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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that wedding present from in-laws in a hoover

82 replies

kiterunner · 21/02/2009 21:57

It's not the cost (well, it is a bit) but the unromantic practical nature when it is their only son getting married. And I do think it is a bit mean - they are not rolling in cash but they are not broke either. But if they spent the same but bought a thoughtful present I'd be fine about it.

OP posts:
moondog · 21/02/2009 23:52

A carriage clock??

Are you 78 and living in a retirement complex near Leamington Spa?

Qally · 21/02/2009 23:54

Ooooooh. Okay, I see your confusion now.

Thing is, wedding presents here are traditionally given to equip a couple's house, because when they were first given people didn't use to live together before marriage. That's why lists started, because the joke went that people ended up with five toasters - it's not unusual to put complete dinner services on, and for guests to buy say a single setting each, or a coffee pot. So it's normal for closer friends/relatives to give a household appliance, and a decent hoover is a nice present in those terms. Here, giving a vase is finr and totally acceptable, because it's a gift so up to the giver, but a useful household item is more conventional, not less, iyswim. Romantic gifts are from the couple to one another.

One friend gave us a top-notch microwave, and I was both touched and embarrassed by her generosity. Never even crossed my mind it was unromantic.

cory · 21/02/2009 23:54

Cultural thing no doubt. In my culture a gift of money from the ILs (or indeed from anyone else) would be seen as a very lazy and cold thing to give: might as well come with the gift label "couldn't be bothered to go round the shops as we don't want to waste too much time thinking about you". (If you want to give money, you do that at some other time, but not at the wedding). Wedding gifts are for setting up the home.

ScottishMummy · 21/02/2009 23:58

if you seek affirmation by how much was spent,then that is sad.you are all now family.supposed to have deeper bonds than who bought what.

what will you do when children arrive,keep a score list of who spent what?

piratecat · 21/02/2009 23:59

i got a hoover, from my bil, it's lasted longer than the marriage.

mamas12 · 22/02/2009 00:06

Count yourself lucky mu mil gave her second hand single bed for a wedding present now is that romantic?

myfunnynametaken · 22/02/2009 00:12

mine didn't give us anything

twentypence · 22/02/2009 01:08

Having just had a broken 10 year old Dyson, and taking the decision that even though it was fantastic - it wasn't worth fixing a 3rd time or replacing with a $1000 roller ball job and ending up with a not very nice - but perfectly capable of doing the job one. I would be delighted at getting this as a present.

My PILs got us a lovely (and now quite valuable) painting as a wedding present. I can't remember what my mum and dad got us but I know it was off the list.

Funnily enough I can remember all the people and presents where the list was ignored and they bought something they liked. i can't remember who got what off the list.

If I had my time over again I wouldn't do the list.

beanieb · 22/02/2009 10:35

OH, I didn't want to imply you were money grabbing, just wanted to know if there was a list because perhaps they just chose something off it. There isn't, so I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think it's a terrible present

TotalChaos · 22/02/2009 10:39

pmsl at the second hand single bed! yab a little u - as others have said english culture is you get boringly practical presents.

Original poster
kiterunner · 22/02/2009 10:40

morning! thanks everyone - they are very english so I guess it's the normal thing to them. And don't worry - I was very nice about when we got it (I may be unreasonable but I'm not rude!)

What's your culture Cory, where it would be rude to give money?

OP posts:
ladyjuliafish · 22/02/2009 11:00

Traditionally its rude to give money in English culture although its fairly common now to give money or vouchers to couples who have lived together before the wedding. When I got married 7 years ago an elderly family friend phoned my mother and asked if she thought I would mind if she gave money as she wasn't well enough to go shopping etc. She gave me enough money to buy my entire Wedgwood dinner service but she was really apologetic that she hadn't given us a proper present. From her genteel old lady pov she was being rude/impersonal/vulgar but to us she was incredibly generous.

Nabster · 22/02/2009 11:03

YABU and you sound materialistic tbh.

My DH cousins bought us a car hoover for a present and even though it wasn't on our list it has been very useful. When you grow up you will see how useful presents can sometimes be the best.

I suggest you don't let your new husband know how you feel about his parents present.

Nabster · 22/02/2009 11:07

After all, it is not a present for me really, it is for their only child who I am marrying. They didn't even get champagne (or cava) when we announced our engagement.

So does your husbnad know he is doing all the hoovering since it wasn't a present for you? Why was it not for you, did it only say to our only son and not his ungratful bride? And the comment about no fizz does make you sound grabby. As does the mention of the big cheque from your parents. I give it 4 years.

kiddiz · 22/02/2009 11:56

My parents just bought me a microwave oven for my birthday. Another year DH bought me a new iron! We did need both those things so I just spent what they would have cost on things for me
On the subject of hint dropping. My fil, for several years, bought me books on household management and cleaning every birthday and Christmas. Do you think he was trying to tell me something?

Flibbertyjibbet · 22/02/2009 12:02

I don't think its so much rude to GIVE money, as to ASK for it.

If someone wants to give me money thats fine I won't go 'urgh take it away, how rude of you'. But when people say 'we already have everything we need please give cash or vouchers' or a wedding I went to last summer where they were honeymooning in New York and asked for dollars as wedding presents.... rude rude rude.

(Very english me)

I also think its very rude to compare what one side of the family gives compared to another. If your fiance is English he will be happy with whatever is given as we English all know that its the Thought That Counts

And if his parents have given HIM a vaccuum cleaner then you have certainly picked the right bloke...

belgo · 22/02/2009 12:23

my parents in law gave us an iron. It broke after two years. Fortunately the marriage is 7 years and counting.

belgo · 22/02/2009 12:24

Perhaps your in laws find you flat a little dusty, hence the need for a vacuum cleaner?

belgo · 22/02/2009 12:25

oh and my sister in law gave us a bog brush as a present once.

cory · 22/02/2009 12:55

mamas12 on Sun 22-Feb-09 00:06:24
"Count yourself lucky mu mil gave her second hand single bed for a wedding present now is that romantic?"

Well, that depends on the quality of sex she'd had in it. If you think about it, it might be a very romantic gift

cory · 22/02/2009 12:57

Northern Europe, kiterunner. All presents displayed on pretty lace-covered table at the party held when the banns are called. A cheque in that kind of context would look very vulgar. At least to my family.

bubblagirl · 22/02/2009 13:00

i think weddings are difficult to buy for as get so many presents they have got you a practical present a hoover may not be your choice but it was a present given with thought from them and that is what really counts

bronze · 22/02/2009 13:10

I didn't want present at all as I felt they were for setting up home and we already had a home and belongings in it I felt like a fraud. BUt people insisted so we did a list in the end.
We tried doing what Qally mentioned where you divide something up so people can buy smaller mounts. We decided to put individual cutlery on the list so my broke mates ( I had just turned 21 so student mates) could buy us one knife if they wanted to get something as a token. Of DHs Gran came along and bought the lot leaving only the dearer stuff.

I love practical gifts. Think of it as instead o getting a cut glass vase that you hide you free up some of your own money to spend as you so want as you don't then need to buy the item you were given.

YABU

purpleduck · 22/02/2009 13:14

"They didn't even get champagne (or cava) when we announced our engagement".

I am speechless!!! Is that a LAW that the parents must fork over for some champagne?

UnquietDad · 22/02/2009 13:16

Wedding presents are not supposed to be romantic. They are supposed to be useful stuff for setting up home with.