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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend really could have woken her DD from her nap to come to DS's birthday party?

53 replies

JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 18:01

I have a friend with a DD three weeks younger than my DS. I really enjoy her company and our babies get along really well. But I've reluctantly come to the conclusion that the friendship is very much on her terms. We frequently make plans to get together, and it's become a (not so funny) joke in our house that when my mobile beeps in the morning when I have plans with this friend, it's most likely her cancelling. Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not, but it's usually with pretty short notice which leaves me feeling disappointed, especially when I've been really looking forward to whatever we've planned. It's come to the point that when DH asks, "are you getting together with L today?" and I say yes, his next question is "so what are your back-up plans if she bails?".

It makes me so frustrated!! She's one of those people who's warm-hearted and generous and so much fun to be with, but she's so flaky in this way, that I've mentally shifted her to the "sort-of" friends category. I've posted about this before, because when she ditched our plans again one day I was so close to saying something to her - but didn't want to because it's not a terribly long-standing friendship, and I'm afraid that if I say something, she'll get angry and tell me to take a hike if I can't accept that plans change with a baby... which they do, and I understand that!! My baby is the same age as hers after all.

But she cancels more than half the time, and for such lame reasons sometimes... and it's all things that I couldn't really call her on - the sort of excuses that your gut tells you are a crock of sh*t, but I'd have no way of proving it...

Anyway - we had DS's birthday party yesterday, and all week she's been texting to ask if she could do anything, bring anything, help in any way, and that they were so looking forward to it... (in a lot of ways she's one of those people who's all talk like that, and the action falls short) - well, the party was meant to be from 3 - 5 pm, and at 4 pm she texted my mobile to say that her DD was still napping and that they were going to have to miss the party.

So - AIBU to think that this is a really lame excuse? That if she knew our party was going to be from 3 - 5 pm, she could have put her DD down to nap a bit earlier, or even, God forbid, have woken her up from her nnap and just come for a little bit?

I was so angry and disappointed, and I'm so conflicted - a part of me feels like this is the final straw, and another part of me just likes her and enjoys her company a lot and it would be a shame to lose that...

Please tell me what to do - I know this isn't earth-shattering, but it's such a continuing irritation and disappointment!

OP posts:
Twims · 16/02/2009 18:05

How old are the children.

wannaBe · 16/02/2009 18:07

I think a bit of both tbh.

It is very annoying when people are constantly cancelling plans at the last minute, and that would get on my nerves as well, so yanbu to be annoyed about that in the long-term.

But, and I know that you may only realize this in years to come (), a one-year-old's party is really not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. Certainly not worth losing a friendship over. And while I think your annoyance with her is based mostly on the fact that she cancels so regularly anyway, I think that you would be being unreasonable to expect her to wake her child for an event which, in all honesty, is intended for the adults.

poppy34 · 16/02/2009 18:07

I'd let her do the running.. that way you can still keep in touch but don't get the irritation of her bailing on you (or at lest not so much). I know dd is young (7 months) but i'm a bit at the nap excuse - I can see why when very newborn you might make plans around a nap but not when they're older..so yanbu to be fed up about that.

wannaBe · 16/02/2009 18:08

am assuming that it's a one year old as you've referred to the children as babies.

wannaBe · 16/02/2009 18:10

hmm if my ds had missed his main nap when a year old he would have morphed into the child from hell for the rest of the day, so tbh I can understand why the nap excuse might have been relevant.

Obviously this does change as children get older, but i do think that it differs from child to child.

Original poster
JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 18:10

Yes they are one year old - curious why that has a bearing on the question?

OP posts:
AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 16/02/2009 18:12

You can't change her behaviour. You can decide how you want to react to it.

In your position I'd be inclined to relax about your friendship with her. Don't count on her. If you do get together then enjoy it, but have something else to do without thinking of it as a plan B.

As for the birthday party - well, I don't blame you for feeling a bit cheesed off. I don't think she was necessarily being unreasonable either though. My dd is absolutely rancid if she's woken from a nap at the wrong time, and I can't always make her sleep when I want her to fit in with my plans, so I have been in a situation of wondering whether to cancel plans because of dd's nap (and know that people will think I'm being crap) or have a dreadful time with a horrid tempered dd (who everyone will wish wasn't there).

myfunnynametaken · 16/02/2009 18:13

poppy34 is right, let her do the running whilst you take a step back, or make plans with others. Or make plans with a group that includes her and if she bails out, you still get to go because there's a few of you going.

I also had a friend who did exactly the same thing to me at my dds birthday party. I really was ed

mazzystartled · 16/02/2009 18:13

I understand your irritation. In general, I'd say yanbu to be a bit fed up of it all. I would accept that the friendship is maybe more casual than you would like, and maybe invite some other people to join in your plans so that if she fades out on you, you can still enjoy yourself.

With respect to the party though, my dd at 1 would only nap when she damn well felt like it, and would have been bloody miserable company if woken early. At least she let you know.

Lindenlass · 16/02/2009 18:15

YANBU to be upset by someone behaving in that way but you are pretty daft to keep setting yourself up for it! Why do you keep arranging to meet up with her if she's always cancelling?

And I do think a nap is a crap excuse for not coming to a birthday party for a child who cares, but 1yos? What's the point in a party anyway? They don't have a clue what's going on!

