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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not get why women (who already have children) go on and on about "just one more"

59 replies

redskyatnight · 17/02/2009 08:40

Friend 1 - has 2 DC, 7 and 5. Her DH has said "no more" (actually he only ever wanted 1 child). Constantly goes on about how much she just wants another baby and won't be fulfilled without ...

Friend 2 - also has 2 DC (9 and 4). DH is open to the idea of another child but they live in a 2 bed house and can't afford to move to something bigger. 3rd child clearly impractical. Friend is constantly hoping for a miracle that will expand the size of their house because she "needs" that 3rd child.

Now I understand that some women get broody occasionally; I understand how truly upsetting it must be if you are unable to have children at all. But ... for those who already have children and overriding reasons why they should not have more ... why do you really "need" that other child?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 17/02/2009 12:15

Not read the other posts, but I think it's hard to draw a line under motherhood. To say categorically that this is the last time I will conceive, carry a baby, give birth, breastfeed. It isn't as if they really want to have another one, it's just the feeling that they still have the choice.

I was like that after DD - felt sad about not having anymore. Then DS#2 arrived unexpectedly Cured me fairly comprehensively.

mollythetortoise · 17/02/2009 12:21

i spend a lot of my day (when time to day dream - on tube etc) thinking about child no 3, their name, what they might look like etc. The phase used earlier about making family complete sums up my feelings perfectly. I feel a third child would make my family complete but our house is too small etc etc. Head says no, but heart says yes. Dp is the same. I think we will decide this time next year and either go for it or (try) to be content with the lovely dc's I have. I had one of my dd's friends over yesterday, we went to park, went to McD's, had wander aorund town and back to house for tea and a play and it felt lovely having 3 dc's with me (although one NOT mine)!!

apostrophe · 17/02/2009 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

giantkatestacks · 17/02/2009 12:37

Morriszapp - I dont mind anyone telling me that its completely impractical - or in my case downright dangerous to have another - after all I already know that - and wont be having anymore for that very reason.

What I object to is people telling me that I shouldnt want another one.

MrsMattie · 17/02/2009 12:40

I am in the 'just one more' camp, and it is a completely irrational but all consuming feeling that feels exactly like the 'broodiness' I felt before conceiving my first and second child. There is no reason to it, really. I just crave another baby and another child. I am coming to terms with the fact that there won't be another one - DH is absolutely opposed to it, and my relationship with him and the two beauties I already have is (luckily) more important to me than an imaginary third child...but....it is a difficult thing to overcome.

I think YABU@the OP.

TrillianAstra · 17/02/2009 12:47

4andnotout - you got yourself pregnant? How does your sister think you did that? Was DH not involved a teeny tiny bit? (and hopefully a larger bit )

What I find stranger than 'just one more' is people who say straight out 'I want X children'. How do they know? Surely one, and then another, and then maybe another, and maybe another... etc (and of course possible multiples) makes more sense than keeping going to 4 (or whatever) and then immediately stopping just because you always said you wanted 4.

SoupDragon · 17/02/2009 12:49

AIBU to wonder why the Op should care one way or another???

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 17/02/2009 12:49

You can't explain it to someone who doesn't feel it. You either feel it or you don't. It's - it's a very animallike feeling. It's not rational, it's an urge.

Some people don't have it, some do. I suppose it's population control

cheesesarnie · 17/02/2009 12:56

i always wanted to have 4 children.i have 3.after 3rd was told couldnt have anymore and i was devastated.yes im very very lucky to have the 3 ive got,but it became this big thing-there was always maybe,maybe they got it wrong,maybe a different consultant would give a different answer etc.it took over my life and relationship for a while-sounds over dramatic but its all i could think about.now its not so bad.our family is growing but not in numbers-we're growing onwards and upwards.

thats not to say ive managed to part with all the baby crap thats laying around yet!but i can now hold friends babies without wanting to cry.

cheesesarnie · 17/02/2009 12:56

soupy i wondered that too.

SoupDragon · 17/02/2009 12:59

I had one. I wanted another so I did. Then I wanted just one more, so I did and now I'm done. I have the right number for me.

