Don't want sister's DD to stay when I give birth

[ChocFudgeCake]

Summer due date. But already giving things a thought. I have 2 children -4 and 3 so I would do with some help. My family is overseas. DH's family is in Italy, but I don't want MIL here, we have too many issues. My mum is not coming, but she asked my sister. I spoke to her today and she said that if she manages to come she'll bring her DD, she'll be just 6. I said no straightaway. I used the excuse that "It's too many people, we only have 1 toilet and a lodger whe might move out when the baby comes". I told her to come when baby is 2 moths old, at least our lodger won't be here and I'll be feeling better. So the thing is:
When one gives birth and someones comes to help, if they come with their child it's not much help at all. Right? Also my sister said that her DD was scared that my children would beat her up. We visited them 2 years ago and one did. So 2 years later my sister is asking me if I think that my children will do it again. I thought, "Well I don't want to have to deal with this when I have a new baby.I'd rather go without help." Am I wrong?

Hire yourself for a cleaner for a few weeks/months after the baby is born to ease your workload; sounds less stressful than having your sister and her dd over. Why not your mum?

If she did come, how long would your sister be staying? If it were more than a week then YABU to expect her to leave her dd & I would expect you to be able to guarantee your dc doesn't "beat her up" (makes your dc sound horrendous putting it like that) but if she means will they argue & disagree, well children all do sometimes.

YANBU, say thanks very much for the offer but it would be nice for your kids to get to know baby before anyone else comes to visit, my friend offered to come and help with dd2 with her very rowdy boys, no way.

YABU Your sister has offered to help, but you don't want it because she wants to bring her six year old DD. I would have thought that would have been nice for your older children to have another child to play with, ah but hang on - they beat her up!! . I hope that you said to her that it would probably be best not to bring DD in case your children played up again!!

Don't be posting a thread on here when the baby comes saying "no one is helping me"

The words, own bed, lie in it - spring to mind. Sorry

YABU and ungrateful. If you need help, perhaps think about hiring paid help, then you will be able to dictate the exac terms and conditions ?

Just to note that my 6yo reads bedtime stories to his younger siblings, helps them to put on their pyjamas, and puts them to bed. All by himself. Bless

Thanks for all the replies.
Ok. It all started when I asked my mum if she would like to come, not "please come because I'm useless and cannot possibly have a baby without you", because the past times DH and I have more or less done without help. But it has been very stressful because I have had postnatal depression. Anyways my mum said "I don't think I can come". She has a very selfish partner who cannot spare her 2 weeks. But I didn't insist. Next thing I know my mum is recruiting my sister, who I love very much, no issues with her. I would have never thought of asking her because she has her own child. Over this 2 years when we speak on the phone she sometimes says that my niece is still scared of my children. I do think that it is over the top, my niece also punched DS a bit on the same occasion. But I just thought "That's children". And that is what I told her last time we spoke. My niece is very apprehenssive about this and she doesn't really wants to come, my sister was trying to get some promise of me that my kids won't beat her up, to reassure her, nothing extreme should happen of course! But I thought I don't need this extra pressure. So just offered her that they both come at a later date when hopefully I'm settled into a routine (and I can treat this as their holidays, not expecting her to help).
I'm glad to know that for many mums it's just normal to get on with things after having a baby. In my experience it has been very hard and 3rd time ended up on medication for 2 years. I think I will just try to be very organized this time.

ChocFudgeCake, I think your OP has been misinterpreted by lots of the replies here. You sound very sensible to me.

And to all those who say 'why do you need help' - well I certainly did with my third. DH had very little time off. I seemed to be BFing 24 hours a day - the others couldn't just look after themselves. Its not odd to think that support is a good thing.

I agree that sister doesn't sound like best solution. Hope you can find some other options.

I needed help! I could have managed without, but given a choice I would rather not. I don't blame you at all but it doesn't sound as if your sister is the best choice.

it sounds like your sister is not really interested in helping anyhow by using an incident that happened two years ago for a reason not to come. its not unreasonable to not want any more children there... and not all children are as well behaved as lisad123's DD is. my friend came by to help me out a couple of days after i gave birth to my first and she brought her 6 year old. she's always been fine before but when she saw the baby, she wouldn't come in the house. once we got her in it was one spoiled brat moment after another. my friend left after her DD threw her milk and yelled about the baby's crying.

Haven't read the whole thread so this may have already been suggested: Have you thought about hiring a maternity nurse? I know they're not exactly cheap but they can be an absolute godsend if you find things difficult.

