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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that dh should do more?

30 replies

emkana · 21/02/2009 21:59

We have two daughters aged nearly eight and five and a son who is two and a half.

I am a SAHM, dh works full-time.

Dh eats with us every night, then helps at getting the children ready for bed, then reads stories to one of the dd's (I do the other one), then often helps at getting ds off to sleep.

At the weekends we will go on family outings together about once or twice a month. Apart from that dh is nearly always around at the weekend, but he doesn't specifically do anything with the children, no acitivities as such. So he might go off to a DIY place and be happy to take them along, or he might potter in the garden and they might be out there with him, or he might read the paper in the playroom and he will sit there and read the paper... so "benign neglect" is what I'd call it. I feel though that he should do some stuff with them at the weekend that concentrates purely on them, so maybe play a game or take the dd's swimming. He doesn't see the need.

So who is being U?

OP posts:
LightShinesInTheDarkness · 21/02/2009 22:02

I don't think YABU as such, but give the guy a break!

He sounds lovely, and what our kids want is time with us - pottering in the garden, trip to the DIY store sound like just the kind of things they will enjoy doing with him.

If he works full-time, and helps with the DCs every night, he deserves a bit of down time at the weekends.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 21/02/2009 22:03

This is interesting because that's the kind of parenting I think most of us had, at best, but there's so much pressure on parents today to give "quality time" to their kids.

I think he actually sounds ok, he reads stories to them, he does jobs around the house (presumably if going to DIY places or pottering in the garden), occasional family outings.

Might be nice if he did more, but doesn't sound to bad, tbh. Sorry!

wrinklytum · 21/02/2009 22:04

Sounds like my dp.Mind you he has been really poorly,but before he got ill it was like this too.

It is wearing sometimes.It is me who deals with all dds sn stuff,appointments,portage activities,statementing stuff...ditto nt ds homework and so on.It is me who takes them out and about.

It's annoying sometimes.....

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 21/02/2009 22:05

erm, I think you are. A bit.

He sounds like he does quite a lot. You don't have to fill every hour with 'activities' - it's ok to just bum around a bit and relax!

Nightcrawly · 21/02/2009 22:05

Tell us what you do with your children during the week and whether it includes 100% attention and then we will be in a better position to judge.

Original poster
emkana · 21/02/2009 22:05

I'm specifically cheesed off this weekend because I've just come back from Germany after a week in Germany with the children and I thought we had agreed that dh would take the girls swimming tomorrow, now he says he won't as he wants to do gardening and wash the cars. But after a week without the children I thought he'd enjoy doing something with them!

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 21/02/2009 22:07

Did the girls know about the potential swimming trip? Because if they're feeling let down, then no, YANBU at all.

vjg13 · 21/02/2009 22:08

I think it sounds ok too.

Original poster
emkana · 21/02/2009 22:10

They knew about it yes. They are sort of okay with it but only because they're used to him not really doing any specific activities with them.

Btw I've taken them swimming three times since beginning of the year, I do craft activities with them, I took them sledging while the snow was there, we've done baking, we've been on shopping trips, and and and...

OP posts:
SazzlesA · 21/02/2009 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GossipMonger · 21/02/2009 22:11

He sounds great and I disagree with kids being entertained all the time

I am sure they will be happy washing the car or playing out or doing a bit of gardening

IIWY I would go out for a while and leave him with all three - go for a coffee and read the paper somewhere quiet.......

TheCrackFox · 21/02/2009 22:11

Your DCs will enjoy washing the car with him, whilst you relax in the bath (with the door locked).

YABU ish. He has to be the kind of dad he wants to be.

Nightcrawly · 21/02/2009 22:14

Apologies for disagreeing but I don't think taking them swimming 3 times since the beginning of the year is anything to write home about, shopping trips are the same as he is doing by taking them to the DIY shop, craft and baking are good, but suspect you son't do that all the time they are at home with you. It is actually good for DC's to be bored, they don't have to be occupied all the time with activites.

