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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my friend really could have woken her DD from her nap to come to DS's birthday party?

53 replies

JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 18:01

I have a friend with a DD three weeks younger than my DS. I really enjoy her company and our babies get along really well. But I've reluctantly come to the conclusion that the friendship is very much on her terms. We frequently make plans to get together, and it's become a (not so funny) joke in our house that when my mobile beeps in the morning when I have plans with this friend, it's most likely her cancelling. Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not, but it's usually with pretty short notice which leaves me feeling disappointed, especially when I've been really looking forward to whatever we've planned. It's come to the point that when DH asks, "are you getting together with L today?" and I say yes, his next question is "so what are your back-up plans if she bails?".

It makes me so frustrated!! She's one of those people who's warm-hearted and generous and so much fun to be with, but she's so flaky in this way, that I've mentally shifted her to the "sort-of" friends category. I've posted about this before, because when she ditched our plans again one day I was so close to saying something to her - but didn't want to because it's not a terribly long-standing friendship, and I'm afraid that if I say something, she'll get angry and tell me to take a hike if I can't accept that plans change with a baby... which they do, and I understand that!! My baby is the same age as hers after all.

But she cancels more than half the time, and for such lame reasons sometimes... and it's all things that I couldn't really call her on - the sort of excuses that your gut tells you are a crock of sh*t, but I'd have no way of proving it...

Anyway - we had DS's birthday party yesterday, and all week she's been texting to ask if she could do anything, bring anything, help in any way, and that they were so looking forward to it... (in a lot of ways she's one of those people who's all talk like that, and the action falls short) - well, the party was meant to be from 3 - 5 pm, and at 4 pm she texted my mobile to say that her DD was still napping and that they were going to have to miss the party.

So - AIBU to think that this is a really lame excuse? That if she knew our party was going to be from 3 - 5 pm, she could have put her DD down to nap a bit earlier, or even, God forbid, have woken her up from her nnap and just come for a little bit?

I was so angry and disappointed, and I'm so conflicted - a part of me feels like this is the final straw, and another part of me just likes her and enjoys her company a lot and it would be a shame to lose that...

Please tell me what to do - I know this isn't earth-shattering, but it's such a continuing irritation and disappointment!

OP posts:

Maria2007 · 16/02/2009 18:48

Jacksmamaslittlebundle- very well thank you! Dental work is moving along nicely....

babbi · 16/02/2009 18:57

I can see why you are upset but I don`t agree with other posters saying what they would have done with the child instead (sleep later or nap in the car etc) . What you might get away with with one child may not suit another at all !

My DD was a nightmare at that age when woken and that would have been for DAYS not hours. Some of my friends were very critical at times because of how they thought I "pandered to my daughters sleep demands" !
One of them had to stay with me for a few days and then declared she had never seen anything like it ! (She left my house 2 days before scheduled !!!)

Thankfully DD sleeps well now and I am glad that in the end I did things that suited her and me as regards to her sleep, routine etc.

I do remember being incredibly stressed trying to do what my friends did eg oh just come over for a glass of wine, she can sleep in her carseat etc no need for a babysitter.
I would turn up , friends babies would sleep in carseat I would spend a nightmare of an evening pacing the floor with a crying baby who quite simply just needed to be in her own cot .
Once I realised that they are all individuals and I couldn`t always expect DD to "behave" like other peoples children, well life just got easier for us all.

onlinemummy · 16/02/2009 18:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If anything, it;s the other mum who is being all PFB about it, not wanting to wake her baby to go. As you said she had plenty of notice to let DC sleep earlier or even, dare I say it, wake the baby up! I understand your feelings and would try not to arrange to meet up very often if you are constantly let down. IME someone like this wont change and will continue to let you down and cancel events you plan for.

Maria2007 · 16/02/2009 19:02

wannaBe, you know though, for first time parents a first birthday party IS important. That has nothing to do with PFB... it has everything to do with creating a celebration, not just for the child, but also for the adults. And good friends should, I imagine, want to participate in the celebration.

eyeeye · 16/02/2009 19:13

Oh it's not for the child. It is for the adults and is important as that. But it's really not for the child, who may be happy or not, who may enjoy it or not but certainly won't realise who is there and not there, what exactly is happening and why nor will they remember it next week.

