Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed with my mum for actually saying that I should not go on a day out with a group I belong to as my dh is unsuitable to look after our dc

63 replies

Sails · 22/02/2009 22:57

She is serious. She said I should feign illness, make out I'm not interested hide the leaflets make some excuse rather thann leave him with the dc. In some ways she makes valid points he does lose it with them has little patience not very safety conscious (ds2 is 15 months) all points made by mum. However I still think this it is none of my mums business and I can't believe she is being like this. Says it would worry her sick if she knew he was in sole charge of them and she cannot believe that I am even considering it.

OP posts:
LIZS · 23/02/2009 15:55

You can feel annoyed at the implied criticsm of you by her comments abotu your dh. Whether that is justified rather depends on whether we are talking about him not changing nappies as often as you might and dressing them in uncoordinated outfits or letting them play in traffic and chew on tiny toys. Only you know that I'm afraid. Your risk assessment, your decision.

screamingabdab · 23/02/2009 16:16

LEM, OP says her mum thinks "it wouldn't look very good" if she looked after kids instead of DH, which makes me wonder exactly what that means.

SamsMama · 23/02/2009 16:38

This sounds like my mom- though it's not that she thinks that DH is unfit, she just feels that as the mother my entire world should be my DS and I should never want to leave his side and go out with friends. Well, I'm exaggerating a little, but that's basically it. My best friends live about an hour away from me, so once a month or so I go see them for an overnight and leave DS and DH at home. My mother's reaction is always, "Oh, you're leaving him...again?" As though I left him in a box on the corner or something instead of at home with his father!

That being said, it sounds like there may be some actual concerns here. Maybe just a talk with DH would help?

Original poster
Sails · 24/02/2009 20:07

I meant that my dh has offered many times to have them that day therefore I could not then organise for my mum to look after them could I iyswim! THe safety issues are things like leaving the stair gate open without a second thought even thoughs our stairs go down into our front room. Lost count on the amount of times I've left him for a moment and ds2 is climbling up the stairs. Also when dh cooks he doesn't give a thought as to where ds2 is and I have walked in before now and had to remind him to put ds2 behind the stairgate or play pen as the oven door is wide open and ds2 right behind him.
Anyway I decided yesterday I will not be going. Dh had a day off work and we were going out for the day/few hours. He was getting more and more stressed as he was dealing (with me) issues like ds1 aged 3 not getting dressed etc. The more ds1 saw it was getting to him the more my son dug his heals in and refused but dh was taking it more and more personally! Anyway I had to go to the garage and when I got back it seemed like all hell was breaking lose with the two at loggerheads dh aggressively shouting at him and ds1 ran up to me crying and saying daddys scaring me. I came to my decision however when dh was making sandwiches for ds2 and ds1 put his hand up and took one. Dh then shouting extremely aggressively and loudly an inch from his face YOU LITTLE HORROR. DS1 came running to me arms up crying daddy scared me. What could I do say do he scared ME!!! And this is a typical day when he is off and he has never been with our kids alone just ds1 for a short time. I realised then thaat there was no way I can leave him for a day withh them. I told him thaat among other things and all I got was well perhaps if he learnt to behave himself we'd be alright. This stress tension never happens the rest of the time when dh is at work. So I admit I was being unreasonable! I can't go as disapointing that that is for me I have got to put my children first and I can't go!

OP posts:
MrsGravy · 24/02/2009 20:14

If you feel you cannot leave your DH alone with HIS OWN children then there's a serious problem imo. Have you considered talking to your HV about a parenting course for him? It sounds like he has very unrealistic expectations of how a 3 year old should behave - and how HE should behave around a 3 year old.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 24/02/2009 20:18

Woah sounds like your DH has some serious issues which he needs to get sorted pronto. for you.

HoneySocks · 24/02/2009 20:30

Just wanted to say that i can really feel for you and your mum - similar issues here, for example dh always used to cook and then leave the gas rings on , so i have not been able to say go off to bed early feeling ill as always need to come down to check dh not burning house down!

Original poster
Sails · 24/02/2009 20:39

Thank honeysocks. Dh is always leaving the oven rings on aswell worrying when ds2 is around although I'm alert to that one and annoying when they are in bed and the smoke alarm always seems to go off if hes cooking supper!

OP posts:
duchesse · 24/02/2009 20:42

She is being unreasonable. If you think your husband is up to it (and why the heck shouldn't he be?) then that is all she needs to know. I'm imagining she wishes she had had that kind of support when you were little. If she is truly truly concerned that your husband will not cope, then gently suggest to her that she ring him occasionally asking how she can help while you're away.

duchesse · 24/02/2009 20:43

Ah sorry, have read more of the thread now. Shame that your husband really isn't capable...

