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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let him go?

37 replies

Melscorp · 18/02/2009 14:22

I will try to make this as short as possible.

I had an operation a month ago. Two weeks ago I visited the GP and was advised that I needed 6 to 12 weeks rest as it was a very delicate procedure and the slightest movement could tear the stitches and I would end up where I started.

My husband's mother is due to return to her country on Friday morning, I still am not supposed to lift, carry, bend etc (which is EXTREMELY difficult with a two year old). My husband's mother insisted that he accompany her back, as she is SCARED to travel by herself.

I did ask my cousin if I could stay with him, his wife and toddler daughter, but they weren't sure as they are planning a holiday to Florida. The rest of my family are abroad.

My daughter is two and like many of you, I have NEVER had a day, let alone a night away from her. When my husband and I went away once for a weekend, she went with us. Every where I go, she goes. I think what I am saying is I have no one to help.

I am therefore worried to be on my own in my current predicament with my daughter for 10 days.

What do you think????? Am I just being selfish??

My husband says he will stay if I want him to, but he has paid for his tickets already and I am also afraid of being deemed as.........

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 18/02/2009 14:24

Eh no YANBU, this is the time when YOU need your dh's support. I would be angry that he is even considering leaving you!!

BennyAndSwoon · 18/02/2009 14:25

Get DH to take toddler with them.

Then your MIL will be scared NOT to travel alone

nkf · 18/02/2009 14:30

Will he have to go to work during the next few months? If so, you may need more help than just him. You sound very isolated and this is the time to demand help. Throw money at the problem, insist that you are supported. It sounds as if you should be in bed. Good luck. You are not being selfish.

BitOfFun · 18/02/2009 14:31

BennyAndSwoon has given an excellent suggestion there - don't wimp out - make it happen!

alicet · 18/02/2009 14:31

Yes get him to take toddler too!

Niftyblue · 18/02/2009 14:31

Yanbu

He either stays and let ML travel back on her own she is a big girl and I think is bang out of order asking Your dh to travel back with her

Or they take dd with them

personally I would go for her travelling back on her own

why is it 10 days????

myfunnynametaken · 18/02/2009 14:33

I agree, your dh should take your dd with him so you can have a proper rest.

Has your dh taken 12 weeks off work to look after you then?

pillsthrillsandbellyaches · 18/02/2009 14:33

OMG. YANBU.

Ivykaty44 · 18/02/2009 14:36

Wouldn't it be great for your dd to go with your dh and MIL. It would take your MIL mind of the trip - having her gd with her and it would be good for your dh to have some bonding time with dd on his own so to speak.

You would then get complete rest at home which would do you the world of good and you will look forward to seeing your dd return with all her littel news.

DandyLioness · 18/02/2009 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

purpleduck · 18/02/2009 14:42

Why is it 10 days - does your MIL live on the moon?
How did she get here?

Nabster · 18/02/2009 14:43

YANBU

I think you need your husband more than his mother tbh and there must be someone who can look after her on the flight.

Her travelling alone will not cause any physical problems whereas you doing too much, might.

moyasmum · 18/02/2009 14:56

You are 1/2 way through your prescribed recovery time, you might feel you have good days ,but to put this stress on you is cruel.
You are a normal person so take your normal recovery period. You can do no more.
Your husband has to support you as the health people expect him to,and not airily think you are putting it all on .
So where does that leave your mil?

Not having any say in the matter, she wants a travelling companion, she arranges it.

jenhden · 18/02/2009 16:28

i don't think this is fair at all but if he does go you need help! i was ill for a while with a 2 yr old and new baby and asked for help from social services - trust me they are not to be feared and they exist for these times. i got help with bathing the girls, taken round the supermarket, preparing meals, even washing the clothes until i was better - and great company at the same time! if you can't afford help they are there.
it might even focus his mind about the choices he is leaving you with!

Itsjustafleshwound · 18/02/2009 16:33

YANBU...

Surely there will be people and other airline staff who can be roped in/paid to make sure your MIL gets back safely ...

Your needs and your family needs should overwrite any hold your MIL has over your DH - It is a total no brainer to expect your DH to tell his mum to make other plans as he has his family to look after???

Original poster
Melscorp · 19/02/2009 12:13

Thank you very much for all your supportive words and advice. I am so glad that I found this website.

I hadn't read the responses and began feeling as if maybe I was being a bit selfish to want him to stay with me. I told him that I would try and contact my friend again.

Lastnight my DD had a temperature and I was up for most of the night with her. At 10.30 p.m. I asked DH to get my medicine for me (it is something I have to aaply once a day) and he said he would do it later as we had to give DD her medicine at midnight anyway. he fell asleep and awoke at 2 a.m. I was a bit annoyed and said something terse when he asked me where I was going. I responded, "To pack your suitcase!!!". We were up until about 4 a.m., at which point I must have fallen asleep. He woke me up at 6 a.m. (as he was about to leave for work and DD needed her dose of medicine).

