in not wanting to do house work every day of the bloody week to keep dh happy?

[Marne]

I am a SAHM, i gave up work to spend more time 1 on 1 with dd2 as she has Autism and a language disorder (shes non verbal), i knew when i gave up work i would have to do more around the house but i wanted to dedicate more time to dd2.

Dh comes home from work (he works 3 days a week) each day and moans at the mess in the house , he comments on everything i have done, he says i havn't swept the floor to his standards, i havn't hung the washing correctly, i havn't washed up correctly etc..ect..

This morning before we got up we decided to do the house work between us, i got up first, dressed the kids, did breakfast, put the washing on and began to wash-up, dh comes down and tells me not to bother washing up he would prefer if i did 'other' jobs so i started to clean the sitting room. After 30 seconds of brushing the floor dh pokes he head in to tell me i am doing it wrong and not to bother doing anything else if i cant do it to his standards.

I sit down and play with the dd's and dh goes upstairs, after an hour i go upstairs for a bath and dh is doing the ironing and starts moaning about me not keeping up with the ironing (i couldn't do it yesterday as i was on a course in the morning and spent the afternoon with dd2).

Anyway after lunch we continued arguing and now he has drove of in the car, he just phoned me to see if i wanted him to come home. I said 'only if you stop getting at me about the house work' he said he couldn't because if he came home he would have to do more house work which will make him upset again. He hung up and hasn't phoned back.

AIBU in thinking most people dont do house work every day? Our house is not untidy, just lived in. Im scaired to do anything with the dd's that might make a mess as Dh will get upset. I feel like i can't do anything in my own house.

I think dh has OCD and possible Aspergers, and i know he likes things in there place etc.. but i can't live like this.

I really feel for you. It does sound as if he does have some sort of mental health problem, or possibly Asperger's/Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Sadly, if that's the case, a lot of the things that people have helpfully suggested which could work with other people, may not work with your DH. So try to get him to the GP. But I wonder if there are any techniques that you've been taught for working with the DDs that you might be able to (subtly) try out on him? Also, is there a support group in your area for families of adults with Autistic Spectrum Disorders? They might be able to give you some useful advice/support, even if your DH isn't willing to go for a diagnosis. I'm sure you won't be the first person who has had this problem. Very best of luck.

God, if I were in your place I'd have used the chance to change the locks.

Why should his standards prevail, anyway? You clearly do things to your standards. If he wants the teaspoons to be facing south-south-east in the drawer, he's free to do it himself without comment.

You say he works three days a week.

What does he do in the other four?

unavailable- Sometimes he will do some work from home, other times he does house work

Happy Birthday Marne!! I hope it's a better day today