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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want sister's DD to stay when I give birth

46 replies

ChocFudgeCake · 21/02/2009 00:13

Summer due date. But already giving things a thought. I have 2 children -4 and 3 so I would do with some help. My family is overseas. DH's family is in Italy, but I don't want MIL here, we have too many issues. My mum is not coming, but she asked my sister. I spoke to her today and she said that if she manages to come she'll bring her DD, she'll be just 6. I said no straightaway. I used the excuse that "It's too many people, we only have 1 toilet and a lodger whe might move out when the baby comes". I told her to come when baby is 2 moths old, at least our lodger won't be here and I'll be feeling better. So the thing is:
When one gives birth and someones comes to help, if they come with their child it's not much help at all. Right? Also my sister said that her DD was scared that my children would beat her up. We visited them 2 years ago and one did. So 2 years later my sister is asking me if I think that my children will do it again. I thought, "Well I don't want to have to deal with this when I have a new baby.I'd rather go without help." Am I wrong?

OP posts:

lisad123 · 21/02/2009 00:24

well sorry, i think your being a little out of order. Your sisters offered to come and help you with a new baby, but explained she wasnt willing to leave her own LO at home, and yu say she cant come! I dont think i would come at all tbh if you were my sister. It is possibke for her to help with her dd with her, she'll be 6 she will able to do things for herself so your sister will have time.

you may well be going without help if your going to be so horribkle about a kind offer of help.

mm22bys · 21/02/2009 00:25

yanbu.

Can your sister come, but your niece stay with her dad?

She will need some supervision, but her mum will be with you!

Under these circumstances, no place for a six-year old.

YANBU

ravenAK · 21/02/2009 00:27

So, two years ago, your 2 year old duffed up her 4 year old? Blimey.

I think she's probably quite relieved you've said no, & you'd rather be without help if she has to bring her dd, so that's everyone sorted then...

Original poster

ChocFudgeCake · 21/02/2009 00:31

Ah, I didn't explained properly. My sister didn't offer to come, my mum asked her. She is only considering it. My niece is scared of my children, has never travelled, does not speak English and has a father and grandmothers and aunties where she lives, not that she would stay on her own if she didn't come. But, thanks for your reply.

OP posts:

twentypence · 21/02/2009 00:31

I would be able to take ds who is 6 and still help be a help.

I think you and dh will be able to manage.

Original poster

ChocFudgeCake · 21/02/2009 00:35

mm22bys, IMO she could very well stay at home, but my sister said that she had to bring her, so I asked no further questions.

ravenAK, Yes, that's what I thought. My sis even asked if I thought that Ds's would beat her DD up again. And I told her that they don't have any problems with other children, but you never know.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChocFudgeCake · 21/02/2009 00:38

Twentypence, maybe it's hard for me to see because I've never had a 6 year old...

OP posts:

lisad123 · 21/02/2009 00:44

well my 6 year old can dress herself, go to toilet alone, get herslef a drink, work the sky plus box, help me with the baby, play without needing me all the time, brush her teeth, help me make lunch and gerenally pretty good at amussing herslef. hope this helps. And i would live her in another country to go and help sister tbh.

lisad123 · 21/02/2009 00:45

sorry that last part should read I wouldnt leave her.. gd im tired

branflake81 · 21/02/2009 07:05

YABU. Your sister will be helping you out and doing you a favour. Can't you meet her half way? Your niece is part of the family too. It also sounds to me like you resent your niece being "scared" of your children. It will probably help her realise that whatever happened between them was nothing and she'll learn to be friends with her cousins.

mm22bys · 21/02/2009 08:30

Ultimately it's your choice if you don't want your niece there.

This is what I don't get about MN, very often a MIL offers to help and it's nearly unanimous that it's ok not to want her there, but it's desirable for a six year old to be present?

I agree that the outstanding issues between the cousins need to be resolved, but not when labour's happening!

YANBU

BalloonSlayer · 21/02/2009 08:35

What is this "help" thing I keep hearing about when people have new babies?

Is it something you are entitled to, like Child Benefit?

Have I missed out?

lilymolly · 21/02/2009 08:37

I dont get the "help" thing too!

Dont we just have to get one and do it?

izzybiz · 21/02/2009 08:43

Sorry but I', with the others on why do you need help?
My dad has always been a long distance lorry driver, my mum had 4 children and had to manage on her own, he even missed the birth of my youngest brother as he couildn't get back in time.

I'm not being funny but you have to just get into a routine, single mums have to do it all the time!

Good luck!

Cies · 21/02/2009 08:44

I think YABU and rather ungrateful. It sounds rather stressful to have a non-English speaking little cousin around with a newborn in the house, BUT I wouldn't expect sister to leave her own child in another country to come and help me.

MrsTittleMouse · 21/02/2009 08:50

But the OP doesn't expect her sister to come on her own! Her Mum asked her sister. I think that it's perfectly resonable to say "no thank you". How silly to have to take up every offer of help for fear of offending!

lisad123 · 21/02/2009 09:12

But the OP made it clear she wants some help, and it seems this is the only offer of help she wil get. I agree you shouldnt take up help, but then dont moan about it.

hercules1 · 21/02/2009 09:17

I dont understand why her daughter is scared of your kids. How on earth did your then 2 year old or one year old beat up her then 4 year old??? If there was a scuffle how on earth does the 6 year old remember this and harbour a resentment/fear without adult reinforcement?

I can understand her wanting to bring her 6 year old and as your own children will be there anyway to be looked after etc another older child wont make a difference.

Kimi · 21/02/2009 09:19

Can people not have babies without needing outside help now?
I know loads of people who have had from their 1st to their 7th without needing someone to come and help, nice yes necessary NO.

Sorry but YABU and your sister needs to get over the fact kids fight

choochoochaboogie · 21/02/2009 11:11

Just explain to me in words of 1 syllable WHY your mum isn't coming?? Is it cos you don't want her, or she is too ill/infirm/useless or she does not want to come and help her DD?? Sounds like just the time a girl needs her mum to me.......

piscesmoon · 21/02/2009 11:18

YABU- You have asked someone to help who has a child-she will have the same difficulty that you have getting child care!

Sparkletastic · 21/02/2009 11:18

You have your DH to help - your sister has her own family and of course she won't want to leave her 6-year old DD.

HappyMummyOfOne · 21/02/2009 11:22

I dont get the "help" thing too, surely you and your DH can manage fine in your own.

If you dont want your sister to come then just tell her, I wouldnt leave my own child at home either to go and look after somebodies elses unless an emergency.

oldladygarden · 21/02/2009 11:23

I can understand that you want and possibley need help when your new baby arrives.

I can see this from both sides - a six year is usually very independent and may well help rather than hinder. I would'nt leave a child of this age in another country.

I also can feel your panic at being a bit overwhelmed at too many kids underfoot.

I think this might end in tears. i would try and hire some help ie a doula.

electra · 21/02/2009 11:24

I think YABU, sorry. You can't expect her to leave her dd behind when she's only 6. Also, your niece will be able to play with your children, her cousins and this will give you some time to get yourself together.

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