Bumperslucious · 16/02/2009 19:26

Ok, this is more than about the bithday party, and I don't think you are being precious at all. I can see how it is very frustrating and disappointing when a friend keeps cancelling, especially when you are home all day with a baby. Yes, plans with littlies that age are often provisional and subject to change but you are obviously planning your day around seeing her too. This is nothing to do with being PFB. And for the record PFB syndrome is PFB for a reason, because these things are important at the time, the same can be said for anything. If you get excited at your GCSE results no one laughs at you and tells you they'll be worth naff all twenty years down the line. So can we stop being smug and throwing PFB around as an insult? Especially when in a case like this it doesn't warrant it.

Lotster · 16/02/2009 19:26

YANBU - it's lame, especially as it was a special day. I know a couple of people who do this, yet I have interrupted my son's nap to fit in with their plans many times and the effort isn't noticed or repaid...

eyeeye · 16/02/2009 19:28

Just because YOU are happy to interrupt a baby's nap does not mean everyone else must be

I agree that the issue is the unreliable person. But I also think it is up to the parents to decide whether or not a nap can be interrupted

I'd have done it like a shot. I laughed at people who didn't. But I always accepted that it was their parenting and naff all to do with me.

spicemonster · 16/02/2009 19:30

I wouldn't wake my DS from a nap to go to a party - he'd be miserable, I'd be miserable and it would be all round no fun.

StealthPolarBear · 16/02/2009 19:35

true babbi, and it;s just occurred to me that the child probably wasn't handily in the car seat ready to go!

Weegle · 16/02/2009 19:42

I can see why you are annoyed in the context of her previous behaviour... and therefore it matters to you more than if you thought it was a genuine one of reason...

However, those of you who are saying you would wake the baby/make them nap earlier/transfer them to the car/take them in a car seat... aren't you guilty of saying all babies are the same? My DS rarely slept in his car seat before 18 months (I kid you not, only kid on the bleeding planet), he never, not once, ever has transferred asleep from one place to another, he would wake and that would be it, I would stand a snowball's chance in hell of trying to get him to nap "early" and if I woke him early that would be it for the day and he would scream until bedtime and be a nightmare to settle. It's not quite that simple. And I think it would have been far favourable to a party host to last minute cancel than bring a screaming whinging baby along... not that it was ever a problem for me as he only slept 45 minutes at a time so although I may have been a little late I would not have missed the whole thing...

Lotster · 16/02/2009 19:48

I suppose that the problem with being what I call a "serial blowout" though, you're never really sure of the truth behind the excuse so it can lead to being mis-judged, in which case, again, I can't blame the OP for being offended.

mm22bys · 16/02/2009 19:49

I reckon you both need to organise someone to mind the kids, and you two can have some adult company. See if she bails under those circumstances.

If she does (more than once) - then I would ditch the friendship.

YANBU BTW, I know they're really for adults but they are still first birthday parties, and I don't blame you for being disappointed that she decided on a no-show.

(Did she try to make it up some other way?)

Some friends high-maintenance, and if she is hurting you (even if she doesn't mean to) the friendship is not worth the repeated pain she's causing you.

threestars · 16/02/2009 19:57

YANBU
I had a post-natal group friend who was like this, and it drove me nuts, especially when I'd make an effort and go out and buy supplies for her visit, clear up the house etc. I did a couple of last minute flakes back which normally would make me feel super-guilty, but I didn't mind on those occasions because she'd done it so often to me, and then I thought well why bother any more?
I have baby #2 now, and DC1 started school this year. Many a time I have had to wake baby up to get in the car to do the school run, transfer her into the pushchair, then back in the car to get home. She's not always happy, but she deals with it. There's really no other choice.
At one year it's much easier to disturb a nap than at 2 years.

psychomum5 · 16/02/2009 20:19

I had a friend like this.

note the HAD.

after 14yrs of it, I got increasingly upset with it, and decided that it just wasn;t worth my anxiety over it, regardless of how nice she was in other ways.

letting me down made me feel as tho I was worthless in her eyes, and that was not a feeling I appreciate from friends!

tis up to you tho now. if the pro's of being friends with her outweigh this one con, than stay friends, but otherwise, then I would say ditch her.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 16/02/2009 21:54

Has she always been like this, or just since the baby? Could she have depression and just sometimes not be able to face going through the front door. Sometimes she might be able to plaster on a smile and be bubbly at you, but other times can't face it.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/02/2009 22:01

Is your friend depressed?

