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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this?

26 replies

muggglewump · 17/02/2009 19:36

My brother is getting married in April, it's his second marriage.
I saw my Dad last week and he asked if I'd got my invitation, I said no and assumed it would come the next day. It didn't arrive.
I was just talking to my Dad who told me that I'm not invited because my brother knows I have no childcare for DD and it's a child free wedding (children including my brother's 10 year old son).
Now, I have no issue with the child free, I wouldn't have gone to the wedding anyway, It's in Leicestershire and my budget doesn't stretch to that which again my brother does know but is it unreasonable of me to expect a card perhaps explaining my lack of invite?

Admittedly we aren't close so perhaps I shouldn't feel hurt, but I do.

OP posts:
ellenjames · 17/02/2009 19:37

yeah i would be well pissed off, it's the principle of at least being invited!

Notintheknow · 17/02/2009 19:38

YANBU - that's awful. He should at the very, very least have sent you an invite. Hope he apologises soon.

compo · 17/02/2009 19:39

where do you live? if your brother thinks you wouldn't go because of finances maybe he is offended?
do you have a good relationship normally?

Original poster
muggglewump · 17/02/2009 19:40

What I mean is, AIBU to be upset by the lack of explanation, rather than the lack of invite?

OP posts:
Original poster
muggglewump · 17/02/2009 19:42

I live near Glasgow.
I'm upset on my Dad's part too if I'm honest. He's 84 is suffering with arthritis atm and walks with a stick. He won't drive that far, won't fly and getting there is hardly easy.
My brother lives in London but apparently likes this country house in Leicestershire so randomly chose there
London would be easier to get to!

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 17/02/2009 19:42

YANBU
your brother should have invited you and let you say sorry Ican't go, what if you had managed to get childcare sorted, think it was v thoughtless of him

beanieb · 17/02/2009 19:43

I think he should have let you know why he wasn't inviting you.
How did you find out about the wedding?

Nabster · 17/02/2009 19:44

I think tbh that people can't do right for doing wrong.

drinkmoretea · 17/02/2009 19:47

Err, it's your brothers wedding and his own 10 year old son is not allowed to be there?

Did I read that right??

ChampagneDahling · 17/02/2009 19:47

YANBU - I think your brother should have let you know a) that he was getting married and b) why he wasn't inviting you. No point in alienating family - may need them someday.

Thunderduck · 17/02/2009 19:50

YANBU. It's polite to send an invitation even if you know the potential guest can't go and allow them to decline,not make the decision for them.

TheCrackFox · 17/02/2009 19:55

YANBU, it would piss me off big style. I would have expected an invite.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 17/02/2009 19:58

YANBU - your brother sounds very insensitive tbh. And not having his own son at his wedding - that is very odd imo.

hannahsaunt · 17/02/2009 20:02

Definitely NBU. We invited quite a few people whom we knew absolutely wouldn't be able to come but wanted them to know that we thought of them, that we wanted them to share in our celebration, that we included them in our thinking about the wedding - didn't matter that they couldn't come, we wanted them to feel a part of what was happening.

Original poster
muggglewump · 17/02/2009 20:02

Yes drinkmoretea, no children at all.

I did know about the wedding, my Dad told me so I knew it was happenning, although I found out about the engagement by spotting the huge rock on his fiances finger.
It's just now the invitations have been sent out and I feel a bit upset that I didn't get one or an explanation as to why.
I'm the only family member who hasn't been invited, even my cousin who has two kids (2 and 8 weeks) has been.

OP posts:
Nabster · 17/02/2009 20:09

Maybe he was epxecting your dad to tell you? Maybe he was trying to spare your feelings? Maybe he didn't want to waste an invite for someone he knew wouldn't/couldn't go?

Maybe you could call him and talk to him?

Original poster
muggglewump · 17/02/2009 21:07

Yes he did expect my Dad to tell me. He's told my Dad why I'm not invited.
I very much doubt he's sparing my feelings.

There will be no phone call to ask. Just too awkward but I now realise how low down I am on my brother's list when it comes to his wedding. So low I don't feature

OP posts:
Original poster
muggglewump · 17/02/2009 23:14

I've long thought my brother is ashamed of me, I feel this confirms it.
He's an accountant (corporate, he works for Earnst & Young, 6 figure salary), I'm a waitress, just gone back to work after 7 years at home being a lone parent on benefits.
I bet he has workmates at his wedding, but introducing his sister would be just too embarrassing for him

Way to make me feel good.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 17/02/2009 23:28

I have a cunning plan. Ring this country house up and ask if they have a babysitter service and then book yourself in. !!!!!!!!!
Who is looking after your dds cousin? It's appalling he isn't invited either, I bet he feels worse than you, his own father love him Can't you invite him up to spend time with you at that time.

ginormoboobs · 17/02/2009 23:31

YANBU. A phonecall would be nice instead of asking your poor dad to pass on the msg.

As for the being ashamed of you...
My MIL thinks of herself as a class above my family (she so is not ).
On our wedding day she became a drunken mess during the meal , at one point I sent my DH to remove our 11mo and 2yo from her as she was almos falling off the seat.
Her family bored everyone rigid with tales of home improvement , holidays etc.
She passed out drunk in the corner , her SIL threw a drink at her OH and most of his lot were drunken and blubbing messes by the end of the night (hank fuck we left early and they were in a pub)
My lot were complemented on being a bloody good laugh and amazingly well restrained to tolerate DHs lot.

Just because people THINK that they are better than you does not make them better than you. Anyone who can't even be arsed to call their own sister to explain why she was not invited to his wedding is the family emabarassment , not the hardworking single mum.

honeybehappy · 17/02/2009 23:53

YANBU and i understand how you feel but the comment you made about his venue for the wedding was abit . i mean its his wedding he should have it where he wants it.

"My brother lives in London but apparently likes this country house in Leicestershire so randomly chose there
London would be easier to get to!"

cat64 · 17/02/2009 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
muggglewump · 18/02/2009 00:04

Ooh, you have a point.
I'd love to invite my nephew to stay, I've a feeling my brother would not allow it, he may get a common accent, or play out in the street and mix with state school kids or suchlike.

My ex SIL is good fun though, very down to earth although she married (my brother) for money. She has an interesting family though so doesnt do the Daily Mail esque crap that my brother does.

I've neglected my relationship with my family for years, I avoided them as I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even pay for my own coffee, my budget was so tight, but now I can pay and I've worked on it. My Aunt and Uncle appreciate it, they have been great, my brother not so much clearly.

I guess a wedding that my own nephew isn't invited to should tell me about my brother's motives, and it's clear he's not thinking as a parent.

Perhaps I should draw a line under our relationship?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 18/02/2009 00:08

Gosh this is sad

How do your parents feel about this? Because as a parent I would be very upset if either of my children behaved like this.

Original poster
muggglewump · 18/02/2009 00:13

honeybehappy, our Dad is 84, he is struggling to walk with arthritis, he won't drive, it's too far for him to drive alone and he won't fly at all.
It's not an easy place to get to on public transport, London is at least straight through.
Of course it's his wedding, he should have it where he wants with who he wants but it's bothered me, it's upset our Dad (Our Mum died 7 years ago) and I'm not sure the family will travel but I can be sure they will not agree with him banning his son.

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