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 16/02/2009 18:16

Btw, on a slight tangent - I have found that as my children get older their naps are more crucial, not less so. Newborns are easily portable and fall asleep wherever and whenever. I never altered any plan for a young baby. Two-year-olds are vile without enough sleep though, and can't always go to sleep wherever you are.

2pt4kids · 16/02/2009 18:16

YANBU
God, I'd never dream of not going to a friends birthday party because my child was napping! (even a one year old's party, which is really more for the parents lol)
Its DS's 1st birthday party on Friday and I'll not be impressed if anyone does that to us!
Would be ok if baby is sick and needs sleep or something, but just a normal every day nap is a bit PFB!
What will she do when she has more than one child and has to wake up the baby to do the school run?

Original poster
JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 18:18

Ok, I see what you're saying about ugly consequences for waking her DD up from her nap. We have a different perspective on that, I guess - if DS misses his nap or gets woken up he just ends up going to sleep earlier that night so that hasn't been an issue for us to contend with. I think it was just another example of making a big deal of our plans ("what can I bring, or do, we're so looking forward to it") and then... pouf.

OP posts:
Maria2007 · 16/02/2009 18:19

YANBU.

I think I would also be really upset if one of my closest friends- as you describe this friend is to you- didn't come to my DS's first birthday party. The baby could have napped in the buggy on the way over for god's sake, or if that wasn't possible, could have napped before, or could have been a bit cranky for that one particular day. All those scenarios are certainly doable in order not to upset a close friend & to be there at an important occasion for her. And I'd just like to say to Wannabe- if a one year old's birthday party doesn't seem a big deal to someone who's a few years down the line, well it can be a big deal to the adults involved at the time. So yes, it is a big deal, maybe not for the babies, but certainly for the parents. My DS is 6 months old & I think I'd be upset too if a good friend didn't show up at his birthday party, particularly for no good reason (a child's nap is not a good reason, in my book).

And in general, I think you should do as Alice suggests- don't count on her so much, take the opportunities you can to see her, since you really enjoy her company, but don't expect it to be as regularly as you would like, as she clearly is not that reliable.

Mintyy · 16/02/2009 18:20

I'd either let it go altogether, or just not arrange anything else with her tbh. Let her suggest something to you.

It sounds as though you arrange to do more things together than she actually wants to.

If you only arranged to meet up once a month or every couple of months, do you think she'd cancel as often?

Just leave it until she contacts you.

I definitely definitely think she should have come to your DS's birthday party.

mshadowsisfab · 16/02/2009 18:20

yanbu
I have a friend like that.
I used to get angry and upset, but realised I liked her too much, so now I just see her when I want to iynwim.

saadia · 16/02/2009 18:21

I think YANBU, I think most people would not miss a party for a sleeping child but some people are IMO a bit extreme about conforming to the child's timetable. Only you know if it is worth putting up with her lack of reliability for the sake of the friendship.

eyeeye · 16/02/2009 18:21

She's a post-natal (or ante-natal) group friend then? She probably will always be this flaky. Ditch her if it drives you mad because she won't change no matter how much fun she is.

You will find that some people are very precious over things that you don't consider important .. like naps or foodstuffs or clothes or .. well basically anything at all.

It'll all go to nothing over time though because none of it is particularly important in the scheme of things.

StealthPolarBear · 16/02/2009 18:22

DS slept through the first half of a friend's 1st birthday party, took him in in his car seat. Am missing not being able to do that sort of thing now he's older.

Original poster
JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 18:22

I don't know that I agree with everyone who's saying that a one-year-old's birthday party is more for the adults - we had a bunch of kids over and they and DS had a blast. He may not have understood what the occasion was but no one can tell me he didn't realize all the fuss was for him and enjoyed it thoroughly. Of course the parents had an equally good time!

OP posts:
Original poster
JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 18:25

Hey Maria, how are you? How's the dental work getting on?

OP posts:
Katiestar · 16/02/2009 18:29

I don't know really I can see both sides.On the one hand it does seem a trivial thing to miss an event you have gone to trouble to organise.But on the other hand I know I have had to miss parties,ballet classes even a school play because the child has fallen asleep very deeply.I feel it is a bit unkind and also sometimes nigh on impossible to wake a child who is hard on and the consequences can be very ugly.
At 1 it is not as if the birthday child is really going to be that bothered surely ?

Supercherry · 16/02/2009 18:31

YANBU. The party might not be a big deal to your DS but it would have been a big deal to you. She could've let her DD continue her nap in the car and at yours- that's what I would've tried to do anyway. I only invited a few people to my DS's 1st Birthday so it would've pissed me off if they hadn't turned up as I could have invited someone else who would have (not much room). She sounds like a PITA. I always think treat people how they treat you so if next time you make plans and something comes up then show her the same regard she shows for you.

Original poster
JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 18:32

No, I guess not, he had plenty of other kids to play with.

It's me who's feeling and .

OP posts:
wannaBe · 16/02/2009 18:42

tbh often it's impossible to see these things until you're out of the situation. As this is (I assume) your first child, every milestone and event is very important. It's only once you hit the birthdays that the child actually loves and remembers and realizes are for them (I promise you he's unlikely to know that the fuss was all for him, especially if other children were around), that you can see where the term 'pfb' comes from.