Original poster
emkana · 21/02/2009 22:17

The point is though that while I agree that children should have some time to spend as they like and possibly be bored I also plan for stuff every weekend, to make it a mixture.

Dh would like to leave it at the "just leave them to it" bit

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 21/02/2009 22:39

We just had words. As I had thought what really gets dh is when he feels I make decisions over how he spends his time.

Also he is reluctant to take both dd's as he finds it hard to deal with them when they bicker over who goes first etc etc

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 21/02/2009 22:47

I'm sorry this has got to the "having words" stage.

Would a compromise be to do something once a fortnight? Say Saturday mornings? Then the rest of the time is pottering?

How do you deal with them when they bicker?

I have an only child, I have no experience of this. But can he learn from how others deal with it?

Original poster
emkana · 21/02/2009 22:54

I don't like it either when they bicker but just try to negotiate compromises, dh just gets annoyed.

I'm all for compromises, but dh would just feel again that he's being told what to do...

right pissed off with him atm

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 21/02/2009 22:59

he sounds a right nob.

Does that help more????

Sorry, when you're pissed off there's nothing worse than people trying to give you advice instead of just agreeing. Sorry.

You write very calmly when you're pee'd off.

mrsmaidamess · 21/02/2009 23:01

Sounds like my dh too. Altho if I suggest him taking the boys out, he's usually up for it. He doesn't always take the iniative.

Original poster
emkana · 21/02/2009 23:03

dh has now said he will take dd1 swimming tomorrow and dd2 next week.

OP posts:
morethan1 · 22/02/2009 01:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle · 22/02/2009 08:04

YABVVVVVVU I'll lend you my STBXH for a week I guarantee you'll be desperate to have yours back!!
Why is there this necessity to "DO" stuff with the kids all the time - relaxed normal time together is fine....

screamingabdab · 22/02/2009 15:57

Hi emkana
I read this yesterday and have been thinking a lot about it because you sound quite a lot like how I used to feel.
I have 3) insights to offer

  1. You seem to expect your husband to parent in the same way as you. But he can offer something else, and that's what's so great about being in a couple

  2. Does your husband have a stressful job, does he enjoy it? When my DH was not enjoying his job i found he would do less with the kids, and would make me feel guilty about asking him to. Things are much better now he has a more enjoyable job (although he actually works longer hours)

3)Do you ever go out on your own at the weekends? i think the most revealing thing you say is that he finds it hard to deal with all the DCs. I think you need to go out for a few hours every weekend (don't ask, just do it). This will mean he has to get on with it, and if he just ends up reading the paper, at least you won't be there to see it! It really sound like the kids are fine, but maybe you need to get out and be yourself a bit more

Sorry about the essay.

Original poster
emkana · 22/02/2009 20:40

screamingabdab, am too tired now to reply in more detail, but just wanted to say that I think you make some very valuable points which I certainly will give thought to

OP posts:
flibbertywidget · 22/02/2009 20:56

Emkana - I think this is an interesting thread.. Why? My DH is a stay at home dad and I am the breadwinner (not through choice, but he can;t seem to get his lazy butt into a job!)

every night I come home without fail and feed dd, bathe her and put her to bed. I get up every night if she wakes up, he never does.

Every weekend, I look after her and do as much with her as possible, swimming, shopping if required (for me), basically it is me and dd time and I treasure it. I am 14wks pg. We don't seem to change the routine around, i.e. he puts to bed, he simply does his own thing and treats it like his weekend off. Sometimes i would also like a weekend off. or at least a couple of hours to recharge my batteries.

He also has a "day off" during the week when she goes to nursery. He doesn't do housework.

God, I wished my DH did more at the weekends with dd, especially as this pg is making me so tired. Who cares what more is, whether its a walk in the park or taking them to softplay for 8 hrs.

My view is that parenting is a partnership, just because the men may have stressful jobs (as do I), doesn't give them a free card to not take part in parenting at the weekend. Sorry if I went on a rant here.. maybe I need to bugger off for a couple of hours at the weekend too LOL.

Good luck with ensuring your DH starts to get more involved... I hope he takes the opportunity xx