solo. That says something pretty serious and worrying either about your DH or about his relationship with your mother.

And you say that she has valid points - does that mean you agree with her?

How is this is going to work longterm? Are you never EVER going to leave the house solo again? Never have a night out? What if your DH wants to take the kids out by himself - or even take them away camping, say? What will your mum say then?

You need to address this for all your sanity longterm.

Bubbaluv · 23/02/2009 14:19

I know my Mum to be a sensible, caring and reasonable woman, so if she came to me with these concerns I would know that something was sweriously wrong. It would take a lot for her to critisize DH like that to my face, so I would have to assume that something had happened to make her feel this way.
So, for me I guess it comes down to whether your Mum is like my Mum or if she's an over-protective mollycoddler who thinks men can't take care of themselves let alone thier children. You seem to suggest her opinions aren't wild exaggerations.
If your youngest is 15mo, then I would be amazed if this was the first time your DH had been left in charge, so has your Mum always had an issue with the level of his care or has something changed to make her feel so nervous?

Nekabu · 23/02/2009 15:25

If you say that she has a point when she points out that "he does lose it with them has little patience not very safety conscious" then don't you think this ought to be sorted out before you go out for the day and leave him with them? Also it is her business, they're her grandchildren.

I think YABU to go out and leave your children with the man you described.

Hulababy · 23/02/2009 15:30

You say your mum has some valid points.

I don't think she is, therefore, being unreasonable to have concerns and to voice those concerns to you.

Do you think your children are in safe hands left in your DH's suprvision? If not (and you said there were concerns) why not? And have you discussed this with your DH?

You really need to address these areas of concern with your DH.

flowerybeanbag · 23/02/2009 15:42

YABU. If your mum has valid points she is absolutely right to raise them, and similarly if there are valid concerns about your children's safety when with your DH YABU to go off for the day without addressing those concerns first. Don't know how soon this day is, but if you can't deal with it before then, then she is right you shouldn't go.

noworlater · 23/02/2009 15:50

I think it's none of your mum's business. If men who are useless are molly coddled into beilieving it's okay to be useless because wife will cancel her plan when he wants to be useless... that's not exactly fair is it.

Now, of course, I'm not suggesting anyone put their kids in harms way to make a point. If your DH really is useless, he should be taken to task and you should still be able to go out. If this can not be done, I would start planning my exit because who wants to be stuck in a marriage where you have to be a single parent.

You know, somewhere along this post I think I may have stopped talking about your marriage and started talking about my own. But, I'm going to post because I think it is still a relevant point.

LucyEllensmummy · 23/02/2009 15:52

I cannot believe if she is so concerned then she hasn't offered to have the children for you!!!!

Can you really not leave them with their father? That is really sad.

My MIL is a bit like this, that she feels it is a cheek if mums leave the children with the men so they can go out - and has mentioned this to me in relation to SIL before now. Unbelievable.

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