I think it's fair enough you don't want to have your niece staying as well and added pressure on your kids to behave.

How about a postnatal doula instead? Cheaper than a maternity nurse I think and she will help and support you and your family with no pressure/conditions. A good doula will also be very aware of post natal depression, issues with feedign, jealousy of older DCs etc.

I'm starting to warm too at the doula idea! I'll find out prices and details. Thanks

i can see why many posters say YABU and i agree with those who said that we are not entitled to have 'help'.

However you would like some help (and you have two more DC). The thing is it will not be much help and will not be quite with 3 under 6 in the house. I would rather go without such 'help' tbh.
Someone said that a 6 yrs old can behave well and look after herself. I agree. My 4 1/2 yrs behaves quite well when she is on her own. But not so when she is with dd2 and their cousins.

As for your sister mentioning what happened 2 yrs ago, makes me very (at her i mean)

ok look I may sound bloody rude here but it's more blunt in a good way

I had a similar issue my daughter was 5 I had just moved 200 miles knew no one and was having a home birth with panicking midwives freaking out at any available moment and hubby shrugging and me so stressed out I was ready to go find a quiet bush and go move there!
anyway as it turned out my daughter slept through the birth and we planned to be out of the game for a few weeks but in the grand scheme life went on no one was scarred for life as a result of taking life's chores in shifts.

ask yourself these questions?
do you REALLY want your sister to come over?
if not say thank you your offer is great but I think that it's better if you stop at home and come over when we're settled and she can come over for a period of time she'd like when she's ready and not obligated.

YOu must realise she's probably terrified of feeling overwhelmed trying to look after your brood with a scared 6 year old
yep they are very independant but in a whole new environment not even being understood?
it would be really quite wrong and putting upon.

here's the rude bit - why do you need help?
if your kids go to school then I'm sure either someone goes past who can stop and take them in the mornings and afternoons
they are capable of getting dressed especially if you start laying out clothes now drawing picture instructions of what they need pay for school meals for 2 weeks before D day and 7 weeks after - even if they aren't great they will cope
pre freeze meals like bolognaise chilli shepherds pie and what not then they just go in the micro and served with whatever is kicking about.
and as for the sheer exhaustion well you take it in shifts to share between you.
You could even offer your lodger free board for the month for his help with shopping etc

in the big huge picture if you are getting help and someone doesn't do something exactly right will it TRULY matter?

You probably don't realise it but you are seeming quite spoiled right now.

We all have personal coping things and we just get on with it and if it goes to shit you shrug and say yep that was shit!

Everyone seems to be running round after you
and you seem to be sticking 2 fingers up at them be TRUTHFUK with what help you need
so if you're knackered just say so if you aren't managing with shopping or something say so if noone knows they assume the help.

either compromise on the help you think you need or they will all turn round and say bugger you!

Absolutely you should have help if you need it, but it has to be on your terms. You're the one with the new baby, and it's your "moment".

don't care if others have managed the "squatting at the edge of the paddy field" getting on with it approach, that's exactly when you get problems and actually those squatting on the edge of fields still have masses of family around to help out....it is a VERY new thing for woman to handle babies all alone.

mmm.. sorry about that.

There is no point in having help just to make someone else feel better. Your mum asked her, not you (did she consult you??), and I agree, I'd be a bit wary of a mother and child (even if it's your sister) where the memory of being beaten up has not abated after 2 years. Very suspicious to me (assuming she hasn't been scarred for life)..

don't ask her to leave her daughter behind, just say thanks but no thanks. I think that's what you've done though?

Wtong? Yes, on many levels

You have no entitlement to your sister visiting.

If your sister does visit, then you should be grateful that she is visiting and accept her terms - which are that the daughter (your niece, incidentally) comes too

How on earth did you allow her daughter to get beaten up? Why is she psychologically scarred to the point of not wanting to repeat the visit

x-posts - you didn't know she was asking...

Just seen you last post - yes, get paid help. It was a different kind of struggle, having to find some extra money from nowhere, but god, when I had no family around it was great to have someone a few hours a week who could do exactly what I needed, not what they thought I should need!

This time I will have both mother and MIL, and various friends/cousins etc... and have NO idea how to handle it. I want as much help as thye're offering... but again I don't think it's help if you don't find it useful! My mum (wisely) has said "what do you want me to do when I'm here".. i've no idea!