Original poster
Sails · 24/02/2009 20:58

And if anyone thinks leaving is the answer he would still be there dad and would definately have to spend the day with them on his own then wouldn't he?

OP posts:
AtheneNoctua · 24/02/2009 21:14

I think his behaviour is very passive agressive and it wouldpiss me off to no end. But, of course, I understand you can't leave your children with him in good conscience.

I would however, find a suitable bossy old nag to come round and look after the boys in my absense since he is obviously too lazy passive aggressive to do it himslef. Know anyone?

Original poster
Sails · 24/02/2009 21:17

Can't do that as he said he wants to look after them and says he'll be fine. When I asked how he will cope if ds1 plays up/ stresses him out etc he said "string him up!"

OP posts:
AtheneNoctua · 24/02/2009 21:23

You know, I'm sorry, but he is an arse for making a joke of it all. This is a serious situation when you can't leave your kids with their own father because he is too irresponsible.

Do you ever wonder if he is just winding you up and he actually does the right thing when you are not there to do it for him? (this is probably irrational wishful thinking but I thought I'd ask)

ChippingIn · 24/02/2009 21:23

Athene - Like your style ... I'm sure someone would volunteer - what area do you like in Sails??

Sails - I think he needs to go on an anger management course. It's ok to say it doesn't happen when you are there - but you can't live like that ... it's not fair. I see what you are saying about if you left, but if that is otherwise an option for you then you could always get it sorted so that he only has supervised visits.

Original poster
Sails · 24/02/2009 21:37

No he is not just winding me up. A number of times dh has taken ds2 to the local shops for just a few things and they have come in with ds2 running up to me sobbing mummy mummy and dh in a mood behind still shouting at him etc because something has happened. Other times hes fine with him as dh says if he learns to behave himself hes alright! He takes it so personally that he sometimes refuses to speak to ds after the event and I have to coax him to make up like he's a child or something! just thinking about it! Like my mum said to me I can't believe I acually considered it! I suppose I wanted us to be normal!

OP posts:
Spaceman · 24/02/2009 21:45

It is your mums business. They are her grandchildren; how can you possibly expect her not to have an opinion about their welfare? YAB very U. I think you have bigger family issues to deal with over and above your trip away TBH.

AtheneNoctua · 24/02/2009 21:45

Jeez, what a twit. I would talk to the Hv and document my concerns for the safety of my child and ask him/her if there is anything you can do that would be constructive. And, furthermore, if she can recomend an anger management course for your DH -- although it doesn't sound like he would go.

And as for DS learning to behave, I would tell my DH to start leading by example and maybe then DS will behave. How can he expect DS to behave when he is actively teaching him not to?

Janos · 24/02/2009 21:50

I'm not surprised your mum has serious concerns! Your DH sounds like a foul tempered childish bully.

Anyone who bullies a small child needs to take a serious look at themselves and step back.

Understand why you don't want to leave your children with him, of course.

Actually, TBH. I wouldn't want a man like that around my DS EVER.

Original poster
Sails · 24/02/2009 21:51

No he wouldn't go because he honestly doesn't think he has a problem. Also ds1 is a good boy not perfect obiously but a lovely child when dh is at work. Its just when dh is at home dh gets into stress mode and I'm sure it gets passed onto the children.

OP posts:
Janos · 24/02/2009 21:58

He doesn't think he has a problem?

Your poor little DS walking on eggshells because of his Dad's foul moods and stress. He's an adult and has a duty to control himself and act appropriately around his children.

If he won't and refuses to see anything wrong with his behaviour then it's down to you to do something about it.

Also reading between the lines your DH has some pretty serious 'issues' (that word again) which are affecting all of you.

Maybe your mum is concerned about that? Might be an opportunity to talk to her.

specialmagiclady · 24/02/2009 22:00

Could you show DH this thread?

Sometimes I feel incredibly angry and upset with my kids but - guess what? As a responsible adult, sometimes I have to zip my lip and find a way round it. Actually always. It's called being a parent and your DH needs to learn to do it.

Child is not a robot.

Quattrocento · 24/02/2009 22:06

There is something wrong with a situation where you/your mum cannot trust your DH to look after his own children. Something seriously horribly wrong.

Original poster
Sails · 24/02/2009 22:30

Yes I know there is! What is the answer? I don't know!!!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 24/02/2009 22:40

Sails - do you want to be in this marriage?

If YES - then you need to INSIST he goes on parenting/anger management courses - tell him if he doesn't you will leave.

If NO - then leave. Make sure any access he does have is supervised.

I know that is harsh, but your kids should not have to live in a house where they are scared of their Daddy.