MIL awoke about 9.30 a.m. (Didn't understand that myself as she knew DD had a fever since yesterday and she went to bed around 9 p.m. and didn't come to check on DD. Maybe I am just being unreasonable???). About 15 minutes after she surfaced she asked me in her native tongue if DH was still going with her (I understood the gist of what she was asking). I said I didn't know and shrugged my shoulders and went into the kitchen. You could imagine how SHOCKED I was that she was crying when I came back out. I WANTED TO SCREAM!!!!!! Was this all for real?? Lastnight I had a bad night, pain wise and now..........

I don't know if I am from ANOTHER PLANET, but shouldn't she be saying that she thinks it would be best if DH stayed with me and my DD. Especially as my DD was ill lastnight!!! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!

I plan to say to DH tonight, that I think it would be best if he stays with me next week. He will lose the money and his holiday time, but as MYFUNNYNAMETAKEN asked if he took twelve weeks off to be with me, it made me think. The answer is "NO". He took the day I had the operation off, but has been snowed under at work, besides his Mum was supposed to be looking after us (Which is another story).

Yes, the operation was preplanned, although in fairness the NHS had no idea what they were going to do. It was exploratory surgery with the options to do X, Y and Z if they discovered.... (Another thread, I fear)

MOYASMUM, you made me LAUGH!!!! I wish I had read this before or even posted this thread before.

I totally agree with you, ITSJUSTAFLESHWOUND. Other people travel on their own. I know there are other reasons for her to be upset, but when I try to raise them with DH he says I am paranoid.

Please help!!!

(Please forgive me for not mentioning everyone on this thread, as ....... I have read each post)

OP posts:
Helen31 · 19/02/2009 12:35

You are so NBU Melscorp. MIL sounds very manipulative - perhaps you could squeeze out a few tears eh and see how she likes it?

Whatever happens for those 10 days - and I can honestly say my DH would never dream of leaving me in this situation for such a lame MIL issue - could you stretch to buying in some extra help, like a doula (do they do slightly older children?) for the rest of your recovery time?

I take it that MIL changing her tickets and staying until you are well is not an attractive option, based on your hints?

But you do need to tell us which planet country she is coming from that DH needs to go for 10 days.

Best of luck and look after yourself. DD and DH need you fighting fit!

Wizzska · 19/02/2009 12:38

Try to reverse the situation. What would your MIL expect if she were ill, what would your DH expect from you if he were ill. Chances are neither would be worried that they were being unreasonable or selfish.

Helen31 · 19/02/2009 12:41

Wise words Wizzska

VinegarTits · 19/02/2009 12:50

YANBU you need to tell him he has got to stay

Sounds like your mil is testing him to see if she is still number one in his life

Did she travel to you on her own?

Even if you were not recovering from surgery i would still think he was BU to spend 10 days away just to take his mum home, fgs is is a grown up

Tell her you will go in his place, i am sure she will get over her fear of travelling alone very quickly if you do

Wizzska · 19/02/2009 12:53

Thanks Helen.

Like the tears idea by the way [mutual appreciation society]

They probably think you are ok because you are trying your best to cope. Do yourself a favour and ham it up a bit, a few more groans here and there can't hurt. Have a rest and say you're in loads of pain. Make them realise that you actually are ill and you do need help. You really are allowed to, on doctors orders.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 19/02/2009 12:57

she sounds totally U. And YANBU.

Is there more to this? I can't imagine that there would be enough to change my opinion, but as things are, I just cannot understand by your MIL would do this or your DH would pander to her. His responsibilities are prmarily to you and your DD.

pingviner · 19/02/2009 16:40

YANBU!

You are a month post surgery: You are very much in the recovery period. No matter how physically well you appear to an observer your body is still healing. You state you are still in pain, and are at risk of wound dehiscence: you are also in the time period when infections of scars etc are possible (and I dont know what type of surgery you have had so I cant comment on any specific risks, but if its intraabdominal there are lots of other consequences possible if there is an infection or dehiscience. You need to be honest about the pain you are in and what could potentially go wrong- and point out that any repeat or rescue operations are often more complicated and would need even more time for recovery.

If your husband does go away for 10days leaving you alone with a 2 year old what happens if any of the above do go wrong? if you need to go into hospital again?
It does sound as though your MIL doesnt realise the seriousness or if she does shes playing MIL games... Why is he going to be away for 10 days - is that due to travel or is there some holiday time built in?

Is there any way either of these problems could be outsourced a bit - eg you could (finances willing) hire a mothers help for some physical assistance if he insists on going - or could the airline etc companies be contacted to provide extra help for MIL eg escort/luggage assistance as a vulnerable traveller: or does it need to be her boy looking after her?

pingping · 19/02/2009 16:44

YANBU

How did your MIL get to you?

screamingabdab · 19/02/2009 17:45

YANBU