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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit pissed but unhappy?

30 replies

papoose · 15/02/2009 21:31

OK so I am a bit drunk but it takes this to make me admit that I am not happy with my situation. I got together with DP thinking that he could pay his way but that is not the case. He has 2 DDs from previous relationship. We have since had DD (3 mths )but he has not got a proper job so I am the breadwinner. So I have to go back to work when DD is 9 mths old and he will be a SAHD. Whereas I know that I will be resentful as I would rather be a SAHM. Feeling resentful because we live in my flat and he does not pay his way. Love him to bits but know that he will never be the breadwinner. feeling resentful AIBU??

OP posts:
SweetAudrina · 15/02/2009 21:33

Why should the dude always be the breadwinner? How is it any different from a man going out to work and the woman being at home 'not being the breadwinner'?

Lulumama · 15/02/2009 21:34

you need to talk about it

being the SAHP is not the easy option, presumably he is aware that he will be doing the childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry ,errands and million of other tasks that crop up.. or is he thinking 'easy ride, at home all day, on the Playstation ' ??

have you talked to him about this? resentment will only grow

is he wanting to be a SAHP to lessen his financial commitment to his other children?

did you not talk about this before you got pregnant>

expatinscotland · 15/02/2009 21:35

Yes, YABU. Why the hell would you get together with someone thinking he'd support you?

Lulumama · 15/02/2009 21:35

one of you has to be the breadwinner..... if you have the capacity to earn more, then maybe it is better it is you

or you both get jobs and work it so you hvae some time at home and some time at work, and hopefully not too much to pay out in childcare

getting pissed and talking about it here won;t solve it. you need to talk to him

but by all means, have a vent about things

rookiemater · 15/02/2009 21:36

Have you discussed this with him ? Could you both work part time ? Am loving your use of "dude" sweetaudrina, is making me think about Bill & ted.

wasaconventgirl · 15/02/2009 21:43

You have my sympathy - it is tough if you want to be a SAHP but can't.

Does your DP actually want to be a SAHP or has it just come about? If he does actually want to be a SAHP rather than he does'nt want to get a job, why don't you both get p/t jobs if possible?

You need to talk to him.Good luck.

Original poster
papoose · 15/02/2009 21:44

WE talk about it all the time. When we moved in together we took on half the rent each. When I subsequently bought a flat, so gave our notice on our rented flat, it transpired that he had in fact defaulted on the rent. So he could not afford to pay half the rent, and half the mortgage.
But regardless of that, I absolutely do not expect him to support us. But I do expect him to be an equal partner. And he clearly can't be. So I am on here to have a rant. I understand that the onus will be on me for the rest of our lives to provide a good standard of living for our DD, but that is a responsibility that I have taken on unwittingly as he was not honest about his financial situation from the start,.
He did not lie as such but just omitted to tell the truth. I love him very much, but feel resentful.

OP posts:
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 15/02/2009 21:46

I think it depends on what sort of a SAHP he will be. Will be be supportive of you WOTH and do all the day to day household tasks and look after your child well. Or will he do the bare minimum and leave you to pick up the slack every evening?

Agree that you could look at part time work for both as an option.

wasaconventgirl · 15/02/2009 21:46

Why should the onus be on you to support your DP and DD? You need to sort this out or the resentment might build up.

Original poster
papoose · 15/02/2009 21:53

He will be a fab parent, but the fact is that this is not what I signed up for. I would have been completely happy with the parenting shared 50/50, but at the end of the day I want to spend every minute I can with DD and it looks like that is a pipedream. Resentment is building up, and I do try to address it, but at the end of the day if he can't earn the money that he purported to earn, then what can I do? I just have to accept it don't i?

OP posts:
wasaconventgirl · 15/02/2009 21:54

So is the issue that he can not get a job that pays enough to cover childcare, so you are better off working?

moondog · 15/02/2009 21:55

He lied then.Deary me.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 15/02/2009 21:57

Why can't he get a job and earn some money? Is it the economic situation in general? ALso, if he is not good at earning money, does he do the domestic stuff that a SAHP would do ie lots of attention for DD plus the basics of the housework so that you don't come home to undone washing up and a complete tip?