If you don't understand, redskyatnight, why on earth did you have 2 children?

Sassybeast · 17/02/2009 13:11

I can see both sides of the argument. I always wanted 'just one more' - despite horrific pregnancies and post natal periods, unsettled colicky babies and my marriage in tatters becasue of the stress! DH was completely against the idea (voice of reason) and I felt that it was unfair of him because I 'wanted/needed' another baby. He knew from financial, practical and emotional points of view that to consider another baby would be madness Luckily I was sensible enough not to trick him into having another baby (I know of a couple of people who have done this) and you know what - I'm 'over' it now. I don't have that horrible, aching , over whelming need anymore. Sometimes I stop and think 'What if...' but I really am glad I didn't give in to those feelings.

I think if you are in a stable, happy marriage and BOTH of you want another baby, you can afford it and it won't cause any detriment to your other children , then there is no reason to stop until you feel complete. But I suppose that is an idealistic secenario

Bluesapphire77 · 17/02/2009 13:12

5 mins after dropping DS i would happily have had another one..

Probably because despite being useless in most respects my DP surprised me and was an amazing birth partner I was really relaxed and it was a lovely positive experience, not as frightening (if at all) as my first two, the bugger even made me laugh during the final few contractions (i had my arse in the air and in the sexiest voice he could muster he asked me if i "Would like him to smack my bottom" )

Was in stitches and forgot i was supposed to be pushing lol

I'd have a bloody football team if i could
Just that the mere mention of sleep has me dribbling atm oh well sleep is for the weak anyway hehe

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 17/02/2009 13:27

I've always said I wanted two children, as the eldest of three I thought two was the perfect number (I love my sister really ). Having gone through four difficult pregnancies, two of which were lost, two were early, one IUGR etc we have decided that we are going to take permanent measures, as we don't want to put ourselves (me) through it all again. Being pregnant thinking this is the last time I'll ever do this, breastfeeding thinking I'll never do this again... is very hard. I have my perfect number of children, pregnancy again could be very difficult but it is still a little sad.

I think that's maybe where people's one more comes from, not wanting to never have another baby.

womblingfree · 17/02/2009 13:35

I can see where the OP is coming from. Over Christmas one of our 'gang' who no longer lives locally texted to say they are expecting their 3rd (the only one of our circle of friends to go past 2).

Most of us were a bit as last time we saw them her DH was not at all keen on the idea (although he dotes on our friend and I suspect this one won't be the last if she wants another).

I can kind of understand it if you have two of the same sex, but when like our friend you already have a boy and a girl find it more hard to get my head round, even though I wanted 4 before having DD!

Am mostly inclined to agree with Sassy though.

As an only I never wanted to have just one child, but I had a rough time having our DD and the circumstances just aren't right for us to have another. In an ideal world she wouldn't be an only, but it's not an ideal world and I'd rather have the time, patience, health and money to give her a good life than worrying about bringing another one into world. I still get pangs now and then, especially with 2 of my friends little boys who are aged between 14-20 months, but I know we have made the right decision for us and at the end of the day it's up to anyone else to make that decision for themselves.

Providing you can afford to support the children you have adn thave the love and patience to care for them, good luck to you.

vess · 17/02/2009 14:08

I keep asking myself the same question - especially now that I'm pg with dc3
And I'm still not sure it was the right thing to do. It was ds's fault, really - he kept asking 'Mummy, why can't we have another baby?' and then dd would join in too. Problem is, he wants a baby brother and she wants a baby sister, so someone is going to be disappointed. And no, if I have three, I will not be thinking 'Just one more', no way!

beanieb · 17/02/2009 14:10

how very dare they! I'm not surprised it makes you feel so miserable and angry. Do they not have any considerations for your feelings damn them!

MrsMattie · 17/02/2009 14:45

I think it's the sort of thing that people who are smug satisfied about having one or two say/think. They can't understand why anyone would want more.

I thought I might be pregnant with no.3 a few weeks ago. A friend said to me 'Thank God you aren't! You aren't that stupid!'.