I was a little like that when I had pnd.

I had all the best intentions of going out, meeting people, going to parties, even weddings, yet I would mostly find even the daftest excuse not to go. I could not face. Really I could not face it. I would even try, and sometimes get ready, and then baby needed a feed, and then it was getting late, and then my mind would just pop and blow a fuse, I made an excuse, and spent the day in tears over being so useless.

It happened a lot. Not all the time, but a lot. It depended on whether I had somebody around to motivate me, help me get ready, help me get organized, etc.

Do you think this could be what your friend struggles with?

TiggyR · 16/02/2009 22:14

No, YANBU. That's rude and unnessary (and overly pandering to precious child, ffs) But I think you should give her a break for a while and make some new friends. Something tells me she has other fish to fry and you are a little too reliant on her for your social life. Not a criticism of you, btw. Some people just don't cope well with intensive commitment to one friend - they like to see a wide range of people or to spend a fair amount of time alone. Mix more with people who appreciate you!

Original poster

JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 16/02/2009 22:49

Thanks all. She's been like this since I've known her, so I don't suppose she's going to change. People do tell you who they are, don't they? And Tiggy, I'm sure she has lots of other friends because she is fun to be with, but I certainly don't rely on her for my social life, LOL - if I did, I really wouldn't get out much! I really don't see her very often at all, maybe every few weeks at the most, but when I do, I really enjoy her company, which is why I think it upsets me when she bails.

OP posts:

TiggyR · 16/02/2009 22:51

That's fine then!

toddlerama · 16/02/2009 23:02

Regardless of whether she should wake her baby up or not, you don't need to 'ditch' a friendship because someone is unreliable. Just don't have high expectations there. Make sure you have lots of other friends and options. But you've said you enjoy her company and she is fun to be with, so why not enjoy her company when it happens? No need to cut her off!

Incidentally, I would have woken my PFB up to go to a birthday party....because it's her first friends birthday party!!!

Original poster

JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 17/02/2009 02:30

See, I would have too! So I can blush and grin right along with you toddlerama.
Now I've just received an invitation to her DD's birthday party on March 8. I haven't replied yet because right now I want to be a bloody cow and be busy that day... or say we'll come and then bail like she did... but I hate that passive-aggressive crap, so I'm going to wait a few days before replying.

OP posts:

alipiggie · 17/02/2009 04:19

Sorry that you're upset by this. Have to admit that I'm another one that would have struggled to wake her ds2 - he truly hates to this day being woken up. He'll be the "don't talk to me until have had my second cup of coffee" man when he's older.

On the other hand cancelling at the last minute is a pain. Perhaps she's not good with crowds and better on the one on ones. Go the party have fun but just view her a s friend that you might see every so often.

MrsGravy · 17/02/2009 07:43

YANBU. But Quintessentialshadows makes a very good point - and it's one worth trying to tactfully look into before getting too p-d off.

BalloonSlayer · 17/02/2009 09:22

I'm astonished that so many people think it's ok to miss a party because of a baby's nap!

And all mine were on the strict GF routine that was supposed to be unbreakable.

So what if the baby might be grumpy? They have been invited to a party, they have said they will go and are expected.

I have a friend like this and - although I agree QS has a point - she is not depressed at all. I think she likes the idea of getting together and then can't be arsed on the day, simply because we are not as important to her as we once were. I also think she likes to be the centre of attention so that "our things" don't interest her too much, which is only human I guess.

After one blowout another mutual friend and I both got quite obviously annoyed with her and cooled off considerably. She is now very much on the back foot and keen to assure us that she wants to see us. Still blew me out the last time though.

It's a bit catty but perhaps the next time you are planning to do something with her, why not deliberately double book yourself. Then if she calls to concern say (if you've got the nerve), oh sorry, I've planned to do so-and-so, as you always cancel on me.

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