Original poster
papoose · 15/02/2009 21:59

Moondog your caustic 'wit' helps no-one in this situation. Yes he lied but what am I supposed to do about it??

What am I to gain by confronting him with this lie?? He just wants to do his best by all his children.

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 15/02/2009 22:01

Why did he lie? Was it just that he was ashamed of being broke?

moondog · 15/02/2009 22:01

I'm not being sarcastic. I mean it quite genuinely!
How exactly did he lie?
Has he debts?
Did he pretned to earn more money than he did?
How long have you known him?

I owuld be fucked off too.

moondog · 15/02/2009 22:01

Ahh his children?
How many are there?

rookiemater · 15/02/2009 22:09

Ditto what solidgold says ? Why can't he get some sort of a job ? Even if he can't earn very much then he could take an evening job, meaning you could maybe not have to work f/t. When you say he wants to do his best by all his children, what exactly does that mean. Clearly he isn't offering any financial support, so does he look after his 2 DDs ?

Poor you, its a hard one to think about when your DC is only 3 months old.

Original poster
papoose · 15/02/2009 22:11

He does have some small debts but also owns a house jointly with his ex wife. (We got together well after he split with his wife btw). The divorce has been in the offing for the past 3 years but nothing has been sorted because neither of them has spare cash to pay the legal fees! I have now paid DPs fees so am hoping that divorce will be through soon and we can be married.

But at the end of the day, I will never get to be at home with by amazing DD (but his ex wife was, with their 2 DDs). I know I am being unreasonable but I am so dreading going back to work, and it is not as if it will only be short term either. I earn a good wage, and if I go back full time, we will be able to afford a good standard of living, but I just want to be with my DD whom I adore and want to see grow up. I want to be the one at home!!

OP posts:
moondog · 15/02/2009 22:14

Why can't he work?
Does he support his dd's?
Did you konw of his issues before having a kid wit him?
Has he deliberately misled you?

Original poster
papoose · 15/02/2009 22:14

He does have a job but most of what he earns goes to the ex for his 2 DDs. He feels that he has to continue to psy the mortgage because if he does not, then they may lose the house which is his other children's security.

Of course I respect him for this, but still want him to contribute to our mortgage, even though it is in my name.

OP posts:
moondog · 15/02/2009 22:16

That's the bummer about getting together with someone with prior commitments eh?

Original poster
papoose · 15/02/2009 22:18

I kind of did know of his issues. He had a good job before I started going out with him but due to the credit crunch he lost his job in Sept, just before I had DD.
I expect I am BU but I am feeling disgruntled and dreading going back to work. I could go back part time and we could just about manage, but if I went back full time, we could afford luxuries and save a bit too. But I dont really want to do that!!

OP posts:
Haribosmummy · 15/02/2009 22:19

OK, being practical, Papoose, your DD is 3 months old... You have another 6 months with her. You may feel differently in a few months and feel better about leaving her.

How come his ex was able to stay home? Does your DP work? If you really want to be a SAHM, then look at the options open to you... It's possible.

Your DP must be capable of earning an OK wage if his ex is able to stay home with the kids?

How come he can be a SAHD? How is he paying his ex?

ScottishMummy · 15/02/2009 22:20

you say he purported to be financially solvent?was he well paid?or promised earnings

does he know your wish was to be SAHM
What does he say,what are his intentions
what to you constitutes a "proper job"

realistically,can you probably have to live with this arrangement.bottom line is mortgage etc need paid.you are larger salary earner.it is down to you

you do sound disappointed.if you always imagined new baby and you SAHM,then the reality must feel Very different

at the nub of this is poor communication.you are a couple,and parents.somewhere along the line assumptions were made erroneously

you need a cards on the table discussion with him.

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