MrsTittleMouse · 17/02/2009 14:48

I agree with trillian - I think that you want a baby... and then you want another baby... and then you want another baby and so on. At least, that's how it's been for me. I do look at DD2 sometimes and think about how lovely it is to have a baby in the house, and how it will be ages and ages until there is another baby in the (close) family after her. And it does make me feel wistful, so I keep saying "never say never". But to be honest we are astonishingly lucky to have even one child, let alone the two that we have now (thanks to fertility treatment) and two pregnancies and two deliveries have not had a good effect on my body. To put my pieces back together and then risk doing permanent and devastating damage to me would be foolhardy, to say the least.

womble - I can't say that I agree with you about the gender thing. I never used to be bothered about having a boy or a girl, but after two girls I am now completely biased and would be very shocked and even a bit disappointed to have a boy (and I'm sure that I would have felt the same about girls had we had two boys ).

MrsTittleMouse · 17/02/2009 14:49

As DH put it "we have more than we ever have dreamed possible, so why would we risk all that for another child when we don't feel desperate for one?".

sweetkitty · 17/02/2009 15:25

I'm in the just one more camp too

I have 3 already, youngest 7 months and when I was pregnant with her I swore never again (bad SPD plus 2 toddlers), there are 100 reasons not to have another but only one for, DP and I want one.

It was be a basic biological urge, all hormonal and irrational.

KayHarker · 17/02/2009 15:39

You're not unreasonable to 'not get it'. I am fine with people not getting it. I have four.

I wanted more, but my health meant I had to stop. It hurts because the choice was taken out of my hands by circumstances. Now my youngest is getting older, the sense of loss is much sharper, because there are no babies here any more. I don't expect everyone to get it. But if you don't get it, I'm really not sure what the problem is anyway. Not being able to have any more makes me sad. Sorry about that.

womblingfree · 18/02/2009 17:42

Mrs TM - I know the gender thing isn't the same for everyone. If I had another I wouldn't mind in the least what sex it was, and I have one friend who having had her first DS, really wanted another boy as she thought they'd be more company for one another than if he had a sister (she got another DS too!)

I just know that amongst most people I know the 'ideal' is usually one of each.

As I said, before having DD I wanted 4, ideally 2 of each so they would all have the experience of having both brothers and sisters. Obviously fate had other plans, and for many reasons (including my health - I have a v. underactive thyroid which seems to be resisting treatment and could get much worse as a result of another pregnancy) my DD will be an only child too.

To be honest I'm not at all sure I have the patience to cope with more than one anyway. Whilst I don't really 'get' having loads of children, I have the utmost admiration for anyone who manages it successfully.

Timeisablindguide · 18/02/2009 17:45

I felt a "need" to have a second child, can't explain it but it was there. Two's enough for me now and I don't have any feeling of being broody now so I guess my family's complete.
I hate it when people always ask mothers of one child if they're going to have more, though, as quite often they'd like to but can't and it's a shame they have to field that question all the time or else they don't want more than one and it must be annoying for everyone to assume they should be having another!
Now ds2 is 18mths old I keep being asked if I'm going to have another and have been met with some odd looks when I say two's enough!

Bigpants1 · 19/02/2009 01:05

oh, theres just NO hope for me then. i have 6-two with SN and so all the reasons in the world for not having another one(including my b----s which are heading south in a big way).But i am still broody, and there is no logic to it. My youngest is 3 and has just started nursery and i found that really hard. Hubbie is clear he doesnt want anymore-says hes played his part,(could have been larger part in ideal world-see earlier smutty post),so dont think baby num 7 will happen. But, i do find it hard to think there will never be another baby in my arms, or toddler etc, etc.(god, i am quite a strong, outspoken woman, and sound soooo pathetic),i just cant help this longing. Last night, i was reading someones post and she had 8 children-i can honestly say i was jealous, and say pathetic things to husband, like, see, shes allowed more than 6. Funnily enough, i dont miss the broken nights-cant imagine why.

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